Perfectly Flawed

the first time i ever contemplated taking myself to the emergency room.

okay flash forward to the present. i’m in my bed as i usually am, with my macbook pro, and sir dish. he is a beautiful dark gray tabby with stripes of silver and bright green eyes. i love my kitty.

at the moment i feel nauseous and tired. too many frosted animal crackers and sleeping pills. but i thought now might be an opportunity to remember the afternoon i thought i needed stitches. i’ll warn you now it involves sex but i’m beginning to suspect if you read this you understand sex is something i have a healthy appetite for and find myself thinking about a lot. the warning this time is for graphic content.

there isn’t anything exciting leading up to the event really. i suppose every once in a while aiden would poke me funny and cause a bit of sharp discomfort but he’d never hurt me before. he’s generally a kind and gentle lover but when he met me he discovered a girl who loves to cry out “fuck me harder!”

we were having sex on a saturday afternoon. i was on top riding him but he wanted a faster stroke so he grabbed my hips and started thrusting up into me. usually this is fine sometimes i really like it.

i assume he must have pulled away a touch too far and when he thrusted full force back into me i immediately cried out in pain. i rolled off of him immediately and gasped. i felt a deep painful ache between my legs. “my god that was excruciating” i told him as we lied there side by side doing nothing. the deep ache was becoming a terrible throbbing and i let him know we were done with sex for the day. i couldn’t believe how bad i hurt between my legs. i put my hand between my legs and touched myself where it hurt which was not exactly inside of me but very close and on the right side. we lied there silently me breathing deeply because i assumed i had a very bad deep bruise. after a minute i remarked in my mind how wet i was. i thought about how excited i must have been. another few minutes passed, my hand between my legs, the fingers of my right hand gently pressed against my labia.

i realized that not only was i wet but i’d been getting wetter and now my fingers were very slippery against my skin.

with hesitation i pulled my hand up from between my legs and looked at my fingers. i was covered in bright red blood.

i put my hand back down and stared at the ceiling for a moment. i looked at aiden and asked him if he was bloody and he said no. i said “we have a problem. i’m bloody right now. you might have hurt me. get out of the room.”

i didn’t want him to see me get out of the bed covered in blood. he left and i stood up and blood trickled down my inner thigh. there was a bright red stain on the sheets where i had been sitting. i put some toilet paper between my legs then stripped the bed so i could wash the sheets. i looked at the toilet paper and it was soaked in my blood. i was starting to freak out. i needed to shower eventually that afternoon so i figured i would just wash it off of me. part of me thought maybe i was having a really severe spontaneous and random period.

after i got into the shower and turned the water on i had to pee. please don’t judge me for pissing in my shower. it is my shower after all. the warm water was soothing and i relaxed my muscles and started to urinate. suddenly everything was on fire and i was burning between my legs. i cried out with surprise and pain. at that point i knew for an absolute undeniable fact that aiden had somehow broken my skin. i began to sniffle and cry in the shower because it was still hurting and because i was bleeding so badly from an injury. even after washing away all of the blood i was soon covered again. i got out of the shower and put a bunch of toilet paper between my legs, put a silk robe on, grabbed a hand mirror, and sat on my bed.

with a litle investigation i could see a little over an inch long gash in my skin. i was in shock. i called aiden in and told him that i was really hurt. we discussed going to the emergency room which for me is a very rare occurrence. the tissue was very swollen but it still looked like stitches might have been necessary. we thought about the few health clinics that are open on weekends. out of desperation i had aiden get me a phone book while i called the student health center on campus. of course they were closed on a saturday. i called the weekend clinic and asked to speak to a nurse which was horribly awkward.

“erm hi yes my name is kate and i was having sex with my boyfriend this afternoon and his penis slipped and has torn my skin near my vagina and i’m now bleeding a lot and i’m not sure if i need stitches?”

she asked me a few questions but basically our conversation ended with her saying “well if you think you need stitches you should go to the emergency room.”

“er right.”

we thought about the emergency room some more. i couldn’t imagine the humiliation of walking in and saying “hello i was having sex with my boyfriend when something went wrong and now i’m bleeding and it really hurts.” i knew that going to the er would be expensive and that if i turned it in to insurance they would pay. which would mean notifying my mother because my insurance is through her.

aiden knew it was a very serious situation because for about ten minutes i contemplated calling my mother and asking for her advice. you see my mother and i never talk about sex and i would never want to. so me saying i would consider calling her to explain the sex injury was quite serious.

i also thought stitches down there wouldn’t exactly be fun either.

eventually i made the executive decision that i would treat it like a superficial wound and not see a doctor over the weekend. i cleaned it up with some warm water and dabbed a bit of antibiotic on it. then i put a liner in my panties because i was still bleeding a bit. i had planned on having the girls over that evening. i called wren and linz and told them i wasn’t feeling well. i told cage what was wrong and said that she could come over but that i was not in the mood for much of anything. i mostly sat on the couch all evening sipping a drink. i took ibuprofen every three and a half hours.

i was slow moving and took it very easy the next day. aiden and i went out for pizza that evening and i remember cringing every time i got in and out of a car. we then went to the simpson’s movie at a second run theatre where the seats are couches and recliners. it was a funny movie which we both enjoyed and all things considered we had an amazing night together downtown where the streets were shining with the rain that had fallen late in the afternoon. i’m still not sure how i had a good time but i think i’ve generally concluded that i might have still been in shock and was most definitely in denial.

that night aiden left to drive the two hours back home. i took off my pants and my underwear and grabbed the mirror to look again. i started crying at what i saw. the swelling had gone down so that was good but with the tissue less swollen i could very visibly see now how ripped i was. it became apparent that this was not a break of the skin this was a rip of flesh. i decided that i would go to the campus health center the next morning. i knew it was far too late for stitches but i need to be reassured by a professional.

the next morning i made the call. the woman who answered the phone irritated me when she asked me three times if i was certain it wasn’t my period and if i could actually see a tear. i assured her i most definitely could see it and no i was not having my period. i will give that woman credit though for getting me in to the doctors at 11 am.

i arrived. took off my pants. got in the stirrups. as the doctor gently touched me she found the tear and breathed in then said “oh my … oh my goodness.” she stuttered as she directed the nurse to get her a cotton ball with some warm water. she asked if it was my first time having sex. i answered no. she asked if it was a new position. i replied no. she asked if he had a large penis or was a new partner. i said he was average and we had been together for over two years. she asked if we were having rough sex. i answered no more than usual. i knew there wasn’t anything they could do but i needed to know what to do and how i should care for it. she told me that if i had gone to the emergency room there was a good probability they would have given me stitches. she said i was going to have a scar. that i would take six weeks to heal. she also said i may have some numbness. they gave me what looked like a sports bottle to use when i went to the bathroom. running cool water over the wound was supposed to soothe the skin and keep it clean.

for a week i cursed aiden every time i had to pee. it would burn like fire. i took ibuprofen on a regular basis. some time in the middle of the week i was gingerly inspecting myself to see if i was healing when i realized that in some places i was black and blue. it turns out he had bruised me too.

i slowly recovered. eventually i stopped cringing every time i sat down to pee.

maybe my next post should be about the next time we had sex and how absolutely terrified i was.

em left a comment on my last post asking why people needed safe words. i started to respond but it began to get long so i thought i would respond in another post.

that’s a good question. as a general answer safe words are used when people are into the slightly more kinky stuff. well i suppose the fantasy of being ravished while you try to resist in order to protect your innocence isn’t really a kinky one. anyway there are individuals who enjoy struggling which may involve verbalizing “no stop it” or “don’t that hurts” when really they are completely loving the fantasy of having someone else control them. on a side note the rule is that submissives are always in control of any situation. they are the ones who can make everything stop immediately by saying the safe word.

a personal answer is that aiden and i like to wrestle in bed sometimes. i’m not very good but aiden was on the wrestling team in high school and he is strong. usually he will have me pretty well pinned. at which point i say “owww stop you’re hurting me” and if he lets go i usually jump on top of him then start laughing. he knows that most of the time he is not hurting me but that i like to struggle and sometimes try to trick him by telling him to stop. at which point i take advantage and try to get him. this weekend aiden had my wrists pinned hard against my chest. i said “ow that kind of hurts” but he didn’t let me go he just paused because he knows i either a) try to fool him or b) sometimes like a little discomfort. it started to really hurt though so i said our safe word and he immediately released me. he knows me well enough that if i had said “no really stop that hurts” he would have known i was serious but sometimes it can get confusing if you are usually playfully resisting.

in conclusion having a safe word lets you verbally protest while still keeping the fantasy going. the average person usually doesn’t need a safe word but as this blog has shown we’re slowly getting more into bdsm.

the way we initially established a safe word was years ago as a joke. shower curtains was a private secret we both shared and would laugh about. when i said we should have a safe word aiden laughed and asked what he’d gotten himself into. it’s only been lately that already having an established safe word is useful. mostly we’d previously used it for humor.

i personally very rarely speak rejections or denials during sex. aiden knows that sometimes i do like a little bit of pain so if i say ‘ow’ or ‘ouch’ he may hesitate or pause but he generally won’t stop. i almost never say “no” or “don’t!”

if i do say the safe word everything immediately becomes serious. sometimes aiden has said it while i’m tickling him. the safe word indicates an immediate disengage from the situation.

i’m thinking the next post will be about the time when i screamed “OW!” at the top of my lungs. that story is the tale of the sex injury.

if you’re still curious i recommend googling safe word. wikipedia is a wonderful thing and always very helpful. i hope that answers your question em!