optimistic about $.05 July 29, 2008
Posted by skcity in friends, life, party, the boy, the men.5 comments
i said goodbye to the roomful of people and made my way through the kitchen to the porch. i was pleased to see nickel had stood up and was following me outside. he shut the door behind us and stepped close.
his voice was low and sexy as he quietly asked, “please don’t go yet.”
“why should i stay?”
he lightly touched my arm and looked around for an answer before replying, “because there is still fun to be had.”
i smiled and told him it was late and i was going to go home.
he wrapped his arms around me. one of his hands stroked my back then gently rested on the back of my neck.
i grinned with pleasure and kissed him on the cheek. we stepped away from each other and i drove home.
that my friends was not a fantasy. that really happened on saturday night.
that night as i lay in bed i remembered how he invited me into his undecorated and unadorned bedroom. it was bare and most of his stuff was in boxes. we talked about how he loved the movie stardust which made me happy. we talked about tron and jeff bridges.
a friend of his had walked into the room to briefly chat with nickel. after he left nickel stood up and closed the door again. he wanted to be alone with me in the privacy of his bedroom. i wanted to kiss him but there was still a substantial amount of personal space between us. eventually i led the way back into the living room because i knew it was too soon to make a move.
i’m a slow burn kind of girl as you may have noticed. i’m hoping to make some progress with this relationship in the next three weeks before my birthday. my birthday party has me nervous. nickel will be there.
the trouble is aiden wants to come celebrate my birthday too. i’m no longer comfortable with the idea of aiden spending a weekend alone with me. if we share a bed we will almost invariably have sex and i don’t want to go there anymore.
so at some point in time i will have to discuss with aiden a compromise regarding my birthday weekend.
i really hope i get to play out my last fantasy of cuddling nickel and then kissing sometime very soon.
in other news i have a completely flat tire on my bike and i feel sick from my allergies.
blah blah blah July 23, 2008
Posted by skcity in the boy, the man.6 comments
nickel came over and had a few drinks. he brought his dvds and we picked out a movie. we got close. very close. he asked if he could kiss me and i said he could do anything he wanted. his lips were soft and warm. i slid a hand up to his shoulder and behind his neck. his hand went around my back to pull me close.
this is my fantasy. that’s all it is right now. it’s very interesting to me how i’m not infatuated with him. we’re friends. we hang out. yet i secretly would love to kiss him. i would love to be with him in my bed maybe watching a dvd.
tonight was his last movie night in the big house with the five best friends. his bedroom door is always closed. tonight as he went into his room he flicked the lights on and i saw it. it was undecorated. i saw boxes on the floor. i know he is going to be moving at the end of the month but from what he said it sounds like his room always looked this way.
as i lied in my bed tonight i wondered if he would like my bedroom. i think it’s tastefully decorated.
aiden and i had a heart to heart. i still miss him. we’re both doing really well though. we’ve both been happy and content as single individuals. i wish we could have sex like we used to. that isn’t going to happen though.
i do want to get cozy with someone though.
this is the most boring post ever. i want a man.
oscilating between apathy and anxiety July 17, 2008
Posted by skcity in friends, life, the men.add a comment
i like my parents. i get along really well with my father. my mother and i are very similar. i don’t like being with her because it reminds me that i’m like her. that scares me.
ever since the accident i’ve been in a bad mood. i’ve been in some pain. mostly discomfort. i was sore and then the aches set in. i’m feeling much better now although i’m looking forward to the chiropractor. i think my body and my attitude both need an adjustment.
i’m a little annoyed with my parents. they’ve been here since last friday. if i were b i would be about ready to throw a fit because of the visible parental presence. if i’m tired of my own parents how is b supposed to feel about it?
mill painted the basement wall a pretty bright turquoise. she and her motherly foolishly painted the concrete brick walls as well. it’s ugly and i don’t like it. the beige paint makes the white brick look dirty. my family indicated disapproval of the idea through subtle statements such as “i don’t think that’s a good idea” but we never strictly forbid it. i sort of wish we had. i dislike it that much. i love mill and i want her to be happy with her room but it is pretty awful. they painted lightly so the white was visible in the crevices and crinkles.
i’m up for dimension, depth, and fun faux finishes but it really does look ridiculous. mill has promised they will return it to white when she moves out. mother wants that in writing. it will be a pain. this is very rough textured brick which is difficult to paint completely. which is what they’ll have to do since they likely won’t be able to exactly match the white already on the brick.
this was disappointing. we may have allowed it but it is still unattractive.
dad is in charge of all the lovely renovations so mill will be comfortable. today we’re putting a rather nice shower in the basement. we’ve really spent quite a lot of money on this project.
mill’s mother broke a several hundred dollar mirror we had stored in my basement.
yesterday i began to panic about registering for classes this fall. fortunately i scheduled a meeting with my academic advisor tomorrow. i regret not calling him sooner although i have emailed him which he has never responded to.
i worry about this like i worry about my house. i worry that the girls won’t treat my possessions with respect. most everything outside of their bedrooms is mine. i’m a little unhappy about the mirror and about the brick wall.
on a more positive note i had the most delightful dream about nickel. he had a huge sail boat that somehow also managed to be very light despite it’s great size. there were hammocks and shade and plenty of places to dangle your legs in the water. as we sailed along with one of my hands trailing in the water he smiled at me with pleasure and confidence. later we slowly swam together and with quite some distance between us we slowly circled each other.
nickel is a serious and quiet man. i’m not sure i’ve ever seen him look me in the eye and smile with charisma. i’m still holding out some hope for this to develop.
if i had to confess a pattern for myself with men it would be that i select men who are intelligent but maybe a touch socially awkward. i become friends with them and eventually things become a little more personal and a little more intimate.
for whatever reason i just gazed out the window and thought about the first time aiden and i had sex. aiden was so inexperienced and also quite the natural. we were friends in the very beginning too. both aiden and nickel are tall attractive men.
the best thing that has happened to me all week was the bowl i made last night in the pottery studio and the blackened tilapia and asparagus that i had for dinner.
well i also love driving my rental car.
the things that hurt the most July 12, 2008
Posted by skcity in friends, life, the boy.5 comments
my left neck and shoulder and my right knee hurt the most right now.
that’s because early this evening a guy ran a red light and crashed his car full speed into the side of my vehicle. the door behind my drivers seat was crushed in. i’m having trouble sleeping because i keep imagining what if he had hit my door.
i’m not really injured. i have a nasty friction burn from my seat belt and my shoulder and ribs are a little sore. the main complaint is my right knee which was thrown into the dashboard. i didn’t need an ambulance and i didn’t go to the hospital. there is talk of seeing a doctor in the morning but we’ll see how i feel. i’m planning on seeing a chiropractor next week since i suspect getting slammed like that has thrown my body a bit out of alignment.
he was going pretty fast and i saw him speeding at me before the impact. i keep wondering if i could have been a better defensive driver. if i could have avoided it somehow. it was a busy intersection. my car spun around and went over the median into oncoming traffic. it was so lucky that no other cars were involved in the accident.
i called wren and linz who were a few blocks away at the restaurant i was driving to meet them at. my car was totaled and going to be towed so i contacted them for moral support and for a ride. i then called my parents and asked “what do i do when i’ve been in a car accident?”
turns out my parents were just driving into my city. i knew they would be coming sometime to pick me up for a weekend trip we are taking but i didn’t know they were already in the city. i was relieved. they came pretty quickly and took care of things. everything would have been fine without them but it was definitely easier to have some one else deal with the business for me.
all night i’ve been thinking of the accident and it’s got me in a negative thought pattern. the way my mind sometimes works is i think of one bad thing and then my mind pulls out every memory that has a similar bad feeling. so then i’m thinking of all of the bad things that have ever happened to me. it was pretty upsetting. i tried to think of happy thoughts like of the good times with aiden.
i’m not very clever. i should have known that might still make me cry. i still feel a little sadness. i thought about how sometimes late at night in my bed we would lie in each others arms and whisper secrets about us maybe having a future together. maybe someday getting married or having children. we never made plans because neither one of us was ready but it was occasionally a pleasant fantasy.
tonight i remembered that i had effectively ruined the possibility of us having a future together.
amazingly the negative thought pattern continued. it was quite persistent.
now i’m the only one awake. trying to calm my thoughts long enough to sleep.
maybe i’ll dream about nickel. he’s a pretty neutral individual so it works for me project my fantasies onto him.
my head hurts. my ribs hurt. i have no idea how i’m seriously going to survive this little weekend getaway that involves shopping. walking might be miserable if my knee doesn’t feel any better.
you know the driver was very apologetic. he felt bad. his eyes were red from crying. i said it was okay that accidents happen and no one was seriously hurt. he was so sorry and i tried not to upset him anymore. he still got a ticket of course.
these are a few of my favorite things! July 10, 2008
Posted by skcity in friends, life, the bitch, the boy, the men, the sex.4 comments
i love pottery! last night i finally made three pots worth keeping. it will be scary to see if they survive the rest of the process. there is trimming and glazing and let’s not forget the possibility of my pieces exploding in the kiln!
my basement remodel is coming along nicely. it is wired, walled, primed, and soon to be painted.
tuesday night i went over to nickel’s to watch i heart huckabees. it was a good time. today i fantasized about just the two of us going back to my house to watch a dvd. having a drink or two and getting cozy on the couch.
just a fantasy and a very innocent one at that. i’m a slow burn kind of girl. it’s more intense that way.
b is the complete opposite. if you recall she made out with our dd one night. she’s since decided he would make a good boyfriend. i’m not sure why though because he doesn’t strike me as having any exceptional qualities but whatever. the nice dd took b and her friend out one night. b ended up going home with some complete stranger leaving the dd wondering what happened to the girl who threw her self all over him then took his money for a sandwich.
this week she said “i’m going sweet and innocent for this guy because last time we were together it was BAD. so bad.” she then followed this up with a strange look on her face and said “then the next night i’m not going to be innocent at all.” you could feel the promiscuous energy she put into that statement. it felt very unpleasant.
b really likes sleeping with guys she doesn’t know. i think i might say that to her. you know in the form of a question that is really a statement kind of way in order to get my point across. i’m not very pleased by the prospect of her bringing him home. i’m also concerned by her idea that she will have found herself a boyfriend just because they will have had intercourse. i think there might be a cycle. there may be a pattern here. i will report on it later if i come to any conclusions.
i’m horribly judgmental. part of me is looking forward to mill’s boyfriend walking around my house without his shirt on. he’s an attractive man. part of me wants to hire aiden to walk around the house half naked. that won’t happen.
i spent time with aiden last weekend. the fireworks were beautiful, the ice cream was delicious, and the buzz was delightful. there were a few exciting sexually frustrating moments but i realized that for every moment that i wished we were still together there were four other moments that reminded me why we aren’t. not to say spending time together isn’t pleasant anymore because it still is. it just isn’t exciting.
i wonder if i’ll still be close with aiden when i can no longer remember how good he used to make me feel. the physical link we had forged between our bodies is fading. there aren’t anymore orgasms to reinforce our connection.
anyway i suppose if this dd guy does become b’s boyfriend at least i will know who she is bringing home every night. that is a slight reassurance. however i am NOT going to listen to her talk about her relationship.
sometimes i feel bad for b. she comes into my bedroom and i never go into hers. i think i’ve got a feel for when she is being manipulative and when she is insecure and when she is being a bitch because she has self esteem issues. i feel like when b comes into my room it is because she is seeking me out. looking for a friend. i try not to turn her away because while i don’t particularly like her i certainly don’t hate her. i pity her. all things considered we get along pretty well.
she is still kind of a fucking bitch though.
anticipation July 3, 2008
Posted by skcity in friends, life.3 comments
i’m alone in the office today. in a lot of ways i’m very important to this small company. i have multiple responsibilities and i play a vital role in day to day operations. which is rather twisted considering i only work part time. in fact i’ve only been working 17 hours a week so far this summer.
i am really excited for my 22nd birthday that is coming up. i like to think i’m mature for my age but i know i have a lot to learn. i have some of the best friends and throw some of the greatest parties and i can’t wait to go out to eat at my favorite restaurant and party at my house afterwards. my housemate b will be out of the country during that time so everything should be comfortable and cozy.
i am really excited about the pottery class i’m taking. i’m still learning but had a little bit of previous experience so things are progressing nicely. i can’t wait to make bowls, mugs, cups, flower pots, and all kinds of things. i think i may take another class because i know it isn’t likely that i’ll accomplish all of that in the remaining 6 weeks. the funny thing is owning pottery has never been my thing. i don’t collect it and i don’t buy it. i’m also hoping to make things as gifts. for dace and cage. for wren and linz. i especially want to give my mother some pieces of pottery.
i am excited to be completing my directed research BEFORE i start grad school in the fall. i will have gotten seven months of hard work out of the way enabling me to hopefully relax a little during grad school. i’m not the smartest or the best so i hope that i can at least have an edge on my fellow students. i can’t describe my excitement about this.
i’m pleased that i have a college degree. i’m so proud that i was accepted to every grad school i applied and even accepted to the absolute best program in the nation. i try not to worry about the fact that i wasn’t awarded any money. i have enough saved to cover all five semesters and then a little some.
i’m happy to have housemates. it’s a living experience i think i need and the additional cash flow coming in makes me especially happy. the remodeling of the basement is going well if somewhat slowly.
i’m relieved to be quiting my wonderful job. after 20 months i’m starting to get a bit unmotivated. i’m ready for something new. i’ll miss the paycheck but i should be able to survive without much hardship over the next two years. truly b and mill are a financial relief.
i am happy to have friends. nickel has been talking to me more. yes i’m identifying him now. i couldn’t think of what i wanted to call him. i think i want to call him nickel because when we first met he taught me a trick with a nickel. he personally invited me to the last movie night at his place. while i still find him attractive i’m not holding my breath to see if anything happens. more than anything i’m pleased to be included in his movie nights because of the movies he picks. he rents movies that are older than all of us. in the last two weeks i’ve seen two movies from the 70s. he only picks really special critically acclaimed and award winning movies. most of our choices come from what i believe is a top 100 list.
i’m really excited about taking a cupcake decorating class. i’m excited about baking. i’m excited about riding my bike. i’m excited about painting again. i’m excited about the homemade ice cream i’ve decided to make for my birthday.
this was all motivated by an article i read today that suggested thinking about exciting upcoming events so that you will live your life in eager anticipation of each day. i’m excited to go run in the country this weekend. i’m excited to stretch my stiff knee everyday as i gently and steadily work on my flexibility. i’m excited to take chances and feel like a fool.
oh i’m so confused! July 1, 2008
Posted by skcity in life, the boy, the sex.add a comment
it wasn’t too long ago that i finished my last post. i said everything i wanted to say and i conveyed the events accurately.
but i can’t pretend that what i wrote in the last post is okay. it’s contradictory. it’s a sign of my weakness.
i know the sexy secret relationship with aiden didn’t work. for months we were lovers yet single individuals. i really enjoyed it. we were ‘together’ without feeling public pressure. part of me wonders if that was just denial. it was an ideal situation really which is why it occasionally got called out as unfair to aiden. i benefited by having amazing sex without feeling like i was cheating when i wanted to date other men. i’m confident when i say that aiden’s heart wasn’t able to let go as easily as i did.
part of me recoils at the word cheat.
i’m honest with him and if he asks me a question i answer it. i’ve told him he can ask me anything and i will tell him the truth. he hasn’t asked. he doesn’t want to know. he enjoys denial too it would seem.
this is quite a venomous backlash to my own post of desire and sexual frustration. i don’t think it’s progressive for me to use a man to satisfy myself. the only way i’m different than b is because i use one devastatingly sexy man instead of many random drunk men.
i’ve said it before. aiden and i don’t deny the lingering physical attraction and we don’t punish ourselves for having sex. what is scary is the passion we shared in that kiss. maybe it was intense because it was forbidden but i feel weak when i want him.
i hate feeling vulnerable. the previous post unsettles me because it strips away my calm understanding of the situation and reveals my primitive desire.
i’m afraid that the desire will consume me and i’ll be back in his arms this weekend. i want it so badly too. i want him to hold me and satisfy me. the fear is that it sets me back and sets me up to crash and burn. am i prepared to be with him and deal with the consequences?
really i think i’m almost as afraid of intimacy as i am of the consequences.
i’ll admit i really wanted him … July 1, 2008
Posted by skcity in life, party, the boy, the men.add a comment
i stayed out until the lights came on downtown last night. i drank and i stayed up late and now i’m at work.
i want to tell about the smashing success that the potluck barbeque was. there was pork sirloin, ground steak burgers, and chicken breasts. everything was seasoned deliciously and cooked almost perfectly on the grill. the fruit salad was a big hit and almost all of the food was eaten. for dessert we had strawberry pie. it was the perfect gathering of 10 or 12 people. the man in question was going to come but canceled friday afternoon. i was disappointed. before he left the city though he did bring over a big bowl of pasta salad he had made for my party. everyone had a great time most everyone got tipsy and we played pictionary. i love being a hostess and i feel great pleasure when i have some of the best parties.
saturday i went with aiden and his family to the ball park. it was slightly awkward since i’m no longer dating their son. however they still seem to really like me. attending the fireworks ball game has been a tradition for the past three years. i remember the first time we went i was nervous to be around his family all day.
aiden looked so hot. i wanted to take him home. every once in a while he reaches for me to touch me in some way. these days i pull away more often than not. we were never big on public displays of affection.
oh but he was so damn sexy. it was the first time in a long time that i lusted after him. since before i left for europe in may. the two times we have hooked up since i returned have been rather ordinary. the first time we were together again it was a little forced but then i enjoyed myself and the second time it was rather anticlimactic.
it was nice to have his company again and after a few drinks we left the group to get food. he was pleasantly surprised when i glanced about conspiratorially to make sure no one was watching, stepped close to him, wrapped my arms around his body and placed a soft kiss on his neck. i whispered in his ear “we should go somewhere to be alone where no one knows us.”
he grinned and gave me a squeeze before gazing at me and saying “you are so damn cute.” he laughed and i laughed and it was nice. our little secret.
he complimented me like that a few times and hearing him say those things made me really happy.
it got chilly that night so we were wrapped up together in a blanket. he tried to slide an arm around me a few times but i shrugged him off. during the fireworks display we surreptitiously held hands that were hidden beneath the blanket. he tried to wrap an arm around me again but again i shrugged him off. his mother knows we’ve broken up and it made me uncomfortable.
after the game we drove to a restaurant for dessert. aiden told his family he would ride in my car. as i put the car in gear he placed a hand on my knee. when we parked i gently caressed his neck and almost immediately we were kissing. it was passionate. it was intense. it was exciting. he ran a hand from my neck, down my side, then grabbed my hips. i gasped and he groaned with frustration. a few moments later we could see his family approaching so we separated.
thinking about this even now still excites me.
we ate a decadent chocolate dessert and then it was time for his family to drive home. aiden walked me to my car and we embraced. i quietly said, “let me kiss your cheek.”
he turned his head slightly and i gently kissed his sexy scruffy face. he then kissed my cheek and we let go of each other.
the funny thing is no matter how much i try to convince myself otherwise we still haven’t let go. the attraction between us is still very strong and the way we responded with passion on saturday is playing tricks on my mind. the relationship didn’t work. eventually the secret sexual relationship began to burn out. for the first time in a long time i wanted him. for the first time since we broke up i wondered if we could ever be together again. it’s the inevitable fear of living a mediocre life together that keeps me from him. of course it was all about our relationship, our love life, our future. the truth is though i’m afraid of a mediocre life and aiden is absolutely mundane. well mundane and sexy. dammit!
last night i gave a guy my number and flirted with him. he wasn’t aiden so that was nice.
i’m not going to wait for aiden. getting on my knees and wishing him happy birthday isn’t exactly waiting now is it? aiden’s birthday is this weekend …
