let’s be honest September 15, 2008
Posted by skcity in life, the bitch, the boy, the man, the sex.4 comments
i’m feeling that inclination rise in me again. it isn’t an urge. it isn’t a compulsion. it’s self destruction. most forms of it feel quite natural to me. that’s why i say an inclination. it doesn’t feel wrong even though i know it is.
i bought a pack of cigarettes. i’ve had four cigarettes in the last month. one a week approximately. i do not like smoking. i think it is disgusting. i think it looks cool. i love smoke. when i smoke i can feel the inflammation and constriction it causes. i’ve been craving cigarettes. something to fiddle with.
something to allow me an escape. often when i smoke i am doing nothing else. only smoking. gazing off into the distance or listening to others chat.
i hate smoking. i hate that my body enjoys nicotine.
i stopped taking my antidepressant.
the pharmacy changed one generic drug for another and i started feeling paranoid.
paranoid enough that when i forgot to take it once i ‘forgot’ to take it the next night and the next then the next.
so now i’m contemplating. will depression descend? the drug should have worked it’s way out of my system by now. i was on a low dose. a maintenance daily drug. have to keep those brain chemicals in balance.
i’ve felt overwhelmed. a smudge of despair. strangely craving sex. i never thought my antidepressant affected my sex drive. then again maybe my body is craving pleasant neurochemicals anyway it can get them.
nick has been on mind. i want to fuck him. i don’t care about the time we shared together anymore. i want rough sex. i think that desire has more to do with me than it has anything to do with him. because i’ve also been thinking about when aiden would fuck me rough and hard. pin me to the bed until i cried out in pain and ecstasy. his voice harsh and his touch firm. i’ve been thinking about how i bit nick’s lips. about how aiden used to gently bite my neck and my nipples.
i don’t want just orgasmic release. i want adrenaline.
i’m making an appointment in the morning with a new doctor. to discuss my medication. i feel anxiety when i think of the upcoming week in clinic.
now more than ever i wish i had someone to cuddle and comfort. i have no one. i know that aiden would immediately be ready to go if i began to take off his clothes. funny i made that comment in the same paragraph as cuddle and comfort. i think my body and my brain are confused. i’ve been wanting to get down on my knees in front of a man. taste him.
maybe it’s best nick and i don’t have any time for each other if i’m so mixed up. i haven’t seen him since the last full moon. he hasn’t called me in two weeks. i wasn’t desperate. deleting his number ensured that. it guaranteed i didn’t call him and offer to lick his cock like i’ve been craving.
which reminds me. b spent another night with the man who called her a cheap whore. she drove the hundred miles to service him presumably without even the reward of a dinner this time. maybe she got a bagel for breakfast on the way out the door.
i can’t help but wonder after reading this post … all the actions i describe in detail … is that another form of my self destructive behavior? if i engaged in those activities with the wrong men i think it might certainly be an unhealthy inclination.
let’s hope i get my medication straightened out soon. let’s hope nick realizes that we can balance our friendship, law school, grad school, and a sex life. let’s hope i don’t succumb to fucking aiden. let’s hope i turn out okay.
one month of grad school. i can’t lose my mind so soon.
i wish i had a lover September 7, 2008
Posted by skcity in life, the man.4 comments
three months. it has been three months since i last had satisfying sex.
last night at a bonfire i asked wren for her phone and looked up nick’s number. i texted him.
he said he had been studying a lot.
i was tipsy and wanted to go over to his place and make him moan and sigh and gasp.
he said that studying is his life now.
which is legitimate. the first year of the law program he is in is intense.
i wanted to sit in his lap and kiss him and have his hands and all over my body. i wanted him to hold me and tell me about mathematical theories. i wanted to find out what he was learning.
he gave me an honest reason for why he hasn’t been in touch with me.
yet i responded in a conclusive manner.
“right. i see. well good luck with law school.”
i went home and emailed aiden. reminded him of the weekends we spent under the covers. then i suggested maybe we could do that again sometime.
i don’t want aiden. i want to satisfy a need. a need i wish nick could meet.
there is so much for me to do today. i have three classes and three clients this semester. things are going to get very busy and probably a little stressful. i wanted to have a relationship with nick where we supported each other with regards to our studies and used each other for sex when we needed to relax. i always wanted easy access to a man when the end of the semester comes around. nothing like a hard fast fuck to relieve some stress.
don’t you admire his dedication a little though? i show interest and i think it’s obvious that i would eventually sleep with him. so even when presented with a woman who wants to have sex with him he still chooses his academic career.
i like anime and battlestar galactica and adore his voice and am amused by his sarcastic humor and occasional arrogance. there aren’t too many women who would connect with him on those things.
i want to look especially sexy this semester. so maybe when he has enough time to notice me again he’ll realize how amazing i really am. the question is … will i really wait for him?
is that what it is? September 5, 2008
Posted by skcity in the man.5 comments
things on my mind.
i own my condo and i just hired a cleaning lady. i feel like a brat knowing i pay someone to clean my home.
i worry i’m obnoxious and materialistic.
i’ve been shopping today. i’ve spent a lot of money in the last week. my roommates just paid me their rent. the two of them pay me more than i earned at my part time job. i lived here without roommates for two years before they moved in. i’m destitute without them. i’m currently significantly benefiting from them.
i couldn’t sleep last night. i kept dreaming about my client. about my supervisor’s feedback.
i was told i sounded condescending. this has bothered me and plagued my thoughts. it loops with the thoughts about materialism and consumerism and greed. i try to remind myself regularly that i am better than some but i will ALWAYS be worse than others. in all things.
my friends assure me i don’t sound condescending. i was so shaken by this feedback i called aiden to discuss it with him. he does after all know me better than anyone.
grad school. nick. i feel the soft shadowy edge of depression licking at my mind. i nervously watch the anxious thoughts circle around my consciousness.
i went shopping. i bought some fabulous tops. a great pair of heels. i looked like hell in the store.
my favorite vintage t shirt looks a lot less cute when my face is blotchy and i have a ball cap pulled over my messy hair and smudged eyes. i still walked with confidence and looked people in the eye and smiled. i try to behave with poise and grace. i don’t always pull it off. i’m too impatient. i still try to act like a sophisticated woman despite my wretched appearance.
i’ve still fantasized about nick. i want him to slowly kiss me from my stomach to my neck. i want to touch his cock again. i want him in my bedroom. i want to surprise mill and her boyfriend some night when they discover nick is alone with me in my room. i want to keep it a secret. then i want us to be found out eventually.
is it really he’s too involved in his law studies to have time for me? i guess it doesn’t matter.
i’m upgrading to a smart phone. i’m thinking about getting a blackberry. i want an iphone. i don’t want to change mobile carriers. i’d still like an iphone. i think i’ll be fine with a blackberry however.
i’ve been listening to a lot of paul simon lately. i watched the graduate last weekend and i loved it. i was watching the graduate in bed the night nick called me so late. my bedroom was clean and i was wearing lacy black panties. i’m pretty sure i secretly wanted him to come over and watch the graduate with me.
i watched fight club monday night. that was the last time i contacted nick.
i’ve also been listening a lot to “you only live twice” both the nancy sinatra version and the coldplay version. i love the descending melody. i would love an instrumental only version.
i desperately hope this doesn’t become a record of my descent into depression.
i don’t have many readers but i don’t imagine the few i have would tolerate such a dark and gloomy pathetic voice.
that’s okay.
i’m here for the honesty.
my honesty.
forced patience September 2, 2008
Posted by skcity in uncategorized.2 comments
i feel a little sick to my stomach. i’m going to try really hard to forget all about nick for the time being. we flirted heavily last tuesday night. i invited him over for a movie night on wednesday. he couldn’t come because of his school work.
i’m obviously not a priority.
he called me at two in the morning on friday night. i was asleep.
there have been pleasant text messages. just now we had a brief chat online. he said he had to go study. i said goodnight.
i want to know if i’ll ever get to kiss him again. i want to hear his intoxicating voice in my ear.
i just deleted his number from my phone. i’m not desperate. i’m not going to embarrass myself. i really like him but i don’t have his number memorized so it’s currently lost to me.
i need to relax. there isn’t much i can do now. if he wants me let him get me.
