i strongly dislike mondays October 27, 2008
Posted by skcity in friends, life, party, the boy, the man.4 comments
i was supposed to meet nick for lunch today.
he arranged it through mill. my roommate and his friend.
last night i couldn’t sleep and i tormented myself using my imagination.
i looked great when i left the house. after i’d eaten a plain bowl of mashed potatoes for lunch.
mill texted me at 11:30 and said she hadn’t heard from nick. apparently nick called at 12:15 but i’m not sure how that conversation went down. all i know is today’s lunch was called off.
i’m slightly uncomfortable with mill being the unknowing liaison.
late last week i had sent nick a friendly pleasant and very innocent message asking if he would be coming to my masquerade on saturday. i ended by saying i had a nice time with him in august and if he ever wanted to get together for pizza and beer or lunch on campus to give me a call.
come friday i found out he asked mill to set up a lunch with all of our friends on monday. i was on his list. i already knew what would happen. wren was busy, cage always works through lunch, and mill is usually running around.
we were going to meet at a pizza joint close to campus. i hate the place. i can’t afford it either after my party on saturday. in fact i am completely broke until the girls pay me rent on saturday and i deposit it on monday. i had on a nice black top under a dark gray hooded shirt. my dark blue jeans. my makeup was almost perfect. my eyes were smoky yet perfect for daytime. i actually put color on my lips. a turquoise scarf and accessories completed my look.
i had a masquerade on saturday. it was great fun. turned out really well. it was a nice party. i was disappointed more people didn’t come. i had 17 guests for the duration of the night but i was expecting 20 and hoping i might have a few people come and go. only five grad students showed up which irritated me considering i made a point of inviting everyone and personally invited several of them.
everyone was beautiful. it was a black and white party. we played pictionary.
the plan is that mill will host the next game night party. i suggested it be six or eight people which is the perfect number to play pictionary. i had the most fun when it was mill, james, wren, linz, and nick.
i think i need stronger antidepressants. i’ve been taking them regularly and there are still dark swirls of thoughts in my mind. i like my clients. i have to collect data. write notes. maintain their file. it’s monday and i already feel like quitting. quitting in the darkest way. i don’t want to end my life. i love life. i just want to make everything stop. stand still.
aiden is visiting this weekend. to be honest i’m looking forward to it. he hasn’t visited since the first weekend in june. my friends are looking forward to seeing him too. he really is a good guy.
a note from december of last year October 20, 2008
Posted by skcity in the boy.4 comments
i was searching my facebook inbox for a drink recipe involving pineapple juice. i found something else entirely.
“i love you mr. in a relationship man. i love that your profile pic is with my pineapple at my house and i love that you were sleeping on my top bunk and i love that you were geeking out on my couch. i love that we sort of cooked in the kitchen and that we made oreo pie together. i love that i slept so well with you and then when i dreamed you’d left me i woke up and you were right there.
i love how incredibly sexy you look all scruffy, without a shirt (or better yet naked), with messed up hair, lying in my bed. i love how you said “god i love you” and “damn you look cute with short hair.”
i love you.”
i really did love aiden completely and deeply. it’s funny the notes you stumble across sometimes.
my thoughts October 19, 2008
Posted by skcity in life, party, the boy, the man.add a comment
i dusted and rearranged my bookshelves last night. it makes me very content and satisfied. it looks pretty damn good. i sit in my chair and gaze at my bookshelves. if i knew where my digital camera was i might just take a picture and post it. maybe next time.
i baked carmel appletini cupcakes today. they were mediocre. i won’t bake them for the party. instead i’ll bake chocolate cupcakes, frost them with chocolate ganache, sprinkle on a little oreo crumb “dirt”, then put a gummy worm on top. i’ll also make my favorite creme brulee cupcakes which are to die for. i’ll also have spiced apple cider and jello shots.
i’ve been thinking about aiden almost borderline obsessively lately. i’ve been thinking about how excited i am for him to visit.
i’ve wondered if we’ll talk about other people and i imagined myself telling him about nick. i decided that was ridiculous and just plain selfish. i decided i won’t tell him about nick unless he point blank asks me if i’ve gotten together with anyone. in that situation i don’t want to lie. the truth is pretty harmless after all. we spent some time together in august. we kissed. school started and it didn’t work out.
i’ve thought about aiden walking to the kitchen for a drink with his jeans unbuttoned and no shirt. for some sick reason i want to show him off to my roommates just a little. the two girls have sex all the time and i’ve been celibate in my bedroom. let me assure you aiden is a sexy man. i got to wondering if i’d ever date a man with the same body or better. nick is attractive and handsome and i sometimes think he is sexy. particularly his full lips. those make him sexy. but despite the fact that nick works out and rides his bike as his main form of transportation he is still a little soft around the edges. he’s also deliciously tall. i had to stand on my toes to kiss him that night.
aiden’s body isn’t soft. aiden’s body is very firm. it’s due mostly to genetics and diet since he doesn’t really work out. if aiden did work out though he would be irresistable.
wren told me that my actions are speaking louder than my words when it comes to aiden. she said it doesn’t matter that i’m telling him he can be with other women because as long as i allow our physical relationship to continue that is going to keep us from letting go.
i’ve been thinking about aiden with his new friend. i’ve been thinking about what if they were to start dating. could i be civil to aiden’s new girlfriend? in my mind the answer was yes. i could accept it. if aiden really does like her i want him to be happy.
then i thought of her liking him. i thought of her wanting him.
that was when the jealousy kicked in once more.
the next few weeks are going to be interesting.
i’ll write about my party i think. i’m going to send nick a personal message via facebook asking if he is planning on attending and maybe say something about … well i guess maybe i’ll just say something.
something else October 14, 2008
Posted by skcity in life.3 comments
do you realize several of my recent posts are about sex or involve sex? it’s not a secret. it’s quite obvious in fact.
i feel like sharing a bit about myself tonight.
i’m a bit of a geek. i love my macbook pro and i personally upgraded my memory. i don’t have a lot of technical skill but i love all manner of technical and mechanical things.
i am in the process of watching the first season of battlestar galactica. i love it. i love science fiction. i am ridiculously excited about the new star trek movie.
i’m also looking forward to the watchmen movie. i respect alan moore the writer and creator of the watchmen. i also have admiration for frank miller and love the stark contrast within his sin city graphic novels.
i absolutely love and adore the work of neil gaiman. the creator of stardust and the sandman graphic novels. i just discovered last night that my university library had all of the sandman collection and i was surprised to discover someone had gotten to the shelf before me. there were several books missing in the middle of a shelf. i checked out the few sandman novels that were left and have already finished reading one of them.
i like anime. nick and i watched a classic anime movie together. later that night we kissed.
aiden compliments me on my eclectic music taste.
i own several pairs of high heels and stilettos. i love nothing more than a vintage t shirt and a soft jacket. i’m blonde and curvy. i haven’t been downtown in ages. i’m 22 and sometimes i feel so young and other days i feel old. more often than not i feel content with who i am.
although to be honest it’s quite possibly a mix of apathy and complacency rather than actual contentment.
more melancholy October 12, 2008
Posted by skcity in going back, party, the boy.3 comments
i went home this weekend. b and i rode together. we didn’t have a lot to talk about during the almost two hours.
can i keep writing melancholy posts? it really is the way i feel when i’m alone in my bedroom. the song “i’m not over” by carolina liar is in my mind a lot. it so true and i know it. i’m not over him just yet.
aiden might be getting involved with a new woman. i don’t think she’s pretty enough for him but she likes the same audio visual media stuff that he does. rumor is the girl likes him. i know for a fact her mother wants to see them together. another fact is that the two of them spend time together late into the night until 5. right now they’re just friends. yukon is strongly advocating aiden make a move. there is definitely the potential. if the woman really is interested all it would take would be enough alcohol in aiden to make him comfortable and affectionate.
i secretly want him to have nothing to do with her.
on saturday night i told aiden i kept going back and forth between “i still really like him” to “don’t be the jealous ex-girlfriend” in my mind. we were talking about us being broken up and still friends at a wedding reception we went to together.
he had his hand on my leg.
we made out against my car.
we made out against the brick in the alley.
we slipped away inside the building to an isolated dark upstairs doorway.
i pushed him into a corner.
i kissed him then took his belt in my hands. he whimpered softly as i unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants then pulled out his hard cock.
i slowly sensually slid down his body and wrapped my lips around him.
since i’ve already confessed to my somewhat kinky pleasures it should be no surprise that i enjoy blowing him in semi public places. part of me wanted to screw on the stairs except i knew from experience that while i would enjoy it i wouldn’t be able to orgasm. the possibility of being found out is both excitatory and inhibitory for me.
i licked my lips and grinned like the cat that swallowed the cream. i stood and was about to walk away with my drink when he pulled me back for a hug and whispered “i am never going to be able to be in this building again without thinking of you. you are absolutely fantastic.”
back at the reception we were happy and laughing and joking about things and the words “you’re mine” slipped out of my mouth. i blushed at the unplanned possessive exclamation. aiden was delighted.
i smiled an evil smile and took his face in my hand and said “don’t worry you can still get together with …” and at this point i said the first and last name of his potential interest. he hid his shock well except for the amount of time it took for him to recover.
he asked how i knew about her and i told him i was insightful and intuitive. then i asked him if he wanted to dance and we did. later he told me i was full of surprises. first the blow job then the full exposure of his next possible lover.
i told him he could be with anyone he wanted to so long as she didn’t mind when i slept over.
strange that i don’t mind sharing his body but i feel possessive sharing his orgasm. part of me is concerned that he’ll start sleeping with someone new and find them a better lover than me and never want to share my bed again. mill told me that anyone who sleeps with aiden after me is going to be so boring in comparison to the bondage, spanking, dominance, and other games. i had never thought of it like that. our sex life was so fun and exciting and it was all built on complete trust.
i think it has a lot to do with my feelings that orgasms can chemically bond people together. nothing like a wash of pleasurable neurotransmitters to condition you and reinforce your interest in someone. i hate the thought of him attached to anyone other than me. i hate the thought of him as unexperienced. i hate to admit i told yukon to encourage aiden to find someone new.
aiden still doesn’t know about nick. i heard tonight that nick has withdrawn from some of his friends specifically mill’s boyfriend. they wondered if it had anything to do with his psycho bitch ex girlfriend. their words not mine. i’ve never met her. apparently he has been spending some time with her lately.
saturday night a few tears silently slid down my face as aiden held me tight in an embrace. it makes me wish for the days when we didn’t use condoms and it was all about making love. when he would stroke my hair and whisper that he loved me and wanted to marry me and have a family with me.
i suspect when he visits we’ll fuck hard and rough. then maybe we’ll have sweet and slow sex.
the question is will we ever make love again?
intercourse on the interstate October 5, 2008
Posted by skcity in the boy, the sex.2 comments
it’s strange. i’ve tried writing over the weeks. it just never really got as far as posting. i wrote about normal uneventful things and the way i was feeling about nick.
on friday night i missed aiden terribly. all of the roommates were gone. i texted aiden and asked if he would meet me at a hotel between our two cities. after a short discussion and an online search aiden called me and told me to get the room.
we each drove an hour to meet in a small town with a hotel. i was wearing gym shorts, a sports bra, a tank top, and a hooded sweatshirt. i had taken a few minutes to clean up and brush my teeth but otherwise i couldn’t have been dressed more casually. i brought a novel in case i got there before him and my laptop so we could listen to music. i brought condoms.
i arrived at the hotel and signed and paid for the room. aiden arrived as i was getting my things out of the car. i gave him a quick chaste kiss on the lips as a greeting. i leaned into the car to get my laptop and when i turned around i noticed aiden was very hard. but when i handed him my computer he used it to cover himself.
everything seemed normal. in the back of my mind i knew what we were doing was somewhat illicit in nature but we still felt so comfortable around each other. we chatted as we walked up the stairs.
once we got into the room we started kissing. it wasn’t urgent. it wasn’t intense. it was sweet and comforting. he slowly unzipped my hooded sweatshirt and pulled it off. i ran my hands all over his back and chest and through his hair. he pulled down my shorts then and i walked towards the bed.
there was foreplay. he did everything i liked. i did what he liked. it was so incredibly familiar. like it hadn’t been three months since we had last seen each other. i told him the condoms were in my purse and he looked at me and asked “we’re using those?” i replied, “yes.”
it was delicious. it felt amazing and aiden felt so good inside of me. he moved the way i wanted him to move. the orgasms washed over me and relaxed and renewed me. aiden’s moans of pleasure delighted me.
we laid there in each others arms breathing hard and i felt satisfied.
i whispered in his ear, “it wasn’t just sex that i wanted.” and he murmured back, “i know.”
we talked. we laughed. we told stories and discussed our lives. we touched. we had sex three times. i stroked him gently as we talked. he snuggled me and said he liked that i touched him.
we tried to sleep. we didn’t sleep much. the mattress was uncomfortable. aiden suggested that we couldn’t sleep because we were sharing the bed and after all this time maybe it was strange. i didn’t think that was it. the springs were squeaky and poked you every time you rolled over. i wished we were sleeping in my big soft bed. so did aiden.
in the morning we ate muffins and drank coffee. it was cold at 7 AM. i held his arm as we walked to our cars and told him i was sad things didn’t work because we were so good together. he said he understood. that grad school and the distance made it reasonable. acceptable. we kissed goodbye.
i drove the hour home. i watched the sunrise. i thought about the last time i watched the sunrise with nick. i was sore. things had gotten wild and intense. i crawled into bed and went to sleep.
we broke up six months ago and yet i’ve been thinking about how nice it was to spend time with him. i love his hard body and smooth muscles. i want him to visit me and stay in my bed all weekend. he makes me laugh. he comforts me and soothes me and is very important to me.
i wonder … could we have an open relationship? that’s a rhetorical question. don’t answer it.
yukon told me there are some girls that seem interested in aiden. i want aiden to be happy. i want him to experience life and get out there and be with new people. he’s fast approaching 23 and still lives at home. yukon asked me if i thought aiden lived at home so he could save enough money to afford me. i told him that aiden needed independence if he wanted to have me.
on friday night i was so content in his kiss. it was gentle and sweet.
the issue of nick. i’ve been pretty certain that he was too busy for me and wasn’t trying to keep in touch. then i began to wonder if i effected his behavior in some way. if my insistence that he make an effort caused him to think i was no longer encouraging him. i sent a few text messages over the last week. i got a tepid response. i have a few concerns. i wonder if this will affect my social circle. i have lots of questions and i’m not sure i’ll get any answers.
so much to do. i have a neurology exam tomorrow. paperwork to fill out. checks to deposit. errands to run. i think now that i’m almost finished with pottery i’ll start painting again. life goes on. grad school never stops.
