at this instant November 30, 2008
Posted by skcity in friends, going back, life, the bitch, the boy.add a comment
at this second this very moment i am happy.
i had a nice night in with b. we chatted and had a casual girls night by ourselves.
aiden’s facebook status is “aiden wants to drive crazy fast.” he updated it last night after dropping me off at my car. after we watched a dvd alone together in an empty house. after we spent endless hours kissing each other’s soft lips. stroking each other’s faces. gently biting each other’s necks. as i tried to stand up he embraced me and i ended up straddling him. it was kind of cute and mostly innocent until he ran his hands up under my hooded sweatshirt. he caressed my bare skin beneath my clothes and i breathed deeply as i trembled every time his fingers teased my desire to the surface.
with a gasping sigh i put his hands on my thighs and kissed his lips. then i stood up off of him. we left shortly there after. the entire night we didn’t talk about anything serious. it was just good fun with lots of kissing and his warm body pressed against mine. but i didn’t sleep with him despite the opportunity.
when his facebook status says ”aiden wants to drive crazy fast” i interpret as “aiden is experiencing an incredible surge in testosterone from spending the night touching yet not having kate.”
this makes me feel strangely happy that i still have this effect on him.
i saw twilight today. it made me happy. i didn’t have high expectations. i haven’t read the books. i enjoyed the movie despite a few times giggling when i’m sure i wasn’t supposed to be. more than anything i love the soundtrack which i downloaded when i got home and am listening to now.
life is good at the moment. i don’t want to jinx it.
it was like a slumber party but with alcohol and porn November 24, 2008
Posted by skcity in friends, party, the men.2 comments
friday night i relaxed in bed before eating dinner with b, mill, and another friend. we sat around and chatted. later as i was getting ready to take a shower mill came up into my bedroom to talk. it was nice. we don’t talk in my bedroom very often. she told me about how james didn’t wash his hands after dicing a spicy pepper for dinner. then later that night they were fooling around and mill began to feel warm. she suddenly realized what had happened and ran to the bathroom where she began trying to wash off the residue. the reaction had already started and desperate for relief she asked james for milk to pour on her burning skin. all he had was an expired half gallon. you can imagine mill’s horror at being forced to pour soured milk between her legs. it eventually stopped the burning but she then spent the next twenty minutes washing and rinsing trying to get every bit of pepper and milk off her skin. poor girl. we laughed hysterically in my bedroom. mill wanted to tell me because she knew i could relate what with my own little horrific injury and resulting scar.
i showered and got dressed. it was a friend’s birthday and we were all going dt. i knew michael the computer engineer would be there. i dressed up in a hot black top with the jeans that make my ass look great and my black boots. i had a pretty teal scarf and the perfect long earrings. it was a good night. i took a ton of pictures to post on facebook for aiden to see and be jealous. i flirted a little with michael all night and didn’t drink much at all. in fact i was totally sober when mill and i left the group to go dance at a club. i heart dancing to techno.
on saturday i slept in and took out the recycling and cleaned the house. i’ve begun to feel like i do most of the cleaning especially in the kitchen and i wonder why the girls don’t help out more. admittedly we have a woman come in every other week to clean but that doesn’t mean our house has to be a wreck in the mean time.
for dinner i met up with some friends at a chili cook off fundraiser. it was wild and crazy and a lot of fun. i went with the niece of the president and ceo of the rehab hospital that was putting on the fundraiser.
then i went home and showered and got ready for the party. it was a laid back party but i started drinking quickly and was rather drunk when it came time to play buzzword. which happened to be the most fun game ever. i flirted with michael more. everyone was laughing and having a great time.
somehow we managed to party hard until 3:30 and when james brought to our attention that no one should be driving i pulled out the air mattress, blankets, and pillows. around 4 we moved the much smaller party of four into the living room and set it up sleep over style.
i have no idea whose idea it was to watch porn. i desperately hope it wasn’t mine. yet it was my computer they streamed it on. the boys took this on as their project while the girls buried their heads in the pillows.
overall it was an amazing party and i kind of wish i’d been a little more outgoing with michael but then again that isn’t my style. in theory he could have slept in my bed and not on the couch. the couch is nine feet though and comfy. everyone had a soft pillow and sheets and blankets. i think that i provide the most awesome ever place to crash.
i kind of wish i’d made breakfast for all of us but when i woke up at 8 i wasn’t feeling very well. i went downstairs to get a glass of milk and everyone was fast asleep. i went back to bed and slept until noon. apparently they left at about 10:30. they were sweet and cleaned up a bit.
nick was invited last night. he didn’t come. his brother did though. everyone lamented that nick never goes out anymore. his brother did say “he said he was going to try to come and that he really wanted to which is more than what he usually does he usually just shrugs and says whatever.”
i’m thinking about asking nick on a date. can you believe it? what’s happened here? i’m not even sure. i do know that i need to refill my antidepressant prescription so i hope i’m not making unusual decisions already. i’ve begun to suspect that my paranoid behavior affected our very new relationship in august.
i also kind of want to get it on with michael but the trouble is they know each other and we all share the same circle of friends. we’ll see which happens first. is it okay to have a very quiet private relationship with both men at different times? or will that be throwing too much excitement into one group of friends?
craving a bit of flavor and a change of style November 21, 2008
Posted by skcity in friends, life, party.1 comment so far
i want to eat a bierock. but i ate two donuts for breakfast. and i’m going out tonight. so i want to look hot.
mmm bierocks. you already know i live in the midwest anyway. a bierock is meat and cabbage wrapped in dough and baked until they are steaming hot and golden brown. they are also incredibly delicious.
i want to be mean and look stunning tonight and go out downtown and have pictures taken of me and the computer engineer with a bmw. then i want someone to post them to facebook. me? passive aggressive?
this weekend lots of social events are planned. there will definitely be a lot of fun had. i also made a slight overture to nick the other night. i want to encourage him again.
well there is still a ton of paperwork to be done for grad school. it’s less than usual which is enabling me to procrastinate when really i should just get it done and go home.
i think i’ll skip lunch. around 5 i’ll have an early dinner and indulge in a bierock. it will make me a very happy girl indeed. then i’ll dress up and show off my curves and work it wearing my five inch black boots. some days i love being a girl and some days i love being blonde. i feel like a flirt at the moment and it’s refreshing. usually i just feel kind of depressed instead.
casual updates casually November 18, 2008
Posted by skcity in life, the boy, the men.add a comment
let’s be honest here. my writing sucks lately.
i started this anonymous blog a year ago so i could write freely and i have. i mean i’m afraid to go back and count how many times i’ve used the words ‘orgasm’ or ‘ejaculate’ in all of my posts. it’s pretty apparent that i like sex.
also that i’m conflicted.
and lonely.
more than anything i’m lonely.
i suspect that my meds need adjusting again but who cares. i want to share my thoughts. my dirty vivid thoughts. in neurology instead of paying attention i gazed into the distance imagining what my ass must have looked like in the black thong i was wearing that night.
dwelling on nick kept me from dwelling on aiden and i honestly think dwelling on nick was so much better.
i’ve been writing wren lately so most of my frustration and rage is vented there. she usually takes it silently which is probably best. i don’t need someone to help me dwell on my issues.
i sort of like a computer engineering major with a sharp bmw convertible. i’m not really into it though which is too bad. i’ll keep trying. i’ve been doing a little bit of flirting with law students at the law college where i study and i’m trying to screw up enough courage to wink at nick.
aiden occupies my thoughts because i’m lonely. i seek attention. i yearn for affection. i crave connection.
for me aiden is comfort and i hate that i’m the one taking it away.
my bizarre fantasy is to go on a date to the new star trek movie and have someone take me home and have wild sex all night. do you understand what that means? some level of my consciousness is entirely accepting and admitting that i LIKE geeks. i’ve accepted that i’m a geek and that aiden is a geek but actually WANTING a geek is new. nick bordered on geek. he did after all love battlestar galactica.
i’m just lonely. i want anyone. aiden is familiar but he would just be a temporary fix and that would cause more confusion.
this is an exercise in procrastination November 14, 2008
Posted by skcity in friends, life, party, the boy, the men, the sex.2 comments
perhaps going in chronological order will help.
two weeks ago i was getting nervous. i was getting ready for aiden to come to town and i was remembering all the reasons i didn’t want us to be together. i felt a little sick and anxious.
that friday night came and i let go of the nervous energy. aiden would arrive whenever he would arrive and he would go to his party and i would go downtown with my friends. he arrived and we hung out as i got ready to go. b was in my room with us when a song called “inside of you” started from my playlist. i gazed at aiden through his reflection in the mirror and we shared a secret smile. he used to murmur the lyrics of the song to me quietly asking “what do i have to do to get inside of you?” after i’d gotten ready i found out that i had indeed been invited to the party aiden was going to he just hadn’t thought to extend the invitation. i decided to to go downtown with my friends anyway as planned.
as we left the house together i went to kiss him goodbye and he tried to grab me for a more passionate embrace. i pushed him away and laughed.
downtown was so much fun with all of my friends. i only drank two beers the entire night and otherwise just enjoyed myself. i spent most of the night with the wonderful fort kickass crew which happens to be several of nick’s best friends. i was slightly nervous when we met up with the group. i was afraid there would be awkward eye contact from across the group and he’d look awkwardly down and away. i was afraid he would think i was there trying to see him. my fears were absolutely ridiculous. he wasn’t even there. he stayed home on halloween. not very fun.
nick’s brother was there though. his brother seemed happy to see me. he had grown his hair out a bit since i’d last seen him and was suddenly looking very attractive indeed. i’m still baffled by this. i found myself very attracted to nick’s brother. they share a lot of similar features. they are good looking men but younger brothers generally don’t do it for me. especially education majors.
on a side note aiden’s little brother is going to be an absolute hottie when he grows up.
we all arrived home separately but around the same time. i needed a moment to decompress from the crazy night so i laid down in the dark living room. aiden and b went together into the kitchen to make grilled cheese.
i listened to them talk. occasionally talk about me. mostly they wondered where i was. i’m secretly convinced that in the silence i heard them kiss. i’m also certain that i’m relatively insane. so i don’t really believe it.
after 10 minutes or so i heard b say “but she didn’t even say hello to me why would she do that?” so i called out “i’m sorry i didn’t mean to offend.” they were surprised to learn that i had been there the entire time. they called me sneaky and i laughed at them and called them stupid for not looking in one of the most obvious places for me.
despite my insanity aiden went to bed with me. we talked about our separate nights. then we snuggled and our lips slowly moved closer together until it was inevitable that we kiss. we had sex. it was average.
when we woke up the next day around noon we had sex. it was fun. the kissing and touching were special and intimate. as we were kissing i thought of nick and the strange way that he kissed that didn’t utilize every bit of his luscious lips. i remembered how different it was kissing nick. how comfortable it was kissing aiden.
then for whatever reason i asked on impulse “have you made out with anyone else?”
aiden broke my gaze and said “maybe.”
in that single moment you think i would have reacted differently but i didn’t.
i laughed. my initial reaction was delight. i asked him if it was weird kissing someone different and he said kind of. i asked if she kissed more with her lips or her tongue and he answered her lips which i nodded at in approval. at first i was pleased that he could relate to me about how strange it was to kiss another person. well he didn’t really relate at all with me but it was enough at the time.
i kissed him again.
then my curiosity started to warm up. i asked how many times they’d kissed and when. he sighed and answered twice about a month ago. i’m not sure i believe him. i let it go for the time being.
we went out for a late lunch. as we sat side by side in a booth his hand on my knee i grinned and asked him, “you do know we’ve been broken up for 8 months right?” he laughed.
it was a beautiful day outside. we went for a several mile long bike ride that afternoon. it was delightful. out in the country we kissed and i leaned against him as we rested on a bench.
then it was home to shower and get ready to go out. before we left the house we snuggled a bit on my bed. i asked if it was going to be awkward for me to be around his friends. he said no. i teased him and said he could introduce me as his cool ex-girlfriend that sleeps with him and lets him make out with other girls. that made him laugh.
we went to his friend’s apartment and drank beer and ate bad pizza. we watched football games and played video games. i was enjoying myself and thinking one of the guys was kind of cute.
later on that evening i started thinking about aiden with other women.
it was okay to think about him kissing her and alright to think of him in a passionate embrace.
it was harder to think about him caressing the other woman and feeling her curves.
it was more difficult still to imagine that woman putting her hands or lips on aiden where only i have ever touched him.
it was excruciating to imagine him excited, hard, eager, and in ecstasy.
i was bitchy after thinking through all the possibilities. i told aiden i was cranky because it was late and i was tired. aiden drove us home and i locked him out of the bedroom.
i stripped down and did up my bustier and lit half a dozen candles in my bedroom. then i let him in. the bustier pushed my breasts up and every time i rocked forward aiden would lavish my cleavage with kisses. for whatever reason we didn’t bother with a condom and when he warned me he was about to orgasm i didn’t stop riding him but kept going. he orgasmed crazy hard and i was pleased with myself. i think the last time he did that in me was five months ago. i hadn’t felt it in a long time. i think i’ll go day dream about all the times he orgasmed in me now.
later that night in the dark after we’d blown out all the candles i told him i was both happy for him and jealous and that i hated being jealous and it was totally irrational of me.
we slept in sunday and had sex all afternoon. we didn’t use condoms again for the rest of the weekend so aiden ejaculated all over my stomach and back which i find strangely very erotic indeed.
later that afternoon we went shopping and looked at iphones because i’m planning on getting one. on our way to dinner i was again thinking about him groaning while groping another woman. i was irritated and unhappy.
“you’re smart.”
aiden must have known this was going to go in an unpleasant direction because he hesitated before asking “why do you say that?”
“because you’re not curious. i’m curious and it’s going to kill me.”
there was an edge to his voice when he answered, “it’s not that i’m not curious. i just have the self control to not think about it because if i do i’ll be jealous.”
“yeah well i don’t have any self control so all i do is think about it.”
“well stop it. think about something else then.”
“oh i’m not thinking of that anymore. i’m thinking of all the things you should be jealous of.”
it was cruel. he didn’t want to know. he never asked. i volunteered.
he took me to dinner after that and paid for everything. he took me home after that and upgraded my operating system. he took me to bed after that and fucked me every way i wanted. he took me in his arms after that and we talked.
i asked him what he would remember about me. at the time i wanted him to remember the candles and the lingerie as i rode him with my breasts softly meeting his kisses with every stroke.
instead he told me all of the sweetest things.
he reminded me of why i loved him and made me regret ever breaking up with him.
in my next post i’ll tell you what he said and what happened next …
breakdown November 10, 2008
Posted by skcity in uncategorized.1 comment so far
i’ve been working on the post about what happened with aiden all week. it isn’t ready yet.
right now i’m so overwhelmed by everything that i could cry and sob and scream. i don’t want to do any of it. i’m going to stay up until it’s all done. i miss the comfort aiden used to provide. i’ve begun to suspect that as my life becomes more and more out of control i crave his influence more and more.
i’ve run out of money. the girls have already paid me rent for the month and i don’t get another trust fund payment until december and i’m taking money from the wrong accounts when i shouldn’t and i feel like an utter failure. i can’t keep a budget.
i want aiden to comfort me so badly. i can’t take it. i want someone to hold me and lie and tell me it will all be okay after a nap and a snack. i want someone to tell me i’m beautiful and that i am smart and special.
i want someone to keep me from feeling like a failure.
i’m calling the clinic tomorrow. i need to see a therapist. about my life. about aiden. about this crushing depression that keeps me from accomplishing anything. about my fear that i am incapable and i use excuses for everything.
i feel like i need a mental holiday break but can you take those in grad school?
i hate that i sent aiden an email saying we can’t be lovers anymore. i hate it all.
so much to do November 3, 2008
Posted by skcity in the boy.1 comment so far
there are some rather scary thoughts on my mind.
like the thought that whispers, “you still love him … you miss him … you want to get back together … you don’t want anyone else to have him but you …”
so much happened this weekend.
