Perfectly Flawed

i’d gotten two hours of sleep the night before.

four hours of sleep last night.  i was tossing and turning and waking up convinced i’d overslept.

lots of beautiful snow on the ground this morning.  perfect icy crystals.

i felt nauseous.  i thought i might throw up.  ate an egg mcmuffin for breakfast and i felt a little better.

i was at the law college a little after 8 working on my take home final.  as i looked it over i wondered why my time management skills were so poor.

called the gyno to confirm my appointment that afternoon.

two hours later i went to my office to prepare for my check out meeting with my clinical supervisor.  i wasn’t completely prepared.  i was then skewered.  went from an A- at midterm to a B+.  everyone likes to tell you that you will never get a worse grade at final than you did at midterm.  i guess i proved them wrong.  this basically means that instead of improving as a clinician i got worse.  specifically my time management skills and attention to detail.  she mentioned communication breakdowns.  i thought of her face.

left the meeting.  wanted to cry.  instead i thought about being cage’s bridesmaid and even mentally teased myself “maybe you’ll walk down the aisle with nick” which isn’t comforting and it isn’t anything really but it was a thought that activated my imagination so i wouldn’t focus on the failure i was.

i went to my professor’s office and let her know i’d have to leave lecture a little early today due to a doctor’s appointment that i tried to reschedule but needed to be taken care of sooner rather than later.  as i walked out the door she said something and i can’t remember exactly what she said.  it was kind and expressed a sincere wish for my well being and a slight concern over my health.  i said something in a voice that wasn’t quite mine and i left.  went straight to the bathroom and started crying.

there was no time for crying though because i still hadn’t finished my final exam for that kind professor.

i threw it together and in the end i knew despite the fact that i believe i addressed almost every item on the exam it still wasn’t going to be enough.  i would have to hope my other assignments could keep this final from killing me.  i never even considered how much the final might be worth in my final grade.

speaking of classes i have an 82.9 in neurology.  i need an 83.  i’m hoping they will round up.  if they round down i think that might mean academic probation but i’m not sure.  in grad school a B- is failing.

i left my final lecture and went to the gyno’s office.  i could feel less relief and more nervous breakdown on the horizon.  that’s not even true.  it wasn’t on the horizon it was more like waiting behind a corner.  i could sense it’s presence but when it did come it would completely take me all at once instead of a gradual approach.  i began to wonder why i had such time management problems.  i wondered what i could do about them.  i felt exhausted and a little depressed.  i worried about my behavior of self medication.

then i got to lie back and tell my doctor that i’d had sex with my ex-boyfriend and no i don’t think he’s slept with anyone else.

it was just a yeast infection.  a bad one though.

as i left the office with my prescription i just wanted to go home.  i waited patiently at a very busy intersection.  the roads were really icy all day.

was it the sleep deprivation?  the stress?  the depression?

whatever it was it it influenced me enough to cause me to somehow miss the oncoming dark blue suv.  i had pulled out in front of them and they slammed on their breaks but because of the ice couldn’t stop and slammed into my car.

i feel so incredibly guilty.  i keep playing the scene back in my head and after thinking about it i remember there was a car in front of  me.  they were either going to turn left or go through the intersection.  several cars had stopped to let our two vehicles cross partially due to the light at the top of the hill.  i remember looking for traffic and only seeing it at the top of the hill.  for some reason the car in front of me stopped which placed me in the unmarked intersection.  this made me nervous because of the traffic and ice.  i was worried someone wouldn’t see me and they’d be unable to stop and would hit me.  in hindsight it’s really quite simple isn’t it?  the car in front of me stopped because there must have been traffic coming from the other direction.  but i was impatient and nervous about my location so i pulled up around the car and onto the street.  a few seconds later there was impact.  i feel so guilty also because it was a teenage girl who in my mind has never been in a car accident before.  her vehicle wasn’t damaged very much but my two year old hatchback sustained significant damage.  i really liked that car.  my mom gave it to me or rather we switched so that she had my older, larger, and more comfortable car while i got the cute new car with the good gas mileage.  my family never buys cars that new.  i’d been so excited last summer when she had bought an 06 in 07.  you see that’s about as good as it gets for us because my family chooses not to buy new cars that depreciate the second you drive them off the lot.  so really this car was like almost brand new.  my family usually write checks for our vehicles but i think my mom might still be making payments on this one.  i guess i don’t know.  the car is driveable but my mind keeps thinking about how it was almost new and in such good condition and now it was going to need repairs and body work which is never as good as the original parts from the factory.  it’s forever changed and altered and decreased in value somehow.

i didn’t stop by the pharmacy.  i went straight home.  thought about how i don’t have any money to pay for repairs.  thought about how the stock market killed my trust fund.  i went to sleep crying.

i woke up from the garage door beneath my bed irritated but temporarily blissfully forgetful of my day.  i stepped out of my room and called to b to ask if there was any more tilapia left from dinner.  she’d knocked on my door while i was asleep to ask if i wanted any.  sadly there wasn’t.  what there was was a man in my living room.  i don’t know who he is.  i think they’ve had sex before which makes me dread when they have sex again.  if i’m guessing correctly this is the man whose voice woke me up at 3 am.  b’s bed is made.  it’s inevitable and awkward.

i’ve checked my voicemails and my text messages.  my parents both left me very supportive messages which i don’t feel i deserve.  my neck and knee are sore.  a woman from my bank called to tell me i had over drafted my account again.  i have no money.  i do have money in a mutual fund that is liquid.  it’s for my entire grad school education.  it’s for emergencies.  it’s for when i want to get some cosmetic surgery.  i’m thinking of using that money for repairs.  i can’t imagine my parents taking on that cost.  i’m imagining approximately a few thousand dollars right now.  maybe more.  insurance is going to go up which my parents kindly pay.  lately i’ve been thinking of using that money to pay off my credit card.  automatic payments keep over drafting my personal checking account.  i have no available  money.  the money i do have can’t be used to “fix me up” whenever my personal account gets low.

my horrible day is going to end with a stranger in the next room.

i’m emotionally exhausted.  i haven’t even begun to treat my infection which is wretched.  i feel like a failure.  i feel like giving everything away and living in a cabin and gardening.  i remind myself that i could be a stay at home wife someday.  then when i think that to attract a very financially secure husband my thighs should ideally be thinner and my breasts more symmetrical and perkier.  i don’t think i can really afford that though also i don’t feel quite ready for it at only 22.  then i think about why do i need a financially secure husband?  so i can continue living a materialistic existence with cute almost brand new cars?  maybe i should find a husband who can pay the utilities and we can live together in a cabin and i can garden.  then i think about aiden.  i know it was right to break up with him but i can’t help but wonder if he would have made me happy eventually.  i don’t think so but i still can’t help but think it.

i left yukon a message.  i want some cannabis available as soon as possible.  then of course i’ll be getting loaded friday night at our party.  as i cried myself to sleep i wondered what i could take to numb the pain and i felt fear knowing i was trying to self medicate again.  

i hope my life gets straightened out soon even though i don’t know how to do that yet and i hope b and her friend have the worst sex of their lives.