can it be true? January 25, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, life, the bitch, the house, the men, the program.5 comments
i have something strange to announce.
i think i’m happy.
with a few occasions of despair and confusion of course. but really? we’re human. i am well aware that there are millions possibly even billions of people who are more miserable than me. i also know that all of the people who appear happy very rarely are. it’s the human condition isn’t it? suffering? dissatisfaction?
i’m very lucky and i’m becoming more and more grateful for my life. i own a very comfortable condo. i’m getting through grad school just fine. i believe my experiences with grad school are not very different than anyone else’s. grad school isn’t supposed to be easy after all.
i feel like i have a lot of personal issues to resolve that tend to manifest themselves in my day to day life. i keep forgetting to make an appointment with a psychologist. i’m not sure how i feel about the possible outcomes from that meeting. a diagnosis of anxiety, depression, or add would help me understand myself better and possibly provide me with more resources to deal with my issues. most of the time i’m interested in pharmacological solutions but i’m well aware that i am probably over medicated as it is.
i’m losing weight which is also making me happy. not even through mia. it is amazing that i’ve been able to be conscientious and eat healthy. what usually happens is any time i try to go on a diet i become obsessed with food which spins me back into mia. but i don’t want to talk about mia. not at all.
i think one of the reasons i’m happy is because i’m taking five fascinating classes and have a very light clinic load this semester. last semester i had very writing intensive supervisors and a lot of paperwork. this semester shouldn’t be as stressful. i’m trying to avoid putting things off and i’m trying to do things as soon as possible. we’ll see how it goes.
i’ve been feeling more attractive. the invitations have ranged from obvious to outright. i liked having someone buy us drinks from across the bar on a wednesday night. i like that nick is talking to me more than anyone. the truth is it’s only as friends as i believe he’s still seeing his ex. i’m supposed to meet a new man next weekend. a friend’s boyfriend’s roommate who is apparently geeky. doesn’t sound like he has long term potential judging from his current biography but he might be a nice new friend. oh i think i’ll also be going speed dating with cole just for the great conversational fodder it provides. there are some hilarious stories from speed dating. also cole is married so there won’t be a repeat of b dating a man i like.
and aiden … well … aiden. it seems all of my girlfriends were right that his confusion probably isn’t about ceasing our activities but maybe about the emotional impact and possibly having a relationship together. i’m disappointed to say aiden was more attractive when he figuratively pulled away from me. i wanted him because for the first time ever i couldn’t have him. rather ridiculous i think. i believe that also played a large part in my ongoing interest with nick. i couldn’t have him and it kept me interested.
when aiden said he was confused he basically told me he wasn’t sure why we should keep doing what we’re doing and he mentioned he didn’t know if he could handle getting back together with me. i took this as he was thinking about putting a stop to all of the intimate yet casual sex. i thought it meant maybe he wanted a relationship with someone else. so i told him i had been seeing someone in august. i wanted to illustrate that we could keep the status quo and didn’t need to renegotiate whenever we were interested in someone new. all of my friends reminded me he was the one who mentioned thinking about getting back together. that’s made me think a little. i’ve also been reminding myself that nothing has really changed. still living in his parent’s basement and doing the exact same thing he was a year ago …
this song has been playing on my itunes a lot lately. it makes me think of aiden. it expresses a longing but i don’t think it is asking for a second chance. i’m not ready for another try. i want him to be completely blissfully happy. i want him to take a big glorious bite out of the world. i’m worried he won’t. all i can do is hope he will.
i decided to let aiden come to me if he wanted to. i wasn’t going to force a conversation. it’s worked pretty well so far. i sent him an short email that was an invitation to talk but that was it. i thought he was ignoring it. a week later he emailed me. at two in the morning last night.
I’ve thought of you many times this week. I don’t know why I haven’t called you. I’ve wanted to a few times. I guess I always talk myself out of it because I think you are doing something more important like grad school.
I know it’s a lame excuse. I want to talk to you.
Hope all is well
xoxo
Aiden
so he hasn’t forgotten me. that’s good. i’m happy because i have good friends. i’m happy because i truly have a good life. i am fortunate. i have problems of course. my annuity has all but dried up which is wretched considering what it was last summer. if i was still getting that much money i would definitely have an iphone. there’s a problem with my memorandum of courses and i believe my advisor didn’t plan for me to take a required class when it was offered. i’m hoping for a satisfactory resolution.
a friend came over for dinner last night and when i said that b will probably be moving out over the summer for law school my friend expressed an interest in moving in. it would be spectacular if i could have a friend move in right when after b moves out.
i hope this happiness isn’t short lived. i’m relaxed. i have been fantasizing about painting and making pottery though. it would be a dream come true.
last night i baked portobello lasagna and i think i’m going to make cream puffs today. life is good. in the next few days my cute car should be completely repaired. i’m a little scared to drive it again. i’m afraid i’ll somehow end up wrecking it.
unhappy and useless January 23, 2009
Posted by skcity in life.3 comments
do you ever wonder how is it possible to be so sad and depressed? i’m crying right now. because i don’t have guts or courage. i’m not seeking pity. i’m trying to understand how i can feel this way when life could be so much worse.
i was issued a ticket for “failure to yield” when i got in the car accident a month ago.
i was told i should try to make it go away. that would require talking to the county attorney.
i’m such a coward i couldn’t bring myself to do it. i had no faith in myself. i was afraid of rejection and failure. i was afraid of even trying.
i was afraid of even trying.
how pathetic is that?
i truly believe this ticket is unnecessary. i tried so many times to articulate why i felt that way. i even told it to aiden when he visited and it came out relatively smoothly and coherently. i don’t feel like explaining it now. suffice to say i was rear ended and i got the ticket. the police report angered me because it said i REPORTED that my vehicle collided with hers. implying i hit her. which is impossible unless i was going in reverse.
all so simple.
i didn’t even have the guts to try.
i convinced myself that i would just pay the fee and make it go away.
i’m so disappointed in myself. am i ever going to experience life without feeling like a failure?
which brings me back to my original point. when i think of this matter it isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things. that makes me feel better. i know that worse things happen than a ticket. what makes it so hard is because i feel like a failure. the only way i can feel like a failure is if i feel i could have succeeded. i had the possibility of making this go away. i had the opportunity. my cowardice at speaking to a stupid government official stopped me.
i’m so angry at myself! i should have sent the payment in before today. i’d forgotten my court date was today. typically you’re supposed to either pay or show up in court. i haven’t done either. in theory there could be a warrant out for my arrest and i could face a suspended license. unlikely though. i plan on mailing it in tomorrow and calling to let them know payment is on the way. i hate to say i’m willing to pay a hundred dollars to make it go away. however the thing i hate even more is where i’m supposed to sign on the ticket that i plead guilty. i don’t plead guilty.
if i don’t plead guilty then i should have spoken to the attorney or showed up in court.
i’m debating rescheduling the court appearance. discussing it with the judge. i suppose i could always go and then if the ticket stands i could pay it there.
i hate what ifs. why am i cursed with what ifs? what if aiden sleeps with his girl friend? what if i could have made the ticket go away without going to court?
what if i had my life together?
i feel a mild migraine right now. i know it’s a migraine because my eyes hurt when i look at bright things.
i think right now i’m going to mail the money in without signing i plead guilty. i want to pay to make it go away and i’m fine with the ticket on my record in theory. however, i do not want to plead guilty.
i’m such a fool i missed the court date.
i can’t talk to aiden. after our confusing conversation about how conflicted he was over our relationship i decided i can’t contact him. he needs to figure this out. i know he’ll be busy with his girl friend visiting anyway. girl friend not girlfriend. she’s the one he fooled around with this fall.
even looking up the county attorney information makes me uncomfortable. the fear almost assuages my pain because it reminds me why i didn’t.
it makes no sense for me to be so miserable when my life is mostly so great. my life is great. i just feel like i’m the failure.
confusion January 19, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, life, the house, the men.1 comment so far
i’m slightly confused. i’ve had a few confusing nights. i want to share this but i think it’s going to have to be kind of spit it out instead of write it pretty.
thursday night i went to a gay club with yukon. amateur strip night with some amazing male bodies. yukon brought two friends. i assumed both were gay.
when the girl asked me if i was straight i said “yes” then took a deep breath before explaining that i’d always been a little interested in women. turns out she’s was into men for several years before discovering a gay relationship this past fall. she’s cute and sexy. the strip show was amazing. none of us participated in case you are wondering but it was definitely fun to be in the audience. afterwards it was dance time.
i danced with yukon. i danced with the girl. she rubbed against me and put her hands on my body. i put my hands on her body. the runner up in the strip contest danced with her a lot and it was quite the dirty sexy dance. i danced with the guy that was yukon’s friend. i thought he was gay. it became evident while dancing that he was not gay. i told yukon all the dirty things i did with aiden. yukon told me if i had a penis he would so date me.
at the end of the night i kind of ignored the straight guy. he was cute but not really my type. besides i always date a little better. i did however ask the gay girl for her phone number. i’m surprised to say i’m interested. i like her body and i like her look and i like her attitude. i don’t really think i could ever have a relationship with a woman but i’ve always kind of wanted to have sex with one.
it was beautiful outside when we left the club. it was snowing softly and there were snowflakes everywhere.
friday was busy. classes then a late lunch date then a coffee date then errands then i got my hair cut. it was the same girl i had cut and color it in april. i feel so much better with my hair recently cut. i was lazy and it had gotten a bit messy looking.
friday night was fun when i went out with several grad students and their partners.
saturday night i went out for sushi with some friends. i don’t want to talk about what happened that night but i think i should. after dinner we went downtown. i wasn’t planning on drinking much but i had a very potent mixed drink and a beer. i decided to stay with two male acquaintances when my friends left. they bought me beers. they bought me shots. i asked for a ride home but they thought we should keep partying at one of their apartments. i was now very drunk. slightly concerned i was going home with two guys. being drunk i also was way too honest when they asked if i smoked and i said “i smoke some things.” i got high with them. not smart at all. one of them flirted with me while the other one surreptitiously touched me. i think it was a bad situation and a potentially dangerous one but i believe these guys would not have hurt me but they may have tried very hard to persuade me. i do know them they weren’t strangers.
i was sad i couldn’t be just one of the guys.
the weed was making me extra paranoid and there was a moment when i feared they would just whip out their wangs and see what i would do. fortunately i began to feel sick then from all of the alcohol. i went into the bathroom and locked the door then threw up. then dry heaved. then when i would shift my position or move i would dry heave again. so basically i was probably in the bathroom for about an hour. i think i dozed with my head on my arm across the toilet seat. when i finally left the bathroom they were both asleep in their rooms. i crashed on the couch. the next morning i couldn’t find my cell phone so i texted it from the guy’s computer until i found it. i called a taxi and got my car then went home.
it could have been worse. i could have placed myself in real danger. i’m lucky i didn’t.
sunday night i had fun with a friend at my place. shortly after she left mill brought home a friend that was staying the night. a cute attractive guy a little short and with beautiful eyes. apparently he asked mill if i was single. he came up to my bedroom and asked if i wanted to hang out. i said we could watch a movie downstairs. he flirted. he touched me unnecessarily when talking or handing me a drink. he touched my leg a few times but i pulled away. at the end of the night i asked if he would be okay on the bunk beds in the basement (you know checking to see if he would be comfortable or if he needed anything else) and he asked “is that an invitation?” i told him not tonight it wasn’t.
true story. after we said goodnight he then went and knocked on b’s door. he woke her up and i’m a little surprised she didn’t invite him in. he told mill what had happened. it was strange and a little awkward but nothing too uncomfortable. i remember thinking if it was nick doing those things i would have been tingling with excitement.
nick and i have been talking almost every other day lately. through facebook and texting.
i told aiden about what happened on saturday night with the two guys. i was kind of upset and needed a little comforting. he didn’t have much to say but he was calm and did comfort me a little. i hope he couldn’t hear the tears in my voice. he then brought up our relationship. i’ll be writing more on that in the future. he says he’s confused. he said he felt like there was a disconnect when we were together over the weekend. i explained that was only natural considering we were broken up. he also said it had been an amazing weekend together. he has apparently been arguing with himself. i’m guessing between stopping this casual best friends with benefits business or suggesting we get back together. i vote for keeping things the way they are. i’ll explain my reasons for that in more detail later.
meh i know this is a badly written post and i wish it were better but i kind of needed to vomit these words. em, i’ve been meaning to reply to your comment on my protected post and i plan to do so in the near future!
it’s late and dark now January 14, 2009
Posted by skcity in uncategorized.4 comments
as i rolled over i wondered, “why am i thinking about this?”
then i remembered. it’s because i watched episodes of fullmetal alchemist tonight.
reminded me of when i first moved to this city in summer 2006. i was a new homeowner. attending university. living alone for the first time in my life. without any friends in my new city. madly in love with my boyfriend even though looking back i was cautious even then. i thought about my straight A semester and i cry thinking of my B grades. my first semester here i had two A+ and three A grades.
i want to see a psychologist to determine how much of my problems are due to depression, anxiety, or ADD. my mom believes she has ADD. i’ve taken tests online. i think it’s really possible. i think it would explain a lot. i hate that i know i’m capable of As yet somehow i always end up getting Bs.
you’d think being in grad school would be special and exciting. instead it’s stressful. i have great friends in this city now which is nice. i don’t have a man. i always hoped i would meet someone here and i haven’t.
when i first moved here i had just quit the waitressing job i’d picked up. i had my kitty cat sir dish who now lives with my parents. i took naps. i read textbooks. i studied. i did assignments. i didn’t really leave the house on the weekends. aiden would visit me.
everything was shiny new and exciting. the thoughts are keeping me awake.
i hope life gets better. things aren’t awful now i just remember when things were better and i wish for those days. not sure i’d like to be a junior again and 20. it’s kind of nice to be in grad school i suppose.
i think i can sleep now.
i’m no longer haunted.
oh as i meant to say. when i was alone and had my cat and slept in and took naps and studied all day and did nothing on the weekends – i would watch anime on adult swim and full metal alchemist was the first anime show i caught. deathnote followed. then wolf’s rain. i watched wolf’s rain about this time last year. when my grandmother had just died.
so many thoughts.
i hope i’m no longer haunted i suppose i should say.
coming together January 13, 2009
Posted by skcity in uncategorized.add a comment
i’m slowly writing a very long post.
it’s about the events of this weekend. with aiden. in incredible detail.
i don’t think anyone should probably read it because it is somewhat pornographic in its description. let me just say that there were some mind blowing experiences over the weekend. experiences that i want to remember. i want to read it years from now and be shocked at what i’ve written. i want it to be powerful and raw and true. i’ve never had a problem blogging about sex before but now i’m feeling bashful.
that probably has something to do with how absolutely personal it is. i’m trying to capture the most intimate moments.
strange that when i wrote the title i didn’t realize it works in relation to both my writing and what i’m writing about. pun initially unintended but i like it so it’s going to stay.
Protected: adult content … viewer discretion is advised January 12, 2009
Posted by skcity in the man, the sex.Enter your password to view comments
we watched rainman January 7, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, life, the bitch, the boy, the man, the sex.3 comments
so the protected entry i wrote while i was high. it’s pretty interesting.
tonight i’ll write briefly while i’m slightly drunk. not drunk really but tipsy. nick irritates me. i’m convinced he’s sleeping with someone. my rationale being “if i were fucking someone i wouldn’t leave the house either.” i’m becoming closer friends with his brother. which is kinda cool and weird. especially because his brother said he feels like he’s kind of taking a lot of nick’s friends. i really wanted to sleep with nick over break. knowing full well when school starts i’ll leave him well enough alone. yeah totally didn’t happen.
aiden is coming this weekend. he’s going to fuck me. it should be great.
he’s also installing my new 500 GB internal hard drive for my macbook pro.
b said he was kind of like the geek squad (a tech support company) with benefits. it was funny. i personally thought of the blow job i promised him and said “yeah it’s an interesting barter system we have.”
i love b. i don’t think i like her but i do care about her. i don’t trust her worth a damn. i trust aiden. i really like him. still.
i really like aiden. still can’t imagine myself being with him forever but he really does connect insanely well with me.
i think that’s enough for tonight.
i’m going to make pancakes when i wake up at noon.
i really want … January 3, 2009
Posted by skcity in uncategorized.4 comments
i really want to bake cupcakes. and eat cupcakes. but it’s late. and i’m not sure it’s a good idea right now. and i’m sad that i think 10:20 is late. because it’s not. in fact it’s quite early. i remember over the summer when i’d go out after midnight …
