it was what it was February 28, 2009
Posted by skcity in the men.add a comment
alex just left my house a while ago. at about 2:30 this afternoon. he arrived at my house at 8 last night. we went to a local pizza place that has a huge selection of international beers. ordered pizza that has a very thin crust, bleu cheese, mozzarella, and walnuts. it was amazing. we both drank two pints of dark beer. then we went to my favorite bar and had a cocktail (martini for me and a moscow mule for him). we capped off the downtown experience at one of my favorite coffee shops. latte for me cappuccino for him. that gave me time to ensure i was okay to drive. it was snowing rather heavily. it was beautiful outside. he offered me his arm so of course i took it. he made a comment about the snow and “taking it in the face” which made me laugh almost hysterically. we had a lot of fun. back at my house we watched a movie only we spent the entire time talking.
at about 2 in the morning i got out a pillow, a sheet, and a blanket so he could sleep comfortably on the couch. he was drunk and the roads were icy and slick because of the four inches that had fallen. he had stretched out so i threw the blanket over him and we said goodnight then i went upstairs and went to sleep.
this morning i woke up around 8 knowing he wouldn’t sleep in. i peeled two potatoes then grated them for hash browns. he seemed in a strange mood so i gave him a bit of space and listened to a podcast while i made breakfast. eventually he told me his girlfriend had called last night at 3 am and they had gotten in a fight. i listened. i poured him a glass of orange juice and a glass of milk for myself. we ate together and talked while looking at stuff on each other’s laptops. i then told him i was going to watch v for vendetta because i hadn’t paid attention last night. so together we watched the movie. afterwards we sat around on the couch and talked.
later alex stretched out on the floor and i stretched out on the couch and eventually he started talking about his girlfriend. so i got the entire story. he told me their relationship is on the edge. he told me a lot about her about the things she does and the way she reacts. i remained silent and didn’t voice an opinion because it wasn’t asked. later he thanked me for listening and not saying anything. he has a problem with her. him driving to my city really upset her even though she did try to pretend that it didn’t. after all the crazy girlfriend that forbids her boyfriend from seeing his friends seldom lasts very long.
i like alex. i was amazed that we could spend so much time together and have the conversation flow so naturally and comfortably. i could see myself kissing him. i looked at his body and imagined him naked. he doesn’t strike me as well hung but you never can tell. nick my goodness was a pleasant surprise.
it was a fun evening. i’m not a fan of listening to him talk about his girlfriend. however, the way he discussed it made it sound as if this won’t last much longer. we’ll see what happens then. i believe we may plan to get together again sometime. overall the night was a great success!
let’s just roll with the neurosis February 18, 2009
Posted by skcity in uncategorized.add a comment
operation … gizmodo. yes i think gizmodo will do nicely. it’s a tech gadget blog he reads and it does a nice job of referencing his general interests.
i’m turning to this blog because wren is irritating me. i often write long and detailed emails to her. she usually responds and most of the time she’s insightful. sometimes it’s just an acknowledgment. other times i get nothing. i know she’s busy. i’m trying to accept it. i just don’t like it when i’m ignored. meh. i’m a leo and we’re very discontent if we aren’t the center of attention. i think it’s kind of true.
i’ve established the first issue that needs to be examined in my strategy. i’d normally be referencing this to my friends but i’m tired of discussing it with them. since alex stepped onto the scene he’s been the focus of conversation and that just isn’t right. also working on a strategy makes me more than a little crazy and i’m afraid it’s gotten me in trouble before and it will get me in trouble again. in my mind there are ways things should work and my reactions to things usually work in whatever mental construct i’ve developed but not always in real life. i hope that made sense. pretty sure it doesn’t.
so the first issue is … how much do i reveal to the enemy? specifically regarding my position. i’ve got to assume she must have some skill if she’s able to manipulate alex so easily (which by the way is a turn off that he can be manipulated so successfully and quickly … if this ends soon it won’t damage his appeal too much if this drags on it will definitely be the end of him and she can have his possible desperation). i obviously don’t want to be outright and let it be known i want her to fall and me to rise. direct confrontation in this situation probably wouldn’t work. do i reveal a facet of my position to him by questioning her motives out loud? doubtful although that depends on how things go as friends. i want to write on his wall to show that i’m still in the game but knowing that’s likely partially what set her off in the first place makes me think i’ll keep the visible moves to a minimum. on the other hand if she goes crazy about him being friends with me that could work in my favor. crazy girlfriends aren’t attractive. although this too could backfire if he feels guilty and decides to side with her. i think keeping my visibility low will lull her into a false sense of security. i don’t want to arouse suspicion because it sounds like once this guy is no longer a hot commodity she’ll lose interest quickly. after all she’s the one who originally rejected him so long ago.
i think i might be insane. who does this? it’s not normal and probably not healthy but i like being able to analyze the world. i focus on things and devote too much energy on the details. i like situations where i can use if/then statements but those seem to very rarely work the way i want to use them in real life.
as i’m typing this i’m already kind of thinking about giving up. too much energy. mostly just a waste. i liked him and i think things could have worked for a while. we talked regularly for two weeks. he said he’d like to visit me in my city for drinks like we had planned. i’m thinking about inviting him next weekend.
i think the best strategy is to play it cool. play it normal. i’m wondering if i can pretend she doesn’t exist? i wanted to take things slow and be friends first anyway. so this is our opportunity to be friends. there is a subtle flirtation but i suppose it could be overlooked. if i pretended she didn’t exist i would probably be more flirty. so the flirting issue is something to really be considered. also if i do just approach this as friends will she still react defensively? how much will that affect me?
i don’t want to be the other woman. let’s make that clear. i would still consider kissing him though. except i know that would make things WAY more complicated.
there. that was what was on my mind. i’d also like to note for the record that nick and i have been having ridiculously long facebook conversations. not via chat but through private messages we send in the afternoon and evening. since the new year we’ve probably sent hundreds back and forth. not a drop of flirting but a lot of friendship building. which is one of the reasons i was angry he ignored me when i asked him if he wanted to do something together. it’s lame that we’re friends online but not in real life. that’s not even like friends actually.
we talk about supremely geeky things nick and i.
i also believe that is one of the things i have going for me in this interesting little operation gizmodo. i am blonde, tall, and curvy. but, more importantly, i am a major geek. i love graphic novels and i research video games and i like new tech stuff and sci fi … i can’t really even put into words how i feel about sci fi. i also bake a lot so that’s a plus too. from scratch mind you. included in my arsenal are excellent blow jobs*, a voracious sexual appetite**, an interest in bdsm, and experience with kinky sex***. it doesn’t hurt that i’ve added a slight tan that makes me look healthy and the fact that i’m losing weight. i can already tell though that the weight loss is affecting my curves. my breasts to be specific. i don’t mind less around my hips in fact that’s what i’m going for but i did like having nice breasts when i weighed more.
*i’ve been told this on a number of different occasions by different men and while my first inclination was to believe they were just saying it the feedback has been consistent and quite positive. i also insisted aiden give me specific knowledge of performance and knowledge of results (although amusingly enough that technically isn’t necessary when the results are so obvious).
**i used to think i had a voracious sexual appetite so i’d like to keep that on my resume however the fact is i haven’t had that much sex at all in the last nine months. i’ve been mostly okay with it so does that mean my libido has gone down or do i have secret self control that i’m unaware of.
***i don’t think any explanation is necessary because parts of this blog are practically devoted to the kinky sex i adore.
it makes me happy when my friends told me that whomever aiden sleeps with next will be boring and ordinary compared to me. i know better and i know they’ll probably have mediocre but exciting sex as is common the first time you sleep with someone new. but still it makes me feel wild and like no woman will quite compare when she stands where i stood or more accurately lies where i laid.
are you serious?! February 18, 2009
Posted by skcity in uncategorized.1 comment so far
valentine’s day showed me exactly where i stand in my relationships with men. i didn’t feel like going on a date on valentine’s day so i made the decision to reschedule my date with alex for friday. there was a big snow storm and alex couldn’t visit because of the weather.
1) i asked the single computer engineering student friend with a bmw that is NOT alex if he wanted to go out. no response. i’m slightly annoyed.
2) i assume aiden got laid saturdayt. he didn’t call or text or send any indication of thinking of me on valentine’s day.
3) i asked nick what he was doing saturday in hopes he might want to catch a movie together. no response. more than a little annoyed.
4) the real shocker is discovering that saturday afternoon alex’s facebook profile changed to reveal “alex is in a relationship with … ” and it was not me. yes that’s right when his ex of over a year ago told him she still had feelings for him he somehow accepted it. which leads me to a few questions and concerns.
a) why now? i believe it’s because she saw me writing on his wall and knew we’d gone on a date. i’m ashamed to admit i wrote “it’s monday … are you excited for friday yet?” which is something if i had read on aiden’s wall i would have been itching with irritation.
b) what kind of man is he that he just said “yes darling” when she’s the one who refused to give him a relationship a year ago?
c) i’m assuming she’s the one who made it “facebook official” yuck. who does that? someone wanting to mark their territory that’s who.
d) how manipulative is this woman and how far will he let her go?
e) i’m wondering is this a game that can be won and if so what strategies will i use to my best advantage. i can’t express how annoyed i am.
f) is she the jealous type that will fly into a rage if he goes out with me? will she try to make things hell and will he side with her?
he told our mutual friend that he didn’t know what to do when she said she wanted to be together. he said he really liked me. he sent me a text message late monday morning. apologizing and saying he understands if i’m not comfortable getting together anymore but that he would still really like to be friend and that he thought i was one hell of a girl and really liked me the moment he met me. blah blah blah. i didn’t respond until about 10 o’clock that night. i’m glad i let him sweat a little. he said he was so relieved i’d responded and he had been thinking about me all day. so it’s clear he still wants to be friends. he also said he still needed to visit me in my city and go out for drinks.
mostly i feel like the other woman is my opponent and she is responsible for this situation. as i understand it alex was not after her. yet i can’t help but have red flags go up because he’s just taking this. maybe it will work out for them. until it does though i’m planning on being there. logically there is no way they can be serious, committed, and exclusive already. if they are well … i’ll try not to judge them too harshly. i said i wanted to be friends with alex. here’s my chance. my only concern is if this woman was so possessive to dig her claws back in just when another woman got interested what will she do now that they’re dating and he wants to go out with me? i’m guessing she’ll act crazy. if she does will he realize it? accept it? that will really tell me a lot about him. i’m hoping she doesn’t act crazy so that it makes my life easier. i’m also kind of hoping she acts crazy because then i’ll know i’m under her skin and if she acts crazy enough maybe he’ll “leave” her which in this situation it would be more like revision instead of a break up. after all this did only happen a few days ago.
then again, he is a man. so he’s now probably getting laid and that is satisfying.
yeah i feel a little bit evil. i just do not feel like taking this lying down. i’m not sure how much i want to fight over him but i’m angry i had an opportunity robbed by a jealous ex girlfriend whom he didn’t have the guts to say no to. so while i want to mix things up i don’t want to cause a war. just a nice dirty little battle. it will be a fine balance because making her get down in the dirt could very easily drag me down too and poor alex really doesn’t need two crazy girls after him. so i’ll have to be careful. try not to get too involved.
i just noticed he deleted a comment from her on his facebook wall … resulting in her to use his full name. i wonder why he did that?
contemplating February 13, 2009
Posted by skcity in the boy.2 comments
i was supposed to see alex tonight. we got hit with a big snow storm though and he couldn’t drive from the metro to my city.
i’ve been thinking about my last post. a few words in particular seem to ring true.
“i suspect the only thing that really upsets me here is that she has the audacity to flirt with a single man.
in other words i have no justification so i’m trying to understand my emotions and why they rush and fade so easily. i’m trying to work through the possibility that this is all it will take and we’ll both be free. i’m wondering if knowing will make it easier.”
i’m amazed at how even as i wrote that i could feel this ebb and flow of emotions. i do not relish the thought of him with another woman but i secretly embrace the implications of him having sex with someone else. i think that’s being honest. i know she’s there this weekend. i know he’s out drinking right now. i know that sometime in the next 48 hours they may have sex. i keep reminding myself so i force the acceptance. i’m telling myself that he will sleep with her. that i will not sleep with him again. that it’s perfectly fine and a perfect opportunity to dissolve that lingering sexual attachment. i want to believe this. i want to believe he’s done it or is doing it or will do it so i can believe that we might be over.
trying to understand February 11, 2009
Posted by skcity in the boy.add a comment
i feel a blind jealous rage when i read she’s written on his wall, “3 days until my cake …”
i wanted to cry. i wanted to tell him “no! don’t do it!” except i knew i couldn’t. not at all. not after what i’ve done to him and how long it’s been. he deserves this opportunity. he deserves to be happy. he deserves to have sex with another woman.
i write those last words and immediately the sensation rushes back then fades. i can’t understand why i feel so intensely and it dissipates. i just don’t understand.
i imagine telling him i won’t sleep with him because he had sex with her. i imagine him asking me, “why didn’t you tell me that before?” or maybe, “if i had known i would never have slept with her!” i imagine her as the instigator moving the action forward. i wonder if aiden will sleep with her after only two previous encounters. i wonder if he has the decency to decline such a meaningless incident. i wonder if he will eagerly strip her down and beg to be fucked.
i wonder if i’m grateful we didn’t have sex saturday and i think i am. i imagine her to be a slut. i wonder if he likes that she’s easy. i wonder if it matters to him that they don’t have a relationship. i wonder if it matters to me that they don’t have a relationship. i wonder if they’ll go out to dinner or just party.
i suspect the only thing that really upsets me here is that she has the audacity to flirt with a single man.
in other words i have no justification so i’m trying to understand my emotions and why they rush and fade so easily. i’m trying to work through the possibility that this is all it will take and we’ll both be free. i’m wondering if knowing will make it easier.
something i picked up on … February 11, 2009
Posted by skcity in the boy.add a comment
when i went to categorize the previous post i clicked on “the boy” and felt a little discord. aiden didn’t feel like a boy the last time i saw him. he felt very much like a man. this is interesting. we’ll see how it develops.
where do we go from here? February 11, 2009
Posted by skcity in life, the boy, the men.add a comment
i feel almost exactly the same as i did the last time i posted. this is quite strange. i’ve always felt very emotional or even when i don’t feel emotional exactly i still feel extremes of some internal sensation. so for me to still be keeping along at this midline is strange indeed.
mill broke up with james last night. she’s relieved. it sounds as if they’re going to keep on like aiden and i did. james is leaving for the peace corp in the spring. he’ll be gone for two years.
i think i always think about aiden. almost every post i say “i’ve been thinking about aiden lately.” so i suppose if i’m honest i’ll acknowledge that he is never far from my thoughts. i have been asking myself lately if we have feelings for each other. asking myself what that means. if we don’t have feelings for each other then we are just hooking up. i love sex with aiden so very much and he satisfies me.
after three years of exploring each other and experimenting we’ve developed an interesting and varied sex life. i don’t know how much of that is because we established it together or if maybe we just had to age a few years and discover it eventually ourselves. i find it hard to believe i wouldn’t have found someone else who liked occasionally spanking me but i do find it hard to believe i would have ever found someone i trusted enough to tie me up.
i enjoy having sex with aiden but as soon as i frame it as hooking up i find myself a little disturbed. i know it’s more than hooking up because it involves friendship and affection. he still buys me dinner and pays for movies. yet somehow i’m uncomfortable admitting that without love it is just sex.
just sex. i always thought we would be more than that. reducing our relationship to a single activity disappoints me. there are some that would say it’s okay. certainly sleeping with aiden is safer than the behavior b engages in but am i really any better than her? he and i are both adults. we are responsible. i always thought we would be friends. somehow being friends with benefits slightly diminishes the quality of our friendship. it’s as if the focus is now directed on the sex and not on our relationship. i don’t think that’s true exactly but it is one possibility and i think a very real one.
the other possibility is that we do still have feelings for each other. it might explain why almost a year later we are still seeing each other.
if we do have feelings for each other then why are we doing this? i don’t even have any possible thoughts on what would happen if we do have feelings for each other. all i know is i still think about him. sometimes almost every day. today in my traumatic brain injury class i thought about what would happen if either one of us was in a serious accident. i wondered if i would be devastated. i wondered if he would come to my side.
i still wonder if we could have a future together. the answer used to be no. slowly i’m beginning to wonder if he could provide me with happiness and joy. i think that has something to do with my gradual change from wanting to find a wealthy husband for the purpose of financing a materialistic existence to wanting a more meaningful and enriched life that doesn’t revolve entirely around money. aiden makes me laugh like no one else i know.
saturday night he paid for my movie so that when i walked in the person behind the counter recognized me and said “aiden already paid for you he’s waiting inside.” he had sent me a text letting me know exactly where in the theatre he was holding our seats. i found him easily and gave him a kiss on the cheek. later in the movie he put his hand on my knee. it felt slightly strange. we hadn’t done this is many months. i wondered if he’d done this with other women.
after the movie we went to his family’s empty rental house to watch a movie on my laptop. i again wondered if he’d done this with other women and was afraid if he hadn’t he would suddenly realize what a good idea it was. we set up blankets and pillows and got comfortable on the floor. some of what he did when we paused the movie seemed almost new to me. like maybe it was a skill that had been developed or acquired since i’d last been with him. i know it isn’t true because he always knew exactly how to kiss my neck like that but something about it seemed like there were new variations.
we didn’t have sex instead we kissed and touched a little. it felt nice which was to be expected. we laughed together. oh how we laughed. it feels amazing to laugh with him. that’s what i keep going back to in my mind. i wonder if it would be better for us to be friends that just laughed together. maybe physical intimacy has been so important for so long that i fear we might lose our intimate connection if we stop having sex. when we laugh together it feels so incredibly intimate. i would have to say it’s right up there with sex. we’re usually alone and laughing in bed or in each other’s arms or sharing a pillow. the way we laugh is close and warm and deep and sincere. if we were just friends i don’t think it would be quite the same. i think instead there would be a little caution.
aiden and i get together about every other month. sometimes more often but we don’t always have sex. we usually sleep together when he visits me at my invitation. so i have to admit i’m usually the general overall initiator of our physical interactions.
my greatest concern lately is what our relationship means for other people. especially now that i might be seeing alex and i’m aware that aiden has an opportunity to get physical with another woman. i’ve been wondering if i can sleep with him after he has sex with another woman. the answer is starting to feel like no. i tentatively suggested he visit me the first weekend in march. we could spend a weekend together doing fun things. if he sleeps with her this weekend i don’t know if i’ll withdraw my invitation. i think i would want to know after the fact. i don’t think it’s fair for me to warn him that he might not get to sleep with me again if he has sex with her. i have no right to influence his private life like that. then again if he knew would he still sleep with her? would he engage in activities of a similar nature in hopes to placate me while still getting gratification and the feel of another woman? if it was just sex and nothing more would that be okay? somehow i don’t think it is. so perhaps that is the final threshold for our lingering intimate relationship.
i don’t want to sleep with just anyone. sure, i want to explore sex with different men but i don’t want it to be meaningless and i certainly don’t want to give it away. i value myself more than that and believe a man has to work to deserve it first. unfortunately sometimes i want it so badly i lose touch with that conviction. it hasn’t happened often but i know it has. i believe it is okay on occasion to let go because that in and of itself is a learning experience but it isn’t a way of achieving something more. it’s that something more that makes sex so special. without it you’re missing entire pieces of the puzzle.
which makes me wonder if i would sleep with alex. he’s 24 almost 25 without a college degree and as of now i can’t see myself having a future with him. and i know that if we keep seeing each other the issue of a sexual relationship will come up before i’ll have established whether or not we share something special enough to warrant a serious relationship. i think i’m okay with dating him and having sex with him without having a serious relationship. i’m just all too aware of how difficult that has the potential to become. emotions will get involved feelings might get hurt and it will get messy. the trouble with alex is i’m envisioning the end before our second date. i think in my mind the end influences where we go from here and whether sexual intimacy is a part of our future.
i’ve told aiden i’d like to discuss my thoughts. he was always really good at helping me sort out my feelings and reason through them. i always felt better after talking to him. i’m beginning to think aiden and i could have a future together. not now of course but later in life. he has so many qualities that i value although i suspect it isn’t him any longer that i’m desiring. i think what i really want is the comfort and the security. i want the laughter and the joy. i want the affection and the friendship. i think i want what aiden represents and i’ve realized what we shared was developed after being together for many years.
in a way that dismays me. i haven’t met anyone that makes me feel the way he did and sometimes still does. there was the intense infatuation with nick but that’s gone. besides, that experience totally lacked the special qualities of my relationship with aiden and instead exchanged them for passion and attraction. at the time the passion and attraction made me forget what had been special with aiden. but now i know what aiden and i shared was real and i wonder if i will ever find that again in my life and if i do how long it will take to fully develop it.
i suppose i take comfort knowing if i find that person the time it takes to develop our relationship will be an exciting journey and not a phase to be finished.
so where do we go from here? this weekend is valentine’s day. i have a date with alex and i know aiden has plans to carouse downtown with his friends and i assume it will include the pretty brunette he petted and played with in september. she’s from out of state but is visiting this weekend. i know this from stalking his facebook wall. it seems almost as if they’ve talked over the months although there is no public proof. she mentioned him having pancakes for her so i can’t help but think she’s planning on an overnight adventure. if he visits me in march i’ve already decided i’ll log onto his laptop when he’s sleeping and get all the dirt i possibly can. i’m looking forward to it. i know it will freak me out at first but i believe i’ll be glad to know the truth. perhaps i’ll copy and paste and read it later so it doesn’t ruin our weekend. then again if he does visit maybe we’ll officially claim it as our last time. i’m beginning to think it might be good for us.
aiden and i have always made decisions together and logically. we discuss things. we reason them. we establish pros and cons and possible outcomes. this was one of the reasons i loved being with him and felt safe and secure. he never shocked me or really surprised me. i think i complained about it at the time. i always appreciated our several conversations regarding the consequences of us having sex and any risks we were taking. i’ve been on the pill since the very beginning (in fact i’ve been on birth control since i was sixteen) but for the first year and a half of our sex life we used condoms exclusively.
i expect if i calmly bring this up to aiden we’ll talk about it. maybe come to a few conclusions. i think i might be disappointed if our conclusion is perpetuating the status quo. it’s hard for me to say i never want to have sex with him again but maybe we need to make a mature decision and stick with it. i’ll probably feel a little bad when he agrees with me because i like the idea of him wanting me forever and ever. i wonder if he’ll tell me he wants to give us another try sometime in the future. i wonder if i’ll tell him that. i think he has matured even though he hasn’t really changed. i’m not sure how that’s possible. two people at his company were fired yesterday. they had worked there for almost two decades. aiden was given their responsibilities. he is praised for being efficient and innovative. it gives me hope that he may not do the same thing forever. if he moves out of his parent’s house i wonder if that will change things. i wonder if i’ll be dating alex then.
i’m hoping i’ll talk to aiden tomorrow night. not sure what i’ll tell him. all i know is it has to wait until after my test tomorrow night. i’d like to get it over with before the weekend so i can process everything before my three tests next week. i hope something in this post made sense. it kind of felt good to write.
i’m not sinking or flying just floating February 5, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, the boy, the men.2 comments
i’ve thought about writing about my evening with alex. who is alex? good question. he came out of left field. my colleague from oregon wanted us to meet. we planned to get together some weekend. so we did. he’s cute. he’s funny. i like him.
i guess we have a date on valentine’s day.
we’ve talked via internet almost every day for a week.
i’m seeing aiden this saturday back in our hometown. i want to do friend things like watch a movie. then play with him until he wants me more badly than he’s ever wanted me before. it’s a little mean i know. but his girl friend from out of state is visiting next weekend and i want aiden to remember me. i keep wondering if they’re going to have sex. for one instant i wanted to ask aiden if he was planning on sleeping with her but i don’t want to know.
i still want to see him. i hate the thought of him enjoying another woman. i wonder what it would be like if he loved another woman.
i keep thinking about aiden with her. when he is with her i will be with alex.
i think i would like to kiss alex. i think i would like to sleep with alex. i want to be friends with alex first. he’s slightly older than me i think. he’s studying computer engineering. he’s a bit of a geek. you know that means i’m into him.
lots of things on my mind kind of flowing around. i invited nick over for dinner tonight with his best friend and his brother. the two guys were coming over anyway so i thought i’d extend the invitation to nick. we all doubt that he’s going to come.
