Perfectly Flawed

funny my last post was about casual sex.  i’ll get to that part in a minute.

i threw an awesome party on friday night.  seventeen of my favorite people came over for a very casual get together.  the guys played golf on the wii, the girls chatted in my bedroom, a few couples congregated around the snacks in the kitchen, and everyone had a drink in their hand.  nick was there.

nick was actually the first to arrive.  one of the last to leave.  we had a really great time together and the secret smiles and private conversations made me very happy.  he sought me out when i was in another room and somehow we often ended up sitting next to each other.  something very strange though.  when mill arrived to the party he said, “mill!”  i was momentarily surprised because he didn’t say her real name he said the name i use on this blog.  i don’t think he reads this although there is a real possibility that he found the bookmark in my browser especially since i remember him looking at my links.  i think the much more reasonable answer is that he randomly came up with the name mill.  it is after all a simple combination of letters from her real name.

the party lasted all night long.  some groups played buzzword and some played jenga.  a lot of card games were played.  by three in the morning it was down to six people.  me, nick, mike, dan, wren, and wren’s boyfriend.  i loved when nick got up to eat some chips and i had him bring them back to the table for us to snack on and i got out three of my 100 calorie packs of guacamole to share.  eventually someone suggested we leave and go somewhere so we decided to go out to eat at a late night diner.  i didn’t realize at the time that six of us were going to be riding in nick’s vehicle which only has four seats.  so because nick was driving i ended up sitting in mike’s lap.  maybe it’s important to mention that at this point in time i am smashed.  definitely impaired judgement and very poor coordination.  

i forgot my wallet on this little adventure to the restaurant.  i remember nick protesting slightly when everyone just sat down and he didn’t end up next to me.  i ordered what nick and wren ordered.  when the waiter asked me how i wanted my eggs i remember asking, “i have to make decisions?”  i got my eggs sunny side up and a raspberry muffin.  at some point while we were eating i remembered i didn’t have my wallet.  i asked wren to pay for it and told her i would pay her back but she declined.  mike was next to me so i put my hand on his leg and asked him for a favor asked if he could pay for me.  he was very sweet about it and said yeah sure it was fine no problem.

around this time a crazy man started shouting and our table pretended not to notice.  the police were called.  it was all very dramatic i’m sure.

on the ride back to my house i put my arm around mike’s neck.  he put his hand on my leg.  i do not remember this but apparently i whispered to wren, “mike is rubbing my thigh.”  i’m sincerely hoping i really did whisper that and no one else heard.  although i’m quite certain the guys we were sitting on at the time probably did hear.

our party arrived back at my house and nick said he was going to go home.  everyone else walked down the path to go inside and i stayed behind to say goodbye.  i don’t remember if i waited for everyone to go inside i can only assume i did.  i do remember not kissing him right away and in fact standing a few feet away as is appropriate.  a few moments later i think i wrapped my arms around his neck and we kissed.  if my memory is right it was one of those beautiful kisses when you both move for each other at the same time then your lips collide in a lovely “i really want to be kissing you” way.  at least that’s how i perceived it.  i was very drunk so i hope it wasn’t terribly sloppy.  although in all reality it probably very was.  i kissed his neck and i nibbled his ear and i said, “come inside.”  i really wanted him in my bed.  he told me he couldn’t and pointed out that i had guests.  which was true.  i wish i’d paid a lot more attention to that fact.  i’m pretty sure i asked him to come inside half a dozen times as i rubbed my hands over his chest and back and kissed his neck and lips and ear.  i asked him to come inside and he said that if he came inside he would want to do things to me and he couldn’t do that.  i asked why.  he said because i had told him to take things slow.  i told him that wasn’t true even though i did say that in not so many words the last time we kissed and i started to get that crazy tingling feeling.  i’d spent the week imagining him in his boxers and me in my panties so i really did want him to come inside.  not to have sex but to make out and feel his warm body against my skin.  he told me our friends were looking through the blinds.  i wish i’d paid attention to that too.  i don’t think i did whatsoever.  strange thing is i don’t think he did anything about it either.  in a way i’m glad he didn’t but i had really hoped for a discrete relationship for the foreseeable future.  especially because of being in the wedding party together.  i probably made out with him for five minutes.

while our friends waited inside for me.  while mike waited inside for me.  while dan peeked through the windows and i assume saw us kissing.  dan is the one who saw mike with his arm around me last weekend.  dan looked through the blinds and saw me with nick then said “good for nick!”  then looked at mike and said “bad for you.”  that’s what wren reported anyway.  apparently mike was waiting for me to come back inside.  as in everyone was getting ready to leave and mike stayed inside to wait to say goodnight to me.  after he’d bought my breakfast and i’d wrapped my arms around his neck.  instead i was making out with nick ignoring the fact that there were still guests inside my home.  dan will undoubtedly tell people what he saw.  hopefully he won’t tell them how he had thought i was going to get together with mike instead.  i suppose i’ll know when the girls start quietly asking me questions.  we are a group of couples after all.  nick, mike, and i were the three singles.  i can’t say i’m surprised it’s worked out this way.

i feel really bad about making out with nick as everyone waited and possibly watched.  i sincerely regret my behavior and wish i had done something a little different.  maybe told nick to wait five minutes until i had said goodnight and everyone had left?  then he could have come inside.  except then maybe then he would have fucked me and i would have loved it and then this “taking things slow” business will have gone to hell.  i remember last summer when i called it a slow burn.  i remember last summer when i was anxious, paranoid, and impulsive.  i remember loving the way his cock felt.  i now understand how impulsive that was.  that was just two days after we had first kissed.  i realize now how fast that was and how much of a warning that should have been to me and probably was to him.  i remember justifying it because he had reached for my jeans first but i don’t think that’s reasonable.  it’s now been three weeks since the night when i went to give him a quick kiss goodnight and we ended up making out for hours.  we talk pretty regularly and have seen each other about once a week.  the most that’s happened is my shirt and bra have come off and even then all he did was touch my back and hips.  interestingly enough he did reach for my jeans that first night but easily accepted when i gently pushed his hand aside.  i think things between us are going really well.  i have to say i like that things are going slow and i like that we don’t always see each other.  i like that we have a secret relationship and share private smiles when we’re with the group of friends.

but i still wanted to have causal sex didn’t i?  mill’s friend from out of state had tried to sleep with me the last time he was in town a few months ago.  i shot him down quite definitely and shied away from his touch the entire night.  when he asked if he could come upstairs i told him no but also mentioned that i would like to see him again.  he is VERY attractive and funny and friendly.

he came back to town for the weekend.  i thought i was going to see him thursday night.  i bought condoms.  cleaned my bedroom.  actually shaved my legs.  turned out his flight had been delayed.  of course i was preoccupied friday night with my friends, my party, and my men.  so he came over late saturday night.  we chatted over a beer in my living room for about 15 maybe 20 minutes.  i invited him upstairs.  then when we got into my bedroom i kissed him.  i have never in my life kissed anyone who is shorter than me.  he was probably an inch maybe two shorter.  awkward.  i love having to stand on my toes to kiss nick.  i pushed this short man onto my bed and got on top of him.  the foreplay was then on and he hadn’t been here for more than half an hour.  it was very obvious what this was about.  he gave great oral sex.  he asked if i was clean, if i had been tested, if i was on the pill.  sex the first time felt pretty good actually.  nothing special and didn’t blow my mind or even give me an orgasm if we’re being honest but the oral sex had been satisfying and it felt good to have a man inside of me.  he kissed me a lot.  i wanted to laugh when he tried to kiss my ear while he was fucking me but couldn’t quite reach.  i didn’t though.  i’ll laugh about it when i tell mill later.  he and i talked in bed for a long time afterwards.  eventually when i was bored with talking i started kissing him again.  we did it again.  he asked “i wonder how tall this bed is?” at which point i got into position.  he said, “ah you’ve done this before i see.”  he pulled me to the very edge of the bed, put my legs up, and fucked me hard.  it hurt a little which was strange for two reasons.  first of all he wasn’t big enough to hurt me (which btw has me a little nervous of nick) and second of all i usually like a little pain.  i guess i’ve realized the pain only works in specific situations with certain individuals.  eventually we got back on the bed and he asked if i wanted to be on top and by now i was getting bored and said no.  he fucked me insanely fast and i’m pretty sure i rolled my eyes at him when he wasn’t looking.  finally it was over.  after a little while i pretended to fall asleep to see what he would do to see if he would leave.  he didn’t.  so i threw his underwear at him.  then the rest of his clothes.  i got dressed and brushed my hair and said “i’ll take you back to your hotel now.”  i forgot to mention the part in between rounds when he mentioned he had been dropped off by a mutual friend.  we didn’t kiss goodbye.  then again i suppose i hadn’t exactly been all that sweet to him after the sex.  i didn’t cuddle him.  i didn’t want to be cuddled.  i kept my distance in my king size bed.  if and when i sleep with nick i plan on cuddling.

so it was in essence a good experience.  confirms that one night stands are not very satisfying and sex that involves meaningful intimacy is way better.  it did show me that i am capable of casual sex and that if chosen carefully and done safely it isn’t something to be scared of so to speak.  i don’t think i’ll be doing it again any time soon.  although i am still interested in my classmate’s friend.

the funny thing about sleeping with this man?  it made me look forward to sleeping with nick more than ever.  i imagine it will be incredibly sexy and he will be the right mix of sweet and gentle and aggressive and rough.  i imagine communicating my needs and him responding very well to my direction.  i imagine him moaning as he orgasms and i suspect that will send me over the edge as well.  i imagine being out of breath, sweaty, speechless, and utterly content in his arms.  possibly ridiculously excited that i just slept with nick but who knows.  i do know that i won’t throw his clothes at him.