identifying but not understanding April 28, 2009
Posted by skcity in life, the boy, the man.add a comment
in my purse i have a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and a bottle of ritalin.
i’ve discovered i love andrew bird and sia. i have a wonderful playlist that includes jay brannan and all of my new favorite music. i like using frostwire. i can’t help but wonder if aiden has discovered this open source program yet. he’s been on my mind a disturbing amount lately. i then get angry that he hasn’t contacted me in the last two months. of course i calm down when i remind myself of everything i have going for me. of course when i think of those things i’m omitting all the more negative aspects of my life at the moment. i still think i have a lot going for me though. rather dichotomous but oh well.
one thing that has been troubling me is my surge in mia. i think i can understand that stress can cause a relapse but when i did it three or four times in a single day i realized things were getting really rough for me. especially when i’d done it the day before and the day before that. once i became aware of what was happening i was able to try and break the pattern. only happened once yesterday and not a single time today.
i feel like i’m doing okay yet all the evidence would point to the contrary. how is that possible? how can my body and my behaviors tell me that something is wrong and yet my mind believes things are under control? i wonder if that means that in a few days my mind will have an epiphany and then i’ll pound my head against the wall as i fight a panic attack. i wonder if things get really bad if i would call aiden for support. i wonder if nick will rush to kiss me when we “reunite” after finals are over. i wonder if everything is really going to be okay?
confession April 24, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, life, the man, the sex.add a comment
in theory my life might be a little out of control. there is of course the drinking. usually social with my amazing friends. we aren’t in garages playing beer pong but we do like our martinis, our seven and sevens, and our glasses of wine. i do drink beer occasionally by myself but very rarely do i get drunk by myself.
i bought my first pipe this spring and i’ve smoked more in 2009 than i have ever before in my life.
my psychologist told me i do in fact exhibit many symptoms of attention deficit disorder. yukon gave me adderall. next week i discuss the right medication for me with my doctor. i understand it’s popular in academic circles. i just want to stop struggling so much.
i’ve possibly found my next casual sex partner. he’s a man i’ve fooled around with half a dozen times before and clothes have even been removed before. we were young then and still in high school. i even met with him once while i was dating aiden. i felt no shame or guilt and while i wasn’t surprised i was also very curious about why it didn’t bother me that i technically cheated on my boyfriend. there was a night when i had a party and i kissed this random friend while aiden waited for me upstairs. strangely enough he’s yukon’s brother. apparently when he found out i’d broken up with aiden he told yukon “damn i’ve wanted to fuck kate forever.” he isn’t even close to being someone i would date but obviously due to our past definitely someone i’d hook up with. he’s generally discrete which is much appreciated. also lives in another city so that’s something i like and might take advantage of the next time i go home.
it’s been three weeks since i last kissed nick. we’re still talking almost every day but are too busy to actually meet. i keep fantasizing about when we are finally alone together again. i’m eager to sleep with him but also don’t think i’m quite ready. we need a little more time to develop intimacy and a relationship first. i almost feel as though this month doesn’t even count and may in fact have been a set back considering the pressure we’re both under at the moment.
i’m procrastinating when i have no right to be procrastinating. it’s a sickness i swear.
the past seven days i’ve bought a new lighter and pulled out my pack of cigarettes. i can’t stand to smoke an entire cigarette at one time but i enjoy the brief nicotine rush and the moment when i am ignoring that it is wrong and everything else that is wrong. it is absolutely horrible.
i met mike yesterday at a softball game. it was just the two of us. i wanted to kiss him. i knew i couldn’t. i wondered if he really liked me as much as dan told me he did. i think i only like him when i know i can’t have him. i definitely can’t have him now.
tonight yukon and i went to this american life live. i wanted nick to come but i knew he couldn’t. i’ve been thinking of aiden lately. i think he is truly over me in every possible way. i’m a little sad of that. i think it’s best for us though. obviously i meant it when i broke up with him.
i’m not proud of any of the things i just reported here. except for the waiting to have sex with nick business. i think that’s for the best. i’m a little delighted by the new pipe and occasionally getting high but i’m aware of the dangers associated with that activity.
i think my life always spins a little out of control. eventually i try to pull things back into balance but it doesn’t always work.
what did you find? April 15, 2009
Posted by skcity in uncategorized.add a comment
most of the random search terms that find my blog are sex related. not surprising. i was a little shocked to realize that other searches would find me too.
“i’m useless and a failure”
i didn’t realize how much of my writing was devoted to my depression, anxiety, and apathy.
a little fantasizing never hurt anyone April 15, 2009
Posted by skcity in life, the man, the program, the sex.add a comment
i survived my allergy attack and didn’t even need steroids. i’m quite pleased considering previously when my allergies congested my lungs i was in such bad shape that i needed prednisone. nobody likes prednisone.
life is uneventful. i’m struggling with apathy. i need to see a psychologist or possibly a psychiatrist. i really want to discuss the possibility of having adult add. it’s been on my to do list forever and yet i never get around to it. i think it’s highly probable that i have adult add.
i check facebook compulsively. mostly hoping nick has written me. things are kind of boring. we chat. i saw him a week ago with our friends but we slightly ignored each other. i feel it’s because the last time we were together with our friends some of them saw us making out. i personally don’t want rumors. i wonder why he doesn’t want people to know. i’m curious.
i want a relationship with nick and yet i don’t. i want the kind of relationship we have now except with more frequency and maybe a tiny bit more affection. i don’t want a public relationship. i don’t want a serious relationship. i don’t want commitment. i tell myself it’s because of grad school and i think that’s true.
i do want him though. i think of us spending time together this summer. watching dvds. going for moonlit bike rides on my favorite country trail. cooking for him. spending lazy saturday afternoons together in bed. i want something real with him. i think this summer i might be okay with dating nick. i wouldn’t really want to announce it to our friends and i would never make it facebook official.
i wonder if we’ll dance together at cage’s wedding. i assume we will. i’ll be very sad if we don’t. i wonder if we’ll each bring dates to the wedding. i can kind of imagine that happening and it being uncomfortable. knowing i’ve seen nick naked and he’s touched my body and we kiss whenever we’re alone and yet we’re still so secretive that we don’t acknowledge it whatsoever at cage’s wedding? that would not be a pleasant scenario. i’m okay with maybe a few whispers about us at the wedding where i will be a bridesmaid in a unique and gorgeous black dress and he will be a groomsmen. we’ll be in pictures together. i’d like it if we were paired together. i’m sure by the end of the night we’ll be tipsy and i hope we go to bed together. not for the first time of course.
i’m looking forward to the star trek premier. i’d really like for that to be an official date. he suggested we go together and i’ll wait until it’s closer but if he doesn’t suggest it i’m going to suggest dinner first. then maybe suggest a drink afterwards. possibly at my house maybe at his.
i keep thinking back to the night when i got on my knees. i really enjoy pleasing a man and take pride in my ability. i think back to what happened afterwards and i draw a bit of a blank. that concerns me. i remember him kissing me on both cheeks. i remember forcing him to kiss me on my lips. i remember getting back on the bed. but then what? i know we talked. did we talk as if nothing happened? it was dark but he was naked. i’m pretty sure i told him what time it was and reminded him he had to study. i don’t remember much else of what we talked about. i don’t think we cuddled. did we even touch? i think we did. maybe we did cuddle but i’m not sure. i would have taken note if we had not been touching because it would have reminded me of when my out of casual friend was in my bed. i do remember being the first to get out of bed and put on my jeans. did i do it suddenly? did i say something before i did it? why did i? was i uncomfortable just lying there with him or did i really think he should leave and study?
we got dressed and downstairs we talked briefly about my grad program.
we went out the garage door. kissed. i remember kissing. deeply. lingering. then one last quick kiss goodbye.
it was good. it was sweet. our time together feels meaningful and based on friendship. it doesn’t feel hollow and superficial.
i usually remember so many details. the fact that so many are missing with him confuses me. i almost think i might be so in the moment that my brain isn’t recording what’s happening. i do vividly remember before i went down on him feeling him so close to me that one slight thrust and he would have been inside of me. there were moments when he was so close that he could have been in me if he hadn’t had the self control. i remember feeling slightly delirious and hyper aware of our bodies touching. it’s amazing i didn’t raise my hips and push against him but i think i knew i didn’t want that to be the way we first had sex together. i want him to slowly push inside of me after we’ve mutually established we’re going to sleep together.
i’m definitely fantasizing.
nick came to visit me at my office this morning but i slept in a little and wasn’t there. he’s stopped by four times in the last month and a half.
i like him and want him and still want to keep this secret. i’ve only told my a few of my closest friends that happen to be his friends as well. some of the grad student girls know but their knowledge of the matter is inconsequential. it’s the “group” that i don’t want to know. at least not yet.
so if he doesn’t want to tell them either is it still possible for him to really like me and really want me? if i can feel that way then he should be able to too. yet somehow i keep wondering if he’s ashamed of me. i think he obviously likes me or he wouldn’t stop by my office or come over when he really should be studying or kiss me sweetly or write to me every single day. his friends are my friends so there’s no fear of them not liking me.
i think part of the fear is what happens if this doesn’t work out. i think that might be the real issue. if it doesn’t work out and no one knows then nothing changes.
except i’ve secretly thought of us having a future.
i’ve also thought of his income if he goes into corporate law which makes me absolutely evil.
except i plan on making my own money. i don’t want children. i want to invest the money and become a millionaire with my dream homes.
i don’t want to clean my house, i don’t want to talk to the faculty, i don’t want to call the psychiatrist, i don’t want to do my tables of evidence for class, i don’t want to face the fact that i’m utterly unprepared for finals, i don’t want to write my end of semester reports, i don’t want to register for fall classes, i don’t want to accept this horrible change in my graduate program that i’m chosing not to discuss.
i want to eat fruit loops and keep losing weight. i want my white teeth and my golden tan. i want my pottery class. i want my bike rides. i want my belly dancing class. i want my weight lifting. i want my art. i want my reading. i want my money.
this is my life. i’m keeping quite the record aren’t i?
