Perfectly Flawed

in theory my life might be a little out of control.  there is of course the drinking.  usually social with my amazing friends.  we aren’t in garages playing beer pong but we do like our martinis, our seven and sevens, and our glasses of wine.  i do drink beer occasionally by myself but very rarely do i get drunk by myself.

i bought my first pipe this spring and i’ve smoked more in 2009 than i have ever before in my life.

my psychologist told me i do in fact exhibit many symptoms of attention deficit disorder.  yukon gave me adderall.  next week i discuss the right medication for me with my doctor.  i understand it’s popular in academic circles.  i just want to stop struggling so much.

i’ve possibly found my next casual sex partner.  he’s a man i’ve fooled around with half a dozen times before and clothes have even been removed before.  we were young then and still in high school.  i even met with him once while i was dating aiden.  i felt no shame or guilt and while i wasn’t surprised i was also very curious about why it didn’t bother me that i technically cheated on my boyfriend.  there was a night when i had a party and i kissed this random friend while aiden waited for me upstairs.  strangely enough he’s yukon’s brother.  apparently when he found out i’d broken up with aiden he told yukon “damn i’ve wanted to fuck kate forever.”  he isn’t even close to being someone i would date but obviously due to our past definitely someone i’d hook up with.  he’s generally discrete which is much appreciated.  also lives in another city so that’s something i like and might take advantage of the next time i go home.

it’s been three weeks since i last kissed nick.  we’re still talking almost every day but are too busy to actually meet.  i keep fantasizing about when we are finally alone together again.  i’m eager to sleep with him but also don’t think i’m quite ready.  we need a little more time to develop intimacy and a relationship first.  i almost feel as though this month doesn’t even count and may in fact have been a set back considering the pressure we’re both under at the moment.

i’m procrastinating when i have no right to be procrastinating.  it’s a sickness i swear.

the past seven days i’ve bought a new lighter and pulled out my pack of cigarettes.  i can’t stand to smoke an entire cigarette at one time but i enjoy the brief nicotine rush and the moment when i am ignoring that it is wrong and everything else that is wrong.  it is absolutely horrible.

i met mike yesterday at a softball game.  it was just the two of us.  i wanted to kiss him.  i knew i couldn’t.  i wondered if he really liked me as much as dan told me he did.  i think i only like him when i know i can’t have him.  i definitely can’t have him now.

tonight yukon and i went to this american life live.  i wanted nick to come but i knew he couldn’t.  i’ve been thinking of aiden lately.  i think he is truly over me in every possible way.  i’m a little sad of that.  i think it’s best for us though.  obviously i meant it when i broke up with him.

i’m not proud of any of the things i just reported here.  except for the waiting to have sex with nick business.  i think that’s for the best.  i’m a little delighted by the new pipe and occasionally getting high but i’m aware of the dangers associated with that activity.

i think my life always spins a little out of control.  eventually i try to pull things back into balance but it doesn’t always work.