Perfectly Flawed

in my purse i have a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and a bottle of ritalin.

i’ve discovered i love andrew bird and sia.  i have a wonderful playlist that includes jay brannan and all of my new favorite music.  i like using frostwire.  i can’t help but wonder if aiden has discovered this open source program yet.  he’s been on my mind a disturbing amount lately.  i then get angry that he hasn’t contacted me in the last two months.  of course i calm down when i remind myself of everything i have going for me.  of course when i think of those things i’m omitting all the more negative aspects of my life at the moment.  i still think i have a lot going for me though.  rather dichotomous but oh well.

one thing that has been troubling me is my surge in mia.  i think i can understand that stress can cause a relapse but when i did it three or four times in a single day i realized things were getting really rough for me.  especially when i’d done it the day before and the day before that.  once i became aware of what was happening i was able to try and break the pattern.  only happened once yesterday and not a single time today.

i feel like i’m doing okay yet all the evidence would point to the contrary.  how is that possible?  how can my body and my behaviors tell me that something is wrong and yet my mind believes things are under control?  i wonder if that means that in a few days my mind will have an epiphany and then i’ll pound my head against the wall as i fight a panic attack.  i wonder if things get really bad if i would call aiden for support.  i wonder if nick will rush to kiss me when we “reunite” after finals are over.  i wonder if everything is really going to be okay?