Perfectly Flawed

i can’t wait for b to move out.

i would so spread my legs right now.

i’m intoxicated.  massively annoyed with b.

i got like $15 worth of free food at the drive through on the way home.  awesome.

so desperately do i want to tell aiden that i want to fuck him.  i’ve been thinking of fucking him all night.  i’ve been so horny.  so lonely.  so in need of a pleasant hard cock with some friendly affection.

ironically spent the evening with my friends and nick.  thought about how i was almost naked with nick.  he gave me an anime dvd.  oh we are such geeks.

i want sex.

i want to write.  i need to explain.  taking action is difficult.  spending money isn’t.

i could talk about b.  i could talk about my friends.  i could talk about my future.  i could talk about my plans and what i decided to do today.  i could talk about my diet and about how i’ve been back on the healthy track (meaning no mia).  i could talk about nick.  i could talk about mill.  i could talk about my new interests.

there is a lot to talk about.  the main thing on my mind is that i need to get laid.  it’s been two months since i last had sex but that isn’t so bad.  more importantly it’s been four months since i’ve had good sex.  i sure hope aiden and nick are lonely because if those two guys are getting laid while i’m stuck with the internet i’ll be one unhappy girl.  i would totally take them both on at once … they would hate it but that would be a dream come true.

most every girl in my life is annoying me right now.  super ridiculous and i’m getting to the point where i’m just shutting them all out.  except for the ones i’m grilling for because i like them.  b has amped up the drama ever since she started officially dating a boy for the first time in her entire life.  she’s 23 and slept with 30 random men with no real interest in her and she finally got herself a real man.  i’m not exceptionally impressed but he seems nice enough.  she knew he was leaving the country for a year and thought it would be the end of july or something but he got the call to work in africa and he’s leaving thursday.  she came downstairs and looked like hell.  i knew through the magic of facebook what had happened.  she looked like hell but whatever.  she said she left work early and her voice sounded kind of dead.  alright.  i asked if she was okay.  she said no and walked past me.  i asked what was wrong and she went and looked in a mirror and rubbed her eyes so that when she turned around her eyes were a little red.  she then of course told me the “news” and walked out of the room.  as she got halfway up the stairs i heard a sob and rolled my eyes.  i’m not going to lie it looked like she was trying really hard to make herself cry for dramatic appearances.  walking out of the room and crying within ear shot?  what?  am i supposed to follow her?  i demonstrated my concern by asking what was wrong she demonstrated her need to be left alone when she walked out of the room so i’ll be damned if she expected me to chase after her to make sure she’s okay.  seriously.  she’s been buying marine clothing items online then saying that her boyfriend gave them to her.  it’s so annoying.  i remember when i was a child i would run off dramatically in hopes someone would follow me and give me attention.  when you’re 23 and you still do that it is beyond lame.  mixing childish attention seeking behaviors with sexual promiscuity is a disaster and one i’ve only tolerated because she’s so predictable.

i’m going to see nick tonight at a surprise birthday party for one of our mutual friends.  the drama squad will be there as well so i’m not really looking forward to that.  i kind of want to tell everybody to shut up and keep their mouths closed regarding any sensitive subjects.  i don’t think they’re capable of it really.  i almost think the girls will ruin it more for me than nick will.  i think i’m looking good.  i anticipate him being a huge disappointment.  amazing that i still don’t really feel like divulging what went on between us.  i’ve been bizarrely resolute in my decision to stop playing that game with him.  i am never resolute.

it started when i saw nick studying with his ex at the law college.  that annoyed me and upset me slightly but i lay no claim on nick and he has no claim on me so really it’s not a big deal if he’s with someone else.  disappointing yes heart breaking no.  what really pissed me off was when b drove me downtown to meet up with my circle of friends.  of course nick was there and a small part of me hoped that this would be an opportunity for him to wrap an arm around my waist and we could finally be slightly more serious and less secretive now that the semester was over.

no.  what happened was after talking with me briefly nick then went to b.  okay fine so they were going to talk law school briefly i could handle that.  however i soon became extremely pissed when he proceeded to exclusively hit on her for the entire hour she was there.  b was in disgusting gym clothes and looked like hell.  yet apparently she was still more sexy than me.  i wasn’t the only one who noticed this.  it wasn’t just in my mind and i was even more angry when one of my friends commented “nick is really macking on b over there.”  once b left (because these were my friends not hers and she was only there for the purpose of dropping me off)  nick disappeared to talk to a friend of his.  i didn’t see him again until it was time to leave.  i gave him a deep and hard look and he nodded at me and that was the final straw.  i was so disgusted.  that was how he said goodbye to me.  he has been naked in my bed and his cock has been in my mouth and he choses to acknowledge me with a head nod.  if you saw the new star trek there is a scene when kirk nods to uhura before kirk and spock are beamed off ship and uhura kisses spock and then kirk awkwardly nods at her as they prepare to leave.  that was almost exactly how nick nodded at me.  if you draw comparisons kirk and uhura have nothing going on.  apparently i have nothing going on with nick.

over the following week nick sent me a few messages and invited me out for happy hour.  i didn’t respond to the mundane messages about our common interests and i didn’t go out for drinks.  i haven’t gotten any messages from him since saturday.  as i mentioned already tonight we will be at the same party.  i want to look perfect.  i want to look fun and casual and also sexy and cute.  i haven’t decided how best to pull this off i’d better figure it out soon.  my skin looks sun kissed my teeth are white my body while not perfect is acceptable at this point in time.  i think i’ll look good tonight.  i’m prepared for him hitting on other girls.  i’ve thought about bringing someone but our circle of friends is so tight that it isn’t really worth bringing a random guy in.  i might leave after the birthday boy arrives and go to another party.  i haven’t really decided.

i want some scar revision plastic surgery.  i want to get five moles cut off.  i want to look stunning for cage’s wedding.  i want nick to look at me and want me.

wren told me i shouldn’t completely count nick out of the game but that i should make the buy back in a lot more expensive.  he would have to prove himself first.  i haven’t decided if that’s even appropriate.  his behavior was disgusting and i was incredibly disappointed in him.  i feel as though he has not demonstrated enough interest in me to be worthy of my attention despite my consistent and calm indications of my interest.  i was almost perfect this time around.  i didn’t do anything wrong.  i usually put it all on myself but i was pleased with the way things went.  we took things slow.  advanced slowly but surely.  had some intimate moments but didn’t have sex.  we vigilantly maintained the friendship and had begun to add a little more affection.  i gave him space.  i made no demands.  i was busy and anything serious or complicated was off the table because of my grad program.  i had hoped maybe this summer would allow things to get more interesting.  i made it clear i liked him and enjoyed his company but also demonstrated that i was independent and not interested in a smothering relationship.  so this b incident was a slap in the face.

i didn’t need him or a relationship so if it was some random woman i would be disappointed.  however i was completely insulted that he would basically go to the bedroom down the hall and mack on my roommate.  b is to be given some credit that she knows how i feel about him and did not flirt back.

so nick is in my bad graces and hasn’t been working hard enough to get himself out.  i dare him to confront me.  he can play ignorant all he likes.

my level of paranoia has surged.  i’m thinking it might be time for me to save everything on this site and break it down.  i’ll always blog but sometimes i feel there isn’t enough separation between clues in my blog and real life.

i’m sure there isn’t a problem.  i’m just genuinely paranoid.  i realized the other day that my mother helped instill paranoia in me by searching my room and removing notebooks and other written records of my private life.  when i was 17 i bought a fireproof lockbox and put all of my sensitive material in there.  calendars, notebooks, journals, and condoms.  i still lock up certain items when i know my family is visiting.

i think today is just a result of over thinking things.  there is kind of a lot on my mind and i think my thoughts have melted into confusion.

today has not really been a good day for me whatsoever.  i need to be really honest about this and it’s going to be painful.

i woke up at 7 am feeling incredibly hungover.  the events of last night are worthy of another post entirely.  i was with b getting free drinks from older men.  i was charming but the drunker i got the more superficial and flirty and insincere i became.  my behavior was embarrassing and reminds me of why it’s good that b and i have some distance in our social lives.  living together isn’t that bad (i haven’t bitched about her on this blog for a very long time) in fact it’s been a pretty good year but i know she somehow has the potential to bring out all the less desirable aspects of myself.

my personal cure for hangovers are starches particularly potatoes.  i made a box of instant roasted garlic mashed potatoes.  i ate half of them and drank several glasses of water.  i fell back asleep.  woke up at 10 and ate the rest of the mashed potatoes.

i was kind of hungry.  not really but a little yeah.  i began to crave arbys.  particularly just their regular roast beef sandwich.

i looked cute albeit hungover in long gray yoga pants a white sports bra and a black tank top.  i caved to the advertising and ordered an arbys roast burger.  bleu cheese to be specific.  i took a bite.  the bleu cheese was disgusting and not at all the bleu cheese i love.  i put the sandwich down because it was too big to eat while driving.  i drove to campus for no good reason.  drove around and looked at things.  eventually i turned back towards home and took off the bleu cheese covered bun and ate it like an open faced sandwich.  mmm roast beef.  so good.  the flavor coated my tongue and  i wanted more.

i knew i’d already consumed a ridiculous number of calories.  i kind of hated that.  i really wanted another taste though.  i was almost back home and i realized i couldn’t go through the same drive through again without looking like the bulimic going on a binge like i was.  so i drove across town to the second location to order a medium roast beef sandwich.  it was incredibly delicious.

already i was envisioning what i would do when i got home.  i used to kneel before the toilet but now i simply bend over.  i was envisioning what i would have to do.  what i would “have” to do despite the conscious voluntary decision to engage in a binge.

i figured the mashed potatoes were good for me but this was just excess.  so i couldn’t live with it.  i had to undo it.  if i was going to force myself to purge then i might as well make the binge worth it.  i stopped by another fast food place on the way home.  my stomach ached but it tasted good.

i spent almost $20 on fast food that i was going to throw up.

i went home.  tied my hair back and turned my music up loud as has become my ritual.  i realized i was about to throw up something i’d never thrown up before or at least not that i could remember.  i probably have.  it’s something of a regional specialty and something i crave and love and really like.  it is one of the few fast food items that i particularly relish.  i don’t binge on this item usually i enjoy it.  it’s a little expensive too so it’s not a practical choice if i’m not actually going to digest it.

i purged.  got into bed.  i would have liked to have slept but i didn’t.

at five i was really actually hungry.  i had a very pleasant empty feeling but i could feel the acid and hear my abdomen gurgling.  i decided that i would eat but i liked the empty feeling too much.  i didn’t want to feel full.  so i would have to purge this meal too.  i made a box of tuna helper.  i knew it would be creamy and liquid and the noodles would be soft.  i knew i could eat the entire box.  i’d done it before.  after the first bowl i felt uncomfortably full but i didn’t want left overs.  i filled my bowl again and kept eating.  i kept eating until it hurt.  until i contemplated stopping.  until my stomach was distended.  i ate until i couldn’t eat anymore and then i forced myself to finish the bowl.  once i had finished the entire box i was so miserable i immediately went upstairs.  the purge was powerful quick and intense.  i felt relieved.

later i went grocery shopping.  i needed groceries.  i had an impulse buy of potato salad.  i was not intending on throwing this up.  i planned on having only a little and saving the rest for later.  i had a few bites more than i intended but i didn’t binge.  i felt sick a while later.  i wanted to throw up but b had come home and i knew she would be able to hear me.  i began to feel really sick and really wanted to get the damned potato salad out of my system.  when i heard b get in the shower i made my move.  i didn’t throw up much but then again there wasn’t much to throw up.  i felt a little better.  i ate a big bowl of fresh strawberries to give my stomach something else to concentrate on.  i felt a little better still.  i never purge fruits or vegetables unless it’s in a cheese sauce for example.

it’s hours later and i still feel sick.  usually when my stomach feels this way i give it something to absorb the acid.  i’m convinced the potato salad was shady but i have to admit the cruel punishment i gave my stomach earlier is just as likely a candidate.  in fact most food poisoning takes hours to take effect.

i like to say i’ve never had food poisoning.  that might not be true i just have never had food poisoning that made me miserable.  i used to abuse laxatives and i voluntarily throw up so symptoms of food poisoning aren’t exactly unfamiliar to me or alarming.  i wonder if this is food poisoning though.  my insides make me feel nauseous which is in some ways really ironic and in others not so much.  you see throwing up isn’t really all that bad it’s the feeling before you throw up that sucks.  i don’t mind making myself vomit but i hate nausea.

so i’m lying here.  feeling sick.  contemplating eating something again to make myself feel better since vomiting for a third time today did not help.  i’ve been drinking lots of water.  i can’t imagine what i would eat right now other than chicken mcnuggets and fries and i’m worried about eating from a fourth fast food restaurant today.  everything else sounds like it would make me feel sicker.  i’m salivating thinking of chicken mcnuggets and fries.  i may talk myself into it yet.  i bet the greasy fries would make it worse though despite them being my cure of choice the all magical starches.

this is an embarrassing and humiliating post.  i realized the other day that i became actively bulimic in january 2005.  i’ve battled bulimia for four years now.  four years.  four years isn’t a long time but it is when you think of eating and making yourself throw it up.  when i moved to my city in august 2006 i resolved to be done with that unhealthy behavior.  i don’t remember when it began again but i know it was months.  i’ve gone months before without purging.  yet somehow something drives me back to it.  i’m not unhealthy if a little on heavy side of ideal.  i don’t think anyone would ever see the need to admit me to a clinic or stick me with an iv.  however i am aware that technically i have an eating disorder.  that normal people DON’T do this.  it becomes normalized after a while.  the ritual of it makes it seem almost routine just another aspect of nutrition.  how fucked up must i be in my head?  i wouldn’t even mention today’s events if it weren’t for my stomach ache and nausea forcing me to think about it.

i’m relieved no one reads my blog.  it truly is cathartic for me to say this and release it into the world where it may or may not be found.  this is not a cry for help.  it’s a personal reflection.

i’m sad that i can’t imagine the next time i might make love.

i will have to have sex sometime soon i just need to be really cognizant of the fact that having sex and making love are not the same thing.