Perfectly Flawed

i am confused and hurt.  i am scared and nervous.  i am serious and impatient.

i want to exile nick from my thoughts.  i keep thinking about what we shared.  i keep thinking about the hot little body his ex has and my excess of soft curves.  she’s short and kind of mongrel looking in not the sexy jessica alba way.  she seems strange.  i’ve run into her several times while i’ve been studying at the law college.  we make eye contact.  i don’t think she knows who i am.  i know who she is.  in january they went to a wedding together.  she was his date.

then i began to panic and wonder if he would bring  a date to cage’s wedding.  in which case my secret desire for us to fall into bed at the end of the night would be rather misguided and if it did happen quite unfortunate for his date.  would he bring her?  it’s a month away.  has he asked her?  should i find a date?

i’m scared and feel like crying because i know i can ace all of these finals but i don’t think i can ace five of them in three days.  it’s too much.  it scares me.  i’m terrified that my seven straight hours of studying today was for nothing.  that it was like sand through a sieve.

i know i am stressed and i know i can’t make emotional decisions right now.  if i can’t make emotionally educated decisions then how am i supposed to do on my exams?  i understand that they could be study partners or friends even but i still think about if he would compare her to me.

strange that he said hello to me but didn’t stop to talk.  it didn’t bother me until i saw them talking.

i’m a little worried i won’t come back to myself by next weekend.  i want to be a normal sane person and i want to go on a date with nick.