Perfectly Flawed

today has not really been a good day for me whatsoever.  i need to be really honest about this and it’s going to be painful.

i woke up at 7 am feeling incredibly hungover.  the events of last night are worthy of another post entirely.  i was with b getting free drinks from older men.  i was charming but the drunker i got the more superficial and flirty and insincere i became.  my behavior was embarrassing and reminds me of why it’s good that b and i have some distance in our social lives.  living together isn’t that bad (i haven’t bitched about her on this blog for a very long time) in fact it’s been a pretty good year but i know she somehow has the potential to bring out all the less desirable aspects of myself.

my personal cure for hangovers are starches particularly potatoes.  i made a box of instant roasted garlic mashed potatoes.  i ate half of them and drank several glasses of water.  i fell back asleep.  woke up at 10 and ate the rest of the mashed potatoes.

i was kind of hungry.  not really but a little yeah.  i began to crave arbys.  particularly just their regular roast beef sandwich.

i looked cute albeit hungover in long gray yoga pants a white sports bra and a black tank top.  i caved to the advertising and ordered an arbys roast burger.  bleu cheese to be specific.  i took a bite.  the bleu cheese was disgusting and not at all the bleu cheese i love.  i put the sandwich down because it was too big to eat while driving.  i drove to campus for no good reason.  drove around and looked at things.  eventually i turned back towards home and took off the bleu cheese covered bun and ate it like an open faced sandwich.  mmm roast beef.  so good.  the flavor coated my tongue and  i wanted more.

i knew i’d already consumed a ridiculous number of calories.  i kind of hated that.  i really wanted another taste though.  i was almost back home and i realized i couldn’t go through the same drive through again without looking like the bulimic going on a binge like i was.  so i drove across town to the second location to order a medium roast beef sandwich.  it was incredibly delicious.

already i was envisioning what i would do when i got home.  i used to kneel before the toilet but now i simply bend over.  i was envisioning what i would have to do.  what i would “have” to do despite the conscious voluntary decision to engage in a binge.

i figured the mashed potatoes were good for me but this was just excess.  so i couldn’t live with it.  i had to undo it.  if i was going to force myself to purge then i might as well make the binge worth it.  i stopped by another fast food place on the way home.  my stomach ached but it tasted good.

i spent almost $20 on fast food that i was going to throw up.

i went home.  tied my hair back and turned my music up loud as has become my ritual.  i realized i was about to throw up something i’d never thrown up before or at least not that i could remember.  i probably have.  it’s something of a regional specialty and something i crave and love and really like.  it is one of the few fast food items that i particularly relish.  i don’t binge on this item usually i enjoy it.  it’s a little expensive too so it’s not a practical choice if i’m not actually going to digest it.

i purged.  got into bed.  i would have liked to have slept but i didn’t.

at five i was really actually hungry.  i had a very pleasant empty feeling but i could feel the acid and hear my abdomen gurgling.  i decided that i would eat but i liked the empty feeling too much.  i didn’t want to feel full.  so i would have to purge this meal too.  i made a box of tuna helper.  i knew it would be creamy and liquid and the noodles would be soft.  i knew i could eat the entire box.  i’d done it before.  after the first bowl i felt uncomfortably full but i didn’t want left overs.  i filled my bowl again and kept eating.  i kept eating until it hurt.  until i contemplated stopping.  until my stomach was distended.  i ate until i couldn’t eat anymore and then i forced myself to finish the bowl.  once i had finished the entire box i was so miserable i immediately went upstairs.  the purge was powerful quick and intense.  i felt relieved.

later i went grocery shopping.  i needed groceries.  i had an impulse buy of potato salad.  i was not intending on throwing this up.  i planned on having only a little and saving the rest for later.  i had a few bites more than i intended but i didn’t binge.  i felt sick a while later.  i wanted to throw up but b had come home and i knew she would be able to hear me.  i began to feel really sick and really wanted to get the damned potato salad out of my system.  when i heard b get in the shower i made my move.  i didn’t throw up much but then again there wasn’t much to throw up.  i felt a little better.  i ate a big bowl of fresh strawberries to give my stomach something else to concentrate on.  i felt a little better still.  i never purge fruits or vegetables unless it’s in a cheese sauce for example.

it’s hours later and i still feel sick.  usually when my stomach feels this way i give it something to absorb the acid.  i’m convinced the potato salad was shady but i have to admit the cruel punishment i gave my stomach earlier is just as likely a candidate.  in fact most food poisoning takes hours to take effect.

i like to say i’ve never had food poisoning.  that might not be true i just have never had food poisoning that made me miserable.  i used to abuse laxatives and i voluntarily throw up so symptoms of food poisoning aren’t exactly unfamiliar to me or alarming.  i wonder if this is food poisoning though.  my insides make me feel nauseous which is in some ways really ironic and in others not so much.  you see throwing up isn’t really all that bad it’s the feeling before you throw up that sucks.  i don’t mind making myself vomit but i hate nausea.

so i’m lying here.  feeling sick.  contemplating eating something again to make myself feel better since vomiting for a third time today did not help.  i’ve been drinking lots of water.  i can’t imagine what i would eat right now other than chicken mcnuggets and fries and i’m worried about eating from a fourth fast food restaurant today.  everything else sounds like it would make me feel sicker.  i’m salivating thinking of chicken mcnuggets and fries.  i may talk myself into it yet.  i bet the greasy fries would make it worse though despite them being my cure of choice the all magical starches.

this is an embarrassing and humiliating post.  i realized the other day that i became actively bulimic in january 2005.  i’ve battled bulimia for four years now.  four years.  four years isn’t a long time but it is when you think of eating and making yourself throw it up.  when i moved to my city in august 2006 i resolved to be done with that unhealthy behavior.  i don’t remember when it began again but i know it was months.  i’ve gone months before without purging.  yet somehow something drives me back to it.  i’m not unhealthy if a little on heavy side of ideal.  i don’t think anyone would ever see the need to admit me to a clinic or stick me with an iv.  however i am aware that technically i have an eating disorder.  that normal people DON’T do this.  it becomes normalized after a while.  the ritual of it makes it seem almost routine just another aspect of nutrition.  how fucked up must i be in my head?  i wouldn’t even mention today’s events if it weren’t for my stomach ache and nausea forcing me to think about it.

i’m relieved no one reads my blog.  it truly is cathartic for me to say this and release it into the world where it may or may not be found.  this is not a cry for help.  it’s a personal reflection.