Perfectly Flawed

it’s true.  i got naked in bed with nick again.  i’m really disappointed in myself.

we’ve seen quite a lot of each other lately.  entirely in a friends only capacity and never alone just the two of us.  of course i stopped inviting him over and it is quite telling that he hasn’t bothered to invite me out either.  we don’t message each other like we used to.  it’s perfectly clear that he isn’t into me.

to be honest i avoid him.  i’m friendly and nice and pleasant just somewhat disengaged.  even when it looks like he kind of wants to talk with me i quietly slip away without anyone noticing.  that’s the beauty of our group of friends being so large.  if i don’t want to talk to him i can step into another room and chat with my friends there.  i avoid him because i don’t want to be alone with him.  i avoid him because i don’t like any intimations about the intimate moments we’ve shared.  i avoid him because i know there is no way we will ever have a functioning relationship.  i still wonder sometimes how that month in april worked so well for us.  we saw each other every weekend.  i remember knowing the first night we kissed in 2009 that it was a bad idea.

this weekend was cage’s wedding.  of course nick was a groomsmen and i was a bridesmaid.  we had the rehearsal dinner the night before.  i was both hoping and fearing that i would be escorted out of the church by nick.  part of me wanted to touch him and the other part of me was terrified of being with him.

i didn’t walk down the aisle with nick.  instead i walked with dan who i’ve mentioned before.  i have to say i heart dan.  i like to think of us as being pretty good friends.  there is no physical attraction there although i think he is a very handsome man maybe even somewhat sexy.  i’ve developed a lot of affection for him.  i’m good friends with his girlfriend but sometimes i think i almost like him more.  however they both have their flaws.  dan was happy to walk with me and i was happy to walk with dan. at the reception dan and i slow danced for two songs.  it was really very nice.

the wedding was gorgeous.  the church was incredibly beautiful and i’m not even really a fan of churches.  i thought i might cry but i didn’t.  everyone blew bubbles as cage and her new husband exited the church.  we all got on a trolly and rode downtown before the reception.

the reception hall was amazing.  i can’t emphasize enough that this wedding was the best wedding and reception i’ve ever been to.  all of my best friends were there.  most of them were in the wedding.  the food was good the beer was free the music perfect.

i looked damn fine.  an incredibly flattering and sexy black dress.  killer black four inch strappy fuck me please heels.  my normally straight hair styled into bouncy curls.  my skin a perfect golden to compliment my naturally blonde hair.  my teeth were white and my skin clear.  my make up was dramatic yet appropriate.

nick never asked me to dance.  i felt rather sharply the truth that he just isn’t that into me.  i danced with some boys.  mostly my guy friends.  a few strangers.  most of the music was excellent group dancing music so the dance floor was buzzing with all my friends and a nice variety of all ages.  the reception was well attended just not by many young single men.

at one strange and random moment nick put his arm around my waist and squeezed me tight against him then let go.  i danced with him just as i danced with my other guy friends who happen to have significant others.  so it wasn’t too serious.  i was a little baffled though.  not even pleasantly surprised.  just confused.

don’t stop believin by journey came on and nick looked ridiculously excited and i shrieked.  it’s embarrassing how we get around journey when we’ve been drinking.  i grabbed him and shouted a comment in his ear.  it was the first time all night i’d actually reached and touched him.

the night ended far too soon.  so we worked out an after party.  half the group was going to a liquor store while half the group was going to various bars for a drink before last call.  i went downtown with another bridesmaid.  drank a shot of whiskey.  walked to the hotel and found the room where the after party was being held.

everything at the hotel room was a bit strange.  some people i didn’t really know were there.  nick was there.  dan was there.  dan isolated himself in the bedroom and cried.  i checked on him.  he grinned at me through his tears and said i was sweet.  apparently he’d gotten into a fight with his girlfriend and his brother that night.  never a good feeling.

i wandered out into the hallway over looking the massive atrium.  there was a stranger there i thought might have been from the wedding since there were other people there i didn’t know.  he wasn’t with our wedding.  we chatted for a short while.  then we started kissing.  then we started making out.  i had no idea where nick was at this point in time.  he apparently was in a position to watch me make out with this attractive stranger for a short while.  which means he watched me.

it got to the point where the attractive stranger was touching me through my black panties.  it got to the point where he lifted my leg up onto the railing behind him.  it got up to the point where he pulled my hair and grazed his teeth across my bare neck.  he pulled my hair a little harder and i whimpered. a sexy whimper but already i knew he was going to be too dominant for a one night stand. i love being dominated in a steady relationship but when it comes to one night stands i like to be in control.

he invited me upstairs for a drink and he said he had crown and it sounded delicious and i hadn’t been laid in three months and i wanted to but a little voice in me knew better. i hadn’t known him for more than 30 minutes i couldn’t fuck him. especially not a stranger that was already aggressive in public. i pulled away and started verbally backpedaling followed soon by physical backpedaling and then followed by abruptly saying goodnight.

i very quickly stepped into the hotel room and locked the door behind me. nick seemed a little shocked. i was grinning. he said he thought i was going to leave with that guy and i smiled a little naughtily and said, “he just didn’t do it for me.” nick made a comment about making that guy all hot and bothered then walking away. i smiled and shrugged and said i could do whatever i wanted and that a kiss was not a contract. there were two other people still in the room. the best man was trying to get with this girl who already had a boyfriend but she was a bit of a slut.

after about five minutes stranger man knocked and i hid behind the door while nick answered for me. attractive stranger asked if kate could i come to the door and i whispered to nick, “NO.” nick made an excuse for me. then stepped outside and began to chat with the gentleman. not sure why. maybe he felt bad about closing the door on him too? then the only other girl left went outside. i watched through the peephole as she put her arm around nick’s waist. i told the best man that he needed to go get his woman because he didn’t have her tied up quite yet. the best man said all he wanted was to kiss her. the best man had wrapped his arms around me earlier so i said i would give him a kiss. it was a short and rather sweet kiss that lasted about 20 seconds. he wasn’t all that attractive but i suppose this is proof that i was feeling frisky. i sent best man to go out and get his woman. i lied down on the couch and got comfy.

before i knew it attractive stranger had pushed the door open and was in the room with his hand on my back and his face next to my pillow asking if he could spend some time with me. i said i was too tired. i was too sleepy. i didn’t like the situation. i then called out “where’s nick?” i think i may have said it with a slight note of desperation. nick walked through the room to get something and i stuck out my foot and waved it frantically. nick kindly told the guy that it was time to call it a night and the guy quietly left. the best man and slut seemed to have disappeared. i was happy for him.

so it was just me and nick. alone again in a hotel room. there was another groomsmen passed out in the bedroom. nick and i agreed we couldn’t drive and decided to stay the night on the pull out sofa. i went into the bathroom and stripped off my dress and my bra and my jewelry and put on a pair of soft gym shorts and a black tank top. when i came back out nick was wearing his undershirt and his boxers and was getting the sofa bed set up. so far i was fine with this and wasn’t concerned. i think at this point i was still treating things as us just being friends and this was just the way things were.

i arranged the sheets and the pillows as he took his turn in the bathroom. he came out and shut the bedroom door so that we wouldn’t disturb the sleeping groomsmen.  together we got into bed. under the covers. it seemed kind of personal and intimate. the tv was on and we were watching the last of gladiator. the sofa bed was ridiculously uncomfortable. so with a sigh i gave in and cuddled up to him as he was soft and warm and much more snugglable than my pathetic pillow. he immediately wrapped his arm around me. he was warm. very comfortable. i liked that position immensely.

when the movie was over he turned it off and i rolled away from him onto my side so my back was facing him. he immediately cuddled up behind me. i still thought it was comfortable but i think i already knew things were headed in a certain direction. my back was to him however and my eyes were closed. somehow nick managed to mention he didn’t know if he’d be able to sleep there. i asked why and he made a comment about rarely sleeping in a shirt and he may have mumbled something about boxers. i didn’t care if he was in a shirt or not so i said with disinterest to wear whatever he was most comfortable in.

i think i should have known he would get naked. i kind of thought the boxers comment was him being suggestive i didn’t think it was him being explicit. he cuddled me wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly with his hand on my hip where my soft skin was exposed. i could feel his erection. i asked if had kept his boxers on and as i reached to lightly touch his hip he told me no. i was half turned to him and somehow it was all too easy for me to turn the last bit and kiss him on the lips. i turned around in bed and we kissed more passionately. i told him i wasn’t going to fuck him. we made out. i wasn’t wasted but still a little intoxicated.

i don’t remember my shorts coming off. i remember him trying to get me on top of him but not doing a very good job of it and i made fun of him for it before smoothly climbing on top. he rubbed his cock against my panties as if he was fucking me and i wanted it. he tried to pull my panties off but of course with spread legs that doesn’t work. at some point he flipped me over and i think that’s when my panties came off. i don’t really remember. i had gotten a hold of his cock and he touched my pussy. every time before when he has touched me i’ve never tolerated it for very long.  it’s almost as though i’m impatient and don’t even want to bother with the learning curve for a while.

this time however, the alcohol made me stretch back and let him finger me until i was moaning and my body was writhing. i had a hand on his cock. he made me come. he got between my legs and i reiterated that i wasn’t going to fuck him. i kept my hand on his cock. he asked if i was worried and i suppose i trusted him because i took my hand away. he rubbed against my clit then his cock slipped down to my pussy. he pulled away and his cock bounced back up to my clit before sliding down to my pussy again. i stopped moving. he knew something was wrong. he asked if that was too close and i said yes so he adjusted himself so his cock was more at my hip. he then rolled off of me.

we kissed and since i had orgasmed i was now more focused on his cock. i was stroking it and jacking him off when i felt a small pressure on my shoulder. i ignored it. a while later i felt another small pressure. i again ignored it. the third time i felt a small push i told him he was not being subtle and i got that he wanted me to suck his cock. i licked it. i fondled his balls. i ran my tongue up and down then swallowed him whole and did my best to deep throat him. i began to blow him. i’d like to hope with some skill. he seemed to enjoy it. after a while he told me he was coming and i slurped and swallowed and licked his cock. not long after that he offered me a glass of water.

once back in bed we didn’t really touch. i realized with no alarm just clarity that nick cuddles because it gets him physical action. he had no reason to cuddle me after the fact. we chatted in bed for a while. we basically babbled at each other. he actually brought up his ex. at least i think they aren’t dating. i made some comments asked some questions.

after a bit we agreed it would be good to go home. there was no way in hell i was going to be able to sleep on that sofa bed. we got dressed. he put on his boxers i put on my black panties. together we gathered our stuff and grabbed the cooler and left the nice hotel at almost six in the morning. i fell back into our just friends routine only too quickly. i suspect he did too but i wasn’t really paying attention. once we left the room it was like it hadn’t happened. as he drove me to my car i commented that we have an odd friendship. he disagreed. he said it wasn’t peculiar. i don’t remember if he said whether or not it was bad. he made a comment about everybody being sexual beings. it seemed kind of a bull crap answer.

my pussy was a little sore the next day from having him finger fuck me so vigorously. i thought about him talking about another woman while we were naked in bed together was a sure sign he wasn’t interested. i remembered babbling about having sex being a bad idea and him asking why it was a bad idea and basically repeating the question back to each other hoping someone would reveal something interesting. i oversimplified by saying it would complicate things. at one point he repeated it back to me.

i regret it. i suspect i may always be a little attracted to nick for inexplicable reasons but i’ve given him two chances. i can’t give him anymore. he would have to do something damn spectacular to get me back and i know he won’t. i feel like he may have gotten naked with whomever was left at the end of the night. i feel like he consciously wanted some form of sex which is why he got naked so quickly.  i remind myself that he stripped naked.  that isn’t sexy it’s desperate.

i feel like it has nothing to do with me and i’m just convenient.  i feel like i let myself be used by a man that isn’t into me.  he doesn’t like me.  if he did like me he would show it you know like he would ask me on a date or invite me places.  i’ve tried to accept this.  sometimes it doesn’t change the fact that i want to fuck him.  i work out explanations in my mind why i can’t sleep with him.  i think of what i would say to him.

“you’ve made it very clear that you’re not actually into me.  you don’t like me as anything more than a friend.  i don’t need to waste my time with guys who don’t want to be with me.  if i want casual sex i’ll sleep with someone who isn’t best friends with my best friends.  i can have meaningless sex with anyone.  why would i have it with you?”  that’s supposed to be a rhetorical question by the way.  i’m convinced he’d be mind blowing in bed.

i never wanted to be his girlfriend.  i never wanted him to be my boyfriend.  i wanted to date him.  i wanted to have a relationship.  a relationship built on friendship and affection and great sex.  you can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t actually care about you.  i thought he did.  his actions proved me wrong.  i didn’t even want monogamy just trust and honesty.  i like to think he missed out on a great opportunity.  he could have fucked me on the regular and i would have disappeared when it was time for us to study.  grad school keeps me from being serious after all.  okay let’s be honest i might even be a little commitment phobic myself.

alex seems to want me.  i’m thinking about sleeping with him on our next date this friday.  i like to think i wait to have sex with guys i’m really interested in.  you can figure out then that i’m not really that interested in alex.  i’m looking forward to him buying me dinner at a romantic indian restaurant.  then maybe we’ll go home and i’ll get laid for the first time in three months.  alex is obviously a little desperate and eager to please.

maybe i’m a little desperate.  maybe we’re all a little desperate.