Perfectly Flawed

i feel … weird.

not bad.  not awesome but okay pretty good.

yesterday i obtained and filled a prescription for adderall.  a serious prescription stimulant.  it says amphetamine on my drug bottle.  it’s pretty valued by college students.

i’m adjusting to the side effects today.  i know when students abuse adderall they usually take it right before a big test or the night they write a research paper.  i plan on taking it every day to help me deal with my attention deficit.  right now i feel weird.  i feel like my writing is incomplete.

then again my writing has been incomplete for many days now.  i’ve started a handful of drafts and deemed them all too pathetic to even bother posting.  so many random things to talk about or mention.  nothing terribly important.

i was going to mention how last night i stayed awake thinking about sex.  about how long it’s been since i’ve had it.  how much i want to have it.  who i want to have it with.  then i realized the negative consequences associated with any of the men i want to sleep with.  for example i really want to sleep with ryan and i think we could develop a nice little purely physical relationship.  however he is very close friends with a couple whose friendship i’ve come to really value.  i really like the wife but i’ve come to value the husband in a special way as well.  i don’t like the idea of them finding out i slept with one of their closest friends they introduced me to.  however, we’re all adults and sometimes isn’t that what adults do?

i thought about texting aiden last night and telling him how much i loved being single but also how much i missed him.

i thought about alex and our date last friday and how i shook his hand goodnight to try and avoid any awkward moments.  i tried to imagine fucking him.

it was getting so frustrating.  eventually i got out my dildo and fucked myself.  i usually watch a little porn when i get off but this time i relaxed in the dark and let my mind think of all the possibilities.  as i orgasmed with a shuddering gasp i was thinking about me on my back with aiden above me and him orgasming and ejaculating all over my chest then gently pinching my slippery nipples while behind him nick fucked me as i played with my clit and then we simultaneously orgasmed as he ejaculated deep inside of me.  that is kind of a doozy of a dirty fantasy.

as i was leaving the psychiatrists office yesterday i realized i’m a bit of a liar.  i drink occasionally to excess, i’ve smoke weed on more than a few occasions, i’ve hurt myself in the past, and i sometimes make myself throw up.  instead of telling the truth i just report the attention problems.

i’m a little sore today.  i played sand volleyball last night.  i have no skill whatsoever.  i did do some dives and got in the sand a bit so i tried my best.

nick tried to contact me again by sending me a message.  it’s always friendly geek related stuff.  i just don’t even feel like playing that game anymore.

funny how i took a stimulant and now i think i might take a nap.  i feel good in bed.  i don’t feel sore and my pulse slows a bit.