sleepy now July 28, 2009
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i know it’s the alcohol. rather i should say the delicious bottle of red wine i drank with my incredibly flavorful steak.
i flirted with first alex.
then the pathetic ryan.
messaged nick with no response. sad. then later tonight i got a message that said “lo ciento. i put on my facebook and then went to the grocery store. i wasn’t ignoring you, i promise. and yes, hooray for apollo! i can’t wait for dollhouse to start again.” something about the “i wasn’t ignoring you, i promise” makes me strangely hot and i’m pretty sure it’s the phrase “i promise.” whenever i hear the phrase “i promise” it’s usually some claim of affection and innocence and ends in exciting rough sex so unfortunately saying “i promise” almost turns me on a little bit.
i swear it’s behavioral conditioning and not voluntary.
did i mention i drank a full bottle of wine? i am highly suspect of the fact that my interest in nick is increasing again. this is dangerous.
time to get a job. i think cocktail waitress one or two nights a week might be appropriate. fortunately the new roommate is moving in so i won’t be completely broke. just almost completely broke.
this is a strange post July 26, 2009
Posted by skcity in the boy, the man, the men, the sex.add a comment
for some reason my brain still gives me vivid little fantasies when i should be writing a paper for class.
i want to go out to dinner at my favorite restaurant. i want it to be cool enough to sit outside and drink beer and wine. i want to go see a movie. i’m really interested in seeing district 9 although if harry potter is still playing i’d love to see that too. i want to go back to my place for music and drinks and strangely i want to smoke a little too. i want to have someone to go to bed with.
i suppose it’s only natural that my desires change but at the moment i want to share a bed with someone. go to sleep with them. wake up next to them. my mind thinks about the men i’ve slept with before.
i want to make love the night of my 23rd birthday.
i’m terrified i might be spending it alone.
i don’t think that will happen and i hope i have friends who care enough to make sure it doesn’t but i’m still afraid.
i’ve sent out invitations for a party that saturday night. i didn’t want to have it on my actual birthday for some reason although i’m not sure why. the night of my birthday feels more intimate. even though these are my closest friends for some reason i thought a party on saturday would be better. i will have cupcakes, cheeses, crackers, dips, and jalapenos stuffed with cream cheese and wrapped in bacon. my parties are somewhat epic.
my parties are epic but i might spend my birthday alone.
i’ve actually thought about trying to see aiden or nick the night of my birthday and the fact that i have had that thought is disappointing. i’ve toyed with the idea of inviting aiden to my city for my birthday. i think it would be dangerous to have him alone in the house with me at night. i’ve thought about being cavalier and saying he can sleep in my bed so long as we don’t do anything but i know how that would work out. i would resent my body and even though i would enjoy every minute of a forbidden encounter i would regret it after he left.
i’ve thought about what if he forced himself upon me. the fool never really had the dominance to take me whenever he wanted. i spent the afternoon thinking about the one time he did take me when i didn’t want him to. it was a good experience if you can believe that. i was angry at him. he wanted to fuck me. he tried to take me. i pushed him away. it escalated into wrestling. we were in bed and i was naked except for my panties. he ripped them off. yet i was still too angry. i didn’t want to satisfy him. i didn’t want to pleasure him. we wrestled naked and i kept twisting away from him and turning my hips just so. he was breathing very hard and fast as he tried to get in a position where he could penetrate me. eventually he was able to grab my hips while forcing my legs apart. he entered me and exhaled hard then gasped as he pushed and forced my legs further apart while i fought against him. i had my hands flat against his chest pushing him away. my arms were locked and i didn’t want him on me i didn’t want him to kiss me. i stared him down as he started to fuck me. i expected him to stop. i expected him to try and pleasure me. i expected him to do anything but what he did. which was to fuck me harder. i squeezed my eyes shut and stayed perfectly still. i didn’t move. the only contact we shared was my hands firm against his chest and his cock pounding my pussy. he fucked me just like that. he fucked me until he came inside me. when he pulled away i turned from him. i was still angry and a little shocked. i couldn’t believed he’d just fucked me after i tried to fight him off and that he orgasmed while i lied there motionless, silent, angry, and defiant. but i was also satisfied with the knowledge that when we had sex again that night he would owe me and he would give me everything i wanted. i knew i was going to have multiple orgasms that night after he bought me an expensive dinner. you should see the little grin i have on my face right now thinking of that night.
he would never do that again. he said the only reason he did it then was because he knew i wouldn’t really let him fuck me if i wasn’t okay with it. we have a safeword. i could have stopped him. if i had said the safeword he would have stopped immediately. i didn’t stop him. i was motionless while he finished. he would only force himself upon me now if he knew without a doubt i really really really wanted it.
some nights i really really want it.
not that we haven’t thought about it. i’ve tried to talk to him about it. he misses me. i miss him. yet we don’t want to get back together. i don’t want the complications that would ensue if we tried to have a physical relationship again. i can’t do that with someone i loved for three years.
if it wasn’t for the three years of history we would probably still seek each other for comfort. when i say seek each other for comfort i mean fuck like animals.
cage misses aiden. she tells me that pretty frequently. it’s been over a year and she still likes him. i can’t blame her. we were good together.
i see pictures of him on facebook and i want him to be mine. i want his lips and his jaw line and his body to be mine and no one else’s. i’m not even really jealous just possessive. they can be very similar i know but it was always the thought that his lips and his cock were mine and mine alone. i loved that we didn’t have to use condoms with each other.
that has of course changed.
i think of nick on my bed in the moonlight stroking my bare back while i gently and slowly rubbed my body against his.
i think of nick on top of me and his lips kissing mine.
i have to admit i’ve thought of getting back together with nick. i cannot believe i just confessed that. it’s rather shameful.
i want to delete those words but it’s true. i think it’s only because i want something sensual in my life. he can’t give me what i need unfortunately. that’s the fatal flaw in that plan. in regards to being a potential lover nick is an epic failure.
this is just too weird. i have to post it for the record. i wonder if i’ll really want to remember this though.
it was a nice evening July 26, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, life, party, the man.1 comment so far
so friday night i got ridiculously hammered. i hate the thought that pictures were taken of me wasted and sweaty. i sometimes get really sweaty on the dance floor. especially at this one place that gets way too hot and when i’m too drunk to keep things moderate and i just go crazy. i’m sure the pictures are horrific.
saturday night was amazing. thirteen of my favorite people. nick and i were the only single people there. everyone else was a couple. and last night more than any night before it felt that way. the boys and the girls kind of split into boys and girls parties. it’s nice we’re all friends and no one sticks close by their significant other. the only problem was when the boys and girls would mingle it seemed as though everyone was touching their partner. in intimate thigh rubbing back stroking neck playing kinds of ways. there i was single. not looking at nick. keeping him in the corner of my eye. i wondered if nick was still single. if he ever gets a serious girlfriend how will she be introduced to the group? will she be added as a friend and then develop into a girlfriend? i haven’t been around long enough to see how our group handles new relationships. or break ups for that matter. i discussed with wren last night that we suspect everyone thinks i kissed nick just that one night. which is far from the actual case.
due to my crazy friday night and my hang over saturday morning i took it easy saturday night. i was still able to have an awesome time sober. it worked out well that i was able to be the designated driver for the birthday boy and cage. as we were preparing to leave for the after party nick came up to me and asked me about my favorite trilogy. i was a little annoyed and amused. he obviously picked a topic that he thought would engage me in conversation. i’m ashamed to say i might have wandered away from him. it was just a weird topic. every time he drops the title of one of my favorite books that is listed on my facebook profile i get suspicious. last time we were in bed he mentioned east of eden and i called him on it.
it was interesting that it was an active move to talk to me. nick and i have never been active about anything. the only thing we were active about was making out when i invited him to my place this spring. those were nice evenings. shame it didn’t work. not my fault though. i’ve got to be honest about that.
the after party was a lot of fun. all of the guys took off their shirts. i don’t know why. they’re all quite handsome. it was random and they kept them off for the rest of the night. the girls had lots of chatting time. we played some video games. drank beer and sat on beck’s third story deck. had long conversations while looking at the stars. a cop came by to give us a warning that they had received a noise complaint. it was just the girls on the deck and someone slipped inside to tell the guys to put their shirts on and be quiet. i was standing by the door inside while beck talked to the cop. you see we weren’t being excessively loud but the cop said our voices were carrying pretty far and because it was late we needed to go inside. he was pretty cool about it and said he understood it was a nice night and that we obviously weren’t having a big or wild party. at which point the guys opened the door and tried to come out until i put my palm out and pushed them back inside. it would have screwed us over if the small party of six quiet girls on the deck were joined by the six loud drunk boys. fortunately one of the guys was coherent enough to get my message and got the guys to turn around and close the door. it was lucky this was just out of view of the cop. he was nice but insistent that if he had to come back we would be getting a ticket.
inside the boys played more video games and i stretched out with the girls on beck’s bed.
nick came in and asked me why i wasn’t in the other room with the rest of the party. i said i liked it where i was. he pointed out that the other room had shirtless guys. i put on a little flirty pout and pointed out this room had sexy blonde women lying on a bed. he acknowledged my point.
at three in the morning i drove cage and birthday boy home. they made me laugh the entire way. birthday boy did not wear his shirt on the way home. he also left his wallet and cell in my back seat. birthday boy was very drunk but he always makes me laugh.
he said something sweet and interesting. it warmed me and made me feel good. he said the party seems to follow me. i questioned this assertion but he insisted he really thought that. he said that whenever the group hangs out without me it’s never quite as crazy wild fun. it made me feel better to think that people have a good time in my presence. i’m not saying i’m responsible for the fun but i like to think i’m a contributing factor. it also assuages the feelings of exclusion i’ve had on occasion.
cage was drunk and sounded ridiculous last night. she was trying to have a sober conversation with me. i was sober and she was drunk and it was obvious but i love her anyway.
nick texted me sweet dreams later that morning. very random. sometimes i wonder if i’m attracted to him because of an inherent chemistry or if i’m just lonely. i suspect both. i haven’t succumbed yet. i’m a little nervous for when we go in on a keg together for james’ going away party though …
the brief news July 24, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, life, party.add a comment
time for a very quick update before yukon picks me up for dinner.
aiden and i went to dinner last week. went for a maybe four mile walk together. then i let the words “get high together” slip past my lips.
we lit up. my body language screamed don’t touch me. i couldn’t stop thinking about us which had everything to do with the cannabis and his presence.
towards the end of the night i let him share a couch with me so we were spooning. he gently kissed the back of my neck but stopped. i felt a heat burning inside of me. like a radiant heat but not a sweaty heat. again has to do with the lovely cannabis. it reminded me too much of how i felt the last time we were high together. when i had the best sex of my life. so i forced myself to think of him fucking another woman in complete ecstasy. i have to think of him really enjoying it. like filthy grins and eyes closed with a furrowed brow and lips parted as he groans while he fucks her. when i’m alone it almost makes me hot. when i’m with him it does a great job of killing the heat. i told him that’s what i was thinking about. he sounded upset. i rolled my eyes.
of course that thought didn’t stop me from getting off after he left.
we didn’t kiss. he did kiss my neck but it was pretty mild. he had the perfect opportunity to drive me wild and want to fuck him. my neck was right there and he knows i have a sensitive neck. except he’s a perfect gentleman. i respected his restraint. i also felt slightly derisive of it. that was partially always why we broke up. on the rare occasion that he took me like a man should take a woman i loved him more than ever. more often than not it was my instigation. i got bored with that.
he told me that night that he missed me. he worded it funny in a way that made my entire body tense up. i laughed at the tension but i remembered how anxious the thought of getting back together made me.
the night before we had run into each other downtown. i had a bachelorette he had a bachelor party. we both knew we were going to be downtown. i obsessed a little about how i looked. i wondered aloud to a friend if he still thought i was sexy or if he still wanted me.
she asked, “do you want him back?” i realized the answer was no. then i was at ease.
i might not have a boyfriend. i may not have a sex life anymore. i do however have myself.
i am damn fine and i plan to be proud of the way i live.
yukon will be here shortly and we’re going to my favorite restaurant and will hopefully drink my favorite beer if it is still on tap. then i’m meeting up with a friend of mine and her friend who thinks i’m her friend. it’s a little silly i’m usually not very impressed by people who do the latching thing. then we’re going dancing. i’ll probably look like hell at the end of the night. i hope to have fun though.
tomorrow morning is the farmer’s market with yukon then a few errands. perhaps going to school to work on paperwork except i think i would much rather watch a matinee with yukon. then tomorrow night is a surprise birthday party for cage’s husband. funny that cage knows i made out with the best man but not that i got naked with another groomsman. which of course means nick will be at this party. i am going to look damn sexy.
i am however quite secure in the knowledge that nick is not for me.
it’s just that i sometimes forget that fact when i’ve been drinking.
getting things done July 16, 2009
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tonight life feels like it’s coming together.
except i’m pretty sure that’s just the adderall.
which is kind of amazing.
i love bike July 13, 2009
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just so i mention one positive thing tonight …
i went on a bike ride saturday with a girlfriend that was amazing. we rode our bikes out to a small rural town. we went to pretty much the only restaurant in the place and ordered a pitcher of beer and nachos and tasty fried mushrooms and jalapenos. it was glorious. we made good time back home and after taking a quick shower i met her at her place to play with her adorable kitten and watch battlestar galactica while drinking a nice dark chocolate porter. we did about 22 miles total. if that is not the definition of an awesome day and night i don’t know what is. next time we’re bringing our swimming suits and going swimming at the local pool before the beer and nachos!
it makes me happy.
this isn’t exactly a good feeling July 2, 2009
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how did an invitation to happy hour and four invitations (including a date) for friday night result in me feeling lonely?
i’m pretty sure it isn’t supposed to work that way. long day at the grad school. i was super excited for the prospect of happy hour with my friends except cage didn’t answer my call or respond to my text and tonight she’s my invite. i don’t adhere quite so strongly to the invite rule now that i’m so close with everyone but occasionally i need to know i’m wanted before i make an appearance. usually someone from the gang will let me know what and when and where. it always feels good to be wanted by several different individuals in our group.
on occasion nick would be the one doing the inviting. i’ve ignored him since the little “oh we’re naked again” incident. i haven’t avoided just ignored. there’s a difference. i keep imagining him asking why. i think about different answers. trouble is i know he doesn’t really care.
so i suspect the happy hour meet up was tonight. it was left terribly unclear by cage since typically they gather on friday afternoons. i think they might be having fun without me. it would be interesting to see nick. i kind of like having the power to ignore him despite wanting to fuck him. i sure hope he wants to fuck me. that would make it all the better that i’m not going to fuck him.
i hope i didn’t just jinx myself. i hope i don’t end up writing a self loathing and satisfied post about any sex we may have.
i want to look him in the eye and let him know he doesn’t have me. he never did and because of his stupidity and immaturity he never will. i want him to look away from me because i’m the dominant bitch. i don’t avoid him because i’m scared i ignore him because he doesn’t deserve the attention. you can see it in my eyes. a mocking glimmer in my eyes and a smirking grin on my full pink lips. i warned him. a kiss is not a contract. he never had me.
poor pathetic boy thinks he’s a man and in control. i used to think he was a man before i realized how romantically impotent he was. it’s sad he was too blind to realize what we could have had. fantastic sex. geek movie nights. delicious dark beer. no commitment just respect.
it isn’t too much to ask for respect. he was lucky to catch me drunk and frisky that night. that incident helps me to understand his true colors.
i wonder sometimes if it would even be possible for him to return to my favor. however i believe the requirements are beyond him. i’d have to say five expensive dates and a month and a half of perfect behavior. it would take some major convincing. of course if he pulled those things off he’d be rewarded with very passionate sex. frequently. interspersed with blow jobs.
instead he remains someone i despise despite the sexual attraction and chemistry.
i know i’m desirable and i don’t have to waste my time with someone who isn’t going to give me what i want nor meet my expectations.
alex asked me on another date. that would be our fourth. he might be amusing to fool around with but i’m proceeding exceedingly carefully. i sense the drama and don’t want to get involved. the ex and the ex’s son make for a major turn off. doesn’t matter that it isn’t his child he was fool enough to get entangled. that kind of stupidity is not a turn on.
tonight i’ve got an attitude and a splash of arrogance. let’s hope i’m not disappointed. i wonder how much of this is insecurity. probably just boredom.
update: it was in fact a happy hour organized by nick last night. no one went except for cage and her husband. interesting.
