Perfectly Flawed

how did an invitation to happy hour and four invitations (including a date) for friday night result in me feeling lonely?

i’m pretty sure it isn’t supposed to work that way.  long day at the grad school.  i was super excited for the prospect of happy hour with my friends except cage didn’t answer my call or respond to my text and tonight she’s my invite.  i don’t adhere quite so strongly to the invite rule now that i’m so close with everyone but occasionally i need to know i’m wanted before i make an appearance.  usually someone from the gang will let me know what and when and where.  it always feels good to be wanted by several different individuals in our group.

on occasion nick would be the one doing the inviting.  i’ve ignored him since the little “oh we’re naked again” incident.  i haven’t avoided just ignored.  there’s a difference.  i keep imagining him asking why.  i think about different answers.  trouble is i know he doesn’t really care.

so i suspect the happy hour meet up was tonight.  it was left terribly unclear by cage since typically they gather on friday afternoons.  i think they might be having fun without me.  it would be interesting to see nick.  i kind of like having the power to ignore him despite wanting to fuck him.  i sure hope he wants to fuck me.  that would make it all the better that i’m not going to fuck him.

i hope i didn’t just jinx myself.  i hope i don’t end up writing a self loathing and satisfied post about any sex we may have.

i want to look him in the eye and let him know he doesn’t have me.  he never did and because of his stupidity and immaturity he never will.  i want him to look away from me because i’m the dominant bitch.  i don’t avoid him because i’m scared i ignore him because he doesn’t deserve the attention.  you can see it in my eyes.  a mocking glimmer in my eyes and a smirking grin on my full pink lips.  i warned him.  a kiss is not a contract.  he never had me.

poor pathetic boy thinks he’s a man and in control.  i used to think he was a man before i realized how romantically impotent he was.  it’s sad he was too blind to realize what we could have had.  fantastic sex.  geek movie nights.  delicious dark beer.   no commitment just respect.

it isn’t too much to ask for respect.  he was lucky to catch me drunk and frisky that night.  that incident helps me to understand his true colors.

i wonder sometimes if it would even be possible for him to return to my favor.  however i believe the requirements are beyond him.  i’d have to say five expensive dates and a month and a half of perfect behavior.  it would take some major convincing.  of course if he pulled those things off he’d be rewarded with very passionate sex.  frequently.  interspersed with blow jobs.

instead he remains someone i despise despite the sexual attraction and chemistry.

i know i’m desirable and i don’t have to waste my time with someone who isn’t going to give me what i want nor meet my expectations.

alex asked me on another date.  that would be our fourth.  he might be amusing to fool around with but i’m proceeding exceedingly carefully.  i sense the drama and don’t want to get involved.  the ex and the ex’s son make for a major turn off.  doesn’t matter that it isn’t his child he was fool enough to get entangled.  that kind of stupidity is not a turn on.

tonight i’ve got an attitude and a splash of arrogance.  let’s hope i’m not disappointed.  i wonder how much of this is insecurity.  probably just boredom.

update:  it was in fact a happy hour organized by nick last night.  no one went except for cage and her husband.  interesting.