it isn’t so unusual October 25, 2009
Posted by skcity in uncategorized.3 comments
i’m sad. it feels different than depressed. i’m just sad.
this is actually pretty sad October 25, 2009
Posted by skcity in uncategorized.2 comments
i hate everyone. i hated aiden a little less than anyone else for a while. i trust no one.
this makes my life pretty sad and pathetic right now. i worry about my ability to trust someone. because i don’t trust anyone right now not even my best friends. i find flaws in everyone. it doesn’t even matter that i have more than my fair share of flaws.
i judge people based on their actions and their words. i’m beginning to realize that means i’m judging everyone all the time. i wonder if they are judging me?
i might have a party next week. hopefully it’s epic. i don’t think i have any friends any more but at least i have people who sometimes show up.
where things stand October 20, 2009
Posted by skcity in life, the men.add a comment
this season always gets me down. the reduced sunlight makes me want to stay in bed all day. i do it when i can. i lose my motivation and find myself filled with apathy.
aiden rejected an invitation to spend a weekend with me. the way it went down was all wrong. or more accurately it was all too familiar. aiden took my invitation for granted and chose something else over me. aiden didn’t apologize for his rejection. didn’t make any offers to try and appease me. didn’t suggest we schedule another weekend to spend together.
the illusion shattered.
i was reminded that nothing had changed and he was still the same man i broke up with a year and a half ago. he’s still the same man who did NOT fight to keep me when i left him. he’s still the same man who seems to think that happiness doesn’t require any effort. it drives me insane that his presence gives me a chemical euphoria yet he himself won’t make any attempt to please me or make me happy.
so i was let down. we had been in contact almost every day and i stopped. he called me and i was calm and disengaged.
i feel relief when i think of how he was there when my grandpa died a few weeks ago. except i can’t give him too much credit because providing comfort meant sex. we had a great time together when he visited. i thought he’d be more eager to keep me contented.
i have to confess something now. i’ve become fairly certain that keeping me contented is impossible. let’s take alex for example. i haven’t gotten around to explaining to him that we can’t be serious. instead we made out for 45 minutes before i left his apartment late one saturday night. i think about having sex with him and then i think about not having sex with him.
here’s the confession: he is doing what i want aiden to do. alex contacts me regularly. sends me messages. asks to see me. wants to know what i want to do. gives me little gifts and presents. yet instead of being happy i feel oppressed. i want my space.
yet when someone like nick or aiden gives me my space i get angry that they don’t care enough to give me attention.
speaking of nick i’m doing good about forcing him far from my thoughts. i’ve realized i will always be sexually attracted to him. i find myself regularly hoping he finds a really nice sweet normal girlfriend that i like and everyone else likes so that i can be friends with them as a couple and stop wanting to fuck him. i chose to believe that is possible. he’s spending a lot of time with mill still. i have no idea what would happen if she were to become his girlfriend. interestingly enough mill has her own boyfriend who seems a little wary of her relationship with nick.
i suspect if mill and nick end up together that will be awkward. especially because when mill forced a direct question on me i confessed that nick and i had sex. she knows we had sex and that i used to like him. i think about that sometimes. how much nick and i used to like each other or at least how much i liked him and how much he pretended to like me. i was doubtful and wary and cautious but i liked it. i should know by now that it has been over a year since our first kiss. if it hasn’t worked by now it WILL NEVER WORK. i’m afraid of the sexual attraction when we’re alone and horny.
except funny thing that i’m not really invited to any of our mutual friend’s events anymore. interesting. mill is there however. i feel a little bit replaced. i was incredibly hurt for a while. talked about it with aiden but of course i left out the reason why there were problems in the social circle. i don’t suspect any of the group knows other than that i’m no longer a cool friend.
i want to have a party and invite all of them and prove one last time that i am a cool friend. not to get back into their good graces but just so they remember what they’re missing. i’m expanding my social circle as best i can and trying to make new friends. i don’t feel like i’ve lost all connection to those people i just feel like being with nick somehow subtly poisoned things. i admit to having thought that since everything is fucked already he and i could fuck but i know better than that. the situation is unsatisfying but stable. having sex again would make the situation go critical.
i sure as hell hope though he thinks of me sucking his cock and how i slowly rode him the morning after we had sex. i don’t care if he thinks i’m crazy maybe i am. he should just remember that i am sexually fierce.
you know i occasionally think about what i did wrong this last time. i have to remind myself that i didn’t do anything wrong and that it was all him. so i would have to say that two months after we slept together i’m finally able to remember that sex with him is a terrible idea. i won’t willingly engage in it with him again. at least i hope not.
so that’s where things stand. school and clinic suck because of my apathy. back to looking at thinspo regularly. still have my men. got hit on at a party. played video games which was fun. not much else beyond that other than my fading personality.
how do i say this? October 6, 2009
Posted by skcity in life, that other guy, the boy, the man, the men, the sex.add a comment
aiden and i had the most perfect date ever on saturday night.
it was almost unbelievable. i took off his clothes almost immediately after he arrived and we had sex. at the time it felt like that was what he was there for.
we took a hot shower together in my candle lit bathroom. we had steamy sex standing up. our wet skin gleamed in the candle light and it was amazing.
then we went to a very late dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. ate an incredibly delicious meal and drank two glasses of wine. afterwards we went to a classy bar and had a cocktail. then we went to another unique bar in an alley behind an old theatre for a martini. then we went to a club for dancing. then we stopped in a new bar that smelled like expensive cigars and had delicious beers and impressive walls of liquor.
with all the drinking i was tipsy and giggly. i took aiden to places he hadn’t been before and we enjoyed our time together. we had eyes for no one but each other. except for the last bar when i hit on a girl and she and i flirted.
then on the drive home i noticed the full moon and decided i wanted to go for a walk in the country on my favorite trail.
it was gorgeous. aiden gave me his sweater to wear and i shivered in the crisp cold fall air. there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. the moon shone so brightly that the trees cast distinct shadows and made a beautiful silver lace pattern on the ground. we walked to a wooden bridge and listened to the water as he embraced me and we kissed.
we went home and had sweet slow sex.
it was the most incredible evening. we’re definitely no longer just friends although we like to make jokes about being best friends and awesome exes. it wasn’t just about sex either. there was a lot of affection and tenderness.
we spent sunday in bed watching videos on our laptops and having sex. we went grocery shopping together and i cooked a delicious frittata for dinner. aiden loved it. then we went upstairs and we were rubbing against each other with our underwear on. he took his underwear off and rubbed his cock against my panties. i liked it. eventually i took off my panties and he continued to rub his cock against my pussy.
i’d asked him earlier that afternoon if he wore condoms to protect himself or to protect me and he gave the expected answer which was “both.”
i told him i thought it was good we were using condoms. it was responsible. i said “i’m not going to volunteer any information but if you ask i’ll tell you the truth.” aiden joked that could have been about anything then i clarified by saying, “i’m referring to that which you aren’t curious about.” ”oh.” he said, “why did you have to bring that up?” i didn’t want to tell him i was covering my ass because that sounds suspicious.
it’s especially complex now that when aiden was rubbing his cock against my pussy he asked if i wanted to play. i asked what he meant and he put the tip of his cock barely inside of me before he told me, “this is what i mean.” i asked if that was what he wanted. he asked if that was what i wanted. then he fucked me. slowly. very slowly.
it had been 9 months since the last time we had sex without a condom.
it felt pretty damn good. aiden gasped and said he’d forgotten how good it felt. he took everything slow because apparently it felt too good. i was ridiculously wet. i played with my clit. then he came inside of me.
that flat out spells chemical bonding.
i suppose that says i really trust aiden. i got tested for stds two weeks ago and they came back negative. so i know i’m clean.
i should make brief note that nick and mill are together practically 24/7 these days. awkward since she is james’ ex and he is james’ best friend. mill has a boyfriend whom she isn’t fucking. friday night i was invited by another friend to nick’s house and had a great time playing fooseball and drinking. later that night mill and nick disappeared for 20 minutes. everyone was suspicious but didn’t want to go check. eventually mill’s boyfriend went downstairs to nick’s bedroom to find out what was going on. i din’t know what was going on. i figured they were either having sex, making out, or maybe even talking about me.
i got tired of the scene and decided to go home. a mistake because i’d been drinking. i looked around and couldn’t find my shoes. then i realized they were in the basement. i was going to have to go downstairs and enter the awkward zone. i slipped downstairs quickly and as i passed the open doorway where mill’s boyfriend was standing talking to mill and nick in his bedroom i pleasantly said, “just getting my shoes.” i quickly found them in a corner of a different room and was about to make my escape when the lights came on and nick was suddenly in the room with me. he asked if i found my shoes and i said i had and i stepped towards the door to leave. he stepped in front of me and blocked my path. held out his arms and said he wanted to read my shirt. i held it away from my body and quickly pointed out a few things of interest on my threadless tee. he was too close for comfort and i said, “excuse me” and moved to step by. he moved aside and as i walked away i told him without looking, “goodnight.”
there was tentative talk of hanging out with mill saturday night but my date with aiden made it too easy to postpone. later that night mill texted me a question. i didn’t know the answer but i was also naked and drunk. she responded with that was okay nick explained it to her.
today on campus mill seemed a little awkward around me. not surprising. mill is awkward.
me? i think i’m almost dating my ex boyfriend again. we’ve had sex on three completely different occasions in the last month alone. all occasions involved a lot of really good sex. aiden put it so well when i asked him about it and he said it was like we were in purgatory. we aren’t here and we aren’t there.
we’re going to have to talk about it. this can’t go on forever. nothing has really changed in our lives so it would be pointless to get back together. i’m interested in the concept of open relationships. i’m beginning to slowly formulate more of a plan of action. finally.
i want to casually see aiden more often. the plan is to talk with him about what we are doing. where this is going.
i will continue to see alex infrequently. the plan is to establish quite clearly that i cannot be in a relationship with him. however, i’d still like to see him.
i will adamantly try to stop thinking about nick.
it’s more complicated than that but at least i’ve stopped thinking of them equally. that was unbelievably difficult for me. now there is a hierarchy and i think i can work with that.
