i’m kind of tan so that’s cool May 14, 2009
Posted by skcity in going back, life, the boy, the man, the sex.2 comments
i suppose i could start with nick. i don’t have to but i might as well. fortunately i wasn’t emotionally invested in our relationship. unfortunately i was physically invested and so i’ve been using my vibrator a lot lately. at least i am well grounded in the knowledge that all it took to replace him was a sex toy. i’m disappointed but i’m not upset. i just don’t feel like volunteering for the sting of rejection. let’s be honest. i made it very clear i liked him by inviting him over to my house on multiple occasions and inviting him upstairs. he made it very clear that he doesn’t like me. i’m having a hard time reconciling the fact that he may try to hang out with me again. this is far from guaranteed but it is a real possibility. this has happened twice now. if i let it happen a third time i’m a fool.
i went on a date with aiden tuesday night. good to see him. i expected him to look devastatingly sexy but he only looked like my best friend of five years and lover for three and a half. we went to dinner. we chatted. made each other laugh. i looked at him and thought about the fact that he had slept with someone else. tried to accept the fact that he kisses and caresses and orgasms with other women. i get the feeling he’s had additional causal sexual experiences. part of me doesn’t think he’s that kind of man but another part of me understands that i made sure he was a very sexual individual before i left him. i wondered if he was dating someone. thought it was possible. i thought about me sleeping with someone else and it wasn’t strange.
i’m worried that i might get a little competitive with aiden when it comes to fucking other people. i think that while i wanted to have casual sex in march there was a significant desire to fuck someone else because aiden had fucked someone else. on tuesday i didn’t want to know if he had slept with anymore women because i’m a little afraid that would drive me to get naked with any number of men i’m interested in. i could see myself sleeping with ryan this weekend if i knew aiden was having lots of sex. part of my brain thinks “if aiden, who is a good kind responsible man, can have one night stands and casual sex then why can’t i?”
i’ve been contemplating promiscuity and casual sex a lot lately and in a slightly different light than usual. ryan would fuck me but i’m sure wouldn’t have a relationship with me. i’ve been told by mutual acquaintances that he isn’t looking for a girlfriend. i’ve considered the thought of having him be someone i call when i want to get laid. then that would bring the number of men i’ve slept with to five. the ratio will have tipped from 2 relationships to 3 casual fucks. four seems possibly too few but five seems definitely too many especially considering that i’m ready for some form of relationship that involves affection and intimacy. i don’t know if i’m ready for exclusivity or anything serious but after over a year of being single i’m ready to spend lazy days in bed with someone i deeply care about. i’ve realized that’s what i miss most about aiden. having my best friend naked and laughing in bed with me. i know i can have that with someone else. aiden was special and comfortable and stable and knew every way to please me so when i get lonely i miss him even though it isn’t him i’m missing.
it kind of breaks down into how many men would i be okay having sex with in my lifetime? ten? what if i don’t commit right away? ten before i reach thirty? that doesn’t sound too bad does it? then the other question is WHY does it matter how many men i sleep with? if i am safe (of course always safe that is not even a question) and responsible and enjoy it without getting emotionally hurt then why shouldn’t i sleep with men? can i have sex and not be emotionally involved? what’s interesting about my one night stand from march is that i am completely and utterly detached from him. he called me the other day and i didn’t even care and didn’t even want to talk to him. he’s quite nice i just so don’t give a damn. if i had sex with nick i know i would be involved and it would be messy which has me relieved we never had sex and also wish that i’d had that experience with him. the experience of sex that is not of messy emotional involvement.
aiden and i went to star trek. the movie i was supposed to see with nick. aiden had invited me to go on sunday but it didn’t work out until tuesday. aiden was busy texting during part of the movie and i was pissed. my imagination convinced me that he had a girlfriend that was checking on the situation. i was able to kick my rationale brain into gear and asked him what was wrong. i’d forgotten he had the radio tower at his work set up so that it texts him whenever it goes off air. he was texting to get one of his employees to get it back online. i should mention aiden now has employees beneath him and is considered boss of people. he has the unofficial title of head of operations. of course i’m never satisfied so i said i thought it should be an official title. he isn’t paid much but he has a lot of money saved. how can he still be quite the catch and has great chemistry with me in bed but isn’t the man for me?
after the movie was over we slouched down next to each other and put our heads together to talk. our shoulders and arms touched. my body remembers him. i could feel my body wanting him. i could feel my body wanting to get naked. fortunately it was only my body and not so much my sex drive. i’m really scared that if my libido was on full burn and my body was ready and willing that i would be unable to stop any advances from aiden. i’m afraid that i would gasp and moan and respond with a fierce desire that totally ignores my well being and only seeks pleasure.
i don’t want to have sex with aiden. that behavior is no longer healthy. we had sex in early october 2008 because it had been three months since i’d last had sex and i was lonely. we had sex in late october 2oo8 because we really liked the sex and wanted more. we had sex in january 2009 simply because i wanted to have sex while high. two weeks later he slept with the girl he made out with last fall. two weeks after that he tried to have sex with me but because it wasn’t on my terms i said no. when i found out he tried to fuck me after sleeping with another girl and not telling me about it i didn’t feel like talking to him. i wasn’t angry. i was just tired of the whole thing. i sincerely wished this past weekend that he and i had had a huge fight and screamed at each other and cried and broken up with such intensity there would be no way for us to go back. we never fought. we kept sleeping together for two months after we stopped dating. everything was friendly and comfortable and the same as always. it has been far too easy to slip back into a sexual relationship over the last year. i hope we can put that behind us but i feel as though without a current source of sex and affection i will always be attracted to aiden.
aiden and i went to a bar after the movie and shared a pitcher of beer. we laughed and joked and told stories. it was really comfortable. he kept his distance at the table which was good and bad and appropriate considering i’d put my purse between us and kept my distance as well. he teased me when i spilled beer and when i called him out he said he couldn’t help but hope that it would go between my breasts so he had to watch. we reminisced over a few good stories and aiden avoided glossing over our past and chose to be true to ourselves and in a way honor us by acknowledging “then we had amazing sex.” i smiled and commented on how i sure did break him in. he was a virgin when we met. he was comfortable with bdsm and all manner of positions and activities when i was finished with him. we toasted. aiden said he wanted to get high again. i told him to call me sometime when he was in my city and we would drink a few beers and maybe light up together. i know we would have fun. i know we would have to keep our distance because with all inhibitions gone we would probably make a grab for each other and regret it later. i think with a strong resolve and maybe a new fuck buddy affectionate sexual partner in place i could get intoxicated with aiden and not take off his clothes and lick every inch of his hard …
i drove him to the movie theatre where i thought his car was, forgetting it was at the restaurant. he said he had wondered where i was going and i asked why he didn’t say anything. he said he thought maybe i was driving into the country. whenever we drove into the country in the past it was almost always to have sex. i laughed heartily and then apologized for laughing at him. he asked why i was apologizing and i said because if he was serious and had been hopeful then laughing at him was not very nice but if he was being sarcastic then it was okay. he said somewhat strangely that he was being sarcastic. it didn’t ring true although i don’t think he is much more comfortable with having sex than i am. i think we both realize that despite being intensely pleasurable it is no longer healthy for us. it’s so hard to completely give up the idea because my god is it pleasurable. i wrote a protected post the last time we had sex. we went out with one hell of a bang and definitely on top. that weekend was some of the best sex we’ve ever had together.
we looked at each other when i dropped him off. i looked down. i didn’t move. he watched me carefully. he opened the passenger car door and i put my hand gently on his cheek then dropped it. he stepped out and got into his car. it was an amazing night. i think a step in the right direction despite being a horrible reminder of all the amazing sex i could be having but i’m not.
i really hoped he went home and jacked off thinking about me. maybe looking at the naked pictures he has of me. possibly thinking of the hundreds of times we’ve had incredible sex. he’s a good friend and i’m glad we got together. i looked good but i didn’t look too sexy. i want us to move on but i want him to never forget just how damn good i am.
i’m just sad i didn’t have anybody in my bed when i got home to my city.
at this instant November 30, 2008
Posted by skcity in friends, going back, life, the bitch, the boy.add a comment
at this second this very moment i am happy.
i had a nice night in with b. we chatted and had a casual girls night by ourselves.
aiden’s facebook status is “aiden wants to drive crazy fast.” he updated it last night after dropping me off at my car. after we watched a dvd alone together in an empty house. after we spent endless hours kissing each other’s soft lips. stroking each other’s faces. gently biting each other’s necks. as i tried to stand up he embraced me and i ended up straddling him. it was kind of cute and mostly innocent until he ran his hands up under my hooded sweatshirt. he caressed my bare skin beneath my clothes and i breathed deeply as i trembled every time his fingers teased my desire to the surface.
with a gasping sigh i put his hands on my thighs and kissed his lips. then i stood up off of him. we left shortly there after. the entire night we didn’t talk about anything serious. it was just good fun with lots of kissing and his warm body pressed against mine. but i didn’t sleep with him despite the opportunity.
when his facebook status says ”aiden wants to drive crazy fast” i interpret as “aiden is experiencing an incredible surge in testosterone from spending the night touching yet not having kate.”
this makes me feel strangely happy that i still have this effect on him.
i saw twilight today. it made me happy. i didn’t have high expectations. i haven’t read the books. i enjoyed the movie despite a few times giggling when i’m sure i wasn’t supposed to be. more than anything i love the soundtrack which i downloaded when i got home and am listening to now.
life is good at the moment. i don’t want to jinx it.
more melancholy October 12, 2008
Posted by skcity in going back, party, the boy.3 comments
i went home this weekend. b and i rode together. we didn’t have a lot to talk about during the almost two hours.
can i keep writing melancholy posts? it really is the way i feel when i’m alone in my bedroom. the song “i’m not over” by carolina liar is in my mind a lot. it so true and i know it. i’m not over him just yet.
aiden might be getting involved with a new woman. i don’t think she’s pretty enough for him but she likes the same audio visual media stuff that he does. rumor is the girl likes him. i know for a fact her mother wants to see them together. another fact is that the two of them spend time together late into the night until 5. right now they’re just friends. yukon is strongly advocating aiden make a move. there is definitely the potential. if the woman really is interested all it would take would be enough alcohol in aiden to make him comfortable and affectionate.
i secretly want him to have nothing to do with her.
on saturday night i told aiden i kept going back and forth between “i still really like him” to “don’t be the jealous ex-girlfriend” in my mind. we were talking about us being broken up and still friends at a wedding reception we went to together.
he had his hand on my leg.
we made out against my car.
we made out against the brick in the alley.
we slipped away inside the building to an isolated dark upstairs doorway.
i pushed him into a corner.
i kissed him then took his belt in my hands. he whimpered softly as i unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants then pulled out his hard cock.
i slowly sensually slid down his body and wrapped my lips around him.
since i’ve already confessed to my somewhat kinky pleasures it should be no surprise that i enjoy blowing him in semi public places. part of me wanted to screw on the stairs except i knew from experience that while i would enjoy it i wouldn’t be able to orgasm. the possibility of being found out is both excitatory and inhibitory for me.
i licked my lips and grinned like the cat that swallowed the cream. i stood and was about to walk away with my drink when he pulled me back for a hug and whispered “i am never going to be able to be in this building again without thinking of you. you are absolutely fantastic.”
back at the reception we were happy and laughing and joking about things and the words “you’re mine” slipped out of my mouth. i blushed at the unplanned possessive exclamation. aiden was delighted.
i smiled an evil smile and took his face in my hand and said “don’t worry you can still get together with …” and at this point i said the first and last name of his potential interest. he hid his shock well except for the amount of time it took for him to recover.
he asked how i knew about her and i told him i was insightful and intuitive. then i asked him if he wanted to dance and we did. later he told me i was full of surprises. first the blow job then the full exposure of his next possible lover.
i told him he could be with anyone he wanted to so long as she didn’t mind when i slept over.
strange that i don’t mind sharing his body but i feel possessive sharing his orgasm. part of me is concerned that he’ll start sleeping with someone new and find them a better lover than me and never want to share my bed again. mill told me that anyone who sleeps with aiden after me is going to be so boring in comparison to the bondage, spanking, dominance, and other games. i had never thought of it like that. our sex life was so fun and exciting and it was all built on complete trust.
i think it has a lot to do with my feelings that orgasms can chemically bond people together. nothing like a wash of pleasurable neurotransmitters to condition you and reinforce your interest in someone. i hate the thought of him attached to anyone other than me. i hate the thought of him as unexperienced. i hate to admit i told yukon to encourage aiden to find someone new.
aiden still doesn’t know about nick. i heard tonight that nick has withdrawn from some of his friends specifically mill’s boyfriend. they wondered if it had anything to do with his psycho bitch ex girlfriend. their words not mine. i’ve never met her. apparently he has been spending some time with her lately.
saturday night a few tears silently slid down my face as aiden held me tight in an embrace. it makes me wish for the days when we didn’t use condoms and it was all about making love. when he would stroke my hair and whisper that he loved me and wanted to marry me and have a family with me.
i suspect when he visits we’ll fuck hard and rough. then maybe we’ll have sweet and slow sex.
the question is will we ever make love again?
i kissed a girl and i liked it June 17, 2008
Posted by skcity in going back, life, the boy, the men, the sex.3 comments
okay i haven’t kissed a girl recently but that is the name of katy perry’s song that i heard for the first time last night and loved instantly.
i wish i could download my thoughts right now. they are so visual i’m not sure i can write them justice but i need to try. maybe it’s just best if i try to keep things simple.
after the emotionally detached sex with aiden last weekend things started to unravel. i’d gotten tipsy wednesday night with b. as the severe storms rolled in we started drinking and ended up rather inebriated. i called aiden but when he didn’t answer i went to sleep. he called back later and woke me up. i can’t recall everything that we said but it was probably the most cold and icy we’ve ever been to each other. he said something that set me off and knowing me i’m sure i was not pleasant. later aiden told me there was a lot of tense silence and i remembered accusing him that he never had anything to say never had anything to contribute. we didn’t shout we didn’t scream we didn’t cry. we were just angry i suppose.
thursday was the night of long island iced teas at the club and when i got home i called aiden. i’m pretty sure that was definitely a bad judgement call. he didn’t answer so i left a message.
“i’m tipsy again so i thought i’d call in case you wanted to, you know, bicker.”
so on friday i got on the road and started the drive back to my home town. i had anxiety attacks the closer i got. i managed to suppress it but the fact that i was experiencing anxiety again was terrifying. t wasn’t as severe as it has been because if it was that intense i wouldn’t have been able to recover.
i went straight home. it was nice to see my family.
i texted aiden and told him we needed to talk and he agreed.
we met up saturday and we got ice cream then went to get allergy and sinus medicine for me. as we waited for ice cream we couldn’t help cracking up over the voicemail i left him. the bicker part was what got us laughing. we discussed that we were angry and frustrated. i apologized for my inappropriate behavior. we talked about how this seemed to indicate we needed more time to ourselves. which is another way of saying limiting contact. it was a very calm discussion. aiden told me that he could never stay mad at me because every time he heard me laugh he was happy again.
i took my allergy medicine and we drove to the festival that was being held in a beautiful park. it was a lovely day although a little windy. we walked the private trails and stood in the secluded shade of some beautiful cottonwood trees. at one point i told aiden that this reminded me of a night a long time ago that we had spent in another park together. alone in a car. watching the lightning and listening to the thunder.
aiden stepped close, wrapped his arms around me, and kissed me. it was the first time we had touched all day other than the brief moment when he impulsively put his hand on my knee to comfort me. i have to say i love that i can quietly reference a night that i had stayed silent waiting for him to kiss me and he immediately understands.
it was a brief familiar kiss stolen in the shade against an ancient tree.
i knew however that we couldn’t keep returning to the physical as if nothing had changed between us. i mentioned this and he said he understood but that it frustrated him because it still felt right.
around this time the allergy medicine kicked in and i was sleepy and lethargic. we sat on a bench at the top of a hill and people watched while we listened to the concert. we decided on an old but amazing steakhouse for dinner. i was awfully tired though so we went back to his house and lied down together on his bed.
we kind of snuggled a little but we weren’t quite entwined as usual. we comfortably slept for an hour and a half in his dark cool room. i remember every time his face touched me i pushed it away because his fuzzy scruffy sexy cheek was too scratchy.
eventually we woke up and he tried to start something. i wasn’t exactly excited. we kissed but every time he tried to kiss me other places i would push him away. the look in his eyes was so confused as to why i wasn’t responding to his touch. i guess i wasn’t feeling very responsive. he was gentle and persistent and eventually i let my clothes be removed. it was comfortable and familiar and while he couldn’t seem to restrain himself i just relaxed. it was strange in a way. i didn’t get off but i didn’t resent him for it. usually we would continue until we were both happy but i felt content just the way things were. aiden listened when i told him i was fine and he laid down quietly next to me.
i didn’t feel used or disappointed or any other number of negative emotions. i mean it was pleasant sex but i wasn’t even close to orgasm and i didn’t pretend either. i’ve been wondering why that quickie in his bed didn’t phase me at all. i just calmly accepted it.
we then went to dinner and chatted and had a nice time together. i don’t think i’m imagining the gentle shift from intimate couple to close friends. there were the few stolen kisses and the quickie but other than that we didn’t act like a couple. he didn’t place his hand in the small of my back we didn’t touch unnecessarily.
on sunday before i drove back home i visited him for one last time. he sat on the couch while i stretched out with my head on a pillow in his lap. our arms lightly around each other. we chatted and laughed. i teased him by bringing up the fantasy i’d had of him with another girl and we discussed him with another girl and me with another girl and us with another girl. it was all very inconsequential.
i heard katy perry’s song on the drive home and it made me smile.
that night i dreamed that aiden wanted to invite a girl into our bed and i said no so i locked him out of my bedroom. in the dream i woke up the next morning to see him outside getting into his car and talking to his sister. he drove away. his sister came into my room when i was naked and barely covered by only a towel i clutched to myself. i don’t remember what she told me but i remember feeling exposed. in my mind it was obvious that aiden had slept in the basement and his sister had slept in the guest bedroom. after i put on some clothes i went into the kitchen only to find my acquaintance lee eating breakfast. we are both blonde and share some similar characteristics. when she saw me she seemed surprised and began getting her stuff together to quickly leave. it was somewhat obvious what she was doing there that morning but i didn’t want to acknowledge it. i said “lee why don’t you stay a while you don’t have to run off.”
she replied, “kate you know sometimes i hate it when i’m the last person to know something and i have to find out from other people. so i’m just going to be honest. last night … aiden and i slept together.”
i don’t remember being upset. i remember being disappointed. in my dream i remembered thinking it made a lot of sense that when i locked him out he invited lee into his bed. it was the kind of dream that played off of things really happening in your life so it felt very clear and relevant. in my dream his dalliance almost set me free.
i feel like i’m looking for the final key that unlocks the last chain holding aiden and i together.
i’ve been thinking about sex with other men a lot lately. i’m becoming more and more tempted. i kind of want to have an affair that is only about sex but i also kind of want some form of a relationship. i’m not sure it’s a good idea but i think maybe it needs to happen.
psuedo infidelity, lying, betraying, meaningless sex, sexual curiosity, more meaningless sex, and so on and so on. you wouldn’t think i’d be so calm about the whole thing. i think about it, i talk about it, i dream about it, i write about it.
i think things could get messy but right now things feel pretty good as they usually do the beginning of the week. aiden and i have an understanding. we aren’t going to contact each other for a while. i’ll see him in three weeks for his birthday and then he may visit to help me celebrate mine in august. we don’t feel guilty about the lingering physical attraction and we don’t punish ourselves for having sex but we understand that things have changed and not everything can stay the same.
maybe i’m perfectly centered in a balancing act and i won’t realize just how wrong and precarious everything is until i finally move an inch out of line.
a new day March 17, 2008
Posted by skcity in going back, life, the boy.3 comments
the funeral was yesterday and it was a really nice service. it was the first time i had seen her in 15 months. her hair was too dark almost black but she always did like the ultimate dark brunette look. she had bangs cut into her hair and i thought it looked really good and worked for her. she was a bit heavier but then again so am i. she was supported by the father of her child and her best friend as she walked down the aisle to the front row.
the reverend was amazing and impressed upon the congregation that the death of a child was NOT god’s will. this much better than the typical jesus called his little angel back into heaven business i was expecting. it was hard to hear the parent’s names. it was then that i was reminded this wasn’t some obligatory funeral i was attending but the funeral for the son of someone i had been best friends with for over a decade.
it was a tragic loss. i’m waiting to hear what the autopsy found. i need to know because otherwise there are just too many awful possibilities.
i spent time with aiden. he went with me to the funeral. i was impressed to see he had black slacks, a dark gray dress shirt, and a tie. i’d been a little worried he wouldn’t wear the right thing.
after the service we went to his house and had sex. it was a good distraction for a very short little while but eventually i was just waiting for him to get off of me.
we visited his mother in the hospital and watched a dvd with his family. she’s going to be alright and seems to be doing better already. aiden and i were going to go out for a drink but we ended up going back to his house and having sex again. strangely we got into spanking each other last night. i’m not sure if that’s something a lot of people do and while it was random it wasn’t a bad thing. do other people do that too? we then cuddled until we fell asleep. i stumbled out of his house half asleep at 2:30 telling him i couldn’t stay the night because my shampoo was at home and i didn’t have pajamas.
i think everything is going to be okay eventually. there’s generally a positive attitude for the future. aiden seems to accept that we aren’t a couple even though obviously we’re in some form of a relationship. best friends that are also lovers maybe? he asked if i’d gone on any dates already and i suggested he didn’t really want to or need to know anyway. i wondered if he knew that meant yes?
well now i’m off to begin a little cosmetic remodeling of the bathrooms in my apartment. i’m on spring break so i’ve got paint and light fixtures on the mind as well as saint patrick’s day. bring on the downtown and the green beer.
oh my god … March 12, 2008
Posted by skcity in friends, going back.2 comments
the girl i was friends with for much of my youth. the one i accused of drama and pathological lying in the first days of this blog when she was getting ready to give birth to her son.
her son died this morning.
he was four months old. i haven’t talked to her in over a year but when he was born and at christmas i sent her cards in the mail.
i didn’t cry over breaking up with aiden, i didn’t cry when he sobbed on the phone because of his mom, but i did shed a tear over this.
this has been a hell of a week. i have a funeral to go to.
verb tense does not apply December 20, 2007
Posted by skcity in going back, the boy.3 comments
i need to remember to take every single one of my pills. i’m feeling a touch of despair the shadow of depression and i’m a little worried. i’ve put on weight and i suspect my term gpa will be a 3.0 which breaks my heart over and over again especially because i am applying to graduate school. i’m beginning to think i’m not going to get in. the thought is killing me.
i can’t forget to take my vitamins, my calcium, my pill, my antidepressants, and my allergy pill.
i want intimacy but i feel too disgusting and i think i might not enjoy it. i do want to cuddle though but i’m afraid i’ll feel like a monster next to him. he’s oh so handsome but actually a little awkward looking in some ways. skinny like everyone in his family. tall. i guess we have a relationship where i buy him shirts on occasion. always medium sized. i’m either large or xl.
finals are ruining me it would seem. i am contemplating quitting my wonderful job. my great job as an executive assistant where i set my own schedule and hours and come and go as i please. my job where i am important to the company and i talk with every customer. my job where i have the responsibility to schedule what our installers do every day and where they go.
i have this and i’m getting ‘B’s in school. it is so depressing. i want to wind back the clock to august when it was my 21st birthday. i want to keep losing weight like i did that summer and stay tan and fit like i was. i want to not drink a million calories and begin to gain weight. i want to quit my job and live like a pauper just so i could keep up the good grades. i want to not have sex with aiden that one afternoon that resulted in an incredibly painful injury and scar. i want to do all of the extra credit. i want to ace every test. i want to have already applied to grad school. i want to have been accepted with a full ride scholarship and stipend.
i feel as if i’ve veered off the path and i’m starting to panic. if i don’t get into graduate school … i think i’ll disappear off the face of the planet for a week. eat nothing and drink everything. then quit my job as soon as i get back. continue and finish the semester then graduate with my bachelors. then travel a touch which will piss of my mother. eventually retake some of these classes and reapply.
i’m afraid that this really will be the scenario. it will put my life completely on hold for an entire year.
maybe i need this.
i’m so scared.
satisfaction in question December 3, 2007
Posted by skcity in going back, life.1 comment so far
it’s been quite a while. i’ve been going to my site looking at it and not feeling as if i have anything to say. the past week was intense and exhausting with all of the tests and assignments and projects. i wasn’t sleeping and on wednesday it was just too much. i skipped my afternoon classes. then on thursday i slept most of the day when i had planned on doing school work. then on friday i skipped ALL of my classes and slept.
my girlfriends were concerned but we had planned on going out to eat to celebrate the 98% we got on our group project and oral exam. we went to a classy place downtown where i had an apricot champagne and beef tenderloin and we shared a decadent chocolate desert. those girls are amazing. i am incredibly grateful to have found friends like that in this city.
then i went home and cleaned and did laundry while i waited for aiden to arrive. he drove the two hours to visit me this weekend. we had planned on traveling to the metro and staying in a very lovely hotel. it was going to be our gift to each other to spend the money at a nice hotel and expensive restaurants and wandering arm in arm through the beautiful park sparkling with strings of lights in the city.
i suppose the weather didn’t want to cooperate with us and while it wasn’t bad as forecasted we postponed everything for a week. he’s going to make the trip again next weekend for cage’s birthday crawl downtown.
well. the internet is anonymous. so why not set the precedent that i’ll discuss personal things on here because i have the luxury of anonymity. i don’t feel shamed by anything i might say on here they are just not things you would say in mixed company as one might put it.
we didn’t have any wonderful intimate moments really. i suppose the things we did together in bed were kind of intimate but not the specific activity that i enjoy and love. it was, most unfortunately, an inopportune week for that sort of business.
i also contemplated how open i’d be about it. he knew what was going on but it’s strange for me to think he knows all about girl paraphernalia and when i’m using it. i decided i wouldn’t exactly hide the evidence as it is my place and we do enough very personal things together surely i don’t need to be so cautious around him.
we mostly slept really. keeping in line with the last few days of the week we closed the curtains and slept past noon on both saturday and sunday. we had a wonderful time though. on saturday when we woke up we went out to eat at the bakery and had soup and a sandwich. then we wandered around the mall for a bit of a stretch. back home to cuddle in bed. eventually i got dressed up to go out and eat at one of my favorite classy restaurants. it was very tasty and the dessert was absolutely DELICIOUS!!!
yes i’m going to devote an entire paragraph just to the dessert. it was the most satisfying and delightful experience i’ve had in a while. there was a very moist chocolate cake layer at the bottom then a layer of german chocolate type frosting with coconut. this was all surrounded by a chocolate wafer circle shell. which was then filled with a smooth and creamy chocolate mousse. it. was. divine. absolutely exquisite. then to go along with desert i had an after dinner drink – frangelico, chambord, creme de cacao, and milk over ice. mmm.
i was a happy girl after that dinner and aiden and i went home to cuddle beneath the lights of my beautiful christmas tree. we then watched oceans 13 which was fun and went to sleep. i ate leftovers for breakfast/lunch and then we went to the university museum to hear the chamber choir sing in the large resonant space. it was a lot of fun. i love being with a man who takes me out and then enjoys listening to choir music at a museum.
over the weekend we talked in bed about if he’ll pursue furthering his education. he knows i’m not satisfied with the two year degree he has and i strongly encourage him to get his bachelors as it’s the absolute minimum these days for most anything. i admire that he works full time and is respected at his job but i know he can do so much more. i also feel slightly uncomfortable as my personal perception of his field is that in a way it’s dissolving. he’s in the radio business which is good and well and all but these days radio is no longer the way to go. his real passion is engineering but i don’t understand why he doesn’t go for it.
this may be conceited but i’ve flat out told him i don’t see myself having a future with a man who doesn’t at least have a four year college degree. he likes to say that a piece of paper won’t make him a better person and i explain that it will provide more opportunities that he will be more eligible for the engineering positions he would like.
as we were discussing this i realized something. if i care so much about his education and his future and his career and his salary … then maybe i really do see myself with him. i hate to think of spending the rest of my life with a man who is content with just enough money to get by … especially if we were to ever have children together. that’s a scary thought. me a mother? not any time soon.
he did confess in the end that he likes me pushing him to go back to school because he likes my desire for him to be the best he can be. he then said he thought it would be really cool for me to get my doctorate. i just grinned and said it was roughly sketched into my plans but i would have to get my masters first. reminds me i need to get back to applying for graduate school again. *sigh*
so all in all it was a nice weekend of aiden looking so damn sexy in bed and yet not being able to really satisfy me the way i wanted. i can live with that there will be next weekend. however, there was something that really disappointed me this weekend. he randomly acts so childish like when he pushed the cart for me at super target then ran with it before jumping up to coast along down the aisle. repeatedly. i had to take the cart away from him.
i have a hard time loving his “kid at heart” when all i see is perpetual immaturity at times. i think his family shares and fosters that attitude. i really don’t like to think my future mother in law could be a woman who works in a book shop and although very friendly uses coarse language at times. his family is pretty nice (his dad and siblings especially) but i find myself beginning to dislike his mother. maybe he and i are more serious than i thought. who knows.
at least the dessert was delicious and satisfying.
dinner and drinks November 20, 2007
Posted by skcity in going back.1 comment so far
i feel a little bit bad. i think part of me likes the power of making his girlfriend jealous. part of me likes the power of having this man say he wants to spend time with me over break when i return to the small college town i grew up in. i like that he chooses me over his current girlfriend. that he compares her to me and that she falls short.
he has loved me for many years but i don’t love him, at least, not in the way he wants me to love him. five and a half years ago when i kissed him on the cheek he was smitten. there was a brief relationship a quick kiss on the lips and then i utterly and totally broke his heart.
this past spring, three years after our relationship was lost, i sent him an email apologizing for all of my wrongs. making amends somewhat. we’re friends now but i feel no attraction to him while i know part of him is still attracted to me.
i’m going out with him because he is a friend and because i can. we’ll have a few drinks then i think i will have to meet my other friends obligations and so on. sometimes i wonder if i would kiss him again just to hook him again and wonder if i would like it. however i think kissing him would be a bad idea.
at this point in time i don’t think much about his girlfriend. she’s cutesy which goes against my tendency for classy and sophisticated. i imagine she’s a good girl but g doesn’t think she’s good enough for him.
aiden’s happy i’ll be home to visit. i’m scared i’ll run into miss pathological liar and her adorable baby. i’ll be sending a card of congratulations i suppose. my mother told me i ought to.
the small college town where i grew up is an okay place to visit but it gets drab and dull awfully quickly especially when the area is no longer beautiful countryside but instead empty fields and gray skies. i’m wondering if i should spend a night in town with aiden. it bothers me that he still lives at home with his family and i feel uncomfortable with the idea of sleeping there with him. i’m considering it though as i would rather crash some place safe in town instead of taking the long drive to my parent’s house. especially after a night of dinner with g and drinks with friends then perhaps a round at a few of the college bars.
everyone from my past seems to still live there. often i find myself wondering if i could detach myself from everyone i knew before i was twenty years old. so many of them i’d be happy to forget. at least there will be a lot of good food. i’ll be doing a little baking tomorrow to bring along when i leave wednesday night.
