lying in bed.  my room is relatively tidy and my bed isn’t the usual mess.  i have christmas lights adorning my headboard.  i’m comfortable.  i finally decided to display a canvas painting of mine on a wall in my home.  it has been hidden in the basement for over two years.  it’s currently at the foot of my bed and i’m surprised to realize i like it.  i plan to hang it in the hall just outside my bedroom.  i’ve got the materials to paint some more.  i’d like to do that later this week.

i took my final tonight.  lots of writing but i like to think i managed.  i procrastinated and only studied the day of which is dangerous.

last friday night i went downtown with my downstairs roommate.  met one of her friends, who was meeting one of his friends, who brought of one his friends.

who was nice and conversational and asked for my number so that he could ask me out the following weekend.

he texted me tonight and asked me if i had plans.  i had to explain that i unfortunately already did have plans.  you see aiden is visiting me this weekend.  i am rather approaching this as the last hurrah of 2009 and of the decade with aiden.  i don’t doubt that we’ll be lovers again in the future.  i’m just thinking about 2010 as the year without sleeping with aiden.  in theory at least.

so the friendly handsome stranger somehow managed to chat me up.  impressive since it was via text.  i can usually shut down a text conversation with my responses pretty quickly but he skillfully kept it going by asking me interesting questions and flattering me.  it was nice.  he wants to take me to dinner in january although i suspect even though he’s nice we won’t end up being compatible.  i could see myself pulling a b and getting liquored up then getting naughty with him though.  he has this warm kind face that combined with very dark hair and slightly scruffy chin make him look friendly and edgy at the same time.  it’s a bit of a delicious look.  he’s slightly shorter than i usually go for then again i just typically like them nice and tall.

a lot has happened in a year.

i was obsessed with nick.  then i was resigned it would never work out between us.  i began a flirtation with a new guy.  almost by accident nick came back into my life.  we had a happy little relationship for a month or two.  it was almost sweet the way we took it slow and kissed on the weekends.  then following finals he failed to meet a reasonable but also rather high expectation of mine.  i rejected him.  i realized after reading back over my posts that he tried many times to get in touch with me over the summer.  i used verbs like “ignore” and “avoid” and words like “attracted” and “terrified.”  i realized that i was even avoiding him when we were still secretly meeting which may have sent mixed messages regarding my hopes and desires.  i saw aiden again and we even went out a few times without any form of inappropriate intimacy at all.  without even hugging let alone kissing.  i kissed lots of people over the summer and then the night of cage and key’s wedding nick and i cuddled in a hotel room and ended up naked.  i was disappointed in myself and resolved to ignore the feelings of attraction more than ever.

reading my posts i can see the increase in my desire and also strangely the increase in nick’s attempts to contact me which i continued to derisively rebuff.  then one night with enough alcohol and a well placed hand i slept with nick.  enjoyed it.  i realize now that i was getting signals of interest from him immediately following the night and morning we had sex.  he called two days later.  met up with me over his lunch hour and it almost seemed like he tried to arrange for a physical encounter which i dismissed as unnecessary and inappropriate.  he texted me with disappointment when i disappeared from his party without saying goodbye.  he demonstrated what i can only assume were good intentions when it was my birthday.  i was the one who sent a conclusive text that said it would never happen again.  i was ashamed and humiliated following a second attempt at intimacy because my drunken dominance and desperation caused me to lose my dignity.  how’s that for alliteration?  i started seeing alex again.  then i had a sudden change of heart and was interested in aiden again.  interested in a relationship of some kind.  preferably physical.  so i alternated alex and aiden each weekend.  sleeping with aiden but denying poor alex who wanted so badly to be with me.  he finally gave up and said he wanted to settle into a real relationship.  i wasn’t able to give that to him so he left.  did leave behind some nice parting gifts for me though.

grad school has continued to march on.  i’ve tried my best to be positive this year.  i’ve tried to be my best this year.  i tried to lightly patch my friendship with nick to avoid more social exclusion or alienation from our group.  turns out he was always the more important friend and when he stopped bothering to invite me no one else did either.  without actually admitting to what we did he seemed to influence my inclusion in the group.  i’m sure it wasn’t malicious.  i’m sure he was avoiding me just like i avoided him.  we did have sex after all.  more than once.  more than twice.  things have gone well in attempting to build civil relations with nick which is helped enormously along by the fact that he appears to have a very nice girlfriend.  they haven’t been together long.  whenever i wonder if i too quickly dismissed nick’s efforts to be with me i remind myself that he is a smart man.  if he wanted to be with me he would have figured out a way to make it work.  i’m wondering right now if i intimidate him?  i’ve also realized recently that my lack of faith and trust in nick may have contributed to things ending.  my belief that everything he says is a manipulative lie doesn’t make being friends with him easy and makes being his lover almost impossible.  i don’t think i’m unjustified although i wonder how accurate i am.  i’ll never know since even if he told me i wouldn’t believe him.  this year i kissed many different people.  i had sex with three men.  one of whom was the love of my life for three years and is my current dear friend of five years.  one of whom i don’t trust but find myself almost painfully sexually attracted to.  the last isn’t much worth mentioning other than he helped me move on from aiden at the time.

i’m not sure what the future holds right now.

i’m going brunette this weekend.  aiden is visting.  i hope we eat sushi.  next week i have surgery.  then it’s nothing but dvds and books while i recover.

we’ll see what develops with this handsome friendly edgy stranger.

i wonder sometimes if i believe other people are manipulative because i’m manipulative.

this wasn’t the most insightful entry but i think it might have described my journey.  i can only hope my growth.  i know my work as a grad student has dramatically improved.  i know i have grown academically and professionally.

this little space is where i’ve catalogued my personal experiences, accomplishments, and failures.  this little space is where i’ve learned that i am stubborn and that despite my direct approach to so many things in life i actually avoid many things that make me even mildly uncomfortable.

i don’t know if i’ve grown but maybe i can pretend that i’ve learned something in the last year.

i don’t even really know what to say anymore.

this summer i was on top of the world.

now it’s like i’m constantly underneath something or someone.

it amazes me how much this blog has catalogued my depression through out the years.  it has been two years of blogging on wordpress.  i’ve been blogging for five years and have accumulated hundreds of pages of my thoughts in a word document.  would it entertain or horrify?  i often think of publishing a copy or two just for myself.  i doubt anyone else would be interested in it.

i try to learn from my mistakes.  i realized today that my book where i write the lessons i learn is really just a book of mistakes.

i extended  a friendly comment to nick.  i was afraid of my own actions.  i was afraid of my subconscious.  i was afraid of ulterior motives i wasn’t aware of.  i thought that being a little bit friendly to nick might make social situations easier and hopefully more frequent.

i was right and had a nice night out with the gang last weekend.  nick was friendly and didn’t avoid me.  we had a few superficial conversations.  when a friend and i left and i announced to the group we were going to a sandwich shop nick immediately said he was going with us.  we walked arm in arm briefly the three of us but it wasn’t awkward.  i teased nick for becoming a vegetarian and told him the only reason a man would do so would be to get laid.  i laughed playfully and the banter was friendly.  when we were saying goodnight i turned to go in the opposite direction and he put a hand in front of me.  i began to put my hand out to shake his hand or give him a high five or something but realized that wasn’t what he wanted and that pulling off a handshake would be awkward.  so i gave him a hug.  he squeezed me tight and said, “that’s right friends hug each other” while i thought about how in his world friends fuck each other too.  he kissed my head and let me go.

a lot of my sadness a few weeks ago had to do with aiden.  he unintentionally hurt me.  i decided to talk it out with him one night and somehow it ended with me saying it was strange  how whenever he made  me dislike him i thought about doing unusual and naughty things with him.  yeah basically i willingly agreed to try something new with him.  so for a week or so we sent each other dirty texts and had phone sex once and set a date for when he would visit.

in the meantime i had scheduled another date with alex.

that fell through once alex told me he was uncomfortable with me.  basically he was attracted to me.  wanted to be with me.  felt like he was with me.  then when i confessed i was never going to give him anything more he decided that a casual relationship was not what he wanted.  so he went on a date with another woman who was willing to be his girlfriend.  a few days later he told me he couldn’t go on our date because he didn’t want to be with me feeling attracted to me when i wasn’t attracted enough to him and someone else was.  yeah that’s one way of putting it.

basically it means i have another failed relationship.  admittedly one i didn’t want but one that i had and one that i lost.  not really a bad thing.  i’m keeping the router and the box set of dvds he gave me.  that actually makes the whole experience better.

now i’m having doubts about aiden visiting.  it just doesn’t seem like a good idea despite my anticipation of trying something very new.  we’ll see how i feel about it when i’m well rested.  i went almost 38 hours without sleep this week and am still having trouble getting back into a normal sleep pattern.

so this is my life.  i feel dull.  i feel average.

i’m going brunette in a month so i do have that to look forward to.  i need a drastic change.  i want people to be surprised when they see how good i look new years eve.

this season always gets me down.  the reduced sunlight makes me want to stay in bed all day.  i do it when i can.  i lose my motivation and find myself filled with apathy.

aiden rejected an invitation to spend a weekend with me.  the way it went down was all wrong.  or more accurately it was all too familiar.  aiden took my invitation for granted and chose something else over me.  aiden didn’t apologize for his rejection.  didn’t make any offers to try and appease me.  didn’t suggest we schedule another weekend to spend together.

the illusion shattered.

i was reminded that nothing had changed and he was still the same man i broke up with a year and a half ago.  he’s still the same man who did NOT fight to keep me when i left him.  he’s still the same man who seems to think that happiness doesn’t require any effort.  it drives me insane that his presence gives me a chemical euphoria yet he himself won’t make any attempt to please me or make me happy.

so i was let down.  we had been in contact almost every day and i stopped.  he called me and i was calm and disengaged.

i feel relief when i think of how he was there when my grandpa died a few weeks ago.  except i can’t give him too much credit because providing comfort meant sex.  we had a great time together when he visited.  i thought he’d be more eager to keep me contented.

i have to confess something now.  i’ve become fairly certain that keeping me contented is impossible.  let’s take alex for example.  i haven’t gotten around to explaining to him that we can’t be serious.  instead we made out for 45 minutes before i left his apartment late one saturday night.  i think about having sex with him and then i think about not having sex with him.

here’s the confession:  he is doing what i want aiden to do.  alex contacts me regularly.  sends me messages.  asks to see me.  wants to know what i want to do.  gives me little gifts and presents.  yet instead of being happy i feel oppressed.  i want my space.

yet when someone like nick or aiden gives me my space i get angry that they don’t care enough to give me attention.

speaking of nick i’m doing good about forcing him far from my thoughts.  i’ve realized i will always be sexually attracted to him.  i find myself regularly hoping he finds a really nice sweet normal girlfriend that i like and everyone else likes so that i can be friends with them as a couple and stop wanting to fuck him.  i chose to believe that is possible.  he’s spending a lot of time with mill still.  i have no idea what would happen if she were to become his girlfriend.  interestingly enough mill has her own boyfriend who seems a little wary of her relationship with nick.

i suspect if mill and nick end up together that will be awkward.  especially because when mill forced a direct question on me i confessed that nick and i had sex.  she knows we had sex and that i used to like him.  i think about that sometimes.  how much nick and i used to like each other or at least how much i liked him and how much he pretended to like me.  i was doubtful and wary and cautious but i liked it.  i should know by now that it has been over a year since our first kiss.  if it hasn’t worked by now it WILL NEVER WORK.  i’m afraid of the sexual attraction when we’re alone and horny.

except funny thing that i’m not really invited to any of our mutual friend’s events anymore.  interesting.  mill is there however.  i feel a little bit replaced.  i was incredibly hurt for a while.  talked about it with aiden but of course i left out the reason why there were problems in the social circle.  i don’t suspect any of the group knows other than that i’m no longer a cool friend.

i want to have a party and invite all of them and prove one last time that i am a cool friend.  not to get back into their good graces but just so they remember what they’re missing.  i’m expanding my social circle as best i can and trying to make new friends.  i don’t feel like i’ve lost all connection to those people i just feel like being with nick somehow subtly poisoned things.  i admit to having thought that since everything is fucked already he and i could fuck but i know better than that.  the situation is unsatisfying but stable.  having sex again would make the situation go critical.

i sure as hell hope though he thinks of me sucking his cock and how i slowly rode him the morning after we had sex.  i don’t care if he thinks i’m crazy maybe i am.  he should just remember that i am sexually fierce.

you know i occasionally think about what i did wrong this last time.  i have to remind myself that i didn’t do anything wrong and that it was all him.  so i would have to say that two months after we slept together i’m finally able to remember that sex with him is a terrible idea.  i won’t willingly engage in it with him again.  at least i hope not.

so that’s where things stand.  school and clinic suck because of my apathy.  back to looking at thinspo regularly.  still have my men.  got hit on at a party.  played video games which was fun.  not much else beyond that other than my fading personality.

aiden and i had the most perfect date ever on saturday night.

it was almost unbelievable.  i took off his clothes almost immediately after he arrived and we had sex.  at the time it felt like that was what he was there for.

we took a hot shower together in my candle lit bathroom.  we had steamy sex standing up.  our wet skin gleamed in the candle light and it was amazing.

then we went to a very late dinner at one of my favorite restaurants.  ate an incredibly delicious meal and drank two glasses of wine.  afterwards we went to a classy bar and had a cocktail.  then we went to another unique bar in an alley behind an old theatre for a martini.  then we went to a club for dancing.  then we stopped in a new bar that smelled like expensive cigars and had delicious beers and impressive walls of liquor.

with all the drinking i was tipsy and giggly.  i took aiden to places he hadn’t been before and we enjoyed our time together.  we had eyes for no one but each other.  except for the last bar when i hit on a girl and she and i flirted.

then on the drive home i noticed the full moon and decided i wanted to go for a walk in the country on my favorite trail.

it was gorgeous.  aiden gave me his sweater to wear and i shivered in the crisp cold fall air.  there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.  the moon shone so brightly that the trees cast distinct shadows and made a beautiful silver lace pattern on the ground.  we walked to a wooden bridge and listened to the water as he embraced me and we kissed.

we went home and had sweet slow sex.

it was the most incredible evening.  we’re definitely no longer just friends although we like to make jokes about being best friends and awesome exes.  it wasn’t just about sex either.  there was a lot of affection and tenderness.

we spent sunday in bed watching videos on our laptops and having sex.  we went grocery shopping together and i cooked a delicious frittata for dinner.  aiden loved it.  then we went upstairs and we were rubbing against each other with our underwear on.  he took his underwear off and rubbed his cock against my panties.  i liked it.  eventually i took off my panties and he continued to rub his cock against my pussy.

i’d asked him earlier that afternoon if he wore condoms to protect himself or to protect me and he gave the expected answer which was “both.”

i told him i thought it was good we were using condoms.  it was responsible.  i said “i’m not going to volunteer any information but if you ask i’ll tell you the truth.”  aiden joked that could have been about anything then i clarified by saying, “i’m referring to that which you aren’t curious about.”  ”oh.” he said, “why did you have to bring that up?”  i didn’t want to tell him i was covering my ass because that sounds suspicious.

it’s especially complex now that when aiden was rubbing his cock against my pussy he asked if i wanted to play.  i asked what he meant and he put the tip of his cock barely inside of me before he told me, “this is what i mean.”  i asked if that was what he wanted.  he asked if that was what i wanted.  then he fucked me.  slowly.  very slowly.

it had been 9 months since the last time we had sex without a condom.

it felt pretty damn good.  aiden gasped and said he’d forgotten how good it felt.  he took everything slow because apparently it felt too good.  i was ridiculously wet.  i played with my clit.  then he came inside of me.

that flat out spells chemical bonding.

i suppose that says i really trust aiden.  i got tested for stds two weeks ago and they came back negative.  so i know i’m clean.

i should make brief note that nick and mill are together practically 24/7 these days.  awkward since she is james’ ex and he is james’ best friend.  mill has a boyfriend whom she isn’t fucking.  friday night i was invited by another friend to nick’s house and had a great time playing fooseball and drinking.  later that night mill and nick disappeared for 20 minutes.  everyone was suspicious but didn’t want to go check.  eventually mill’s boyfriend went downstairs to nick’s bedroom to find out what was going on.  i din’t know what was going on.  i figured they were either having sex, making out, or maybe even talking about me.

i got tired of the scene and decided to go home.  a mistake because i’d been drinking.  i looked around and couldn’t find my shoes.  then i realized they were in the basement.  i was going to have to go downstairs and enter the awkward zone.  i slipped downstairs quickly and as i passed the open doorway where mill’s boyfriend was standing talking to mill and nick in his bedroom i pleasantly said, “just getting my shoes.”  i quickly found them in a corner of a different room and was about to make my escape when the lights came on and nick was suddenly in the room with me.  he asked if i found my shoes and i said i had and i stepped towards the door to leave.  he stepped in front of me and blocked my path.  held out his arms and said he wanted to read my shirt.  i held it away from my body and quickly pointed out a few things of interest on my threadless tee.  he was too close for comfort and i said, “excuse me” and moved to step by.  he moved aside and as i walked away i told him without looking, “goodnight.”

there was tentative talk of hanging out with mill saturday night but my date with aiden made it too easy to postpone.  later that night mill texted me a question.  i didn’t know the answer but i was also naked and drunk.  she responded with that was okay nick explained it to her.

today on campus mill seemed a little awkward around me.  not surprising.  mill is awkward.

me?  i think i’m almost dating my ex boyfriend again.  we’ve had sex on three completely different occasions in the last month alone.  all occasions involved a lot of really good sex.  aiden put it so well when i asked him about it and he said it was like we were in purgatory.  we aren’t here and we aren’t there.

we’re going to have to talk about it.  this can’t go on forever.  nothing has really changed in our lives so it would be pointless to get back together.  i’m interested in the concept of open relationships.  i’m beginning to slowly formulate more of a plan of action.  finally.

i want to casually see aiden more often.  the plan is to talk with him about what we are doing.  where this is going.

i will continue to see alex infrequently.  the plan is to establish quite clearly that i cannot be in a relationship with him.  however, i’d still like to see him.

i will adamantly try to stop thinking about nick.

it’s more complicated than that but at least i’ve stopped thinking of them equally.  that was unbelievably difficult for me.  now there is a hierarchy and i think i can work with that.

lately every time i’ve thought of alex’s arms wrapped around me i quickly think of how much better aiden’s arms feel.

damn it i’ve gotten myself into some trouble.

why is it that my solution is to meet someone new?  why do i think someone else will help?  obviously i can’t let go of the damn lot that i’ve got you’d think i wouldn’t need to add another.  considering i still think about my night with nick i’m pretty much just asking for a fucking pentagon.  not a love triangle a fucking pentagon.  because i want another man to change things for me i want another man to satisfy me so completely i stop collecting little bits and pieces from all the others.

aiden is the comfort and the good sex.

alex is the nice charming sweet guy.

nick is the asshole with the big cock.

i’ve been wanting to write.  it’s so strange when i start a post with that.  i feel like saying it though because it’s true.  it conveys that i’ve had thoughts i’ve been unable to clearly articulate.

i went on my date with alex.  nice.  he made a move and kissed me before we went to dinner.  it was nice enough and i was already tipsy.  he paid for a delicious dinner at one of my favorite restaurants.  we cuddled at my house for half an hour before going to mill’s new apartment to play board games.  i was still a little drunk.  nick was there.  i was friendly.  it was weird that alex and i were there together.

i was a bit of a tease to alex.  i only vaguely remember this but mill told me i kept saying to her over and over “i don’t want to fuck him.”  which was true.  i teased the poor boy relentlessly on the way home and then when he asked to come upstairs i said no and threw a pillow down from the loft before locking my bedroom door.  the next morning was a little dull.  he obviously enjoyed my company and i was getting bored.  i told him i was meeting someone for lunch and had to get ready.  he reluctantly left.  once he was gone i made myself a sandwich for lunch and watched a movie on my laptop.  i was just trying to get rid of him.  doesn’t speak well for future dates in my opinion.

i can tell he’s getting attached and it doesn’t do it for me.  i’ve been meaning to tell him i’m not into relationships but that i enjoy his company.  after all he bought a series on dvd that i want to watch.  i don’t plan on seeing him for three weeks.  i’m too busy.  one of those weekends i can’t see alex i’m seeing aiden.

i get the tiniest sense that aiden and i are rekindling something.  it feels a little like an affair which probably has something to do with alex.  i’m not sure at what point i considered nick back in the game though.  as in i would probably sleep with him again if given the opportunity.  my shame must have worn off by now.  i’ve thought about that a lot.  wanting to fuck aiden from one city, wanting to fuck nick in my city, grudgingly considering fucking alex in another city.  after all he does have the series i really want to watch.

there have been many sleepless nights lately.  i suspect my unusual/inconsistent doses of adderall and wellbutrin have been partly to blame.  except i also spend my nights thinking about how comfortable i feel with aiden and how uncomfortable i feel with alex.  i’ve also thought of a certain attractive feature of nick’s and it isn’t his personality.

i’ve thought about grad school.  i suspect that’s due to the wellbutrin disruption considering grad school is going fine.  i’ve thought about my grandfather who is dying.  there have been many nights lately when i’m awake until after 4:30 in the morning.  i’ve been crashing one day a week with fitful sleep.

i again blame the prescription medications and also my own actions.  i feel personally comfortable with my own personal interpretation of “polyamory” which isn’t really polyamory because i don’t love any of these men.  maybe aiden a very small amount.

how is it that we’re seeing each other again?  how is it we’re okay with fucking other people?  how is it he is still the best person i’ve been with?  i’m not sure i can even speculate where this is going.  right now i feel comfortable with aiden but it still feels a little wrong like an affair.  i don’t understand why i feel that way.  i wonder if i’ll discuss it with him.

we’ve made plans.  to see each other again in two weeks.  another dinner.  another movie.  likely another smoking session.  probably more sex.

i’ll be fucking aiden again before i go on my next date with alex in three weeks.

when b did this i was a little perturbed but i didn’t think it was really wrong.  now i’m the slut of the household.  i don’t think my roommates even knew aiden stayed in my bed.

so i have a lot on my mind.

mostly sex.  also that bit about my medications being out of whack.  also my grandfather slowly dying.

aiden picked me up a little earlier than planned.  i was wearing cute destroyed jeans that happened to be two sizes smaller than i was wearing when i broke up with him a year and a half ago.  i had on a cute and casual shirt layered over a soft tank top.  i had considered dressing sexy for aiden but decided to go with cute.  he had on khaki shorts and a black polo.  we both looked good.

we ate at a relatively good restaurant that happened to be the first restaurant we ate at together in my city.  stopped by a bar for a quick beer before going to the movie.  we saw inglorious basterds which i liked mostly because it was quentin tarantino.  of course it was ridiculously violent.  during dinner and the movie i thought about touching aiden casually yet intimately.

that afternoon i had put a bottle of good dry reisling in the fridge.  on the drive back to my place i asked if he was interested.  he said “yes please” and smiled.  when we got to my place i gave him the bottle to open and got out the wine glasses.  he poured and then i said “let’s be scandalous shall we and go upstairs?”  i wasn’t planning on introducing him to my roommates because they would disapprove if they knew about aiden/alex/nick.  it’s unfortunate that i can’t be honest with my roommate because she believes all of my favorite activities are sinful.

so aiden and i slipped upstairs into my bedroom with two wine glasses and a bottle of delicious dry reisling.  we sat on my bed and talked and surfed the web.  eventually i mentioned lighting up and he agreed.  we smoked and watched fantastic planet which is animated and a total trip.  aiden focused on the movie while i was preoccupied with the man in my bed.

we talked about random things.  i’d reach out across the space between us and touch him occasionally to emphasize a point.  with the wine and the weed in my system i eventually took his hand and gently kissed his fingers.  i stroked his hand and lightly pressed his fingers to my skin so that he would touch me.  his thumb began stroking the curve of my breast.  he was tortuously slow at caressing my breast before he lightly teased my nipple.  i gasped and arched my back slightly.

i vaguely remember pressing his other hand to my stomach.  all of his actions were slow and deliberate.  he took forever to actually get in my jeans.  i hoped he would fuck me but instead he began playing with my clit.

it took a long time before i grabbed him and pulled him close to me.  he’d maintained a bit of safe distance.  i remember feeling his warm body finally come into full contact with mine and pushing against him.  i could feel he was aroused but i hesitated to touch him.

aiden began kissing my neck and my breasts and my chest.  it didn’t take long for me to realize he was avoiding my lips and as he touched my body my mind was in a state of arousal and confused anxiety.  with a gasp i cried “why won’t you kiss me?!”  he ignored me for a moment then hesitated before his lips finally came into contact with mine.  i kissed him with a furious passion.

my hips pushed against him and one hand gripped his arm tightly while the other was wrapped around his shoulders and neck.  i didn’t realize it at the time but i hesitated too.  i instigated the physical contact and i demanded he kiss me but i didn’t touch his cock.  i carefully and lightly touched him through his shorts.  he was ridiculously hard.

a part of me hoped he would fuck me but i wasn’t about to insist upon sex.  especially after my previous experience with rejection by nick and the whole “we haven’t had sex with each other in eight months while we’ve been having sex with other people” issue.  so i kept stroking his cock faster and faster as he brought me closer to a rough and quick orgasm.  his breath began to sound harsh and our speed increased.  he gasped then groaned and i felt his hot semen cover his cock, my fingers, and both of our stomachs.  i kept stroking his hard hot cock as my back arched and a mediocre orgasm washed over me.

it was late.  maybe a little before three.  we finally got in my bed and under my covers.  he wrapped his arms tight around me.  we talked.  i don’t really remember what we talked about.  i wasn’t high anymore but it seems so easy to forget things when i’ve been smoking.  i have no idea who started the final round but knowing the two participants i can assume it was probably me.  i remember him touching me..

i remember he whispered something to me but i don’t know what he said.

somehow i had become naked except for my panties and the black fuck me stilettos i had put on in bed because aiden found them sexy.  aiden was completely dressed.  the vulnerability of being almost completely naked and him completely clothed was kind of hot.

it was sudden when aiden quickly unbuckled his belt, unbuttoned his shorts, and pulled down his zipper.  he stood next to the bed watching me as he pulled down his shorts and yanked off his shirt before pressing his body on top of mine.  i knew we were going to fuck then.  he pulled my panties off but kept my sexy black stilettos on.  he left his boxers on for a minute but kept his cock away from my pussy before standing up to get a condom.

did i look him in the eyes as he slowly penetrated me for the first time in eight months?  aiden was both familiar and foreign to me.

it was after three in the morning and we fucked almost desperately.

my stilettos were on his shoulders at one point.  we orgasmed and it was the most satisfying orgasm i’d had in a long time.  he collapsed on top of me breathing hard.  we fell asleep naked.

i woke up the next morning to his vibrating cell phone and it wasn’t even strange that he was there.  he checked his phone and it was an automatic email notifying him of some easily corrected malfunction at work.  i grabbed some clothes and went to the bathroom while he got on his computer to fix the problem remotely.  we ate breakfast together in bed.

then we spent the rest of the day in bed fucking.  the first few times were missionary and pretty basic.  later he fucked me hard from behind.  fucked me with my knees pressed to my chest and my feet above my head.  he fucked me standing at the edge of the bed with my legs around his waist and later with my ankles on his shoulders.  i rode him.

i wonder if our mutual friend yukon informed him i’d had unprotected sex with another man.  i thought about telling aiden the facts about my increased number of sexual partners but he had told me previously that he wasn’t curious and wasn’t interested.  i rationalized that my sexual history was relevant if we were going to have sex but i finally decided that i should respect his decision.  if he asked i would answer honestly and tell him the truth.  otherwise if he didn’t want to know the details i wasn’t going to tell him.  besides i think he was pretty confident in the assumption that i’d fucked a few other men.  we used condoms every time.  that’s the first time we’ve done that in years.  even in january we abandoned condoms within 24 hours for our preferred no condoms.

i could never fuck him again in good conscience without having been tested.  which i plan to be tested again very soon.  i trust nick so very little indeed.

around lunch time we took a nap.  that afternoon we woke up and aiden fucked me proper.  for the first time in many many many months i experienced multiple orgasms.  i don’t actually remember the last time i had multiple orgasms.  something about the way we fit together that afternoon kept pushing me over the edge again and again.  when i realized what was happening i giggled with surprise and pleasure.  followed of course by more moaning.  it was some of the best sex i’ve had in a long time.

we talked in bed and cuddled and it wasn’t long before aiden was hard again.  that man always demonstrated impressive stamina to keep me satisfied on our weekend long sex binges.  i told aiden to fuck me slowly.  he asked if i was sore and i told him no that i just wanted it slow.  my god was it good.  i was moaning and pushing my body against him.  i got going so strong that eventually i was begging him to fuck me hard and he obliged giving me another round of excellent orgasms.

we decided to shower and leave the house for a bit.  i got a latte and we went to a restaurant for dinner.  we were going to stuff ourselves with carbs at a pizza buffet but found it closed for the holiday.  we chose the steakhouse next door.  i ate a salad and drank a cocktail but by the time my rib eye steak arrived i wasn’t hungry anymore and had a bit of an upset stomach.  i picked at my food and was glad when it was time to leave.

by the time we got home and i lied down i was feeling a little better.  i started on some homework while aiden worked on his computer.  we spent most of our time together listening to pandora or thesixtyone.  i decided i was done with homework and surprised aiden by straddling him.  began dancing for him.  my body undulated as i rolled my back and hips to the music.  after a song i stood up on the bed and stripped my jeans off as i looked down at him.  then i continued grinding against him.

he pulled off my shirt.  took off my bra.  kissed me and flipped me over.  took off my panties.  then he began kissing my body.  he began kissing down my stomach and kissed my thighs.  previously i didn’t tolerate his pathetic attempts at cunninglingus for very long.  he didn’t know how to give and i suppose really i didn’t know how to receive.  my most recent sexual partners helped me learn to accept the pleasures of oral sex.  mostly because they were actually good at it.  it was kind of my fault for not letting aiden practice but there had been some unpleasant experiences.

when he finally began licking my clit i’m sure he was surprised i didn’t push him away as i previously did with his fumbling attempts.  instead i stretched my legs and then let my thighs relax with him between them.  i covered my face with a pillow and laughed and thought to myself “someone finally taught you some manners.”  i should apologize for it not being me after our three years of sex together.  that was probably as much a disservice to him as it was to me.

i half expected him to lick at me for a few minutes then get a condom and fuck me.  instead he dedicated himself to the task.  i got really close to dying of pleasure a few times but his technique wasn’t quite spot on enough to make me orgasm.  still felt freaking amazing though.  after a rather long amount of time passed with him between my legs i eventually gave a bit of a shudder and had him slow down.  when i was as content as i was going to be i had him stop.

i told him i wanted to taste him.  he straddled my chest and i began to suck his cock.  i gave his ass a gentle push and he began fucking my mouth the way i indicated.  aiden was sighing deeply and moaning quietly which considering he doesn’t usually make much sound until he comes was a very good sign.  his moaning got louder and his hips began to move just a little faster.  i took this as my cue and increased the speed so that he stopped moving his hips.  i had his balls cradled in my hand and my fingers stroked him continuously.  he began to mutter “oh god oh god oh god” over and over.  soon he was moaning loudly as his orgasm took him.  i swallowed it all eagerly as he continued to moan and groan loudly.  he took in deep gasping breaths trying to steady his breathing.  he would laugh and shudder whenever i hit a sensitive sweet spot.  eventually once his cock had been completely caressed by my tongue and my lips had finished kissing him i let him escape my grasp.

he collapsed next to me and said his whole body was still tingling.  he looked at me and laughed and said “i love the way you look right now.  you have this amazing smile like you know exactly what you just did and you loved every minute of it.  that is so fucking sexy.”  i licked my lips and nodded.  ”that may have been the best blow job of my life” he told me.  i was happy and content.  i really do enjoy a job well done.

aiden embraced me in a tight hug and told me he loved spending time with me.  he couldn’t see but i looked away when he used the word love.  strangely despite all of the sex and laughter and happiness there wasn’t any love.  it wasn’t surprising really just kind of a different experience.  i’ve never been with aiden without feeling love for him so this was new for me.  i adored the sex we had.  i’d even consider doing it again.  yet there was no love.  we talked about how right we were for each other but also that we accepted we were not right for each other right now.  i made a joke or two about the woman/women aiden has slept with (e.g., “for some reason i always imagine you having sex with women as dominant as me”) and i unintentionally made statements or answered questions with clues that i had been with other men.  neither of these seemed to bother him.  so we accept our relationship as friends.  i worry about when he asks me if i’m seeing anyone though.  i think i’ll have to tell him the truth and explain i’m seeing someone but it isn’t serious at all.  i hope he doesn’t decide to be righteous and say i can’t see someone else and still fuck him at the same time.

i guess i’m kind of operating on the assumption alex and i will have sex at some point.  we’ve got another date this weekend and i’ve got my outfit picked out.  i went killer sexy last time and i’m going comfortable, cute, and casual this time.  we’re doing an afternoon date with dinner to follow.  i suppose we might meet some of my friends later that evening.  yikes is that like introducing him to my friends?  awkward.  the girls want to meet him.

interesting enough alex is going out of his way to share things with me he knows i’ll like.  he actually ordered an entire anime series because i said i liked the first four episodes.  we’ll see how this goes.  what the hell is wrong with me?  aiden and alex are both geeks.  alex and nick both love sci fi and anime.  yikes.

it became obvious that i needed to write again when in my typical search for information i actually googled “why isn’t there any easy answer?”

the question on my mind is embarrassing.  it’s paranoid.  it’s plausible and unlikely.

i seem to have convinced myself in the last 24 hours that nick wants to get with mill.

i am disturbed that i would actually think this.  disturbed it would actually be suggested by one of the guys.  disturbed that nick looked embarrassed and avoided the subject when it was brought up in front of me.

i’m ashamed that nick hasn’t told any of his friends about me.  i’m ashamed because that makes me think he is ashamed of me.  i’m ashamed because i think i’m not sexy.

i’m sad i don’t like alex as much as he likes me.  i’m sad that i feel like i’m settling a little for a companion.  i’m sad that i could break his heart when he finds out that i don’t really want him.  i’m only slightly concerned that he’ll want to make our relationship official.  i get the impression that he doesn’t have the courage to make such demands.

i’m concerned by my strong desire to see and sleep with aiden.  didn’t really see that one coming did you?  he’s taking me to a movie and dinner tomorrow night.  if he picks me up then i’ll probably invite him in.  i want to kiss him.  i want to touch him.  i want to straddle him and have him run his hands all over my skin.  i want to see his cock again.  i want to touch him.  i want to taste him.  i want to taste his mouth.  taste his skin.  lavish his body with kisses.

lately every time i think of aiden i feel this intense arousal.  especially when i’m around him.  we had a late night conversation and i discovered that he has only had sex with someone else once.  i’m depressed i’ve only had sex with someone else five times since i was last with aiden.  i discovered that we both still find each other ridiculously sexually attractive.

which immediately brings me back to thoughts of nick.

thoughts of how eventually i’ll fuck alex.

thoughts of how i wanted to fuck nick when we had our sick little psuedo relationship.

thoughts of whether or not sex with alex will be any good.

thoughts of how nick wants to sleep with mill.

that last one isn’t a fact but it was briefly implied by one of his friends at happy hour.  this is disturbing because nick is best friends with mill’s long time on again off again boyfriend.  who is admittedly in south america.  meaning maybe mill is free game?

my friends posted pictures on facebook of a group of them traveling to another city to visit someone.  these are nick’s friends.  the friends i thought liked me too.  i was surprised to see mill in the pictures.  then crushed.  i still feel a twist of disgust in my stomach thinking about it.  they actively didn’t invite me. they actively invited mill.  it felt like i’d been replaced because i was there first and now i was excluded.

i suspected this had something to do with the night i threw myself at nick.

that’s the night i’ve been meaning to write about.  it was a small party to celebrate my birthday.  i suggested shots.  drank many shots.  embarrassed myself.  nick came into my bedroom that night to tell me goodnight and i pulled him into bed.  being drunk and dominant i demanded he fuck me.  he declined because i was too drunk.  he rejected me so i tried all my tricks to get him to fuck me.  tried to take of his clothes which didn’t work that well because of my impaired fine motor skills.  i did get his cock out of his pants though and started to blow him which he moaned in pleasure for a few moments before pushing me away and telling me it was wrong because i didn’t know what i was doing.  it was true.  i don’t remember much of the evening yet somehow the humiliation of throwing myself at nick and being repeatedly rejected was all too vivid.

the ultimate humiliation was when i took off my pants while nick was in the bathroom.  straddled him while he accused me of trying to rape him.  took off my shirt.  took off my bra.  was still rejected.

i actually cried myself to sleep when he left.  probably because i knew i had just lost any dignity i had left.  it was pathetic.

the next day i sent him an apology text.  he replied that it was water under the bridge and said he hoped my hangover wasn’t too bad and that was it.  i didn’t even text him back to let him know how i was.

we didn’t talk once for three weeks.  on thursday i went to lunch with mill and cage.  never told mill that i saw the pictures of her with my friends without me.  i never believe in telling people what they can and can’t do or who they can and can’t see so i never mentioned it.  i was just seriously hurt by it.  after lunch we all went back to school and as i was walking into the building with cage i saw mill was talking to a guy who turned and i realized it was nick who was also on campus.  i waved initially at mill but also somewhat at nick.  nick waved back and mill gave a small wave.

that night nick invited me to happy hour the next day.  it had been three weeks since the event of my shame so i figured it was time to socialize again.  also if this was a gesture of peace or friendship i wanted to accept it.

i suggested a martini bar with free snacks during happy hour and everyone loved my choice.  things seemed awkward with the group a little bit and it was probably because nick is first and foremost their friend.  it’s quite possible they knew nick had been avoiding me.  i kept the martinis coming.  i made some confident eye contact with nick but also couldn’t control my occasionally shifting gaze that avoided his.

it was during happy hour that nick asked me if mill was coming.  i said i didn’t know that i hadn’t talked with her.  that was when one of his buddies made some offhanded comment to nick that made him smile uncomfortably and attempt to deny whatever had been said.  i didn’t actually hear what was said but the subtext involved nick wanting mill and it doesn’t really surprise me because she is so attractive.  i pretended i didn’t hear anything instead of participating in the conversation.  i got the horrible feeling that nick was denying the insinuation because of my presence.  of course he should probably be ashamed since she is his best friend’s ex girlfriend.

i’m not really upset about it just a little uncomfortable.  especially if this dalliance is real because mill knows nick and i slept together.  she asked me point blank a week after it happened and in my shock i didn’t know what else to do but tell the truth.  i didn’t deny it.

sometimes i think about how nick insisted i go home with him when i was so very drunk.

other times i think of riding him the next morning in the dark when i was only a little tipsy and much more sober.  i think of how i woke up in his bed and he cuddled me before suggesting a quickie.  i think about how i could have run away like a true one night stand.

i think about how he called me a day or two later and left me a silly message.

i think about how he has tremendous skill at manipulation and how he probably wanted me to think he liked me.  i didn’t believe it at all at the time.  it’s only the hindsight that makes me wonder.  wren and yukon suggest that nick refused to sleep with me that night because i was in fact too drunk and that he did it because he liked me and respected me.  i emphatically disagreed.

when i apologized to him the next day i also told him my actions were wrong.  that it would never happen again and that i was sorry.  in my mind i meant i would never try to seduce him again but secretly i would accept him seducing me.  although i suspect it was interpreted as we will never be alone in bed again because it is wrong.

i almost think it is wrong to sleep with aiden even though i want to.  what if we just had some fun mutual masturbation?  that would be impossible without wanting to feel him inside of me.

so i’m going to go ahead and publish this post.  it’s a horribly confused mess of men and sexual desire.  i’m going to buy some groceries for the first time in three weeks.  i’ve been buying lattes and clothes instead of food.  it’s late but my stomach hurts and i need some food.

i have a date with alex on saturday.

so friday night i got ridiculously hammered.  i hate the thought that pictures were taken of me wasted and sweaty.  i sometimes get really sweaty on the dance floor.  especially at this one place that gets way too hot and when i’m too drunk to keep things moderate and i just go crazy.  i’m sure the pictures are horrific.

saturday night was amazing.  thirteen of my favorite people.  nick and i were the only single people there.  everyone else was a couple.  and last night more than any night before it felt that way.  the boys and the girls kind of split into boys and girls parties.  it’s nice we’re all friends and no one sticks close by their significant other.  the only problem was when the boys and girls would mingle it seemed as though everyone was touching their partner.  in intimate thigh rubbing back stroking neck playing kinds of ways.  there i was single.  not looking at nick.  keeping him in the corner of my eye.  i wondered if nick was still single.  if he ever gets a serious girlfriend how will she be introduced to the group?  will she be added as a friend and then develop into a girlfriend?  i haven’t been around long enough to see how our group handles new relationships.  or break ups for that matter.  i discussed with wren last night that we suspect everyone thinks i kissed nick just that one night.  which is far from the actual case.

due to my crazy friday night and my hang over saturday morning i took it easy saturday night.  i was still able to have an awesome time sober.  it worked out well that i was able to be the designated driver for the birthday boy and cage.  as we were preparing to leave for the after party nick came up to me and asked me about my favorite trilogy.  i was a little annoyed and amused.  he obviously picked a topic that he thought would engage me in conversation.  i’m ashamed to say i might have wandered away from him.  it was just a weird topic.  every time he drops the title of one of my favorite books that is listed on my facebook profile i get suspicious.  last time we were in bed he mentioned east of eden and i called him on it.

it was interesting that it was an active move to talk to me.  nick and i have never been active about anything.  the only thing we were active about was making out when i invited him to my place this spring.  those were nice evenings.  shame it didn’t work.  not my fault though.  i’ve got to be honest about that.

the after party was a lot of fun.  all of the guys took off their shirts.  i don’t know why.  they’re all quite handsome.  it was random and they kept them off for the rest of the night.  the girls had lots of chatting time.  we played some video games.  drank beer and sat on beck’s third story deck.  had long conversations while looking at the stars.  a cop came by to give us a warning that they had received a noise complaint.  it was just the girls on the deck and someone slipped inside to tell the guys to put their shirts on and be quiet.  i was standing by the door inside while beck talked to the cop.  you see we weren’t being excessively loud but the cop said our voices were carrying pretty far and because it was late we needed to go inside.  he was pretty cool about it and said he understood it was a nice night and that we obviously weren’t having a big or wild party.  at which point the guys opened the door and tried to come out until i put my palm out and pushed them back inside.  it would have screwed us over if the small party of six quiet girls on the deck were joined by the six loud drunk boys.  fortunately one of the guys was coherent enough to get my message and got the guys to turn around and close the door.  it was lucky this was just out of view of the cop.  he was nice but insistent that if he had to come back we would be getting a ticket.

inside the boys played more video games and i stretched out with the girls on beck’s bed.

nick came in and asked me why i wasn’t in the other room with the rest of the party.  i said i liked it where i was.  he pointed out that the other room had shirtless guys.  i put on a little flirty pout and pointed out this room had sexy blonde women lying on a bed.  he acknowledged my point.

at three in the morning i drove cage and birthday boy home.  they made me laugh the entire way.  birthday boy did not wear his shirt on the way home.  he also left his wallet and cell in my back seat.  birthday boy was very drunk but he always makes me laugh.

he said something sweet and interesting.  it warmed me and made me feel good.  he said the party seems to follow me.  i questioned this assertion but he insisted he really thought that.  he said that whenever the group hangs out without me it’s never quite as crazy wild fun.  it made me feel better to think that people have a good time in my presence.  i’m not saying i’m responsible for the fun but i like to think i’m a contributing factor.  it also assuages the feelings of exclusion i’ve had on occasion.

cage was drunk and sounded ridiculous last night.  she was trying to have a sober conversation with me.  i was sober and she was drunk and it was obvious but i love her anyway.

nick texted me sweet dreams later that morning.  very random.  sometimes i wonder if i’m attracted to him because of an inherent chemistry or if i’m just lonely.  i suspect both.  i haven’t succumbed yet.  i’m a little nervous for when we go in on a keg together for james’ going away party though …

time for a very quick update before yukon picks me up for dinner.

aiden and i went to dinner last week.  went for a maybe four mile walk together.  then i let the words “get high together” slip past my lips.

we lit up.  my body language screamed don’t touch me.  i couldn’t stop thinking about us which had everything to do with the cannabis and his presence.

towards the end of the night i let him share a couch with me so we were spooning.  he gently kissed the back of my neck but stopped.  i felt a heat burning inside of me.  like a radiant heat but not a sweaty heat.  again has to do with the lovely cannabis.  it reminded me too much of how i felt the last time we were high together.  when i had the best sex of my life.  so i forced myself to think of him fucking another woman in complete ecstasy.  i have to think of him really enjoying it.  like filthy grins and eyes closed with a furrowed brow and lips parted as he groans while he fucks her.  when i’m alone it almost makes me hot.  when i’m with him it does a great job of killing the heat.  i told him that’s what i was thinking about.  he sounded upset.  i rolled my eyes.

of course that thought didn’t stop me from getting off after he left.

we didn’t kiss.  he did kiss my neck but it was pretty mild.  he had the perfect opportunity to drive me wild and want to fuck him.  my neck was right there and he knows i have a sensitive neck.  except he’s a perfect gentleman.  i respected his restraint.  i also felt slightly derisive of it.  that was partially always why we broke up.  on the rare occasion that he took me like a man should take a woman i loved him more than ever.  more often than not it was my instigation.  i got bored with that.

he told me that night that he missed me.  he worded it funny in a way that made my entire body tense up.  i laughed at the tension but i remembered how anxious the thought of getting back together made me.

the night before we had run into each other downtown.  i had a bachelorette he had a bachelor party.  we both knew we were going to be downtown.  i obsessed a little about how i looked.  i wondered aloud to a friend if he still thought i was sexy or if he still wanted me.

she asked, “do you want him back?”  i realized the answer was no.  then i was at ease.

i might not have a boyfriend.  i may not have a sex life anymore.  i do however have myself.

i am damn fine and i plan to be proud of the way i live.

yukon will be here shortly and we’re going to my favorite restaurant and will hopefully drink my favorite beer if it is still on tap.  then i’m meeting up with a friend of mine and her friend who thinks i’m her friend.  it’s a little silly i’m usually not very impressed by people who do the latching thing.  then we’re going dancing.  i’ll probably look like hell at the end of the night.  i hope to have fun though.

tomorrow morning is the farmer’s market with yukon then a few errands.  perhaps going to school to work on paperwork except i think i would much rather watch a matinee with yukon.  then tomorrow night is a surprise birthday party for cage’s husband.  funny that cage knows i made out with the best man but not that i got naked with another groomsman.  which of course means nick will be at this party.  i am going to look damn sexy.

i am however quite secure in the knowledge that nick is not for me.

it’s just that i sometimes forget that fact when i’ve been drinking.