Perfectly Flawed

i suppose i could start with nick.  i don’t have to but i might as well.  fortunately i wasn’t emotionally invested in our relationship.  unfortunately i was physically invested and so i’ve been using my vibrator a lot lately.  at least i am well grounded in the knowledge that all it took to replace him was a sex toy.  i’m disappointed but i’m not upset.  i just don’t feel like volunteering for the sting of rejection.  let’s be honest.  i made it very clear i liked him by inviting him over to my house on multiple occasions and inviting him upstairs.  he made it very clear that he doesn’t like me.  i’m having a hard time reconciling the fact that he may try to hang out with me again.  this is far from guaranteed but it is a real possibility.  this has happened twice now.  if i let it happen a third time i’m a fool.

i went on a date with aiden tuesday night.  good to see him.  i expected him to look devastatingly sexy but he only looked like my best friend of five years and lover for three and a half.  we went to dinner.  we chatted.  made each other laugh.  i looked at him and thought about the fact that he had slept with someone else.  tried to accept the fact that he kisses and caresses and orgasms with other women.  i get the feeling he’s had additional causal sexual experiences.  part of me doesn’t think he’s that kind of man but another part of me understands that i made sure he was a very sexual individual before i left him.  i wondered if he was dating someone.  thought it was possible.  i thought about me sleeping with someone else and it wasn’t strange.

i’m worried that i might get a little competitive with aiden when it comes to fucking other people.  i think that while i wanted to have casual sex in march there was a significant desire to fuck someone else because aiden had fucked someone else.  on tuesday i didn’t want to know if he had slept with anymore women because i’m a little afraid that would drive me to get naked with any number of men i’m interested in.  i could see myself sleeping with ryan this weekend if i knew aiden was having lots of sex.  part of my brain thinks “if aiden, who is a good kind responsible man, can have one night stands and casual sex then why can’t i?”

i’ve been contemplating promiscuity and casual sex a lot lately and in a slightly different light than usual.  ryan would fuck me but i’m sure wouldn’t have a relationship with me.  i’ve been told by mutual acquaintances that he isn’t looking for a girlfriend.  i’ve considered the thought of having him be someone i call when i want to get laid.  then that would bring the number of men i’ve slept with to five.  the ratio will have tipped from 2 relationships to 3 casual fucks.  four seems possibly too few but five seems definitely too many especially considering that i’m ready for some form of relationship that involves affection and intimacy.  i don’t know if i’m ready for exclusivity or anything serious but after over a year of being single i’m ready to spend lazy days in bed with someone i deeply care about.  i’ve realized that’s what i miss most about aiden.  having my best friend naked and laughing in bed with me.  i know i can have that with someone else.  aiden was special and comfortable and stable and knew every way to please me so when i get lonely i miss him even though it isn’t him i’m missing.

it kind of breaks down into how many men would i be okay having sex with in my lifetime?  ten?  what if i don’t commit right away?  ten before i reach thirty?  that doesn’t sound too bad does it?  then the other question is WHY does it matter how many men i sleep with?  if i am safe (of course always safe that is not even a question) and responsible and enjoy it without getting emotionally hurt then why shouldn’t i sleep with men?  can i have sex and not be emotionally involved?  what’s interesting about my one night stand from march is that i am completely and utterly detached from him.  he called me the other day and i didn’t even care and didn’t even want to talk to him.  he’s quite nice i just so don’t give a damn.  if i had sex with nick i know i would be involved and it would be messy which has me relieved we never had sex and also wish that i’d had that experience with him.  the experience of sex that is not of messy emotional involvement.

aiden and i went to star trek.  the movie i was supposed to see with nick.  aiden had invited me to go on sunday but it didn’t work out until tuesday.  aiden was busy texting during part of the movie and i was pissed.  my imagination convinced me that he had a girlfriend that was checking on the situation.  i was able to kick my rationale brain into gear and asked him what was wrong.  i’d forgotten he had the radio tower at his work set up so that it texts him whenever it goes off air.  he was texting to get one of his employees to get it back online.  i should mention aiden now has employees beneath him and is considered boss of people.  he has the unofficial title of head of operations.  of course i’m never satisfied so i said i thought it should be an official title.  he isn’t paid much but he has a lot of money saved.  how can he still be quite the catch and has great chemistry with me in bed but isn’t the man for me?

after the movie was over we slouched down next to each other and put our heads together to talk.  our shoulders and arms touched.  my body remembers him.  i could feel my body wanting him.  i could feel my body wanting to get naked.  fortunately it was only my body and not so much my sex drive.  i’m really scared that if my libido was on full burn and my body was ready and willing that i would be unable to stop any advances from aiden.  i’m afraid that i would gasp and moan and respond with a fierce desire that totally ignores my well being and only seeks pleasure.

i don’t want to have sex with aiden.  that behavior is no longer healthy.  we had sex in early october 2008 because it had been three months since i’d last had sex and i was lonely.  we had sex in late october 2oo8 because we really liked the sex and wanted more.  we had sex in january 2009 simply because i wanted to have sex while high.  two weeks later he slept with the girl he made out with last fall.  two weeks after that he tried to have sex with me but because it wasn’t on my terms i said no.  when i found out he tried to fuck me after sleeping with another girl and not telling me about it i didn’t feel like talking to him.  i wasn’t angry.  i was just tired of the whole thing.  i sincerely wished this past weekend that he and i had had a huge fight and screamed at each other and cried and broken up with such intensity there would be no way for us to go back.  we never fought.  we kept sleeping together for two months after we stopped dating.  everything was friendly and comfortable and the same as always.  it has been far too easy to slip back into a sexual relationship over the last year.  i hope we can put that behind us but i feel as though without a current source of sex and affection i will always be attracted to aiden.

aiden and i went to a bar after the movie and shared a pitcher of beer.  we laughed and joked and told stories.  it was really comfortable.  he kept his distance at the table which was good and bad and appropriate considering i’d put my purse between us and kept my distance as well.  he teased me when i spilled beer and when i called him out he said he couldn’t help but hope that it would go between my breasts so he had to watch.  we reminisced over a few good stories and aiden avoided glossing over our past and chose to be true to ourselves and in a way honor us by acknowledging “then we had amazing sex.”  i smiled and commented on how i sure did break him in.  he was a virgin when we met.  he was comfortable with bdsm and all manner of positions and activities when i was finished with him.  we toasted.  aiden said he wanted to get high again.  i told him to call me sometime when he was in my city and we would drink a few beers and maybe light up together.  i know we would have fun.  i know we would have to keep our distance because with all inhibitions gone we would probably make a grab for each other and regret it later.  i think with a strong resolve and maybe a new fuck buddy affectionate sexual partner in place i could get intoxicated with aiden and not take off his clothes and lick every inch of his hard …

i drove him to the movie theatre where i thought his car was, forgetting it was at the restaurant.  he said he had wondered where i was going and i asked why he didn’t say anything.  he said he thought maybe i was driving into the country.  whenever we drove into the country in the past it was almost always to have sex.  i laughed heartily and then apologized for laughing at him.  he asked why i was apologizing and i said because if he was serious and had been hopeful then laughing at him was not very nice but if he was being sarcastic then it was okay.  he said somewhat strangely that he was being sarcastic.  it didn’t ring true although i don’t think he is much more comfortable with having sex than i am.  i think we both realize that despite being intensely pleasurable it is no longer healthy for us.  it’s so hard to completely give up the idea because my god is it pleasurable.  i wrote  a protected post the last time we had sex.  we went out with one hell of a bang and definitely on top.  that weekend was some of the best sex we’ve ever had together.

we looked at each other when i dropped him off.  i looked down.  i didn’t move.  he watched me carefully.  he opened the passenger car door and i put my hand gently on his cheek then dropped it.  he stepped out and got into his car.  it was an amazing night.  i think a step in the right direction despite being a horrible reminder of all the amazing sex i could be having but i’m not.

i really hoped he went home and jacked off thinking about me.  maybe looking at the naked pictures he has of me.  possibly thinking of the hundreds of times we’ve had incredible sex.  he’s a good friend and i’m glad we got together.  i looked good but i didn’t look too sexy.  i want us to move on but i want him to never forget just how damn good i am.

i’m just sad i didn’t have anybody in my bed when i got home to my city.