leaving town for a bit August 9, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, party, the man, the sex.add a comment
i am hungover. again. you’d think i would stop doing this.
nick kept his distance last night.
i hotboxed with strangers.
nick kept his distance last night except for when i went into the basement and into the room with the keg. eye contact and smiles all around between the two of us. then his roommates, the girl roommates, the crazy roommates, started kicking people out.
so i left without saying goodbye. nick texted me after i’d gotten home and was in bed. took him long enough to realize i was gone.
i made a mistake last night. i told mill nick and i slept together. i’m ashamed that i told her because this is a private matter and is meant to be kept a secret. she asked me point blank though and i was unprepared. i struggled and refused to answer until she said “i didn’t realize we didn’t talk about sex?” that was the secret phrase because then i confessed we’d done it monday when i was hammered.
i want to ask nick if we’re outright denying this. i would be okay with that. less drama that way.
however i don’t like lying. i’m not like nick in that regard. which now that i think about it he wouldn’t even think twice about denying it so maybe i should too?
so mill asked a direct question and i answered it honestly. i could and should have told her to mind her own business.
i mocked one of nick’s female roommates last night. i got into a power struggle with another. the ugly one. she doesn’t have much going for her so she has a nasty attitude to make up for it. i won the power struggle of course. i started it when i turned down the volume on the awful music she was playing. she turned it up and kept her hand near the controls after that. i tried to change the track hoping for a better song and she batted my hand away. so i unplugged the stereo and walked away.
later that night she tried playing more awful music and turned it up loud and came into the living room where i was and looked at me expecting me to rise to her provocation. i ignored her.
strange that i start and finish things but i don’t just let other people start them. that goes against a common saying “i don’t start things i finish them.” well i have the control to start things. she didn’t have the power to start anything with me.
so overall last night was not awesome. i regret telling mill i slept with nick. may have some backlash for going up against the nasty attitude roommate. she definitely won’t be liking me. hopefully nick and the guy roommates defend me when i’m not there. i have awesome parties. i serve great food. i am funny and know how to entertain. they seem to like me. i hope they really do.
the truth was i was at nick’s apartment all last night and we didn’t touch. i am going to have to take the condoms out of my purse today. makes me nervous for my upcoming birthday party. i’d kind of like to get laid again although it only happens when i’m not expecting it. my body was in prime condition last night very soft and smooth and i had on cute underwear. i knew that meant i probably wasn’t going to be having sex. i had sex with nick when i hadn’t shaved in two days, hadn’t done any personal grooming for two weeks, and was wearing the most awful plain white cotton panties.
i doubt i’ll be having sex the night of my birthday party. we’ll see. i won’t plan on it.
it was a nice evening July 26, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, life, party, the man.1 comment so far
so friday night i got ridiculously hammered. i hate the thought that pictures were taken of me wasted and sweaty. i sometimes get really sweaty on the dance floor. especially at this one place that gets way too hot and when i’m too drunk to keep things moderate and i just go crazy. i’m sure the pictures are horrific.
saturday night was amazing. thirteen of my favorite people. nick and i were the only single people there. everyone else was a couple. and last night more than any night before it felt that way. the boys and the girls kind of split into boys and girls parties. it’s nice we’re all friends and no one sticks close by their significant other. the only problem was when the boys and girls would mingle it seemed as though everyone was touching their partner. in intimate thigh rubbing back stroking neck playing kinds of ways. there i was single. not looking at nick. keeping him in the corner of my eye. i wondered if nick was still single. if he ever gets a serious girlfriend how will she be introduced to the group? will she be added as a friend and then develop into a girlfriend? i haven’t been around long enough to see how our group handles new relationships. or break ups for that matter. i discussed with wren last night that we suspect everyone thinks i kissed nick just that one night. which is far from the actual case.
due to my crazy friday night and my hang over saturday morning i took it easy saturday night. i was still able to have an awesome time sober. it worked out well that i was able to be the designated driver for the birthday boy and cage. as we were preparing to leave for the after party nick came up to me and asked me about my favorite trilogy. i was a little annoyed and amused. he obviously picked a topic that he thought would engage me in conversation. i’m ashamed to say i might have wandered away from him. it was just a weird topic. every time he drops the title of one of my favorite books that is listed on my facebook profile i get suspicious. last time we were in bed he mentioned east of eden and i called him on it.
it was interesting that it was an active move to talk to me. nick and i have never been active about anything. the only thing we were active about was making out when i invited him to my place this spring. those were nice evenings. shame it didn’t work. not my fault though. i’ve got to be honest about that.
the after party was a lot of fun. all of the guys took off their shirts. i don’t know why. they’re all quite handsome. it was random and they kept them off for the rest of the night. the girls had lots of chatting time. we played some video games. drank beer and sat on beck’s third story deck. had long conversations while looking at the stars. a cop came by to give us a warning that they had received a noise complaint. it was just the girls on the deck and someone slipped inside to tell the guys to put their shirts on and be quiet. i was standing by the door inside while beck talked to the cop. you see we weren’t being excessively loud but the cop said our voices were carrying pretty far and because it was late we needed to go inside. he was pretty cool about it and said he understood it was a nice night and that we obviously weren’t having a big or wild party. at which point the guys opened the door and tried to come out until i put my palm out and pushed them back inside. it would have screwed us over if the small party of six quiet girls on the deck were joined by the six loud drunk boys. fortunately one of the guys was coherent enough to get my message and got the guys to turn around and close the door. it was lucky this was just out of view of the cop. he was nice but insistent that if he had to come back we would be getting a ticket.
inside the boys played more video games and i stretched out with the girls on beck’s bed.
nick came in and asked me why i wasn’t in the other room with the rest of the party. i said i liked it where i was. he pointed out that the other room had shirtless guys. i put on a little flirty pout and pointed out this room had sexy blonde women lying on a bed. he acknowledged my point.
at three in the morning i drove cage and birthday boy home. they made me laugh the entire way. birthday boy did not wear his shirt on the way home. he also left his wallet and cell in my back seat. birthday boy was very drunk but he always makes me laugh.
he said something sweet and interesting. it warmed me and made me feel good. he said the party seems to follow me. i questioned this assertion but he insisted he really thought that. he said that whenever the group hangs out without me it’s never quite as crazy wild fun. it made me feel better to think that people have a good time in my presence. i’m not saying i’m responsible for the fun but i like to think i’m a contributing factor. it also assuages the feelings of exclusion i’ve had on occasion.
cage was drunk and sounded ridiculous last night. she was trying to have a sober conversation with me. i was sober and she was drunk and it was obvious but i love her anyway.
nick texted me sweet dreams later that morning. very random. sometimes i wonder if i’m attracted to him because of an inherent chemistry or if i’m just lonely. i suspect both. i haven’t succumbed yet. i’m a little nervous for when we go in on a keg together for james’ going away party though …
the brief news July 24, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, life, party.add a comment
time for a very quick update before yukon picks me up for dinner.
aiden and i went to dinner last week. went for a maybe four mile walk together. then i let the words “get high together” slip past my lips.
we lit up. my body language screamed don’t touch me. i couldn’t stop thinking about us which had everything to do with the cannabis and his presence.
towards the end of the night i let him share a couch with me so we were spooning. he gently kissed the back of my neck but stopped. i felt a heat burning inside of me. like a radiant heat but not a sweaty heat. again has to do with the lovely cannabis. it reminded me too much of how i felt the last time we were high together. when i had the best sex of my life. so i forced myself to think of him fucking another woman in complete ecstasy. i have to think of him really enjoying it. like filthy grins and eyes closed with a furrowed brow and lips parted as he groans while he fucks her. when i’m alone it almost makes me hot. when i’m with him it does a great job of killing the heat. i told him that’s what i was thinking about. he sounded upset. i rolled my eyes.
of course that thought didn’t stop me from getting off after he left.
we didn’t kiss. he did kiss my neck but it was pretty mild. he had the perfect opportunity to drive me wild and want to fuck him. my neck was right there and he knows i have a sensitive neck. except he’s a perfect gentleman. i respected his restraint. i also felt slightly derisive of it. that was partially always why we broke up. on the rare occasion that he took me like a man should take a woman i loved him more than ever. more often than not it was my instigation. i got bored with that.
he told me that night that he missed me. he worded it funny in a way that made my entire body tense up. i laughed at the tension but i remembered how anxious the thought of getting back together made me.
the night before we had run into each other downtown. i had a bachelorette he had a bachelor party. we both knew we were going to be downtown. i obsessed a little about how i looked. i wondered aloud to a friend if he still thought i was sexy or if he still wanted me.
she asked, “do you want him back?” i realized the answer was no. then i was at ease.
i might not have a boyfriend. i may not have a sex life anymore. i do however have myself.
i am damn fine and i plan to be proud of the way i live.
yukon will be here shortly and we’re going to my favorite restaurant and will hopefully drink my favorite beer if it is still on tap. then i’m meeting up with a friend of mine and her friend who thinks i’m her friend. it’s a little silly i’m usually not very impressed by people who do the latching thing. then we’re going dancing. i’ll probably look like hell at the end of the night. i hope to have fun though.
tomorrow morning is the farmer’s market with yukon then a few errands. perhaps going to school to work on paperwork except i think i would much rather watch a matinee with yukon. then tomorrow night is a surprise birthday party for cage’s husband. funny that cage knows i made out with the best man but not that i got naked with another groomsman. which of course means nick will be at this party. i am going to look damn sexy.
i am however quite secure in the knowledge that nick is not for me.
it’s just that i sometimes forget that fact when i’ve been drinking.
this isn’t exactly a good feeling July 2, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, party, the man, the men, the sex.add a comment
how did an invitation to happy hour and four invitations (including a date) for friday night result in me feeling lonely?
i’m pretty sure it isn’t supposed to work that way. long day at the grad school. i was super excited for the prospect of happy hour with my friends except cage didn’t answer my call or respond to my text and tonight she’s my invite. i don’t adhere quite so strongly to the invite rule now that i’m so close with everyone but occasionally i need to know i’m wanted before i make an appearance. usually someone from the gang will let me know what and when and where. it always feels good to be wanted by several different individuals in our group.
on occasion nick would be the one doing the inviting. i’ve ignored him since the little “oh we’re naked again” incident. i haven’t avoided just ignored. there’s a difference. i keep imagining him asking why. i think about different answers. trouble is i know he doesn’t really care.
so i suspect the happy hour meet up was tonight. it was left terribly unclear by cage since typically they gather on friday afternoons. i think they might be having fun without me. it would be interesting to see nick. i kind of like having the power to ignore him despite wanting to fuck him. i sure hope he wants to fuck me. that would make it all the better that i’m not going to fuck him.
i hope i didn’t just jinx myself. i hope i don’t end up writing a self loathing and satisfied post about any sex we may have.
i want to look him in the eye and let him know he doesn’t have me. he never did and because of his stupidity and immaturity he never will. i want him to look away from me because i’m the dominant bitch. i don’t avoid him because i’m scared i ignore him because he doesn’t deserve the attention. you can see it in my eyes. a mocking glimmer in my eyes and a smirking grin on my full pink lips. i warned him. a kiss is not a contract. he never had me.
poor pathetic boy thinks he’s a man and in control. i used to think he was a man before i realized how romantically impotent he was. it’s sad he was too blind to realize what we could have had. fantastic sex. geek movie nights. delicious dark beer. no commitment just respect.
it isn’t too much to ask for respect. he was lucky to catch me drunk and frisky that night. that incident helps me to understand his true colors.
i wonder sometimes if it would even be possible for him to return to my favor. however i believe the requirements are beyond him. i’d have to say five expensive dates and a month and a half of perfect behavior. it would take some major convincing. of course if he pulled those things off he’d be rewarded with very passionate sex. frequently. interspersed with blow jobs.
instead he remains someone i despise despite the sexual attraction and chemistry.
i know i’m desirable and i don’t have to waste my time with someone who isn’t going to give me what i want nor meet my expectations.
alex asked me on another date. that would be our fourth. he might be amusing to fool around with but i’m proceeding exceedingly carefully. i sense the drama and don’t want to get involved. the ex and the ex’s son make for a major turn off. doesn’t matter that it isn’t his child he was fool enough to get entangled. that kind of stupidity is not a turn on.
tonight i’ve got an attitude and a splash of arrogance. let’s hope i’m not disappointed. i wonder how much of this is insecurity. probably just boredom.
update: it was in fact a happy hour organized by nick last night. no one went except for cage and her husband. interesting.
i relapsed into bed with nick June 16, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, party, the man, the men.3 comments
it’s true. i got naked in bed with nick again. i’m really disappointed in myself.
we’ve seen quite a lot of each other lately. entirely in a friends only capacity and never alone just the two of us. of course i stopped inviting him over and it is quite telling that he hasn’t bothered to invite me out either. we don’t message each other like we used to. it’s perfectly clear that he isn’t into me.
to be honest i avoid him. i’m friendly and nice and pleasant just somewhat disengaged. even when it looks like he kind of wants to talk with me i quietly slip away without anyone noticing. that’s the beauty of our group of friends being so large. if i don’t want to talk to him i can step into another room and chat with my friends there. i avoid him because i don’t want to be alone with him. i avoid him because i don’t like any intimations about the intimate moments we’ve shared. i avoid him because i know there is no way we will ever have a functioning relationship. i still wonder sometimes how that month in april worked so well for us. we saw each other every weekend. i remember knowing the first night we kissed in 2009 that it was a bad idea.
this weekend was cage’s wedding. of course nick was a groomsmen and i was a bridesmaid. we had the rehearsal dinner the night before. i was both hoping and fearing that i would be escorted out of the church by nick. part of me wanted to touch him and the other part of me was terrified of being with him.
i didn’t walk down the aisle with nick. instead i walked with dan who i’ve mentioned before. i have to say i heart dan. i like to think of us as being pretty good friends. there is no physical attraction there although i think he is a very handsome man maybe even somewhat sexy. i’ve developed a lot of affection for him. i’m good friends with his girlfriend but sometimes i think i almost like him more. however they both have their flaws. dan was happy to walk with me and i was happy to walk with dan. at the reception dan and i slow danced for two songs. it was really very nice.
the wedding was gorgeous. the church was incredibly beautiful and i’m not even really a fan of churches. i thought i might cry but i didn’t. everyone blew bubbles as cage and her new husband exited the church. we all got on a trolly and rode downtown before the reception.
the reception hall was amazing. i can’t emphasize enough that this wedding was the best wedding and reception i’ve ever been to. all of my best friends were there. most of them were in the wedding. the food was good the beer was free the music perfect.
i looked damn fine. an incredibly flattering and sexy black dress. killer black four inch strappy fuck me please heels. my normally straight hair styled into bouncy curls. my skin a perfect golden to compliment my naturally blonde hair. my teeth were white and my skin clear. my make up was dramatic yet appropriate.
nick never asked me to dance. i felt rather sharply the truth that he just isn’t that into me. i danced with some boys. mostly my guy friends. a few strangers. most of the music was excellent group dancing music so the dance floor was buzzing with all my friends and a nice variety of all ages. the reception was well attended just not by many young single men.
at one strange and random moment nick put his arm around my waist and squeezed me tight against him then let go. i danced with him just as i danced with my other guy friends who happen to have significant others. so it wasn’t too serious. i was a little baffled though. not even pleasantly surprised. just confused.
don’t stop believin by journey came on and nick looked ridiculously excited and i shrieked. it’s embarrassing how we get around journey when we’ve been drinking. i grabbed him and shouted a comment in his ear. it was the first time all night i’d actually reached and touched him.
the night ended far too soon. so we worked out an after party. half the group was going to a liquor store while half the group was going to various bars for a drink before last call. i went downtown with another bridesmaid. drank a shot of whiskey. walked to the hotel and found the room where the after party was being held.
everything at the hotel room was a bit strange. some people i didn’t really know were there. nick was there. dan was there. dan isolated himself in the bedroom and cried. i checked on him. he grinned at me through his tears and said i was sweet. apparently he’d gotten into a fight with his girlfriend and his brother that night. never a good feeling.
i wandered out into the hallway over looking the massive atrium. there was a stranger there i thought might have been from the wedding since there were other people there i didn’t know. he wasn’t with our wedding. we chatted for a short while. then we started kissing. then we started making out. i had no idea where nick was at this point in time. he apparently was in a position to watch me make out with this attractive stranger for a short while. which means he watched me.
it got to the point where the attractive stranger was touching me through my black panties. it got to the point where he lifted my leg up onto the railing behind him. it got up to the point where he pulled my hair and grazed his teeth across my bare neck. he pulled my hair a little harder and i whimpered. a sexy whimper but already i knew he was going to be too dominant for a one night stand. i love being dominated in a steady relationship but when it comes to one night stands i like to be in control.
he invited me upstairs for a drink and he said he had crown and it sounded delicious and i hadn’t been laid in three months and i wanted to but a little voice in me knew better. i hadn’t known him for more than 30 minutes i couldn’t fuck him. especially not a stranger that was already aggressive in public. i pulled away and started verbally backpedaling followed soon by physical backpedaling and then followed by abruptly saying goodnight.
i very quickly stepped into the hotel room and locked the door behind me. nick seemed a little shocked. i was grinning. he said he thought i was going to leave with that guy and i smiled a little naughtily and said, “he just didn’t do it for me.” nick made a comment about making that guy all hot and bothered then walking away. i smiled and shrugged and said i could do whatever i wanted and that a kiss was not a contract. there were two other people still in the room. the best man was trying to get with this girl who already had a boyfriend but she was a bit of a slut.
after about five minutes stranger man knocked and i hid behind the door while nick answered for me. attractive stranger asked if kate could i come to the door and i whispered to nick, “NO.” nick made an excuse for me. then stepped outside and began to chat with the gentleman. not sure why. maybe he felt bad about closing the door on him too? then the only other girl left went outside. i watched through the peephole as she put her arm around nick’s waist. i told the best man that he needed to go get his woman because he didn’t have her tied up quite yet. the best man said all he wanted was to kiss her. the best man had wrapped his arms around me earlier so i said i would give him a kiss. it was a short and rather sweet kiss that lasted about 20 seconds. he wasn’t all that attractive but i suppose this is proof that i was feeling frisky. i sent best man to go out and get his woman. i lied down on the couch and got comfy.
before i knew it attractive stranger had pushed the door open and was in the room with his hand on my back and his face next to my pillow asking if he could spend some time with me. i said i was too tired. i was too sleepy. i didn’t like the situation. i then called out “where’s nick?” i think i may have said it with a slight note of desperation. nick walked through the room to get something and i stuck out my foot and waved it frantically. nick kindly told the guy that it was time to call it a night and the guy quietly left. the best man and slut seemed to have disappeared. i was happy for him.
so it was just me and nick. alone again in a hotel room. there was another groomsmen passed out in the bedroom. nick and i agreed we couldn’t drive and decided to stay the night on the pull out sofa. i went into the bathroom and stripped off my dress and my bra and my jewelry and put on a pair of soft gym shorts and a black tank top. when i came back out nick was wearing his undershirt and his boxers and was getting the sofa bed set up. so far i was fine with this and wasn’t concerned. i think at this point i was still treating things as us just being friends and this was just the way things were.
i arranged the sheets and the pillows as he took his turn in the bathroom. he came out and shut the bedroom door so that we wouldn’t disturb the sleeping groomsmen. together we got into bed. under the covers. it seemed kind of personal and intimate. the tv was on and we were watching the last of gladiator. the sofa bed was ridiculously uncomfortable. so with a sigh i gave in and cuddled up to him as he was soft and warm and much more snugglable than my pathetic pillow. he immediately wrapped his arm around me. he was warm. very comfortable. i liked that position immensely.
when the movie was over he turned it off and i rolled away from him onto my side so my back was facing him. he immediately cuddled up behind me. i still thought it was comfortable but i think i already knew things were headed in a certain direction. my back was to him however and my eyes were closed. somehow nick managed to mention he didn’t know if he’d be able to sleep there. i asked why and he made a comment about rarely sleeping in a shirt and he may have mumbled something about boxers. i didn’t care if he was in a shirt or not so i said with disinterest to wear whatever he was most comfortable in.
i think i should have known he would get naked. i kind of thought the boxers comment was him being suggestive i didn’t think it was him being explicit. he cuddled me wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly with his hand on my hip where my soft skin was exposed. i could feel his erection. i asked if had kept his boxers on and as i reached to lightly touch his hip he told me no. i was half turned to him and somehow it was all too easy for me to turn the last bit and kiss him on the lips. i turned around in bed and we kissed more passionately. i told him i wasn’t going to fuck him. we made out. i wasn’t wasted but still a little intoxicated.
i don’t remember my shorts coming off. i remember him trying to get me on top of him but not doing a very good job of it and i made fun of him for it before smoothly climbing on top. he rubbed his cock against my panties as if he was fucking me and i wanted it. he tried to pull my panties off but of course with spread legs that doesn’t work. at some point he flipped me over and i think that’s when my panties came off. i don’t really remember. i had gotten a hold of his cock and he touched my pussy. every time before when he has touched me i’ve never tolerated it for very long. it’s almost as though i’m impatient and don’t even want to bother with the learning curve for a while.
this time however, the alcohol made me stretch back and let him finger me until i was moaning and my body was writhing. i had a hand on his cock. he made me come. he got between my legs and i reiterated that i wasn’t going to fuck him. i kept my hand on his cock. he asked if i was worried and i suppose i trusted him because i took my hand away. he rubbed against my clit then his cock slipped down to my pussy. he pulled away and his cock bounced back up to my clit before sliding down to my pussy again. i stopped moving. he knew something was wrong. he asked if that was too close and i said yes so he adjusted himself so his cock was more at my hip. he then rolled off of me.
we kissed and since i had orgasmed i was now more focused on his cock. i was stroking it and jacking him off when i felt a small pressure on my shoulder. i ignored it. a while later i felt another small pressure. i again ignored it. the third time i felt a small push i told him he was not being subtle and i got that he wanted me to suck his cock. i licked it. i fondled his balls. i ran my tongue up and down then swallowed him whole and did my best to deep throat him. i began to blow him. i’d like to hope with some skill. he seemed to enjoy it. after a while he told me he was coming and i slurped and swallowed and licked his cock. not long after that he offered me a glass of water.
once back in bed we didn’t really touch. i realized with no alarm just clarity that nick cuddles because it gets him physical action. he had no reason to cuddle me after the fact. we chatted in bed for a while. we basically babbled at each other. he actually brought up his ex. at least i think they aren’t dating. i made some comments asked some questions.
after a bit we agreed it would be good to go home. there was no way in hell i was going to be able to sleep on that sofa bed. we got dressed. he put on his boxers i put on my black panties. together we gathered our stuff and grabbed the cooler and left the nice hotel at almost six in the morning. i fell back into our just friends routine only too quickly. i suspect he did too but i wasn’t really paying attention. once we left the room it was like it hadn’t happened. as he drove me to my car i commented that we have an odd friendship. he disagreed. he said it wasn’t peculiar. i don’t remember if he said whether or not it was bad. he made a comment about everybody being sexual beings. it seemed kind of a bull crap answer.
my pussy was a little sore the next day from having him finger fuck me so vigorously. i thought about him talking about another woman while we were naked in bed together was a sure sign he wasn’t interested. i remembered babbling about having sex being a bad idea and him asking why it was a bad idea and basically repeating the question back to each other hoping someone would reveal something interesting. i oversimplified by saying it would complicate things. at one point he repeated it back to me.
i regret it. i suspect i may always be a little attracted to nick for inexplicable reasons but i’ve given him two chances. i can’t give him anymore. he would have to do something damn spectacular to get me back and i know he won’t. i feel like he may have gotten naked with whomever was left at the end of the night. i feel like he consciously wanted some form of sex which is why he got naked so quickly. i remind myself that he stripped naked. that isn’t sexy it’s desperate.
i feel like it has nothing to do with me and i’m just convenient. i feel like i let myself be used by a man that isn’t into me. he doesn’t like me. if he did like me he would show it you know like he would ask me on a date or invite me places. i’ve tried to accept this. sometimes it doesn’t change the fact that i want to fuck him. i work out explanations in my mind why i can’t sleep with him. i think of what i would say to him.
“you’ve made it very clear that you’re not actually into me. you don’t like me as anything more than a friend. i don’t need to waste my time with guys who don’t want to be with me. if i want casual sex i’ll sleep with someone who isn’t best friends with my best friends. i can have meaningless sex with anyone. why would i have it with you?” that’s supposed to be a rhetorical question by the way. i’m convinced he’d be mind blowing in bed.
i never wanted to be his girlfriend. i never wanted him to be my boyfriend. i wanted to date him. i wanted to have a relationship. a relationship built on friendship and affection and great sex. you can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t actually care about you. i thought he did. his actions proved me wrong. i didn’t even want monogamy just trust and honesty. i like to think he missed out on a great opportunity. he could have fucked me on the regular and i would have disappeared when it was time for us to study. grad school keeps me from being serious after all. okay let’s be honest i might even be a little commitment phobic myself.
alex seems to want me. i’m thinking about sleeping with him on our next date this friday. i like to think i wait to have sex with guys i’m really interested in. you can figure out then that i’m not really that interested in alex. i’m looking forward to him buying me dinner at a romantic indian restaurant. then maybe we’ll go home and i’ll get laid for the first time in three months. alex is obviously a little desperate and eager to please.
maybe i’m a little desperate. maybe we’re all a little desperate.
the last 48 hours have been crazy May 8, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, life, party, the men.add a comment
so wednesday night was my last final. i drank four beers at home with b. skipped dinner. she gave me a ride downtown. met up with my friends. learned to hate nick with a passion. decided he isn’t good enough for me. met up with my fellow grad students. bitched about nick. met up with this new boy named ryan that i totally want to sleep with. i kissed a stranger at a bar a minute after i started talking to him. i flirted with ryan. i danced with him. i got hit on by guys on the dance floor. ryan asked for my number. i kissed him on the cheek. got a ride home from a friend.
the next day i went to school and wrapped up some paperwork. it was officially all done.
last night i ate quesadillas and drank beer with b and her boy of the week that is actually a relatively nice guy. yukon came and ate quesadillas with us. then he drove us downtown to go to amateur strip night at a fantastic gay club we like. we walked to meet up with an old friend of ours. someone i had dated for a short time and made out with in high school and who is still very attractive. he was with a girl but i found out very quickly that they aren’t together.
the night ended with me kissing my old friend, kissing the girl he was with, and kissing yukon. a random acquaintance of yukon joined us on our walk home. yukon kissed him. then the acquaintance kissed me. i bit his lip but he didn’t even notice.
kissing my old friend was very nice. something i would happily do again. it was nice to kiss a girl. she kissed very softly. i had told yukon before we went to the gay club that i wanted to kiss a girl that night.
i’ve gotten hammered the last two nights but haven’t gotten to the sick omg this is miserable point of drunkness. i’ve stayed right at the i am totally intoxicated but i love it level. i’m going downtown again. i want to drink but i don’t have a designated driver to watch over me so i’d better keep it in check. the last two nights have seen me feeling and looking sexy and kissing very desirable people. i gave ryan my number. sounds like we’re going to hook up sometime. this has been an excellent way for me to forget that nick is a weak asshole.
reporting the facts April 11, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, life, party, the boy, the man, the men.add a comment
i am sick from my allergies. i wake up several times in the middle of the night because i can’t breathe. i spent thursday in bed. yet i went out for a drink with my friends on thursday night. i was the first to arrive at the bar. one drink turned into two. two turned into three. three turned into four. four turned into five and six was a shot of soco and lime washed down with my seventh drink. i emailed my instructors this morning to let them know i was sick and i took the day off and did absolutely nothing. i feel slightly feverish and like everything is filtered before it reaches my senses. i feel like i’m floating when i walk. i think it’s the allergy medicine.
everyone was there last night. i love our group.
fact is nick slightly avoided me last night. i never even had an opportunity to share a secret smile either. i was and am a little disappointed. yet i’m also glad. i hope his purpose was to be casual and not give any fuel to the rumors. i hope he is being purposefully discrete but isn’t ashamed of me. that’s the way i feel. how can i expect him to want to tell everybody what we’re doing when i don’t even want them to know? if i did want them to know i’d be upset he wasn’t being public about our relationship. i think we’re discrete because things are advancing so slowly. no need to jump the gun. i don’t feel like he’s taking advantage of me and i don’t feel like we’re hooking up. i feel like we’re developing something.
i sincerely hope that wasn’t rationalization for a fuck buddy. we don’t have sex but i’ve obviously thought about it. i do want a real relationship out of this. just not yet. not this semester. i’m not sure i could handle a serious relationship and grad school. i’m not sure he could either. am i still rationalizing something i shouldn’t be? i don’t think so. i just don’t want to think there is more there than there really is. because i do think something is there. i’m just taking it easy and taking it slow.
yuck what a mouthful. i also wanted to say nick and i have been in touch almost every day for the last month. i’ve never seen him socialize this much before and he said this semester is the worst semester of law school. something has definitely changed and i don’t know what.
my parents are coming tomorrow. my house is a mess. i have a lot to do that i don’t feel like doing.
i love roksopp and 3oh!3 right now. they are my favorite songs of the moment.
justin timberlake and london bridges will always remind me of summer 2006 when i first moved to my city. the bird and the bee will always remind me of winter 2007 and my christmas party that year. i was still with aiden although for not much longer. nick was at that party before i really got to know him. mgmt and mark farina will always remind me of summer 2008. i think roksopp will remind me of spring 2009 and i think 3oh!3 will be the summer anthem of the year. dream machine reminds me of a night i spent with aiden after a weekend with the girls. when he told me he missed me and my excellent and eclectic taste in music. when he asked if i still watched my favorite anime show.
allergy medicine is kicking in. my eyes feel heavy. hopefully i dream peaceful dreams and don’t wake up with my chest seizing up.
i technically have four people who are candidates to live with me this summer or fall. that’s good news. we’ll see how it goes.
that party last night was awfully crazy March 29, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, party, the house, the man, the men, the sex.add a comment
funny my last post was about casual sex. i’ll get to that part in a minute.
i threw an awesome party on friday night. seventeen of my favorite people came over for a very casual get together. the guys played golf on the wii, the girls chatted in my bedroom, a few couples congregated around the snacks in the kitchen, and everyone had a drink in their hand. nick was there.
nick was actually the first to arrive. one of the last to leave. we had a really great time together and the secret smiles and private conversations made me very happy. he sought me out when i was in another room and somehow we often ended up sitting next to each other. something very strange though. when mill arrived to the party he said, “mill!” i was momentarily surprised because he didn’t say her real name he said the name i use on this blog. i don’t think he reads this although there is a real possibility that he found the bookmark in my browser especially since i remember him looking at my links. i think the much more reasonable answer is that he randomly came up with the name mill. it is after all a simple combination of letters from her real name.
the party lasted all night long. some groups played buzzword and some played jenga. a lot of card games were played. by three in the morning it was down to six people. me, nick, mike, dan, wren, and wren’s boyfriend. i loved when nick got up to eat some chips and i had him bring them back to the table for us to snack on and i got out three of my 100 calorie packs of guacamole to share. eventually someone suggested we leave and go somewhere so we decided to go out to eat at a late night diner. i didn’t realize at the time that six of us were going to be riding in nick’s vehicle which only has four seats. so because nick was driving i ended up sitting in mike’s lap. maybe it’s important to mention that at this point in time i am smashed. definitely impaired judgement and very poor coordination.
i forgot my wallet on this little adventure to the restaurant. i remember nick protesting slightly when everyone just sat down and he didn’t end up next to me. i ordered what nick and wren ordered. when the waiter asked me how i wanted my eggs i remember asking, “i have to make decisions?” i got my eggs sunny side up and a raspberry muffin. at some point while we were eating i remembered i didn’t have my wallet. i asked wren to pay for it and told her i would pay her back but she declined. mike was next to me so i put my hand on his leg and asked him for a favor asked if he could pay for me. he was very sweet about it and said yeah sure it was fine no problem.
around this time a crazy man started shouting and our table pretended not to notice. the police were called. it was all very dramatic i’m sure.
on the ride back to my house i put my arm around mike’s neck. he put his hand on my leg. i do not remember this but apparently i whispered to wren, “mike is rubbing my thigh.” i’m sincerely hoping i really did whisper that and no one else heard. although i’m quite certain the guys we were sitting on at the time probably did hear.
our party arrived back at my house and nick said he was going to go home. everyone else walked down the path to go inside and i stayed behind to say goodbye. i don’t remember if i waited for everyone to go inside i can only assume i did. i do remember not kissing him right away and in fact standing a few feet away as is appropriate. a few moments later i think i wrapped my arms around his neck and we kissed. if my memory is right it was one of those beautiful kisses when you both move for each other at the same time then your lips collide in a lovely “i really want to be kissing you” way. at least that’s how i perceived it. i was very drunk so i hope it wasn’t terribly sloppy. although in all reality it probably very was. i kissed his neck and i nibbled his ear and i said, “come inside.” i really wanted him in my bed. he told me he couldn’t and pointed out that i had guests. which was true. i wish i’d paid a lot more attention to that fact. i’m pretty sure i asked him to come inside half a dozen times as i rubbed my hands over his chest and back and kissed his neck and lips and ear. i asked him to come inside and he said that if he came inside he would want to do things to me and he couldn’t do that. i asked why. he said because i had told him to take things slow. i told him that wasn’t true even though i did say that in not so many words the last time we kissed and i started to get that crazy tingling feeling. i’d spent the week imagining him in his boxers and me in my panties so i really did want him to come inside. not to have sex but to make out and feel his warm body against my skin. he told me our friends were looking through the blinds. i wish i’d paid attention to that too. i don’t think i did whatsoever. strange thing is i don’t think he did anything about it either. in a way i’m glad he didn’t but i had really hoped for a discrete relationship for the foreseeable future. especially because of being in the wedding party together. i probably made out with him for five minutes.
while our friends waited inside for me. while mike waited inside for me. while dan peeked through the windows and i assume saw us kissing. dan is the one who saw mike with his arm around me last weekend. dan looked through the blinds and saw me with nick then said “good for nick!” then looked at mike and said “bad for you.” that’s what wren reported anyway. apparently mike was waiting for me to come back inside. as in everyone was getting ready to leave and mike stayed inside to wait to say goodnight to me. after he’d bought my breakfast and i’d wrapped my arms around his neck. instead i was making out with nick ignoring the fact that there were still guests inside my home. dan will undoubtedly tell people what he saw. hopefully he won’t tell them how he had thought i was going to get together with mike instead. i suppose i’ll know when the girls start quietly asking me questions. we are a group of couples after all. nick, mike, and i were the three singles. i can’t say i’m surprised it’s worked out this way.
i feel really bad about making out with nick as everyone waited and possibly watched. i sincerely regret my behavior and wish i had done something a little different. maybe told nick to wait five minutes until i had said goodnight and everyone had left? then he could have come inside. except then maybe then he would have fucked me and i would have loved it and then this “taking things slow” business will have gone to hell. i remember last summer when i called it a slow burn. i remember last summer when i was anxious, paranoid, and impulsive. i remember loving the way his cock felt. i now understand how impulsive that was. that was just two days after we had first kissed. i realize now how fast that was and how much of a warning that should have been to me and probably was to him. i remember justifying it because he had reached for my jeans first but i don’t think that’s reasonable. it’s now been three weeks since the night when i went to give him a quick kiss goodnight and we ended up making out for hours. we talk pretty regularly and have seen each other about once a week. the most that’s happened is my shirt and bra have come off and even then all he did was touch my back and hips. interestingly enough he did reach for my jeans that first night but easily accepted when i gently pushed his hand aside. i think things between us are going really well. i have to say i like that things are going slow and i like that we don’t always see each other. i like that we have a secret relationship and share private smiles when we’re with the group of friends.
but i still wanted to have causal sex didn’t i? mill’s friend from out of state had tried to sleep with me the last time he was in town a few months ago. i shot him down quite definitely and shied away from his touch the entire night. when he asked if he could come upstairs i told him no but also mentioned that i would like to see him again. he is VERY attractive and funny and friendly.
he came back to town for the weekend. i thought i was going to see him thursday night. i bought condoms. cleaned my bedroom. actually shaved my legs. turned out his flight had been delayed. of course i was preoccupied friday night with my friends, my party, and my men. so he came over late saturday night. we chatted over a beer in my living room for about 15 maybe 20 minutes. i invited him upstairs. then when we got into my bedroom i kissed him. i have never in my life kissed anyone who is shorter than me. he was probably an inch maybe two shorter. awkward. i love having to stand on my toes to kiss nick. i pushed this short man onto my bed and got on top of him. the foreplay was then on and he hadn’t been here for more than half an hour. it was very obvious what this was about. he gave great oral sex. he asked if i was clean, if i had been tested, if i was on the pill. sex the first time felt pretty good actually. nothing special and didn’t blow my mind or even give me an orgasm if we’re being honest but the oral sex had been satisfying and it felt good to have a man inside of me. he kissed me a lot. i wanted to laugh when he tried to kiss my ear while he was fucking me but couldn’t quite reach. i didn’t though. i’ll laugh about it when i tell mill later. he and i talked in bed for a long time afterwards. eventually when i was bored with talking i started kissing him again. we did it again. he asked “i wonder how tall this bed is?” at which point i got into position. he said, “ah you’ve done this before i see.” he pulled me to the very edge of the bed, put my legs up, and fucked me hard. it hurt a little which was strange for two reasons. first of all he wasn’t big enough to hurt me (which btw has me a little nervous of nick) and second of all i usually like a little pain. i guess i’ve realized the pain only works in specific situations with certain individuals. eventually we got back on the bed and he asked if i wanted to be on top and by now i was getting bored and said no. he fucked me insanely fast and i’m pretty sure i rolled my eyes at him when he wasn’t looking. finally it was over. after a little while i pretended to fall asleep to see what he would do to see if he would leave. he didn’t. so i threw his underwear at him. then the rest of his clothes. i got dressed and brushed my hair and said “i’ll take you back to your hotel now.” i forgot to mention the part in between rounds when he mentioned he had been dropped off by a mutual friend. we didn’t kiss goodbye. then again i suppose i hadn’t exactly been all that sweet to him after the sex. i didn’t cuddle him. i didn’t want to be cuddled. i kept my distance in my king size bed. if and when i sleep with nick i plan on cuddling.
so it was in essence a good experience. confirms that one night stands are not very satisfying and sex that involves meaningful intimacy is way better. it did show me that i am capable of casual sex and that if chosen carefully and done safely it isn’t something to be scared of so to speak. i don’t think i’ll be doing it again any time soon. although i am still interested in my classmate’s friend.
the funny thing about sleeping with this man? it made me look forward to sleeping with nick more than ever. i imagine it will be incredibly sexy and he will be the right mix of sweet and gentle and aggressive and rough. i imagine communicating my needs and him responding very well to my direction. i imagine him moaning as he orgasms and i suspect that will send me over the edge as well. i imagine being out of breath, sweaty, speechless, and utterly content in his arms. possibly ridiculously excited that i just slept with nick but who knows. i do know that i won’t throw his clothes at him.
a late night list December 22, 2008
Posted by skcity in life, party, the boy, the man, the men, the sex.2 comments
1) i saw nick again for the first time since august. can you believe i’ve continued to think about him as much as i have considering i haven’t even been in his presence for months? he still looked very cute. made jokes. smiled at me. looked me in the eye. i texted him the next day and asked if he wanted to hang out and he said he definitely did. i get the feeling that we will be friends whenever school isn’t in session. we don’t seem to have time for each other usually.
2) aiden got high for the first time over this past weekend. yukon told me so. yukon also told me he taunted aiden by asking when he was going to just buy a diamond and propose to me. aiden said something like “um, yeah, NO.” to be expected. yukon does it to ruffle feathers he likes making people a little uncomfortable. yukon confessed that he wished aiden and i would get back together. that we were like a power couple.
3) i reminded yukon and thus reminded myself that aiden did NOT once fight for me. never tried to keep me from leaving. never did … anything.
4) yukon told me that mj will indeed be part of my christmas present. ironic that aiden and i both are lighting up over the holidays. i feel the need to say that i started it. how immature is that?
5) i researched my state’s drug laws. very interesting.
6) i plan on lighting up if not with then in aiden’s presence because he can provide an empty house for us. thinking about bringing my air mattress.
7) thinking about sleeping with aiden. i’ve never had sex when i’ve been high.
8 ) i’ve decided (once again) that i should sleep with someone new. i’m back on to fantasizing about nick.
9) nick’s brother is still awkwardly attractive to me. his brother and i were alone in my bedroom during my party friday night and i wanted to kiss him but i didn’t. nick is a year older than me and his brother is a year younger than me.
10) i’m feeling slightly better about life. we’ll see. what a stupid post this was. you can tell because it’s a list.
quick thoughts typed in the law college library December 2, 2008
Posted by skcity in friends, life, party, the boy.1 comment so far
this jealousy thing is a bitch. it’s interesting. if i examine my emotions they aren’t anger or sadness just pure and simple possessive jealousy. how strange and annoying.
why does a part of me want to make him pay when i’m the one that broke up with him?
i forgot to mention very exciting news! my parents got me a kitchenaid mixer for christmas and gave it to me early so i don’t burn out another little hand mixer making cookies! yay! kitchenaid mixers are hardcore.
good news is i have a lot of people’s christmas gifts already.
good news is i have only a week and a half of clinic left! finals are coming up. i just completely organized EVERYTHING from classes to clients so that is satisfying. i’m procrastinating on writing my end of semester case reports for my clients even though they were due on monday. my bad. i’ll work on them tomorrow. maybe. hopefully. stupid confidential computer lab is always booked with clinicians though and makes working on them hard.
tomorrow is cage’s birthday! we’ll be doing lunch, dinner, and drinks to celebrate her birthday AND her engagement! i’m so happy for her but i’m kind of stressing about when i’ll find time to make lunch since it’s at my house.
still feel some kind of sickness that i’m ignoring. i suspect this is going to kick me on my ass very soon but until then i’m going to keep going with the late nights. still feel a little touch of panic at times.
a lot to do and i’m not sure when i’ll get it all done. i just know that i will be getting good and grand wasted when the semester is over. i also know i’m going to bake like a fiend preferably before everyone leaves for the holidays. then it’s the new year. i’m going to have to reflect on that soon. a lot has happened since last january.
