i am hungover.  again.  you’d think i would stop doing this.

nick kept his distance last night.

i hotboxed with strangers.

nick kept his distance last night except for when i went into the basement and into the room with the keg.  eye contact and smiles all around between the two of us.  then his roommates, the girl roommates, the crazy roommates, started kicking people out.

so i left without saying goodbye.  nick texted me after i’d gotten home and was in bed.  took him long enough to realize i was gone.

i made a mistake last night.  i told mill nick and i slept together.  i’m ashamed that i told her because this is a private matter and is meant to be kept a secret.  she asked me point blank though and i was unprepared.  i struggled and refused to answer until she said “i didn’t realize we didn’t talk about sex?”  that was the secret phrase because then i confessed we’d done it monday when i was hammered.

i want to ask nick if we’re outright denying this.  i would be okay with that.  less drama that way.

however i don’t like lying.  i’m not like nick in that regard.  which now that i think about it he wouldn’t even think twice about denying it so maybe i should too?

so mill asked a direct question and i answered it honestly.  i could and should have told her to mind her own business.

i mocked one of nick’s female roommates last night.  i got into a power struggle with another.  the ugly one.  she doesn’t have much going for her so she has a nasty attitude to make up for it.  i won the power struggle of course.  i started it when i turned down the volume on the awful music she was playing.  she turned it up and kept her hand near the controls after that.  i tried to change the track hoping for a better song and she batted my hand away.  so i unplugged the stereo and walked away.

later that night she tried playing more awful music and turned it up loud and came into the living room where i was and looked at me expecting me to rise to her provocation.  i ignored her.

strange that i start and finish things but i don’t just let other people start them.  that goes against a common saying “i don’t start things i finish them.”  well i have the control to start things.  she didn’t have the power to start anything with me.

so overall last night was not awesome.  i regret telling mill i slept with nick.  may have some backlash for going up against the nasty attitude roommate.  she definitely won’t be liking me.  hopefully nick and the guy roommates defend me when i’m not there.  i have awesome parties.  i serve great food.  i am funny and know how to entertain.  they seem to like me.  i hope they really do.

the truth was i was at nick’s apartment all last night and we didn’t touch.  i am going to have to take the condoms out of my purse today.  makes me nervous for my upcoming birthday party.  i’d kind of like to get laid again although it only happens when i’m not expecting it.  my body was in prime condition last night very soft and smooth and i had on cute underwear.  i knew that meant i probably wasn’t going to be having sex.  i had sex with nick when i hadn’t shaved in two days, hadn’t done any personal grooming for two weeks, and was wearing the most awful plain white cotton panties.

i doubt i’ll be having sex the night of my birthday party.  we’ll see.  i won’t plan on it.

so friday night i got ridiculously hammered.  i hate the thought that pictures were taken of me wasted and sweaty.  i sometimes get really sweaty on the dance floor.  especially at this one place that gets way too hot and when i’m too drunk to keep things moderate and i just go crazy.  i’m sure the pictures are horrific.

saturday night was amazing.  thirteen of my favorite people.  nick and i were the only single people there.  everyone else was a couple.  and last night more than any night before it felt that way.  the boys and the girls kind of split into boys and girls parties.  it’s nice we’re all friends and no one sticks close by their significant other.  the only problem was when the boys and girls would mingle it seemed as though everyone was touching their partner.  in intimate thigh rubbing back stroking neck playing kinds of ways.  there i was single.  not looking at nick.  keeping him in the corner of my eye.  i wondered if nick was still single.  if he ever gets a serious girlfriend how will she be introduced to the group?  will she be added as a friend and then develop into a girlfriend?  i haven’t been around long enough to see how our group handles new relationships.  or break ups for that matter.  i discussed with wren last night that we suspect everyone thinks i kissed nick just that one night.  which is far from the actual case.

due to my crazy friday night and my hang over saturday morning i took it easy saturday night.  i was still able to have an awesome time sober.  it worked out well that i was able to be the designated driver for the birthday boy and cage.  as we were preparing to leave for the after party nick came up to me and asked me about my favorite trilogy.  i was a little annoyed and amused.  he obviously picked a topic that he thought would engage me in conversation.  i’m ashamed to say i might have wandered away from him.  it was just a weird topic.  every time he drops the title of one of my favorite books that is listed on my facebook profile i get suspicious.  last time we were in bed he mentioned east of eden and i called him on it.

it was interesting that it was an active move to talk to me.  nick and i have never been active about anything.  the only thing we were active about was making out when i invited him to my place this spring.  those were nice evenings.  shame it didn’t work.  not my fault though.  i’ve got to be honest about that.

the after party was a lot of fun.  all of the guys took off their shirts.  i don’t know why.  they’re all quite handsome.  it was random and they kept them off for the rest of the night.  the girls had lots of chatting time.  we played some video games.  drank beer and sat on beck’s third story deck.  had long conversations while looking at the stars.  a cop came by to give us a warning that they had received a noise complaint.  it was just the girls on the deck and someone slipped inside to tell the guys to put their shirts on and be quiet.  i was standing by the door inside while beck talked to the cop.  you see we weren’t being excessively loud but the cop said our voices were carrying pretty far and because it was late we needed to go inside.  he was pretty cool about it and said he understood it was a nice night and that we obviously weren’t having a big or wild party.  at which point the guys opened the door and tried to come out until i put my palm out and pushed them back inside.  it would have screwed us over if the small party of six quiet girls on the deck were joined by the six loud drunk boys.  fortunately one of the guys was coherent enough to get my message and got the guys to turn around and close the door.  it was lucky this was just out of view of the cop.  he was nice but insistent that if he had to come back we would be getting a ticket.

inside the boys played more video games and i stretched out with the girls on beck’s bed.

nick came in and asked me why i wasn’t in the other room with the rest of the party.  i said i liked it where i was.  he pointed out that the other room had shirtless guys.  i put on a little flirty pout and pointed out this room had sexy blonde women lying on a bed.  he acknowledged my point.

at three in the morning i drove cage and birthday boy home.  they made me laugh the entire way.  birthday boy did not wear his shirt on the way home.  he also left his wallet and cell in my back seat.  birthday boy was very drunk but he always makes me laugh.

he said something sweet and interesting.  it warmed me and made me feel good.  he said the party seems to follow me.  i questioned this assertion but he insisted he really thought that.  he said that whenever the group hangs out without me it’s never quite as crazy wild fun.  it made me feel better to think that people have a good time in my presence.  i’m not saying i’m responsible for the fun but i like to think i’m a contributing factor.  it also assuages the feelings of exclusion i’ve had on occasion.

cage was drunk and sounded ridiculous last night.  she was trying to have a sober conversation with me.  i was sober and she was drunk and it was obvious but i love her anyway.

nick texted me sweet dreams later that morning.  very random.  sometimes i wonder if i’m attracted to him because of an inherent chemistry or if i’m just lonely.  i suspect both.  i haven’t succumbed yet.  i’m a little nervous for when we go in on a keg together for james’ going away party though …

time for a very quick update before yukon picks me up for dinner.

aiden and i went to dinner last week.  went for a maybe four mile walk together.  then i let the words “get high together” slip past my lips.

we lit up.  my body language screamed don’t touch me.  i couldn’t stop thinking about us which had everything to do with the cannabis and his presence.

towards the end of the night i let him share a couch with me so we were spooning.  he gently kissed the back of my neck but stopped.  i felt a heat burning inside of me.  like a radiant heat but not a sweaty heat.  again has to do with the lovely cannabis.  it reminded me too much of how i felt the last time we were high together.  when i had the best sex of my life.  so i forced myself to think of him fucking another woman in complete ecstasy.  i have to think of him really enjoying it.  like filthy grins and eyes closed with a furrowed brow and lips parted as he groans while he fucks her.  when i’m alone it almost makes me hot.  when i’m with him it does a great job of killing the heat.  i told him that’s what i was thinking about.  he sounded upset.  i rolled my eyes.

of course that thought didn’t stop me from getting off after he left.

we didn’t kiss.  he did kiss my neck but it was pretty mild.  he had the perfect opportunity to drive me wild and want to fuck him.  my neck was right there and he knows i have a sensitive neck.  except he’s a perfect gentleman.  i respected his restraint.  i also felt slightly derisive of it.  that was partially always why we broke up.  on the rare occasion that he took me like a man should take a woman i loved him more than ever.  more often than not it was my instigation.  i got bored with that.

he told me that night that he missed me.  he worded it funny in a way that made my entire body tense up.  i laughed at the tension but i remembered how anxious the thought of getting back together made me.

the night before we had run into each other downtown.  i had a bachelorette he had a bachelor party.  we both knew we were going to be downtown.  i obsessed a little about how i looked.  i wondered aloud to a friend if he still thought i was sexy or if he still wanted me.

she asked, “do you want him back?”  i realized the answer was no.  then i was at ease.

i might not have a boyfriend.  i may not have a sex life anymore.  i do however have myself.

i am damn fine and i plan to be proud of the way i live.

yukon will be here shortly and we’re going to my favorite restaurant and will hopefully drink my favorite beer if it is still on tap.  then i’m meeting up with a friend of mine and her friend who thinks i’m her friend.  it’s a little silly i’m usually not very impressed by people who do the latching thing.  then we’re going dancing.  i’ll probably look like hell at the end of the night.  i hope to have fun though.

tomorrow morning is the farmer’s market with yukon then a few errands.  perhaps going to school to work on paperwork except i think i would much rather watch a matinee with yukon.  then tomorrow night is a surprise birthday party for cage’s husband.  funny that cage knows i made out with the best man but not that i got naked with another groomsman.  which of course means nick will be at this party.  i am going to look damn sexy.

i am however quite secure in the knowledge that nick is not for me.

it’s just that i sometimes forget that fact when i’ve been drinking.

how did an invitation to happy hour and four invitations (including a date) for friday night result in me feeling lonely?

i’m pretty sure it isn’t supposed to work that way.  long day at the grad school.  i was super excited for the prospect of happy hour with my friends except cage didn’t answer my call or respond to my text and tonight she’s my invite.  i don’t adhere quite so strongly to the invite rule now that i’m so close with everyone but occasionally i need to know i’m wanted before i make an appearance.  usually someone from the gang will let me know what and when and where.  it always feels good to be wanted by several different individuals in our group.

on occasion nick would be the one doing the inviting.  i’ve ignored him since the little “oh we’re naked again” incident.  i haven’t avoided just ignored.  there’s a difference.  i keep imagining him asking why.  i think about different answers.  trouble is i know he doesn’t really care.

so i suspect the happy hour meet up was tonight.  it was left terribly unclear by cage since typically they gather on friday afternoons.  i think they might be having fun without me.  it would be interesting to see nick.  i kind of like having the power to ignore him despite wanting to fuck him.  i sure hope he wants to fuck me.  that would make it all the better that i’m not going to fuck him.

i hope i didn’t just jinx myself.  i hope i don’t end up writing a self loathing and satisfied post about any sex we may have.

i want to look him in the eye and let him know he doesn’t have me.  he never did and because of his stupidity and immaturity he never will.  i want him to look away from me because i’m the dominant bitch.  i don’t avoid him because i’m scared i ignore him because he doesn’t deserve the attention.  you can see it in my eyes.  a mocking glimmer in my eyes and a smirking grin on my full pink lips.  i warned him.  a kiss is not a contract.  he never had me.

poor pathetic boy thinks he’s a man and in control.  i used to think he was a man before i realized how romantically impotent he was.  it’s sad he was too blind to realize what we could have had.  fantastic sex.  geek movie nights.  delicious dark beer.   no commitment just respect.

it isn’t too much to ask for respect.  he was lucky to catch me drunk and frisky that night.  that incident helps me to understand his true colors.

i wonder sometimes if it would even be possible for him to return to my favor.  however i believe the requirements are beyond him.  i’d have to say five expensive dates and a month and a half of perfect behavior.  it would take some major convincing.  of course if he pulled those things off he’d be rewarded with very passionate sex.  frequently.  interspersed with blow jobs.

instead he remains someone i despise despite the sexual attraction and chemistry.

i know i’m desirable and i don’t have to waste my time with someone who isn’t going to give me what i want nor meet my expectations.

alex asked me on another date.  that would be our fourth.  he might be amusing to fool around with but i’m proceeding exceedingly carefully.  i sense the drama and don’t want to get involved.  the ex and the ex’s son make for a major turn off.  doesn’t matter that it isn’t his child he was fool enough to get entangled.  that kind of stupidity is not a turn on.

tonight i’ve got an attitude and a splash of arrogance.  let’s hope i’m not disappointed.  i wonder how much of this is insecurity.  probably just boredom.

update:  it was in fact a happy hour organized by nick last night.  no one went except for cage and her husband.  interesting.

it’s true.  i got naked in bed with nick again.  i’m really disappointed in myself.

we’ve seen quite a lot of each other lately.  entirely in a friends only capacity and never alone just the two of us.  of course i stopped inviting him over and it is quite telling that he hasn’t bothered to invite me out either.  we don’t message each other like we used to.  it’s perfectly clear that he isn’t into me.

to be honest i avoid him.  i’m friendly and nice and pleasant just somewhat disengaged.  even when it looks like he kind of wants to talk with me i quietly slip away without anyone noticing.  that’s the beauty of our group of friends being so large.  if i don’t want to talk to him i can step into another room and chat with my friends there.  i avoid him because i don’t want to be alone with him.  i avoid him because i don’t like any intimations about the intimate moments we’ve shared.  i avoid him because i know there is no way we will ever have a functioning relationship.  i still wonder sometimes how that month in april worked so well for us.  we saw each other every weekend.  i remember knowing the first night we kissed in 2009 that it was a bad idea.

this weekend was cage’s wedding.  of course nick was a groomsmen and i was a bridesmaid.  we had the rehearsal dinner the night before.  i was both hoping and fearing that i would be escorted out of the church by nick.  part of me wanted to touch him and the other part of me was terrified of being with him.

i didn’t walk down the aisle with nick.  instead i walked with dan who i’ve mentioned before.  i have to say i heart dan.  i like to think of us as being pretty good friends.  there is no physical attraction there although i think he is a very handsome man maybe even somewhat sexy.  i’ve developed a lot of affection for him.  i’m good friends with his girlfriend but sometimes i think i almost like him more.  however they both have their flaws.  dan was happy to walk with me and i was happy to walk with dan. at the reception dan and i slow danced for two songs.  it was really very nice.

the wedding was gorgeous.  the church was incredibly beautiful and i’m not even really a fan of churches.  i thought i might cry but i didn’t.  everyone blew bubbles as cage and her new husband exited the church.  we all got on a trolly and rode downtown before the reception.

the reception hall was amazing.  i can’t emphasize enough that this wedding was the best wedding and reception i’ve ever been to.  all of my best friends were there.  most of them were in the wedding.  the food was good the beer was free the music perfect.

i looked damn fine.  an incredibly flattering and sexy black dress.  killer black four inch strappy fuck me please heels.  my normally straight hair styled into bouncy curls.  my skin a perfect golden to compliment my naturally blonde hair.  my teeth were white and my skin clear.  my make up was dramatic yet appropriate.

nick never asked me to dance.  i felt rather sharply the truth that he just isn’t that into me.  i danced with some boys.  mostly my guy friends.  a few strangers.  most of the music was excellent group dancing music so the dance floor was buzzing with all my friends and a nice variety of all ages.  the reception was well attended just not by many young single men.

at one strange and random moment nick put his arm around my waist and squeezed me tight against him then let go.  i danced with him just as i danced with my other guy friends who happen to have significant others.  so it wasn’t too serious.  i was a little baffled though.  not even pleasantly surprised.  just confused.

don’t stop believin by journey came on and nick looked ridiculously excited and i shrieked.  it’s embarrassing how we get around journey when we’ve been drinking.  i grabbed him and shouted a comment in his ear.  it was the first time all night i’d actually reached and touched him.

the night ended far too soon.  so we worked out an after party.  half the group was going to a liquor store while half the group was going to various bars for a drink before last call.  i went downtown with another bridesmaid.  drank a shot of whiskey.  walked to the hotel and found the room where the after party was being held.

everything at the hotel room was a bit strange.  some people i didn’t really know were there.  nick was there.  dan was there.  dan isolated himself in the bedroom and cried.  i checked on him.  he grinned at me through his tears and said i was sweet.  apparently he’d gotten into a fight with his girlfriend and his brother that night.  never a good feeling.

i wandered out into the hallway over looking the massive atrium.  there was a stranger there i thought might have been from the wedding since there were other people there i didn’t know.  he wasn’t with our wedding.  we chatted for a short while.  then we started kissing.  then we started making out.  i had no idea where nick was at this point in time.  he apparently was in a position to watch me make out with this attractive stranger for a short while.  which means he watched me.

it got to the point where the attractive stranger was touching me through my black panties.  it got to the point where he lifted my leg up onto the railing behind him.  it got up to the point where he pulled my hair and grazed his teeth across my bare neck.  he pulled my hair a little harder and i whimpered. a sexy whimper but already i knew he was going to be too dominant for a one night stand. i love being dominated in a steady relationship but when it comes to one night stands i like to be in control.

he invited me upstairs for a drink and he said he had crown and it sounded delicious and i hadn’t been laid in three months and i wanted to but a little voice in me knew better. i hadn’t known him for more than 30 minutes i couldn’t fuck him. especially not a stranger that was already aggressive in public. i pulled away and started verbally backpedaling followed soon by physical backpedaling and then followed by abruptly saying goodnight.

i very quickly stepped into the hotel room and locked the door behind me. nick seemed a little shocked. i was grinning. he said he thought i was going to leave with that guy and i smiled a little naughtily and said, “he just didn’t do it for me.” nick made a comment about making that guy all hot and bothered then walking away. i smiled and shrugged and said i could do whatever i wanted and that a kiss was not a contract. there were two other people still in the room. the best man was trying to get with this girl who already had a boyfriend but she was a bit of a slut.

after about five minutes stranger man knocked and i hid behind the door while nick answered for me. attractive stranger asked if kate could i come to the door and i whispered to nick, “NO.” nick made an excuse for me. then stepped outside and began to chat with the gentleman. not sure why. maybe he felt bad about closing the door on him too? then the only other girl left went outside. i watched through the peephole as she put her arm around nick’s waist. i told the best man that he needed to go get his woman because he didn’t have her tied up quite yet. the best man said all he wanted was to kiss her. the best man had wrapped his arms around me earlier so i said i would give him a kiss. it was a short and rather sweet kiss that lasted about 20 seconds. he wasn’t all that attractive but i suppose this is proof that i was feeling frisky. i sent best man to go out and get his woman. i lied down on the couch and got comfy.

before i knew it attractive stranger had pushed the door open and was in the room with his hand on my back and his face next to my pillow asking if he could spend some time with me. i said i was too tired. i was too sleepy. i didn’t like the situation. i then called out “where’s nick?” i think i may have said it with a slight note of desperation. nick walked through the room to get something and i stuck out my foot and waved it frantically. nick kindly told the guy that it was time to call it a night and the guy quietly left. the best man and slut seemed to have disappeared. i was happy for him.

so it was just me and nick. alone again in a hotel room. there was another groomsmen passed out in the bedroom. nick and i agreed we couldn’t drive and decided to stay the night on the pull out sofa. i went into the bathroom and stripped off my dress and my bra and my jewelry and put on a pair of soft gym shorts and a black tank top. when i came back out nick was wearing his undershirt and his boxers and was getting the sofa bed set up. so far i was fine with this and wasn’t concerned. i think at this point i was still treating things as us just being friends and this was just the way things were.

i arranged the sheets and the pillows as he took his turn in the bathroom. he came out and shut the bedroom door so that we wouldn’t disturb the sleeping groomsmen.  together we got into bed. under the covers. it seemed kind of personal and intimate. the tv was on and we were watching the last of gladiator. the sofa bed was ridiculously uncomfortable. so with a sigh i gave in and cuddled up to him as he was soft and warm and much more snugglable than my pathetic pillow. he immediately wrapped his arm around me. he was warm. very comfortable. i liked that position immensely.

when the movie was over he turned it off and i rolled away from him onto my side so my back was facing him. he immediately cuddled up behind me. i still thought it was comfortable but i think i already knew things were headed in a certain direction. my back was to him however and my eyes were closed. somehow nick managed to mention he didn’t know if he’d be able to sleep there. i asked why and he made a comment about rarely sleeping in a shirt and he may have mumbled something about boxers. i didn’t care if he was in a shirt or not so i said with disinterest to wear whatever he was most comfortable in.

i think i should have known he would get naked. i kind of thought the boxers comment was him being suggestive i didn’t think it was him being explicit. he cuddled me wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly with his hand on my hip where my soft skin was exposed. i could feel his erection. i asked if had kept his boxers on and as i reached to lightly touch his hip he told me no. i was half turned to him and somehow it was all too easy for me to turn the last bit and kiss him on the lips. i turned around in bed and we kissed more passionately. i told him i wasn’t going to fuck him. we made out. i wasn’t wasted but still a little intoxicated.

i don’t remember my shorts coming off. i remember him trying to get me on top of him but not doing a very good job of it and i made fun of him for it before smoothly climbing on top. he rubbed his cock against my panties as if he was fucking me and i wanted it. he tried to pull my panties off but of course with spread legs that doesn’t work. at some point he flipped me over and i think that’s when my panties came off. i don’t really remember. i had gotten a hold of his cock and he touched my pussy. every time before when he has touched me i’ve never tolerated it for very long.  it’s almost as though i’m impatient and don’t even want to bother with the learning curve for a while.

this time however, the alcohol made me stretch back and let him finger me until i was moaning and my body was writhing. i had a hand on his cock. he made me come. he got between my legs and i reiterated that i wasn’t going to fuck him. i kept my hand on his cock. he asked if i was worried and i suppose i trusted him because i took my hand away. he rubbed against my clit then his cock slipped down to my pussy. he pulled away and his cock bounced back up to my clit before sliding down to my pussy again. i stopped moving. he knew something was wrong. he asked if that was too close and i said yes so he adjusted himself so his cock was more at my hip. he then rolled off of me.

we kissed and since i had orgasmed i was now more focused on his cock. i was stroking it and jacking him off when i felt a small pressure on my shoulder. i ignored it. a while later i felt another small pressure. i again ignored it. the third time i felt a small push i told him he was not being subtle and i got that he wanted me to suck his cock. i licked it. i fondled his balls. i ran my tongue up and down then swallowed him whole and did my best to deep throat him. i began to blow him. i’d like to hope with some skill. he seemed to enjoy it. after a while he told me he was coming and i slurped and swallowed and licked his cock. not long after that he offered me a glass of water.

once back in bed we didn’t really touch. i realized with no alarm just clarity that nick cuddles because it gets him physical action. he had no reason to cuddle me after the fact. we chatted in bed for a while. we basically babbled at each other. he actually brought up his ex. at least i think they aren’t dating. i made some comments asked some questions.

after a bit we agreed it would be good to go home. there was no way in hell i was going to be able to sleep on that sofa bed. we got dressed. he put on his boxers i put on my black panties. together we gathered our stuff and grabbed the cooler and left the nice hotel at almost six in the morning. i fell back into our just friends routine only too quickly. i suspect he did too but i wasn’t really paying attention. once we left the room it was like it hadn’t happened. as he drove me to my car i commented that we have an odd friendship. he disagreed. he said it wasn’t peculiar. i don’t remember if he said whether or not it was bad. he made a comment about everybody being sexual beings. it seemed kind of a bull crap answer.

my pussy was a little sore the next day from having him finger fuck me so vigorously. i thought about him talking about another woman while we were naked in bed together was a sure sign he wasn’t interested. i remembered babbling about having sex being a bad idea and him asking why it was a bad idea and basically repeating the question back to each other hoping someone would reveal something interesting. i oversimplified by saying it would complicate things. at one point he repeated it back to me.

i regret it. i suspect i may always be a little attracted to nick for inexplicable reasons but i’ve given him two chances. i can’t give him anymore. he would have to do something damn spectacular to get me back and i know he won’t. i feel like he may have gotten naked with whomever was left at the end of the night. i feel like he consciously wanted some form of sex which is why he got naked so quickly.  i remind myself that he stripped naked.  that isn’t sexy it’s desperate.

i feel like it has nothing to do with me and i’m just convenient.  i feel like i let myself be used by a man that isn’t into me.  he doesn’t like me.  if he did like me he would show it you know like he would ask me on a date or invite me places.  i’ve tried to accept this.  sometimes it doesn’t change the fact that i want to fuck him.  i work out explanations in my mind why i can’t sleep with him.  i think of what i would say to him.

“you’ve made it very clear that you’re not actually into me.  you don’t like me as anything more than a friend.  i don’t need to waste my time with guys who don’t want to be with me.  if i want casual sex i’ll sleep with someone who isn’t best friends with my best friends.  i can have meaningless sex with anyone.  why would i have it with you?”  that’s supposed to be a rhetorical question by the way.  i’m convinced he’d be mind blowing in bed.

i never wanted to be his girlfriend.  i never wanted him to be my boyfriend.  i wanted to date him.  i wanted to have a relationship.  a relationship built on friendship and affection and great sex.  you can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t actually care about you.  i thought he did.  his actions proved me wrong.  i didn’t even want monogamy just trust and honesty.  i like to think he missed out on a great opportunity.  he could have fucked me on the regular and i would have disappeared when it was time for us to study.  grad school keeps me from being serious after all.  okay let’s be honest i might even be a little commitment phobic myself.

alex seems to want me.  i’m thinking about sleeping with him on our next date this friday.  i like to think i wait to have sex with guys i’m really interested in.  you can figure out then that i’m not really that interested in alex.  i’m looking forward to him buying me dinner at a romantic indian restaurant.  then maybe we’ll go home and i’ll get laid for the first time in three months.  alex is obviously a little desperate and eager to please.

maybe i’m a little desperate.  maybe we’re all a little desperate.

so wednesday night was my last final.  i drank four beers at home with b.  skipped dinner.  she gave me a ride downtown.  met up with my friends.  learned to hate nick with a passion.  decided he isn’t good enough for me.  met up with my fellow grad students.  bitched about nick.  met up with this new boy named ryan that i totally want to sleep with.  i kissed a stranger at a bar a minute after i started talking to him.  i flirted with ryan.  i danced with him.  i got hit on by guys on the dance floor.  ryan asked for my number.  i kissed him on the cheek.  got a ride home from a friend.

the next day i went to school and wrapped up some paperwork.  it was officially all done.

last night i ate quesadillas and drank beer with b and her boy of the week that is actually a relatively nice guy.  yukon came and ate quesadillas with us.  then he drove us downtown to go to amateur strip night at a fantastic gay club we like.  we walked to meet up with an old friend of ours.  someone i had dated for a short time and made out with in high school and who is still very attractive.  he was with a girl but i found out very quickly that they aren’t together.

the night ended with me kissing my old friend, kissing the girl he was with, and kissing yukon.  a random acquaintance of yukon joined us on our walk home.  yukon kissed him.  then the acquaintance kissed me.  i bit his lip but he didn’t even notice.

kissing my old friend was very nice.  something i would happily do again.  it was nice to kiss a girl.  she kissed very softly.  i had told yukon before we went to the gay club that i wanted to kiss a girl that night.

i’ve gotten hammered the last two nights but haven’t gotten to the sick omg this is miserable point of drunkness.  i’ve stayed right at the i am totally intoxicated but i love it level.  i’m going downtown again.  i want to drink but i don’t have a designated driver to watch over me so i’d better keep it in check.  the last two nights have seen me feeling and looking sexy and kissing very desirable people.  i gave ryan my number.  sounds like we’re going to hook up sometime.  this has been an excellent way for me to forget that nick is a weak asshole.