i’ve been wanting to write.  it’s so strange when i start a post with that.  i feel like saying it though because it’s true.  it conveys that i’ve had thoughts i’ve been unable to clearly articulate.

i went on my date with alex.  nice.  he made a move and kissed me before we went to dinner.  it was nice enough and i was already tipsy.  he paid for a delicious dinner at one of my favorite restaurants.  we cuddled at my house for half an hour before going to mill’s new apartment to play board games.  i was still a little drunk.  nick was there.  i was friendly.  it was weird that alex and i were there together.

i was a bit of a tease to alex.  i only vaguely remember this but mill told me i kept saying to her over and over “i don’t want to fuck him.”  which was true.  i teased the poor boy relentlessly on the way home and then when he asked to come upstairs i said no and threw a pillow down from the loft before locking my bedroom door.  the next morning was a little dull.  he obviously enjoyed my company and i was getting bored.  i told him i was meeting someone for lunch and had to get ready.  he reluctantly left.  once he was gone i made myself a sandwich for lunch and watched a movie on my laptop.  i was just trying to get rid of him.  doesn’t speak well for future dates in my opinion.

i can tell he’s getting attached and it doesn’t do it for me.  i’ve been meaning to tell him i’m not into relationships but that i enjoy his company.  after all he bought a series on dvd that i want to watch.  i don’t plan on seeing him for three weeks.  i’m too busy.  one of those weekends i can’t see alex i’m seeing aiden.

i get the tiniest sense that aiden and i are rekindling something.  it feels a little like an affair which probably has something to do with alex.  i’m not sure at what point i considered nick back in the game though.  as in i would probably sleep with him again if given the opportunity.  my shame must have worn off by now.  i’ve thought about that a lot.  wanting to fuck aiden from one city, wanting to fuck nick in my city, grudgingly considering fucking alex in another city.  after all he does have the series i really want to watch.

there have been many sleepless nights lately.  i suspect my unusual/inconsistent doses of adderall and wellbutrin have been partly to blame.  except i also spend my nights thinking about how comfortable i feel with aiden and how uncomfortable i feel with alex.  i’ve also thought of a certain attractive feature of nick’s and it isn’t his personality.

i’ve thought about grad school.  i suspect that’s due to the wellbutrin disruption considering grad school is going fine.  i’ve thought about my grandfather who is dying.  there have been many nights lately when i’m awake until after 4:30 in the morning.  i’ve been crashing one day a week with fitful sleep.

i again blame the prescription medications and also my own actions.  i feel personally comfortable with my own personal interpretation of “polyamory” which isn’t really polyamory because i don’t love any of these men.  maybe aiden a very small amount.

how is it that we’re seeing each other again?  how is it we’re okay with fucking other people?  how is it he is still the best person i’ve been with?  i’m not sure i can even speculate where this is going.  right now i feel comfortable with aiden but it still feels a little wrong like an affair.  i don’t understand why i feel that way.  i wonder if i’ll discuss it with him.

we’ve made plans.  to see each other again in two weeks.  another dinner.  another movie.  likely another smoking session.  probably more sex.

i’ll be fucking aiden again before i go on my next date with alex in three weeks.

when b did this i was a little perturbed but i didn’t think it was really wrong.  now i’m the slut of the household.  i don’t think my roommates even knew aiden stayed in my bed.

so i have a lot on my mind.

mostly sex.  also that bit about my medications being out of whack.  also my grandfather slowly dying.