i’ve been wanting to write.  it’s so strange when i start a post with that.  i feel like saying it though because it’s true.  it conveys that i’ve had thoughts i’ve been unable to clearly articulate.

i went on my date with alex.  nice.  he made a move and kissed me before we went to dinner.  it was nice enough and i was already tipsy.  he paid for a delicious dinner at one of my favorite restaurants.  we cuddled at my house for half an hour before going to mill’s new apartment to play board games.  i was still a little drunk.  nick was there.  i was friendly.  it was weird that alex and i were there together.

i was a bit of a tease to alex.  i only vaguely remember this but mill told me i kept saying to her over and over “i don’t want to fuck him.”  which was true.  i teased the poor boy relentlessly on the way home and then when he asked to come upstairs i said no and threw a pillow down from the loft before locking my bedroom door.  the next morning was a little dull.  he obviously enjoyed my company and i was getting bored.  i told him i was meeting someone for lunch and had to get ready.  he reluctantly left.  once he was gone i made myself a sandwich for lunch and watched a movie on my laptop.  i was just trying to get rid of him.  doesn’t speak well for future dates in my opinion.

i can tell he’s getting attached and it doesn’t do it for me.  i’ve been meaning to tell him i’m not into relationships but that i enjoy his company.  after all he bought a series on dvd that i want to watch.  i don’t plan on seeing him for three weeks.  i’m too busy.  one of those weekends i can’t see alex i’m seeing aiden.

i get the tiniest sense that aiden and i are rekindling something.  it feels a little like an affair which probably has something to do with alex.  i’m not sure at what point i considered nick back in the game though.  as in i would probably sleep with him again if given the opportunity.  my shame must have worn off by now.  i’ve thought about that a lot.  wanting to fuck aiden from one city, wanting to fuck nick in my city, grudgingly considering fucking alex in another city.  after all he does have the series i really want to watch.

there have been many sleepless nights lately.  i suspect my unusual/inconsistent doses of adderall and wellbutrin have been partly to blame.  except i also spend my nights thinking about how comfortable i feel with aiden and how uncomfortable i feel with alex.  i’ve also thought of a certain attractive feature of nick’s and it isn’t his personality.

i’ve thought about grad school.  i suspect that’s due to the wellbutrin disruption considering grad school is going fine.  i’ve thought about my grandfather who is dying.  there have been many nights lately when i’m awake until after 4:30 in the morning.  i’ve been crashing one day a week with fitful sleep.

i again blame the prescription medications and also my own actions.  i feel personally comfortable with my own personal interpretation of “polyamory” which isn’t really polyamory because i don’t love any of these men.  maybe aiden a very small amount.

how is it that we’re seeing each other again?  how is it we’re okay with fucking other people?  how is it he is still the best person i’ve been with?  i’m not sure i can even speculate where this is going.  right now i feel comfortable with aiden but it still feels a little wrong like an affair.  i don’t understand why i feel that way.  i wonder if i’ll discuss it with him.

we’ve made plans.  to see each other again in two weeks.  another dinner.  another movie.  likely another smoking session.  probably more sex.

i’ll be fucking aiden again before i go on my next date with alex in three weeks.

when b did this i was a little perturbed but i didn’t think it was really wrong.  now i’m the slut of the household.  i don’t think my roommates even knew aiden stayed in my bed.

so i have a lot on my mind.

mostly sex.  also that bit about my medications being out of whack.  also my grandfather slowly dying.

aiden picked me up a little earlier than planned.  i was wearing cute destroyed jeans that happened to be two sizes smaller than i was wearing when i broke up with him a year and a half ago.  i had on a cute and casual shirt layered over a soft tank top.  i had considered dressing sexy for aiden but decided to go with cute.  he had on khaki shorts and a black polo.  we both looked good.

we ate at a relatively good restaurant that happened to be the first restaurant we ate at together in my city.  stopped by a bar for a quick beer before going to the movie.  we saw inglorious basterds which i liked mostly because it was quentin tarantino.  of course it was ridiculously violent.  during dinner and the movie i thought about touching aiden casually yet intimately.

that afternoon i had put a bottle of good dry reisling in the fridge.  on the drive back to my place i asked if he was interested.  he said “yes please” and smiled.  when we got to my place i gave him the bottle to open and got out the wine glasses.  he poured and then i said “let’s be scandalous shall we and go upstairs?”  i wasn’t planning on introducing him to my roommates because they would disapprove if they knew about aiden/alex/nick.  it’s unfortunate that i can’t be honest with my roommate because she believes all of my favorite activities are sinful.

so aiden and i slipped upstairs into my bedroom with two wine glasses and a bottle of delicious dry reisling.  we sat on my bed and talked and surfed the web.  eventually i mentioned lighting up and he agreed.  we smoked and watched fantastic planet which is animated and a total trip.  aiden focused on the movie while i was preoccupied with the man in my bed.

we talked about random things.  i’d reach out across the space between us and touch him occasionally to emphasize a point.  with the wine and the weed in my system i eventually took his hand and gently kissed his fingers.  i stroked his hand and lightly pressed his fingers to my skin so that he would touch me.  his thumb began stroking the curve of my breast.  he was tortuously slow at caressing my breast before he lightly teased my nipple.  i gasped and arched my back slightly.

i vaguely remember pressing his other hand to my stomach.  all of his actions were slow and deliberate.  he took forever to actually get in my jeans.  i hoped he would fuck me but instead he began playing with my clit.

it took a long time before i grabbed him and pulled him close to me.  he’d maintained a bit of safe distance.  i remember feeling his warm body finally come into full contact with mine and pushing against him.  i could feel he was aroused but i hesitated to touch him.

aiden began kissing my neck and my breasts and my chest.  it didn’t take long for me to realize he was avoiding my lips and as he touched my body my mind was in a state of arousal and confused anxiety.  with a gasp i cried “why won’t you kiss me?!”  he ignored me for a moment then hesitated before his lips finally came into contact with mine.  i kissed him with a furious passion.

my hips pushed against him and one hand gripped his arm tightly while the other was wrapped around his shoulders and neck.  i didn’t realize it at the time but i hesitated too.  i instigated the physical contact and i demanded he kiss me but i didn’t touch his cock.  i carefully and lightly touched him through his shorts.  he was ridiculously hard.

a part of me hoped he would fuck me but i wasn’t about to insist upon sex.  especially after my previous experience with rejection by nick and the whole “we haven’t had sex with each other in eight months while we’ve been having sex with other people” issue.  so i kept stroking his cock faster and faster as he brought me closer to a rough and quick orgasm.  his breath began to sound harsh and our speed increased.  he gasped then groaned and i felt his hot semen cover his cock, my fingers, and both of our stomachs.  i kept stroking his hard hot cock as my back arched and a mediocre orgasm washed over me.

it was late.  maybe a little before three.  we finally got in my bed and under my covers.  he wrapped his arms tight around me.  we talked.  i don’t really remember what we talked about.  i wasn’t high anymore but it seems so easy to forget things when i’ve been smoking.  i have no idea who started the final round but knowing the two participants i can assume it was probably me.  i remember him touching me..

i remember he whispered something to me but i don’t know what he said.

somehow i had become naked except for my panties and the black fuck me stilettos i had put on in bed because aiden found them sexy.  aiden was completely dressed.  the vulnerability of being almost completely naked and him completely clothed was kind of hot.

it was sudden when aiden quickly unbuckled his belt, unbuttoned his shorts, and pulled down his zipper.  he stood next to the bed watching me as he pulled down his shorts and yanked off his shirt before pressing his body on top of mine.  i knew we were going to fuck then.  he pulled my panties off but kept my sexy black stilettos on.  he left his boxers on for a minute but kept his cock away from my pussy before standing up to get a condom.

did i look him in the eyes as he slowly penetrated me for the first time in eight months?  aiden was both familiar and foreign to me.

it was after three in the morning and we fucked almost desperately.

my stilettos were on his shoulders at one point.  we orgasmed and it was the most satisfying orgasm i’d had in a long time.  he collapsed on top of me breathing hard.  we fell asleep naked.

i woke up the next morning to his vibrating cell phone and it wasn’t even strange that he was there.  he checked his phone and it was an automatic email notifying him of some easily corrected malfunction at work.  i grabbed some clothes and went to the bathroom while he got on his computer to fix the problem remotely.  we ate breakfast together in bed.

then we spent the rest of the day in bed fucking.  the first few times were missionary and pretty basic.  later he fucked me hard from behind.  fucked me with my knees pressed to my chest and my feet above my head.  he fucked me standing at the edge of the bed with my legs around his waist and later with my ankles on his shoulders.  i rode him.

i wonder if our mutual friend yukon informed him i’d had unprotected sex with another man.  i thought about telling aiden the facts about my increased number of sexual partners but he had told me previously that he wasn’t curious and wasn’t interested.  i rationalized that my sexual history was relevant if we were going to have sex but i finally decided that i should respect his decision.  if he asked i would answer honestly and tell him the truth.  otherwise if he didn’t want to know the details i wasn’t going to tell him.  besides i think he was pretty confident in the assumption that i’d fucked a few other men.  we used condoms every time.  that’s the first time we’ve done that in years.  even in january we abandoned condoms within 24 hours for our preferred no condoms.

i could never fuck him again in good conscience without having been tested.  which i plan to be tested again very soon.  i trust nick so very little indeed.

around lunch time we took a nap.  that afternoon we woke up and aiden fucked me proper.  for the first time in many many many months i experienced multiple orgasms.  i don’t actually remember the last time i had multiple orgasms.  something about the way we fit together that afternoon kept pushing me over the edge again and again.  when i realized what was happening i giggled with surprise and pleasure.  followed of course by more moaning.  it was some of the best sex i’ve had in a long time.

we talked in bed and cuddled and it wasn’t long before aiden was hard again.  that man always demonstrated impressive stamina to keep me satisfied on our weekend long sex binges.  i told aiden to fuck me slowly.  he asked if i was sore and i told him no that i just wanted it slow.  my god was it good.  i was moaning and pushing my body against him.  i got going so strong that eventually i was begging him to fuck me hard and he obliged giving me another round of excellent orgasms.

we decided to shower and leave the house for a bit.  i got a latte and we went to a restaurant for dinner.  we were going to stuff ourselves with carbs at a pizza buffet but found it closed for the holiday.  we chose the steakhouse next door.  i ate a salad and drank a cocktail but by the time my rib eye steak arrived i wasn’t hungry anymore and had a bit of an upset stomach.  i picked at my food and was glad when it was time to leave.

by the time we got home and i lied down i was feeling a little better.  i started on some homework while aiden worked on his computer.  we spent most of our time together listening to pandora or thesixtyone.  i decided i was done with homework and surprised aiden by straddling him.  began dancing for him.  my body undulated as i rolled my back and hips to the music.  after a song i stood up on the bed and stripped my jeans off as i looked down at him.  then i continued grinding against him.

he pulled off my shirt.  took off my bra.  kissed me and flipped me over.  took off my panties.  then he began kissing my body.  he began kissing down my stomach and kissed my thighs.  previously i didn’t tolerate his pathetic attempts at cunninglingus for very long.  he didn’t know how to give and i suppose really i didn’t know how to receive.  my most recent sexual partners helped me learn to accept the pleasures of oral sex.  mostly because they were actually good at it.  it was kind of my fault for not letting aiden practice but there had been some unpleasant experiences.

when he finally began licking my clit i’m sure he was surprised i didn’t push him away as i previously did with his fumbling attempts.  instead i stretched my legs and then let my thighs relax with him between them.  i covered my face with a pillow and laughed and thought to myself “someone finally taught you some manners.”  i should apologize for it not being me after our three years of sex together.  that was probably as much a disservice to him as it was to me.

i half expected him to lick at me for a few minutes then get a condom and fuck me.  instead he dedicated himself to the task.  i got really close to dying of pleasure a few times but his technique wasn’t quite spot on enough to make me orgasm.  still felt freaking amazing though.  after a rather long amount of time passed with him between my legs i eventually gave a bit of a shudder and had him slow down.  when i was as content as i was going to be i had him stop.

i told him i wanted to taste him.  he straddled my chest and i began to suck his cock.  i gave his ass a gentle push and he began fucking my mouth the way i indicated.  aiden was sighing deeply and moaning quietly which considering he doesn’t usually make much sound until he comes was a very good sign.  his moaning got louder and his hips began to move just a little faster.  i took this as my cue and increased the speed so that he stopped moving his hips.  i had his balls cradled in my hand and my fingers stroked him continuously.  he began to mutter “oh god oh god oh god” over and over.  soon he was moaning loudly as his orgasm took him.  i swallowed it all eagerly as he continued to moan and groan loudly.  he took in deep gasping breaths trying to steady his breathing.  he would laugh and shudder whenever i hit a sensitive sweet spot.  eventually once his cock had been completely caressed by my tongue and my lips had finished kissing him i let him escape my grasp.

he collapsed next to me and said his whole body was still tingling.  he looked at me and laughed and said “i love the way you look right now.  you have this amazing smile like you know exactly what you just did and you loved every minute of it.  that is so fucking sexy.”  i licked my lips and nodded.  ”that may have been the best blow job of my life” he told me.  i was happy and content.  i really do enjoy a job well done.

aiden embraced me in a tight hug and told me he loved spending time with me.  he couldn’t see but i looked away when he used the word love.  strangely despite all of the sex and laughter and happiness there wasn’t any love.  it wasn’t surprising really just kind of a different experience.  i’ve never been with aiden without feeling love for him so this was new for me.  i adored the sex we had.  i’d even consider doing it again.  yet there was no love.  we talked about how right we were for each other but also that we accepted we were not right for each other right now.  i made a joke or two about the woman/women aiden has slept with (e.g., “for some reason i always imagine you having sex with women as dominant as me”) and i unintentionally made statements or answered questions with clues that i had been with other men.  neither of these seemed to bother him.  so we accept our relationship as friends.  i worry about when he asks me if i’m seeing anyone though.  i think i’ll have to tell him the truth and explain i’m seeing someone but it isn’t serious at all.  i hope he doesn’t decide to be righteous and say i can’t see someone else and still fuck him at the same time.

i guess i’m kind of operating on the assumption alex and i will have sex at some point.  we’ve got another date this weekend and i’ve got my outfit picked out.  i went killer sexy last time and i’m going comfortable, cute, and casual this time.  we’re doing an afternoon date with dinner to follow.  i suppose we might meet some of my friends later that evening.  yikes is that like introducing him to my friends?  awkward.  the girls want to meet him.

interesting enough alex is going out of his way to share things with me he knows i’ll like.  he actually ordered an entire anime series because i said i liked the first four episodes.  we’ll see how this goes.  what the hell is wrong with me?  aiden and alex are both geeks.  alex and nick both love sci fi and anime.  yikes.