i’m beginning to suspect this isn’t good September 18, 2009
Posted by skcity in life, that other guy, the boy, the man, the men, the sex.add a comment
lately every time i’ve thought of alex’s arms wrapped around me i quickly think of how much better aiden’s arms feel.
damn it i’ve gotten myself into some trouble.
why is it that my solution is to meet someone new? why do i think someone else will help? obviously i can’t let go of the damn lot that i’ve got you’d think i wouldn’t need to add another. considering i still think about my night with nick i’m pretty much just asking for a fucking pentagon. not a love triangle a fucking pentagon. because i want another man to change things for me i want another man to satisfy me so completely i stop collecting little bits and pieces from all the others.
aiden is the comfort and the good sex.
alex is the nice charming sweet guy.
nick is the asshole with the big cock.
my thoughts tonight September 17, 2009
Posted by skcity in life, that other guy, the bitch, the boy, the house, the man, the men.add a comment
i’ve been wanting to write. it’s so strange when i start a post with that. i feel like saying it though because it’s true. it conveys that i’ve had thoughts i’ve been unable to clearly articulate.
i went on my date with alex. nice. he made a move and kissed me before we went to dinner. it was nice enough and i was already tipsy. he paid for a delicious dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. we cuddled at my house for half an hour before going to mill’s new apartment to play board games. i was still a little drunk. nick was there. i was friendly. it was weird that alex and i were there together.
i was a bit of a tease to alex. i only vaguely remember this but mill told me i kept saying to her over and over “i don’t want to fuck him.” which was true. i teased the poor boy relentlessly on the way home and then when he asked to come upstairs i said no and threw a pillow down from the loft before locking my bedroom door. the next morning was a little dull. he obviously enjoyed my company and i was getting bored. i told him i was meeting someone for lunch and had to get ready. he reluctantly left. once he was gone i made myself a sandwich for lunch and watched a movie on my laptop. i was just trying to get rid of him. doesn’t speak well for future dates in my opinion.
i can tell he’s getting attached and it doesn’t do it for me. i’ve been meaning to tell him i’m not into relationships but that i enjoy his company. after all he bought a series on dvd that i want to watch. i don’t plan on seeing him for three weeks. i’m too busy. one of those weekends i can’t see alex i’m seeing aiden.
i get the tiniest sense that aiden and i are rekindling something. it feels a little like an affair which probably has something to do with alex. i’m not sure at what point i considered nick back in the game though. as in i would probably sleep with him again if given the opportunity. my shame must have worn off by now. i’ve thought about that a lot. wanting to fuck aiden from one city, wanting to fuck nick in my city, grudgingly considering fucking alex in another city. after all he does have the series i really want to watch.
there have been many sleepless nights lately. i suspect my unusual/inconsistent doses of adderall and wellbutrin have been partly to blame. except i also spend my nights thinking about how comfortable i feel with aiden and how uncomfortable i feel with alex. i’ve also thought of a certain attractive feature of nick’s and it isn’t his personality.
i’ve thought about grad school. i suspect that’s due to the wellbutrin disruption considering grad school is going fine. i’ve thought about my grandfather who is dying. there have been many nights lately when i’m awake until after 4:30 in the morning. i’ve been crashing one day a week with fitful sleep.
i again blame the prescription medications and also my own actions. i feel personally comfortable with my own personal interpretation of “polyamory” which isn’t really polyamory because i don’t love any of these men. maybe aiden a very small amount.
how is it that we’re seeing each other again? how is it we’re okay with fucking other people? how is it he is still the best person i’ve been with? i’m not sure i can even speculate where this is going. right now i feel comfortable with aiden but it still feels a little wrong like an affair. i don’t understand why i feel that way. i wonder if i’ll discuss it with him.
we’ve made plans. to see each other again in two weeks. another dinner. another movie. likely another smoking session. probably more sex.
i’ll be fucking aiden again before i go on my next date with alex in three weeks.
when b did this i was a little perturbed but i didn’t think it was really wrong. now i’m the slut of the household. i don’t think my roommates even knew aiden stayed in my bed.
so i have a lot on my mind.
mostly sex. also that bit about my medications being out of whack. also my grandfather slowly dying.
it became obvious September 6, 2009
Posted by skcity in life, the boy, the man, the men, the sex.comments closed
it became obvious that i needed to write again when in my typical search for information i actually googled “why isn’t there any easy answer?”
the question on my mind is embarrassing. it’s paranoid. it’s plausible and unlikely.
i seem to have convinced myself in the last 24 hours that nick wants to get with mill.
i am disturbed that i would actually think this. disturbed it would actually be suggested by one of the guys. disturbed that nick looked embarrassed and avoided the subject when it was brought up in front of me.
i’m ashamed that nick hasn’t told any of his friends about me. i’m ashamed because that makes me think he is ashamed of me. i’m ashamed because i think i’m not sexy.
i’m sad i don’t like alex as much as he likes me. i’m sad that i feel like i’m settling a little for a companion. i’m sad that i could break his heart when he finds out that i don’t really want him. i’m only slightly concerned that he’ll want to make our relationship official. i get the impression that he doesn’t have the courage to make such demands.
i’m concerned by my strong desire to see and sleep with aiden. didn’t really see that one coming did you? he’s taking me to a movie and dinner tomorrow night. if he picks me up then i’ll probably invite him in. i want to kiss him. i want to touch him. i want to straddle him and have him run his hands all over my skin. i want to see his cock again. i want to touch him. i want to taste him. i want to taste his mouth. taste his skin. lavish his body with kisses.
lately every time i think of aiden i feel this intense arousal. especially when i’m around him. we had a late night conversation and i discovered that he has only had sex with someone else once. i’m depressed i’ve only had sex with someone else five times since i was last with aiden. i discovered that we both still find each other ridiculously sexually attractive.
which immediately brings me back to thoughts of nick.
thoughts of how eventually i’ll fuck alex.
thoughts of how i wanted to fuck nick when we had our sick little psuedo relationship.
thoughts of whether or not sex with alex will be any good.
thoughts of how nick wants to sleep with mill.
that last one isn’t a fact but it was briefly implied by one of his friends at happy hour. this is disturbing because nick is best friends with mill’s long time on again off again boyfriend. who is admittedly in south america. meaning maybe mill is free game?
my friends posted pictures on facebook of a group of them traveling to another city to visit someone. these are nick’s friends. the friends i thought liked me too. i was surprised to see mill in the pictures. then crushed. i still feel a twist of disgust in my stomach thinking about it. they actively didn’t invite me. they actively invited mill. it felt like i’d been replaced because i was there first and now i was excluded.
i suspected this had something to do with the night i threw myself at nick.
that’s the night i’ve been meaning to write about. it was a small party to celebrate my birthday. i suggested shots. drank many shots. embarrassed myself. nick came into my bedroom that night to tell me goodnight and i pulled him into bed. being drunk and dominant i demanded he fuck me. he declined because i was too drunk. he rejected me so i tried all my tricks to get him to fuck me. tried to take of his clothes which didn’t work that well because of my impaired fine motor skills. i did get his cock out of his pants though and started to blow him which he moaned in pleasure for a few moments before pushing me away and telling me it was wrong because i didn’t know what i was doing. it was true. i don’t remember much of the evening yet somehow the humiliation of throwing myself at nick and being repeatedly rejected was all too vivid.
the ultimate humiliation was when i took off my pants while nick was in the bathroom. straddled him while he accused me of trying to rape him. took off my shirt. took off my bra. was still rejected.
i actually cried myself to sleep when he left. probably because i knew i had just lost any dignity i had left. it was pathetic.
the next day i sent him an apology text. he replied that it was water under the bridge and said he hoped my hangover wasn’t too bad and that was it. i didn’t even text him back to let him know how i was.
we didn’t talk once for three weeks. on thursday i went to lunch with mill and cage. never told mill that i saw the pictures of her with my friends without me. i never believe in telling people what they can and can’t do or who they can and can’t see so i never mentioned it. i was just seriously hurt by it. after lunch we all went back to school and as i was walking into the building with cage i saw mill was talking to a guy who turned and i realized it was nick who was also on campus. i waved initially at mill but also somewhat at nick. nick waved back and mill gave a small wave.
that night nick invited me to happy hour the next day. it had been three weeks since the event of my shame so i figured it was time to socialize again. also if this was a gesture of peace or friendship i wanted to accept it.
i suggested a martini bar with free snacks during happy hour and everyone loved my choice. things seemed awkward with the group a little bit and it was probably because nick is first and foremost their friend. it’s quite possible they knew nick had been avoiding me. i kept the martinis coming. i made some confident eye contact with nick but also couldn’t control my occasionally shifting gaze that avoided his.
it was during happy hour that nick asked me if mill was coming. i said i didn’t know that i hadn’t talked with her. that was when one of his buddies made some offhanded comment to nick that made him smile uncomfortably and attempt to deny whatever had been said. i didn’t actually hear what was said but the subtext involved nick wanting mill and it doesn’t really surprise me because she is so attractive. i pretended i didn’t hear anything instead of participating in the conversation. i got the horrible feeling that nick was denying the insinuation because of my presence. of course he should probably be ashamed since she is his best friend’s ex girlfriend.
i’m not really upset about it just a little uncomfortable. especially if this dalliance is real because mill knows nick and i slept together. she asked me point blank a week after it happened and in my shock i didn’t know what else to do but tell the truth. i didn’t deny it.
sometimes i think about how nick insisted i go home with him when i was so very drunk.
other times i think of riding him the next morning in the dark when i was only a little tipsy and much more sober. i think of how i woke up in his bed and he cuddled me before suggesting a quickie. i think about how i could have run away like a true one night stand.
i think about how he called me a day or two later and left me a silly message.
i think about how he has tremendous skill at manipulation and how he probably wanted me to think he liked me. i didn’t believe it at all at the time. it’s only the hindsight that makes me wonder. wren and yukon suggest that nick refused to sleep with me that night because i was in fact too drunk and that he did it because he liked me and respected me. i emphatically disagreed.
when i apologized to him the next day i also told him my actions were wrong. that it would never happen again and that i was sorry. in my mind i meant i would never try to seduce him again but secretly i would accept him seducing me. although i suspect it was interpreted as we will never be alone in bed again because it is wrong.
i almost think it is wrong to sleep with aiden even though i want to. what if we just had some fun mutual masturbation? that would be impossible without wanting to feel him inside of me.
so i’m going to go ahead and publish this post. it’s a horribly confused mess of men and sexual desire. i’m going to buy some groceries for the first time in three weeks. i’ve been buying lattes and clothes instead of food. it’s late but my stomach hurts and i need some food.
i have a date with alex on saturday.
leaving town for a bit August 9, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, party, the man, the sex.add a comment
i am hungover. again. you’d think i would stop doing this.
nick kept his distance last night.
i hotboxed with strangers.
nick kept his distance last night except for when i went into the basement and into the room with the keg. eye contact and smiles all around between the two of us. then his roommates, the girl roommates, the crazy roommates, started kicking people out.
so i left without saying goodbye. nick texted me after i’d gotten home and was in bed. took him long enough to realize i was gone.
i made a mistake last night. i told mill nick and i slept together. i’m ashamed that i told her because this is a private matter and is meant to be kept a secret. she asked me point blank though and i was unprepared. i struggled and refused to answer until she said “i didn’t realize we didn’t talk about sex?” that was the secret phrase because then i confessed we’d done it monday when i was hammered.
i want to ask nick if we’re outright denying this. i would be okay with that. less drama that way.
however i don’t like lying. i’m not like nick in that regard. which now that i think about it he wouldn’t even think twice about denying it so maybe i should too?
so mill asked a direct question and i answered it honestly. i could and should have told her to mind her own business.
i mocked one of nick’s female roommates last night. i got into a power struggle with another. the ugly one. she doesn’t have much going for her so she has a nasty attitude to make up for it. i won the power struggle of course. i started it when i turned down the volume on the awful music she was playing. she turned it up and kept her hand near the controls after that. i tried to change the track hoping for a better song and she batted my hand away. so i unplugged the stereo and walked away.
later that night she tried playing more awful music and turned it up loud and came into the living room where i was and looked at me expecting me to rise to her provocation. i ignored her.
strange that i start and finish things but i don’t just let other people start them. that goes against a common saying “i don’t start things i finish them.” well i have the control to start things. she didn’t have the power to start anything with me.
so overall last night was not awesome. i regret telling mill i slept with nick. may have some backlash for going up against the nasty attitude roommate. she definitely won’t be liking me. hopefully nick and the guy roommates defend me when i’m not there. i have awesome parties. i serve great food. i am funny and know how to entertain. they seem to like me. i hope they really do.
the truth was i was at nick’s apartment all last night and we didn’t touch. i am going to have to take the condoms out of my purse today. makes me nervous for my upcoming birthday party. i’d kind of like to get laid again although it only happens when i’m not expecting it. my body was in prime condition last night very soft and smooth and i had on cute underwear. i knew that meant i probably wasn’t going to be having sex. i had sex with nick when i hadn’t shaved in two days, hadn’t done any personal grooming for two weeks, and was wearing the most awful plain white cotton panties.
i doubt i’ll be having sex the night of my birthday party. we’ll see. i won’t plan on it.
the hangover August 5, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, the man.3 comments
i don’t remember it hurting that much. my 22 mile bike ride tonight was more challenging than last time. i think it’s because i was hungover. also the random three mile walk this morning to clear my head might have worn me out more than usual.
or maybe it was the night of sex with nick.
last night was the beer tour. instead of the usual three or so it was our dozen which is now our eleven because nick’s brother is now single.
nick was grabbing for my attention. even from the beginning. i indulged him with smiles but didn’t really waste my time engaging him. i planned on not getting drunk because the last few times i’ve been drinking things have gotten wild and i’ve ended up with a hangover. the trouble is i’ve become friends with the guys on the beer tour. so i got an extra ticket for two more free beers. the guys gave me the two free beers without checking off my ticket. then before i’d even finished my second beer they just poured me a third. i really liked talking with them. in fact when my friends left i stayed behind to keep drinking and talking and told my friends i would catch up. so i didn’t plan on getting drunk but before i’d even left the brewery i’d had a little over six beers. i walked downtown to the bar where our friends were. then proceeded to drink. bought a pitcher too.
so i got quite drunk indeed. at one point a few of us decided we wanted to smoke. then strangely enough we all decided to smoke. all eleven of us none of which would be considered smokers. i had a cigarette then a cigar. it was an amusing sight to see all of us sitting outside drinking and smoking.
nick kept talking to me and looking at me and i kind of smiled at him but again didn’t really respond. i confirmed with cage and her husband key that they would give me a ride home. then nick announced he was going home however i was going home. i think we ignored him just because of how random that statement was. he said it again very clearly that he was riding with me.
fine whatever i thought there was room and he could be dropped off. i was only naughty once when i walked behind him and trailed my fingers across his back. it was a flirtatious move but i was quite drunk. it was relatively innocent and didn’t mean much.
so the group broke up and we began to walk to key’s car. i was drunk. very drunk. i took cage’s arm to steady me and nick’s arm as well. for the entire walk to the car i was in between my two friends as they kept me from falling down. i don’t remember much about what we talked about just that i occasionally laughed so hard my legs would go weak and it would only be cage and nick keeping me from going down in a fit of giggles.
we got in key’s car. i was on one side and nick got close so he was more in the middle. key and cage asked us where we were going and nick said to drop us off at his house. i said that cage and key would drop nick off at his house then me at my house. i insisted on this. then nick put his hand on my leg. he was soon rubbing my clit with a slow and steady pressure. i put my hand on his inner thigh. one time i gently stroked his hard cock through his pants but i mostly kept my hands off.
i don’t remember when or how we decided i was going to stay at nick’s house. i was really drunk. i think we tried to make some excuse. we lied and said i would sleep on an absent roommate’s bed. of course this made no sense since i didn’t have my car and my house was over twenty blocks away. i vaguely remember key and cage being concerned about this decision. i don’t think they endorsed it. but when i got out of the car at nick’s house there wasn’t much room for argument.
i don’t really remember much about what happened next. did we kiss once they left? did i put my hand on his erection? i remember walking very quietly into the basement and going to the bathroom. when i came back to the room he’d taken off his slacks and dress shirt that he had still been wearing from his day at work. he had on boxers and a t shirt.
i think i kissed him?
i crawled into his bed. i think we made out then stripped clothes off. i assume i asked if he had condoms? i didn’t believe him when he’d said he had already put one on so i checked and could feel that indeed he had. we had sex. i do remember thinking about how it felt to finally have a cock in me again after four months.
all the details are blurry. every time nick asked something challenging or confusing i would comment that i was really drunk. he expressed a little concern and said if i was really drunk then i’d regret this in the morning. i don’t remember what i said.
we chatted. i put on his clothes and went to the bathroom. i came back. i think we might have cuddled. i’m surprised by how little i remember. we talked about who knew about us. he said he hadn’t told anybody. i said sam and jake knew. i made the comment that it was unfortunate i was too drunk to know better in march and made out with him where our friends could spy on us. i said that i was pretty sure they thought it was only a one night thing. which of course it wasn’t.
at some point i started stroking nick again. then i took off his clothes that i was wearing and told him to fuck me. he said he didn’t have anymore condoms and i made fun of him. i ridiculed him. i called him an idiot and a fool. then i made the comment that it was lucky i was smart and was on the pill. i’m pretty sure i asked if he was clean but don’t remember the answer. i think it might have been no. so really i was stupid. although since i consider him to be a liar it wouldn’t have mattered if the answer was yes.
i went down on him. deep throated him. i loved listening to him moan. i can’t remember if he went down on me? i kind of think he might have but i’m not sure.
while i enjoyed it the first time i don’t remember if i got off. the second time was a little soon after the first and nick didn’t get off. at some point i made the mistake of revealing that i liked to be dominated. the second time we were fucking i was moaning. i moaned a little louder and a little louder. instead of telling me what to do instead of telling me to stop he put his hand tight over my mouth to stifle my moans. i didn’t mind. his brother was in the room next door and could probably hear us.
afterwards we talked a lot but i don’t remember everything we discussed. i remember him saying the last time he had sex was in may. did i ask him that? maybe. when i expressed the idiocy of not using condoms he asked if it made it any better that the other two girls had sex with were virgins. i laughed and called him a liar. for some random reason he talked about one of his roommates and how awesome she was. i asked if he wanted to get with her. he said he wouldn’t mind. i made a sly comment about him wanting to fuck b. he responded with hell no that b was ugly. i was annoyed by his pattern of telling me what he thought i wanted to hear.
for some reason i don’t understand nick brought up last august. it was almost twelve months ago that he and i watched two anime movies that wouldn’t appeal to most people. he talked about how much fun he had with me. i said i didn’t want to talk about last august. i was starting grad school and had way too much going on to be able to deal with him at the time. he chimed in with he was starting law school and had ended up trying to get back together with his ex girlfriend that fall. i wish i had asked if he was talking about the girl all his best friends actively hate. that would have been more than a little interesting.
we stayed up until 2 talking. i would have liked to figure out what happened in may when he pissed me off so much it was easy to stop seeing him. who knows. nick said he thought i didn’t like him anymore. i laughed at him and told him he would have to say something interesting if he wanted me to pay attention to him.
a little before 6 in the morning i was woken up by his snoring. i couldn’t fall back asleep and instead watched the lightning and listened to the thunder. there was a severe thunderstorm that night. i thought about how i would slip away. thought about doing it right then and there. i just knew my clothes were everywhere and i needed to find them before i would go. after a while his alarm went off. i pretended i had just woken up. he snuggled me then after a few minutes suggested we have a quickie before he had to get in the shower. i pulled my shorts off and got on top of him. he grabbed my ass and told me to slow down that he didn’t want to come too soon. asked where i wanted him to come. my poor booze and sex addled brain didn’t have a quick response. normally i would have changed positions or given him clear instructions. instead i told him i’d rather he didn’t come in me. that it was okay if he did because i was on the pill but that i preferred he didn’t. we flipped over and he came on my stomach.
i have mixed feelings. i hate that i can’t trust him. although i also appreciate having that knowledge because then i won’t get emotionally involved. i feel like everything he tells me is a lie and is designed to manipulate.
i know we’ll have sex again. i wouldn’t mind that. wouldn’t mind fucking when i’m sober. i’m worried about when someone better comes along and he drops me again. as he’s done the last two times. at least i’m not quite so naïve anymore.
no booty calls.
this is a strange post July 26, 2009
Posted by skcity in the boy, the man, the men, the sex.add a comment
for some reason my brain still gives me vivid little fantasies when i should be writing a paper for class.
i want to go out to dinner at my favorite restaurant. i want it to be cool enough to sit outside and drink beer and wine. i want to go see a movie. i’m really interested in seeing district 9 although if harry potter is still playing i’d love to see that too. i want to go back to my place for music and drinks and strangely i want to smoke a little too. i want to have someone to go to bed with.
i suppose it’s only natural that my desires change but at the moment i want to share a bed with someone. go to sleep with them. wake up next to them. my mind thinks about the men i’ve slept with before.
i want to make love the night of my 23rd birthday.
i’m terrified i might be spending it alone.
i don’t think that will happen and i hope i have friends who care enough to make sure it doesn’t but i’m still afraid.
i’ve sent out invitations for a party that saturday night. i didn’t want to have it on my actual birthday for some reason although i’m not sure why. the night of my birthday feels more intimate. even though these are my closest friends for some reason i thought a party on saturday would be better. i will have cupcakes, cheeses, crackers, dips, and jalapenos stuffed with cream cheese and wrapped in bacon. my parties are somewhat epic.
my parties are epic but i might spend my birthday alone.
i’ve actually thought about trying to see aiden or nick the night of my birthday and the fact that i have had that thought is disappointing. i’ve toyed with the idea of inviting aiden to my city for my birthday. i think it would be dangerous to have him alone in the house with me at night. i’ve thought about being cavalier and saying he can sleep in my bed so long as we don’t do anything but i know how that would work out. i would resent my body and even though i would enjoy every minute of a forbidden encounter i would regret it after he left.
i’ve thought about what if he forced himself upon me. the fool never really had the dominance to take me whenever he wanted. i spent the afternoon thinking about the one time he did take me when i didn’t want him to. it was a good experience if you can believe that. i was angry at him. he wanted to fuck me. he tried to take me. i pushed him away. it escalated into wrestling. we were in bed and i was naked except for my panties. he ripped them off. yet i was still too angry. i didn’t want to satisfy him. i didn’t want to pleasure him. we wrestled naked and i kept twisting away from him and turning my hips just so. he was breathing very hard and fast as he tried to get in a position where he could penetrate me. eventually he was able to grab my hips while forcing my legs apart. he entered me and exhaled hard then gasped as he pushed and forced my legs further apart while i fought against him. i had my hands flat against his chest pushing him away. my arms were locked and i didn’t want him on me i didn’t want him to kiss me. i stared him down as he started to fuck me. i expected him to stop. i expected him to try and pleasure me. i expected him to do anything but what he did. which was to fuck me harder. i squeezed my eyes shut and stayed perfectly still. i didn’t move. the only contact we shared was my hands firm against his chest and his cock pounding my pussy. he fucked me just like that. he fucked me until he came inside me. when he pulled away i turned from him. i was still angry and a little shocked. i couldn’t believed he’d just fucked me after i tried to fight him off and that he orgasmed while i lied there motionless, silent, angry, and defiant. but i was also satisfied with the knowledge that when we had sex again that night he would owe me and he would give me everything i wanted. i knew i was going to have multiple orgasms that night after he bought me an expensive dinner. you should see the little grin i have on my face right now thinking of that night.
he would never do that again. he said the only reason he did it then was because he knew i wouldn’t really let him fuck me if i wasn’t okay with it. we have a safeword. i could have stopped him. if i had said the safeword he would have stopped immediately. i didn’t stop him. i was motionless while he finished. he would only force himself upon me now if he knew without a doubt i really really really wanted it.
some nights i really really want it.
not that we haven’t thought about it. i’ve tried to talk to him about it. he misses me. i miss him. yet we don’t want to get back together. i don’t want the complications that would ensue if we tried to have a physical relationship again. i can’t do that with someone i loved for three years.
if it wasn’t for the three years of history we would probably still seek each other for comfort. when i say seek each other for comfort i mean fuck like animals.
cage misses aiden. she tells me that pretty frequently. it’s been over a year and she still likes him. i can’t blame her. we were good together.
i see pictures of him on facebook and i want him to be mine. i want his lips and his jaw line and his body to be mine and no one else’s. i’m not even really jealous just possessive. they can be very similar i know but it was always the thought that his lips and his cock were mine and mine alone. i loved that we didn’t have to use condoms with each other.
that has of course changed.
i think of nick on my bed in the moonlight stroking my bare back while i gently and slowly rubbed my body against his.
i think of nick on top of me and his lips kissing mine.
i have to admit i’ve thought of getting back together with nick. i cannot believe i just confessed that. it’s rather shameful.
i want to delete those words but it’s true. i think it’s only because i want something sensual in my life. he can’t give me what i need unfortunately. that’s the fatal flaw in that plan. in regards to being a potential lover nick is an epic failure.
this is just too weird. i have to post it for the record. i wonder if i’ll really want to remember this though.
it was a nice evening July 26, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, life, party, the man.1 comment so far
so friday night i got ridiculously hammered. i hate the thought that pictures were taken of me wasted and sweaty. i sometimes get really sweaty on the dance floor. especially at this one place that gets way too hot and when i’m too drunk to keep things moderate and i just go crazy. i’m sure the pictures are horrific.
saturday night was amazing. thirteen of my favorite people. nick and i were the only single people there. everyone else was a couple. and last night more than any night before it felt that way. the boys and the girls kind of split into boys and girls parties. it’s nice we’re all friends and no one sticks close by their significant other. the only problem was when the boys and girls would mingle it seemed as though everyone was touching their partner. in intimate thigh rubbing back stroking neck playing kinds of ways. there i was single. not looking at nick. keeping him in the corner of my eye. i wondered if nick was still single. if he ever gets a serious girlfriend how will she be introduced to the group? will she be added as a friend and then develop into a girlfriend? i haven’t been around long enough to see how our group handles new relationships. or break ups for that matter. i discussed with wren last night that we suspect everyone thinks i kissed nick just that one night. which is far from the actual case.
due to my crazy friday night and my hang over saturday morning i took it easy saturday night. i was still able to have an awesome time sober. it worked out well that i was able to be the designated driver for the birthday boy and cage. as we were preparing to leave for the after party nick came up to me and asked me about my favorite trilogy. i was a little annoyed and amused. he obviously picked a topic that he thought would engage me in conversation. i’m ashamed to say i might have wandered away from him. it was just a weird topic. every time he drops the title of one of my favorite books that is listed on my facebook profile i get suspicious. last time we were in bed he mentioned east of eden and i called him on it.
it was interesting that it was an active move to talk to me. nick and i have never been active about anything. the only thing we were active about was making out when i invited him to my place this spring. those were nice evenings. shame it didn’t work. not my fault though. i’ve got to be honest about that.
the after party was a lot of fun. all of the guys took off their shirts. i don’t know why. they’re all quite handsome. it was random and they kept them off for the rest of the night. the girls had lots of chatting time. we played some video games. drank beer and sat on beck’s third story deck. had long conversations while looking at the stars. a cop came by to give us a warning that they had received a noise complaint. it was just the girls on the deck and someone slipped inside to tell the guys to put their shirts on and be quiet. i was standing by the door inside while beck talked to the cop. you see we weren’t being excessively loud but the cop said our voices were carrying pretty far and because it was late we needed to go inside. he was pretty cool about it and said he understood it was a nice night and that we obviously weren’t having a big or wild party. at which point the guys opened the door and tried to come out until i put my palm out and pushed them back inside. it would have screwed us over if the small party of six quiet girls on the deck were joined by the six loud drunk boys. fortunately one of the guys was coherent enough to get my message and got the guys to turn around and close the door. it was lucky this was just out of view of the cop. he was nice but insistent that if he had to come back we would be getting a ticket.
inside the boys played more video games and i stretched out with the girls on beck’s bed.
nick came in and asked me why i wasn’t in the other room with the rest of the party. i said i liked it where i was. he pointed out that the other room had shirtless guys. i put on a little flirty pout and pointed out this room had sexy blonde women lying on a bed. he acknowledged my point.
at three in the morning i drove cage and birthday boy home. they made me laugh the entire way. birthday boy did not wear his shirt on the way home. he also left his wallet and cell in my back seat. birthday boy was very drunk but he always makes me laugh.
he said something sweet and interesting. it warmed me and made me feel good. he said the party seems to follow me. i questioned this assertion but he insisted he really thought that. he said that whenever the group hangs out without me it’s never quite as crazy wild fun. it made me feel better to think that people have a good time in my presence. i’m not saying i’m responsible for the fun but i like to think i’m a contributing factor. it also assuages the feelings of exclusion i’ve had on occasion.
cage was drunk and sounded ridiculous last night. she was trying to have a sober conversation with me. i was sober and she was drunk and it was obvious but i love her anyway.
nick texted me sweet dreams later that morning. very random. sometimes i wonder if i’m attracted to him because of an inherent chemistry or if i’m just lonely. i suspect both. i haven’t succumbed yet. i’m a little nervous for when we go in on a keg together for james’ going away party though …
this isn’t exactly a good feeling July 2, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, party, the man, the men, the sex.add a comment
how did an invitation to happy hour and four invitations (including a date) for friday night result in me feeling lonely?
i’m pretty sure it isn’t supposed to work that way. long day at the grad school. i was super excited for the prospect of happy hour with my friends except cage didn’t answer my call or respond to my text and tonight she’s my invite. i don’t adhere quite so strongly to the invite rule now that i’m so close with everyone but occasionally i need to know i’m wanted before i make an appearance. usually someone from the gang will let me know what and when and where. it always feels good to be wanted by several different individuals in our group.
on occasion nick would be the one doing the inviting. i’ve ignored him since the little “oh we’re naked again” incident. i haven’t avoided just ignored. there’s a difference. i keep imagining him asking why. i think about different answers. trouble is i know he doesn’t really care.
so i suspect the happy hour meet up was tonight. it was left terribly unclear by cage since typically they gather on friday afternoons. i think they might be having fun without me. it would be interesting to see nick. i kind of like having the power to ignore him despite wanting to fuck him. i sure hope he wants to fuck me. that would make it all the better that i’m not going to fuck him.
i hope i didn’t just jinx myself. i hope i don’t end up writing a self loathing and satisfied post about any sex we may have.
i want to look him in the eye and let him know he doesn’t have me. he never did and because of his stupidity and immaturity he never will. i want him to look away from me because i’m the dominant bitch. i don’t avoid him because i’m scared i ignore him because he doesn’t deserve the attention. you can see it in my eyes. a mocking glimmer in my eyes and a smirking grin on my full pink lips. i warned him. a kiss is not a contract. he never had me.
poor pathetic boy thinks he’s a man and in control. i used to think he was a man before i realized how romantically impotent he was. it’s sad he was too blind to realize what we could have had. fantastic sex. geek movie nights. delicious dark beer. no commitment just respect.
it isn’t too much to ask for respect. he was lucky to catch me drunk and frisky that night. that incident helps me to understand his true colors.
i wonder sometimes if it would even be possible for him to return to my favor. however i believe the requirements are beyond him. i’d have to say five expensive dates and a month and a half of perfect behavior. it would take some major convincing. of course if he pulled those things off he’d be rewarded with very passionate sex. frequently. interspersed with blow jobs.
instead he remains someone i despise despite the sexual attraction and chemistry.
i know i’m desirable and i don’t have to waste my time with someone who isn’t going to give me what i want nor meet my expectations.
alex asked me on another date. that would be our fourth. he might be amusing to fool around with but i’m proceeding exceedingly carefully. i sense the drama and don’t want to get involved. the ex and the ex’s son make for a major turn off. doesn’t matter that it isn’t his child he was fool enough to get entangled. that kind of stupidity is not a turn on.
tonight i’ve got an attitude and a splash of arrogance. let’s hope i’m not disappointed. i wonder how much of this is insecurity. probably just boredom.
update: it was in fact a happy hour organized by nick last night. no one went except for cage and her husband. interesting.
i relapsed into bed with nick June 16, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, party, the man, the men.3 comments
it’s true. i got naked in bed with nick again. i’m really disappointed in myself.
we’ve seen quite a lot of each other lately. entirely in a friends only capacity and never alone just the two of us. of course i stopped inviting him over and it is quite telling that he hasn’t bothered to invite me out either. we don’t message each other like we used to. it’s perfectly clear that he isn’t into me.
to be honest i avoid him. i’m friendly and nice and pleasant just somewhat disengaged. even when it looks like he kind of wants to talk with me i quietly slip away without anyone noticing. that’s the beauty of our group of friends being so large. if i don’t want to talk to him i can step into another room and chat with my friends there. i avoid him because i don’t want to be alone with him. i avoid him because i don’t like any intimations about the intimate moments we’ve shared. i avoid him because i know there is no way we will ever have a functioning relationship. i still wonder sometimes how that month in april worked so well for us. we saw each other every weekend. i remember knowing the first night we kissed in 2009 that it was a bad idea.
this weekend was cage’s wedding. of course nick was a groomsmen and i was a bridesmaid. we had the rehearsal dinner the night before. i was both hoping and fearing that i would be escorted out of the church by nick. part of me wanted to touch him and the other part of me was terrified of being with him.
i didn’t walk down the aisle with nick. instead i walked with dan who i’ve mentioned before. i have to say i heart dan. i like to think of us as being pretty good friends. there is no physical attraction there although i think he is a very handsome man maybe even somewhat sexy. i’ve developed a lot of affection for him. i’m good friends with his girlfriend but sometimes i think i almost like him more. however they both have their flaws. dan was happy to walk with me and i was happy to walk with dan. at the reception dan and i slow danced for two songs. it was really very nice.
the wedding was gorgeous. the church was incredibly beautiful and i’m not even really a fan of churches. i thought i might cry but i didn’t. everyone blew bubbles as cage and her new husband exited the church. we all got on a trolly and rode downtown before the reception.
the reception hall was amazing. i can’t emphasize enough that this wedding was the best wedding and reception i’ve ever been to. all of my best friends were there. most of them were in the wedding. the food was good the beer was free the music perfect.
i looked damn fine. an incredibly flattering and sexy black dress. killer black four inch strappy fuck me please heels. my normally straight hair styled into bouncy curls. my skin a perfect golden to compliment my naturally blonde hair. my teeth were white and my skin clear. my make up was dramatic yet appropriate.
nick never asked me to dance. i felt rather sharply the truth that he just isn’t that into me. i danced with some boys. mostly my guy friends. a few strangers. most of the music was excellent group dancing music so the dance floor was buzzing with all my friends and a nice variety of all ages. the reception was well attended just not by many young single men.
at one strange and random moment nick put his arm around my waist and squeezed me tight against him then let go. i danced with him just as i danced with my other guy friends who happen to have significant others. so it wasn’t too serious. i was a little baffled though. not even pleasantly surprised. just confused.
don’t stop believin by journey came on and nick looked ridiculously excited and i shrieked. it’s embarrassing how we get around journey when we’ve been drinking. i grabbed him and shouted a comment in his ear. it was the first time all night i’d actually reached and touched him.
the night ended far too soon. so we worked out an after party. half the group was going to a liquor store while half the group was going to various bars for a drink before last call. i went downtown with another bridesmaid. drank a shot of whiskey. walked to the hotel and found the room where the after party was being held.
everything at the hotel room was a bit strange. some people i didn’t really know were there. nick was there. dan was there. dan isolated himself in the bedroom and cried. i checked on him. he grinned at me through his tears and said i was sweet. apparently he’d gotten into a fight with his girlfriend and his brother that night. never a good feeling.
i wandered out into the hallway over looking the massive atrium. there was a stranger there i thought might have been from the wedding since there were other people there i didn’t know. he wasn’t with our wedding. we chatted for a short while. then we started kissing. then we started making out. i had no idea where nick was at this point in time. he apparently was in a position to watch me make out with this attractive stranger for a short while. which means he watched me.
it got to the point where the attractive stranger was touching me through my black panties. it got to the point where he lifted my leg up onto the railing behind him. it got up to the point where he pulled my hair and grazed his teeth across my bare neck. he pulled my hair a little harder and i whimpered. a sexy whimper but already i knew he was going to be too dominant for a one night stand. i love being dominated in a steady relationship but when it comes to one night stands i like to be in control.
he invited me upstairs for a drink and he said he had crown and it sounded delicious and i hadn’t been laid in three months and i wanted to but a little voice in me knew better. i hadn’t known him for more than 30 minutes i couldn’t fuck him. especially not a stranger that was already aggressive in public. i pulled away and started verbally backpedaling followed soon by physical backpedaling and then followed by abruptly saying goodnight.
i very quickly stepped into the hotel room and locked the door behind me. nick seemed a little shocked. i was grinning. he said he thought i was going to leave with that guy and i smiled a little naughtily and said, “he just didn’t do it for me.” nick made a comment about making that guy all hot and bothered then walking away. i smiled and shrugged and said i could do whatever i wanted and that a kiss was not a contract. there were two other people still in the room. the best man was trying to get with this girl who already had a boyfriend but she was a bit of a slut.
after about five minutes stranger man knocked and i hid behind the door while nick answered for me. attractive stranger asked if kate could i come to the door and i whispered to nick, “NO.” nick made an excuse for me. then stepped outside and began to chat with the gentleman. not sure why. maybe he felt bad about closing the door on him too? then the only other girl left went outside. i watched through the peephole as she put her arm around nick’s waist. i told the best man that he needed to go get his woman because he didn’t have her tied up quite yet. the best man said all he wanted was to kiss her. the best man had wrapped his arms around me earlier so i said i would give him a kiss. it was a short and rather sweet kiss that lasted about 20 seconds. he wasn’t all that attractive but i suppose this is proof that i was feeling frisky. i sent best man to go out and get his woman. i lied down on the couch and got comfy.
before i knew it attractive stranger had pushed the door open and was in the room with his hand on my back and his face next to my pillow asking if he could spend some time with me. i said i was too tired. i was too sleepy. i didn’t like the situation. i then called out “where’s nick?” i think i may have said it with a slight note of desperation. nick walked through the room to get something and i stuck out my foot and waved it frantically. nick kindly told the guy that it was time to call it a night and the guy quietly left. the best man and slut seemed to have disappeared. i was happy for him.
so it was just me and nick. alone again in a hotel room. there was another groomsmen passed out in the bedroom. nick and i agreed we couldn’t drive and decided to stay the night on the pull out sofa. i went into the bathroom and stripped off my dress and my bra and my jewelry and put on a pair of soft gym shorts and a black tank top. when i came back out nick was wearing his undershirt and his boxers and was getting the sofa bed set up. so far i was fine with this and wasn’t concerned. i think at this point i was still treating things as us just being friends and this was just the way things were.
i arranged the sheets and the pillows as he took his turn in the bathroom. he came out and shut the bedroom door so that we wouldn’t disturb the sleeping groomsmen. together we got into bed. under the covers. it seemed kind of personal and intimate. the tv was on and we were watching the last of gladiator. the sofa bed was ridiculously uncomfortable. so with a sigh i gave in and cuddled up to him as he was soft and warm and much more snugglable than my pathetic pillow. he immediately wrapped his arm around me. he was warm. very comfortable. i liked that position immensely.
when the movie was over he turned it off and i rolled away from him onto my side so my back was facing him. he immediately cuddled up behind me. i still thought it was comfortable but i think i already knew things were headed in a certain direction. my back was to him however and my eyes were closed. somehow nick managed to mention he didn’t know if he’d be able to sleep there. i asked why and he made a comment about rarely sleeping in a shirt and he may have mumbled something about boxers. i didn’t care if he was in a shirt or not so i said with disinterest to wear whatever he was most comfortable in.
i think i should have known he would get naked. i kind of thought the boxers comment was him being suggestive i didn’t think it was him being explicit. he cuddled me wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly with his hand on my hip where my soft skin was exposed. i could feel his erection. i asked if had kept his boxers on and as i reached to lightly touch his hip he told me no. i was half turned to him and somehow it was all too easy for me to turn the last bit and kiss him on the lips. i turned around in bed and we kissed more passionately. i told him i wasn’t going to fuck him. we made out. i wasn’t wasted but still a little intoxicated.
i don’t remember my shorts coming off. i remember him trying to get me on top of him but not doing a very good job of it and i made fun of him for it before smoothly climbing on top. he rubbed his cock against my panties as if he was fucking me and i wanted it. he tried to pull my panties off but of course with spread legs that doesn’t work. at some point he flipped me over and i think that’s when my panties came off. i don’t really remember. i had gotten a hold of his cock and he touched my pussy. every time before when he has touched me i’ve never tolerated it for very long. it’s almost as though i’m impatient and don’t even want to bother with the learning curve for a while.
this time however, the alcohol made me stretch back and let him finger me until i was moaning and my body was writhing. i had a hand on his cock. he made me come. he got between my legs and i reiterated that i wasn’t going to fuck him. i kept my hand on his cock. he asked if i was worried and i suppose i trusted him because i took my hand away. he rubbed against my clit then his cock slipped down to my pussy. he pulled away and his cock bounced back up to my clit before sliding down to my pussy again. i stopped moving. he knew something was wrong. he asked if that was too close and i said yes so he adjusted himself so his cock was more at my hip. he then rolled off of me.
we kissed and since i had orgasmed i was now more focused on his cock. i was stroking it and jacking him off when i felt a small pressure on my shoulder. i ignored it. a while later i felt another small pressure. i again ignored it. the third time i felt a small push i told him he was not being subtle and i got that he wanted me to suck his cock. i licked it. i fondled his balls. i ran my tongue up and down then swallowed him whole and did my best to deep throat him. i began to blow him. i’d like to hope with some skill. he seemed to enjoy it. after a while he told me he was coming and i slurped and swallowed and licked his cock. not long after that he offered me a glass of water.
once back in bed we didn’t really touch. i realized with no alarm just clarity that nick cuddles because it gets him physical action. he had no reason to cuddle me after the fact. we chatted in bed for a while. we basically babbled at each other. he actually brought up his ex. at least i think they aren’t dating. i made some comments asked some questions.
after a bit we agreed it would be good to go home. there was no way in hell i was going to be able to sleep on that sofa bed. we got dressed. he put on his boxers i put on my black panties. together we gathered our stuff and grabbed the cooler and left the nice hotel at almost six in the morning. i fell back into our just friends routine only too quickly. i suspect he did too but i wasn’t really paying attention. once we left the room it was like it hadn’t happened. as he drove me to my car i commented that we have an odd friendship. he disagreed. he said it wasn’t peculiar. i don’t remember if he said whether or not it was bad. he made a comment about everybody being sexual beings. it seemed kind of a bull crap answer.
my pussy was a little sore the next day from having him finger fuck me so vigorously. i thought about him talking about another woman while we were naked in bed together was a sure sign he wasn’t interested. i remembered babbling about having sex being a bad idea and him asking why it was a bad idea and basically repeating the question back to each other hoping someone would reveal something interesting. i oversimplified by saying it would complicate things. at one point he repeated it back to me.
i regret it. i suspect i may always be a little attracted to nick for inexplicable reasons but i’ve given him two chances. i can’t give him anymore. he would have to do something damn spectacular to get me back and i know he won’t. i feel like he may have gotten naked with whomever was left at the end of the night. i feel like he consciously wanted some form of sex which is why he got naked so quickly. i remind myself that he stripped naked. that isn’t sexy it’s desperate.
i feel like it has nothing to do with me and i’m just convenient. i feel like i let myself be used by a man that isn’t into me. he doesn’t like me. if he did like me he would show it you know like he would ask me on a date or invite me places. i’ve tried to accept this. sometimes it doesn’t change the fact that i want to fuck him. i work out explanations in my mind why i can’t sleep with him. i think of what i would say to him.
“you’ve made it very clear that you’re not actually into me. you don’t like me as anything more than a friend. i don’t need to waste my time with guys who don’t want to be with me. if i want casual sex i’ll sleep with someone who isn’t best friends with my best friends. i can have meaningless sex with anyone. why would i have it with you?” that’s supposed to be a rhetorical question by the way. i’m convinced he’d be mind blowing in bed.
i never wanted to be his girlfriend. i never wanted him to be my boyfriend. i wanted to date him. i wanted to have a relationship. a relationship built on friendship and affection and great sex. you can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t actually care about you. i thought he did. his actions proved me wrong. i didn’t even want monogamy just trust and honesty. i like to think he missed out on a great opportunity. he could have fucked me on the regular and i would have disappeared when it was time for us to study. grad school keeps me from being serious after all. okay let’s be honest i might even be a little commitment phobic myself.
alex seems to want me. i’m thinking about sleeping with him on our next date this friday. i like to think i wait to have sex with guys i’m really interested in. you can figure out then that i’m not really that interested in alex. i’m looking forward to him buying me dinner at a romantic indian restaurant. then maybe we’ll go home and i’ll get laid for the first time in three months. alex is obviously a little desperate and eager to please.
maybe i’m a little desperate. maybe we’re all a little desperate.
i’m kind of tan so that’s cool May 14, 2009
Posted by skcity in going back, life, the boy, the man, the sex.2 comments
i suppose i could start with nick. i don’t have to but i might as well. fortunately i wasn’t emotionally invested in our relationship. unfortunately i was physically invested and so i’ve been using my vibrator a lot lately. at least i am well grounded in the knowledge that all it took to replace him was a sex toy. i’m disappointed but i’m not upset. i just don’t feel like volunteering for the sting of rejection. let’s be honest. i made it very clear i liked him by inviting him over to my house on multiple occasions and inviting him upstairs. he made it very clear that he doesn’t like me. i’m having a hard time reconciling the fact that he may try to hang out with me again. this is far from guaranteed but it is a real possibility. this has happened twice now. if i let it happen a third time i’m a fool.
i went on a date with aiden tuesday night. good to see him. i expected him to look devastatingly sexy but he only looked like my best friend of five years and lover for three and a half. we went to dinner. we chatted. made each other laugh. i looked at him and thought about the fact that he had slept with someone else. tried to accept the fact that he kisses and caresses and orgasms with other women. i get the feeling he’s had additional causal sexual experiences. part of me doesn’t think he’s that kind of man but another part of me understands that i made sure he was a very sexual individual before i left him. i wondered if he was dating someone. thought it was possible. i thought about me sleeping with someone else and it wasn’t strange.
i’m worried that i might get a little competitive with aiden when it comes to fucking other people. i think that while i wanted to have casual sex in march there was a significant desire to fuck someone else because aiden had fucked someone else. on tuesday i didn’t want to know if he had slept with anymore women because i’m a little afraid that would drive me to get naked with any number of men i’m interested in. i could see myself sleeping with ryan this weekend if i knew aiden was having lots of sex. part of my brain thinks “if aiden, who is a good kind responsible man, can have one night stands and casual sex then why can’t i?”
i’ve been contemplating promiscuity and casual sex a lot lately and in a slightly different light than usual. ryan would fuck me but i’m sure wouldn’t have a relationship with me. i’ve been told by mutual acquaintances that he isn’t looking for a girlfriend. i’ve considered the thought of having him be someone i call when i want to get laid. then that would bring the number of men i’ve slept with to five. the ratio will have tipped from 2 relationships to 3 casual fucks. four seems possibly too few but five seems definitely too many especially considering that i’m ready for some form of relationship that involves affection and intimacy. i don’t know if i’m ready for exclusivity or anything serious but after over a year of being single i’m ready to spend lazy days in bed with someone i deeply care about. i’ve realized that’s what i miss most about aiden. having my best friend naked and laughing in bed with me. i know i can have that with someone else. aiden was special and comfortable and stable and knew every way to please me so when i get lonely i miss him even though it isn’t him i’m missing.
it kind of breaks down into how many men would i be okay having sex with in my lifetime? ten? what if i don’t commit right away? ten before i reach thirty? that doesn’t sound too bad does it? then the other question is WHY does it matter how many men i sleep with? if i am safe (of course always safe that is not even a question) and responsible and enjoy it without getting emotionally hurt then why shouldn’t i sleep with men? can i have sex and not be emotionally involved? what’s interesting about my one night stand from march is that i am completely and utterly detached from him. he called me the other day and i didn’t even care and didn’t even want to talk to him. he’s quite nice i just so don’t give a damn. if i had sex with nick i know i would be involved and it would be messy which has me relieved we never had sex and also wish that i’d had that experience with him. the experience of sex that is not of messy emotional involvement.
aiden and i went to star trek. the movie i was supposed to see with nick. aiden had invited me to go on sunday but it didn’t work out until tuesday. aiden was busy texting during part of the movie and i was pissed. my imagination convinced me that he had a girlfriend that was checking on the situation. i was able to kick my rationale brain into gear and asked him what was wrong. i’d forgotten he had the radio tower at his work set up so that it texts him whenever it goes off air. he was texting to get one of his employees to get it back online. i should mention aiden now has employees beneath him and is considered boss of people. he has the unofficial title of head of operations. of course i’m never satisfied so i said i thought it should be an official title. he isn’t paid much but he has a lot of money saved. how can he still be quite the catch and has great chemistry with me in bed but isn’t the man for me?
after the movie was over we slouched down next to each other and put our heads together to talk. our shoulders and arms touched. my body remembers him. i could feel my body wanting him. i could feel my body wanting to get naked. fortunately it was only my body and not so much my sex drive. i’m really scared that if my libido was on full burn and my body was ready and willing that i would be unable to stop any advances from aiden. i’m afraid that i would gasp and moan and respond with a fierce desire that totally ignores my well being and only seeks pleasure.
i don’t want to have sex with aiden. that behavior is no longer healthy. we had sex in early october 2008 because it had been three months since i’d last had sex and i was lonely. we had sex in late october 2oo8 because we really liked the sex and wanted more. we had sex in january 2009 simply because i wanted to have sex while high. two weeks later he slept with the girl he made out with last fall. two weeks after that he tried to have sex with me but because it wasn’t on my terms i said no. when i found out he tried to fuck me after sleeping with another girl and not telling me about it i didn’t feel like talking to him. i wasn’t angry. i was just tired of the whole thing. i sincerely wished this past weekend that he and i had had a huge fight and screamed at each other and cried and broken up with such intensity there would be no way for us to go back. we never fought. we kept sleeping together for two months after we stopped dating. everything was friendly and comfortable and the same as always. it has been far too easy to slip back into a sexual relationship over the last year. i hope we can put that behind us but i feel as though without a current source of sex and affection i will always be attracted to aiden.
aiden and i went to a bar after the movie and shared a pitcher of beer. we laughed and joked and told stories. it was really comfortable. he kept his distance at the table which was good and bad and appropriate considering i’d put my purse between us and kept my distance as well. he teased me when i spilled beer and when i called him out he said he couldn’t help but hope that it would go between my breasts so he had to watch. we reminisced over a few good stories and aiden avoided glossing over our past and chose to be true to ourselves and in a way honor us by acknowledging “then we had amazing sex.” i smiled and commented on how i sure did break him in. he was a virgin when we met. he was comfortable with bdsm and all manner of positions and activities when i was finished with him. we toasted. aiden said he wanted to get high again. i told him to call me sometime when he was in my city and we would drink a few beers and maybe light up together. i know we would have fun. i know we would have to keep our distance because with all inhibitions gone we would probably make a grab for each other and regret it later. i think with a strong resolve and maybe a new fuck buddy affectionate sexual partner in place i could get intoxicated with aiden and not take off his clothes and lick every inch of his hard …
i drove him to the movie theatre where i thought his car was, forgetting it was at the restaurant. he said he had wondered where i was going and i asked why he didn’t say anything. he said he thought maybe i was driving into the country. whenever we drove into the country in the past it was almost always to have sex. i laughed heartily and then apologized for laughing at him. he asked why i was apologizing and i said because if he was serious and had been hopeful then laughing at him was not very nice but if he was being sarcastic then it was okay. he said somewhat strangely that he was being sarcastic. it didn’t ring true although i don’t think he is much more comfortable with having sex than i am. i think we both realize that despite being intensely pleasurable it is no longer healthy for us. it’s so hard to completely give up the idea because my god is it pleasurable. i wrote a protected post the last time we had sex. we went out with one hell of a bang and definitely on top. that weekend was some of the best sex we’ve ever had together.
we looked at each other when i dropped him off. i looked down. i didn’t move. he watched me carefully. he opened the passenger car door and i put my hand gently on his cheek then dropped it. he stepped out and got into his car. it was an amazing night. i think a step in the right direction despite being a horrible reminder of all the amazing sex i could be having but i’m not.
i really hoped he went home and jacked off thinking about me. maybe looking at the naked pictures he has of me. possibly thinking of the hundreds of times we’ve had incredible sex. he’s a good friend and i’m glad we got together. i looked good but i didn’t look too sexy. i want us to move on but i want him to never forget just how damn good i am.
i’m just sad i didn’t have anybody in my bed when i got home to my city.
