lying in bed.  my room is relatively tidy and my bed isn’t the usual mess.  i have christmas lights adorning my headboard.  i’m comfortable.  i finally decided to display a canvas painting of mine on a wall in my home.  it has been hidden in the basement for over two years.  it’s currently at the foot of my bed and i’m surprised to realize i like it.  i plan to hang it in the hall just outside my bedroom.  i’ve got the materials to paint some more.  i’d like to do that later this week.

i took my final tonight.  lots of writing but i like to think i managed.  i procrastinated and only studied the day of which is dangerous.

last friday night i went downtown with my downstairs roommate.  met one of her friends, who was meeting one of his friends, who brought of one his friends.

who was nice and conversational and asked for my number so that he could ask me out the following weekend.

he texted me tonight and asked me if i had plans.  i had to explain that i unfortunately already did have plans.  you see aiden is visiting me this weekend.  i am rather approaching this as the last hurrah of 2009 and of the decade with aiden.  i don’t doubt that we’ll be lovers again in the future.  i’m just thinking about 2010 as the year without sleeping with aiden.  in theory at least.

so the friendly handsome stranger somehow managed to chat me up.  impressive since it was via text.  i can usually shut down a text conversation with my responses pretty quickly but he skillfully kept it going by asking me interesting questions and flattering me.  it was nice.  he wants to take me to dinner in january although i suspect even though he’s nice we won’t end up being compatible.  i could see myself pulling a b and getting liquored up then getting naughty with him though.  he has this warm kind face that combined with very dark hair and slightly scruffy chin make him look friendly and edgy at the same time.  it’s a bit of a delicious look.  he’s slightly shorter than i usually go for then again i just typically like them nice and tall.

a lot has happened in a year.

i was obsessed with nick.  then i was resigned it would never work out between us.  i began a flirtation with a new guy.  almost by accident nick came back into my life.  we had a happy little relationship for a month or two.  it was almost sweet the way we took it slow and kissed on the weekends.  then following finals he failed to meet a reasonable but also rather high expectation of mine.  i rejected him.  i realized after reading back over my posts that he tried many times to get in touch with me over the summer.  i used verbs like “ignore” and “avoid” and words like “attracted” and “terrified.”  i realized that i was even avoiding him when we were still secretly meeting which may have sent mixed messages regarding my hopes and desires.  i saw aiden again and we even went out a few times without any form of inappropriate intimacy at all.  without even hugging let alone kissing.  i kissed lots of people over the summer and then the night of cage and key’s wedding nick and i cuddled in a hotel room and ended up naked.  i was disappointed in myself and resolved to ignore the feelings of attraction more than ever.

reading my posts i can see the increase in my desire and also strangely the increase in nick’s attempts to contact me which i continued to derisively rebuff.  then one night with enough alcohol and a well placed hand i slept with nick.  enjoyed it.  i realize now that i was getting signals of interest from him immediately following the night and morning we had sex.  he called two days later.  met up with me over his lunch hour and it almost seemed like he tried to arrange for a physical encounter which i dismissed as unnecessary and inappropriate.  he texted me with disappointment when i disappeared from his party without saying goodbye.  he demonstrated what i can only assume were good intentions when it was my birthday.  i was the one who sent a conclusive text that said it would never happen again.  i was ashamed and humiliated following a second attempt at intimacy because my drunken dominance and desperation caused me to lose my dignity.  how’s that for alliteration?  i started seeing alex again.  then i had a sudden change of heart and was interested in aiden again.  interested in a relationship of some kind.  preferably physical.  so i alternated alex and aiden each weekend.  sleeping with aiden but denying poor alex who wanted so badly to be with me.  he finally gave up and said he wanted to settle into a real relationship.  i wasn’t able to give that to him so he left.  did leave behind some nice parting gifts for me though.

grad school has continued to march on.  i’ve tried my best to be positive this year.  i’ve tried to be my best this year.  i tried to lightly patch my friendship with nick to avoid more social exclusion or alienation from our group.  turns out he was always the more important friend and when he stopped bothering to invite me no one else did either.  without actually admitting to what we did he seemed to influence my inclusion in the group.  i’m sure it wasn’t malicious.  i’m sure he was avoiding me just like i avoided him.  we did have sex after all.  more than once.  more than twice.  things have gone well in attempting to build civil relations with nick which is helped enormously along by the fact that he appears to have a very nice girlfriend.  they haven’t been together long.  whenever i wonder if i too quickly dismissed nick’s efforts to be with me i remind myself that he is a smart man.  if he wanted to be with me he would have figured out a way to make it work.  i’m wondering right now if i intimidate him?  i’ve also realized recently that my lack of faith and trust in nick may have contributed to things ending.  my belief that everything he says is a manipulative lie doesn’t make being friends with him easy and makes being his lover almost impossible.  i don’t think i’m unjustified although i wonder how accurate i am.  i’ll never know since even if he told me i wouldn’t believe him.  this year i kissed many different people.  i had sex with three men.  one of whom was the love of my life for three years and is my current dear friend of five years.  one of whom i don’t trust but find myself almost painfully sexually attracted to.  the last isn’t much worth mentioning other than he helped me move on from aiden at the time.

i’m not sure what the future holds right now.

i’m going brunette this weekend.  aiden is visting.  i hope we eat sushi.  next week i have surgery.  then it’s nothing but dvds and books while i recover.

we’ll see what develops with this handsome friendly edgy stranger.

i wonder sometimes if i believe other people are manipulative because i’m manipulative.

this wasn’t the most insightful entry but i think it might have described my journey.  i can only hope my growth.  i know my work as a grad student has dramatically improved.  i know i have grown academically and professionally.

this little space is where i’ve catalogued my personal experiences, accomplishments, and failures.  this little space is where i’ve learned that i am stubborn and that despite my direct approach to so many things in life i actually avoid many things that make me even mildly uncomfortable.

i don’t know if i’ve grown but maybe i can pretend that i’ve learned something in the last year.

i don’t even really know what to say anymore.

this summer i was on top of the world.

now it’s like i’m constantly underneath something or someone.

it amazes me how much this blog has catalogued my depression through out the years.  it has been two years of blogging on wordpress.  i’ve been blogging for five years and have accumulated hundreds of pages of my thoughts in a word document.  would it entertain or horrify?  i often think of publishing a copy or two just for myself.  i doubt anyone else would be interested in it.

i try to learn from my mistakes.  i realized today that my book where i write the lessons i learn is really just a book of mistakes.

i extended  a friendly comment to nick.  i was afraid of my own actions.  i was afraid of my subconscious.  i was afraid of ulterior motives i wasn’t aware of.  i thought that being a little bit friendly to nick might make social situations easier and hopefully more frequent.

i was right and had a nice night out with the gang last weekend.  nick was friendly and didn’t avoid me.  we had a few superficial conversations.  when a friend and i left and i announced to the group we were going to a sandwich shop nick immediately said he was going with us.  we walked arm in arm briefly the three of us but it wasn’t awkward.  i teased nick for becoming a vegetarian and told him the only reason a man would do so would be to get laid.  i laughed playfully and the banter was friendly.  when we were saying goodnight i turned to go in the opposite direction and he put a hand in front of me.  i began to put my hand out to shake his hand or give him a high five or something but realized that wasn’t what he wanted and that pulling off a handshake would be awkward.  so i gave him a hug.  he squeezed me tight and said, “that’s right friends hug each other” while i thought about how in his world friends fuck each other too.  he kissed my head and let me go.

a lot of my sadness a few weeks ago had to do with aiden.  he unintentionally hurt me.  i decided to talk it out with him one night and somehow it ended with me saying it was strange  how whenever he made  me dislike him i thought about doing unusual and naughty things with him.  yeah basically i willingly agreed to try something new with him.  so for a week or so we sent each other dirty texts and had phone sex once and set a date for when he would visit.

in the meantime i had scheduled another date with alex.

that fell through once alex told me he was uncomfortable with me.  basically he was attracted to me.  wanted to be with me.  felt like he was with me.  then when i confessed i was never going to give him anything more he decided that a casual relationship was not what he wanted.  so he went on a date with another woman who was willing to be his girlfriend.  a few days later he told me he couldn’t go on our date because he didn’t want to be with me feeling attracted to me when i wasn’t attracted enough to him and someone else was.  yeah that’s one way of putting it.

basically it means i have another failed relationship.  admittedly one i didn’t want but one that i had and one that i lost.  not really a bad thing.  i’m keeping the router and the box set of dvds he gave me.  that actually makes the whole experience better.

now i’m having doubts about aiden visiting.  it just doesn’t seem like a good idea despite my anticipation of trying something very new.  we’ll see how i feel about it when i’m well rested.  i went almost 38 hours without sleep this week and am still having trouble getting back into a normal sleep pattern.

so this is my life.  i feel dull.  i feel average.

i’m going brunette in a month so i do have that to look forward to.  i need a drastic change.  i want people to be surprised when they see how good i look new years eve.

aiden and i had the most perfect date ever on saturday night.

it was almost unbelievable.  i took off his clothes almost immediately after he arrived and we had sex.  at the time it felt like that was what he was there for.

we took a hot shower together in my candle lit bathroom.  we had steamy sex standing up.  our wet skin gleamed in the candle light and it was amazing.

then we went to a very late dinner at one of my favorite restaurants.  ate an incredibly delicious meal and drank two glasses of wine.  afterwards we went to a classy bar and had a cocktail.  then we went to another unique bar in an alley behind an old theatre for a martini.  then we went to a club for dancing.  then we stopped in a new bar that smelled like expensive cigars and had delicious beers and impressive walls of liquor.

with all the drinking i was tipsy and giggly.  i took aiden to places he hadn’t been before and we enjoyed our time together.  we had eyes for no one but each other.  except for the last bar when i hit on a girl and she and i flirted.

then on the drive home i noticed the full moon and decided i wanted to go for a walk in the country on my favorite trail.

it was gorgeous.  aiden gave me his sweater to wear and i shivered in the crisp cold fall air.  there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.  the moon shone so brightly that the trees cast distinct shadows and made a beautiful silver lace pattern on the ground.  we walked to a wooden bridge and listened to the water as he embraced me and we kissed.

we went home and had sweet slow sex.

it was the most incredible evening.  we’re definitely no longer just friends although we like to make jokes about being best friends and awesome exes.  it wasn’t just about sex either.  there was a lot of affection and tenderness.

we spent sunday in bed watching videos on our laptops and having sex.  we went grocery shopping together and i cooked a delicious frittata for dinner.  aiden loved it.  then we went upstairs and we were rubbing against each other with our underwear on.  he took his underwear off and rubbed his cock against my panties.  i liked it.  eventually i took off my panties and he continued to rub his cock against my pussy.

i’d asked him earlier that afternoon if he wore condoms to protect himself or to protect me and he gave the expected answer which was “both.”

i told him i thought it was good we were using condoms.  it was responsible.  i said “i’m not going to volunteer any information but if you ask i’ll tell you the truth.”  aiden joked that could have been about anything then i clarified by saying, “i’m referring to that which you aren’t curious about.”  ”oh.” he said, “why did you have to bring that up?”  i didn’t want to tell him i was covering my ass because that sounds suspicious.

it’s especially complex now that when aiden was rubbing his cock against my pussy he asked if i wanted to play.  i asked what he meant and he put the tip of his cock barely inside of me before he told me, “this is what i mean.”  i asked if that was what he wanted.  he asked if that was what i wanted.  then he fucked me.  slowly.  very slowly.

it had been 9 months since the last time we had sex without a condom.

it felt pretty damn good.  aiden gasped and said he’d forgotten how good it felt.  he took everything slow because apparently it felt too good.  i was ridiculously wet.  i played with my clit.  then he came inside of me.

that flat out spells chemical bonding.

i suppose that says i really trust aiden.  i got tested for stds two weeks ago and they came back negative.  so i know i’m clean.

i should make brief note that nick and mill are together practically 24/7 these days.  awkward since she is james’ ex and he is james’ best friend.  mill has a boyfriend whom she isn’t fucking.  friday night i was invited by another friend to nick’s house and had a great time playing fooseball and drinking.  later that night mill and nick disappeared for 20 minutes.  everyone was suspicious but didn’t want to go check.  eventually mill’s boyfriend went downstairs to nick’s bedroom to find out what was going on.  i din’t know what was going on.  i figured they were either having sex, making out, or maybe even talking about me.

i got tired of the scene and decided to go home.  a mistake because i’d been drinking.  i looked around and couldn’t find my shoes.  then i realized they were in the basement.  i was going to have to go downstairs and enter the awkward zone.  i slipped downstairs quickly and as i passed the open doorway where mill’s boyfriend was standing talking to mill and nick in his bedroom i pleasantly said, “just getting my shoes.”  i quickly found them in a corner of a different room and was about to make my escape when the lights came on and nick was suddenly in the room with me.  he asked if i found my shoes and i said i had and i stepped towards the door to leave.  he stepped in front of me and blocked my path.  held out his arms and said he wanted to read my shirt.  i held it away from my body and quickly pointed out a few things of interest on my threadless tee.  he was too close for comfort and i said, “excuse me” and moved to step by.  he moved aside and as i walked away i told him without looking, “goodnight.”

there was tentative talk of hanging out with mill saturday night but my date with aiden made it too easy to postpone.  later that night mill texted me a question.  i didn’t know the answer but i was also naked and drunk.  she responded with that was okay nick explained it to her.

today on campus mill seemed a little awkward around me.  not surprising.  mill is awkward.

me?  i think i’m almost dating my ex boyfriend again.  we’ve had sex on three completely different occasions in the last month alone.  all occasions involved a lot of really good sex.  aiden put it so well when i asked him about it and he said it was like we were in purgatory.  we aren’t here and we aren’t there.

we’re going to have to talk about it.  this can’t go on forever.  nothing has really changed in our lives so it would be pointless to get back together.  i’m interested in the concept of open relationships.  i’m beginning to slowly formulate more of a plan of action.  finally.

i want to casually see aiden more often.  the plan is to talk with him about what we are doing.  where this is going.

i will continue to see alex infrequently.  the plan is to establish quite clearly that i cannot be in a relationship with him.  however, i’d still like to see him.

i will adamantly try to stop thinking about nick.

it’s more complicated than that but at least i’ve stopped thinking of them equally.  that was unbelievably difficult for me.  now there is a hierarchy and i think i can work with that.

lately every time i’ve thought of alex’s arms wrapped around me i quickly think of how much better aiden’s arms feel.

damn it i’ve gotten myself into some trouble.

why is it that my solution is to meet someone new?  why do i think someone else will help?  obviously i can’t let go of the damn lot that i’ve got you’d think i wouldn’t need to add another.  considering i still think about my night with nick i’m pretty much just asking for a fucking pentagon.  not a love triangle a fucking pentagon.  because i want another man to change things for me i want another man to satisfy me so completely i stop collecting little bits and pieces from all the others.

aiden is the comfort and the good sex.

alex is the nice charming sweet guy.

nick is the asshole with the big cock.

i’ve been wanting to write.  it’s so strange when i start a post with that.  i feel like saying it though because it’s true.  it conveys that i’ve had thoughts i’ve been unable to clearly articulate.

i went on my date with alex.  nice.  he made a move and kissed me before we went to dinner.  it was nice enough and i was already tipsy.  he paid for a delicious dinner at one of my favorite restaurants.  we cuddled at my house for half an hour before going to mill’s new apartment to play board games.  i was still a little drunk.  nick was there.  i was friendly.  it was weird that alex and i were there together.

i was a bit of a tease to alex.  i only vaguely remember this but mill told me i kept saying to her over and over “i don’t want to fuck him.”  which was true.  i teased the poor boy relentlessly on the way home and then when he asked to come upstairs i said no and threw a pillow down from the loft before locking my bedroom door.  the next morning was a little dull.  he obviously enjoyed my company and i was getting bored.  i told him i was meeting someone for lunch and had to get ready.  he reluctantly left.  once he was gone i made myself a sandwich for lunch and watched a movie on my laptop.  i was just trying to get rid of him.  doesn’t speak well for future dates in my opinion.

i can tell he’s getting attached and it doesn’t do it for me.  i’ve been meaning to tell him i’m not into relationships but that i enjoy his company.  after all he bought a series on dvd that i want to watch.  i don’t plan on seeing him for three weeks.  i’m too busy.  one of those weekends i can’t see alex i’m seeing aiden.

i get the tiniest sense that aiden and i are rekindling something.  it feels a little like an affair which probably has something to do with alex.  i’m not sure at what point i considered nick back in the game though.  as in i would probably sleep with him again if given the opportunity.  my shame must have worn off by now.  i’ve thought about that a lot.  wanting to fuck aiden from one city, wanting to fuck nick in my city, grudgingly considering fucking alex in another city.  after all he does have the series i really want to watch.

there have been many sleepless nights lately.  i suspect my unusual/inconsistent doses of adderall and wellbutrin have been partly to blame.  except i also spend my nights thinking about how comfortable i feel with aiden and how uncomfortable i feel with alex.  i’ve also thought of a certain attractive feature of nick’s and it isn’t his personality.

i’ve thought about grad school.  i suspect that’s due to the wellbutrin disruption considering grad school is going fine.  i’ve thought about my grandfather who is dying.  there have been many nights lately when i’m awake until after 4:30 in the morning.  i’ve been crashing one day a week with fitful sleep.

i again blame the prescription medications and also my own actions.  i feel personally comfortable with my own personal interpretation of “polyamory” which isn’t really polyamory because i don’t love any of these men.  maybe aiden a very small amount.

how is it that we’re seeing each other again?  how is it we’re okay with fucking other people?  how is it he is still the best person i’ve been with?  i’m not sure i can even speculate where this is going.  right now i feel comfortable with aiden but it still feels a little wrong like an affair.  i don’t understand why i feel that way.  i wonder if i’ll discuss it with him.

we’ve made plans.  to see each other again in two weeks.  another dinner.  another movie.  likely another smoking session.  probably more sex.

i’ll be fucking aiden again before i go on my next date with alex in three weeks.

when b did this i was a little perturbed but i didn’t think it was really wrong.  now i’m the slut of the household.  i don’t think my roommates even knew aiden stayed in my bed.

so i have a lot on my mind.

mostly sex.  also that bit about my medications being out of whack.  also my grandfather slowly dying.

it became obvious that i needed to write again when in my typical search for information i actually googled “why isn’t there any easy answer?”

the question on my mind is embarrassing.  it’s paranoid.  it’s plausible and unlikely.

i seem to have convinced myself in the last 24 hours that nick wants to get with mill.

i am disturbed that i would actually think this.  disturbed it would actually be suggested by one of the guys.  disturbed that nick looked embarrassed and avoided the subject when it was brought up in front of me.

i’m ashamed that nick hasn’t told any of his friends about me.  i’m ashamed because that makes me think he is ashamed of me.  i’m ashamed because i think i’m not sexy.

i’m sad i don’t like alex as much as he likes me.  i’m sad that i feel like i’m settling a little for a companion.  i’m sad that i could break his heart when he finds out that i don’t really want him.  i’m only slightly concerned that he’ll want to make our relationship official.  i get the impression that he doesn’t have the courage to make such demands.

i’m concerned by my strong desire to see and sleep with aiden.  didn’t really see that one coming did you?  he’s taking me to a movie and dinner tomorrow night.  if he picks me up then i’ll probably invite him in.  i want to kiss him.  i want to touch him.  i want to straddle him and have him run his hands all over my skin.  i want to see his cock again.  i want to touch him.  i want to taste him.  i want to taste his mouth.  taste his skin.  lavish his body with kisses.

lately every time i think of aiden i feel this intense arousal.  especially when i’m around him.  we had a late night conversation and i discovered that he has only had sex with someone else once.  i’m depressed i’ve only had sex with someone else five times since i was last with aiden.  i discovered that we both still find each other ridiculously sexually attractive.

which immediately brings me back to thoughts of nick.

thoughts of how eventually i’ll fuck alex.

thoughts of how i wanted to fuck nick when we had our sick little psuedo relationship.

thoughts of whether or not sex with alex will be any good.

thoughts of how nick wants to sleep with mill.

that last one isn’t a fact but it was briefly implied by one of his friends at happy hour.  this is disturbing because nick is best friends with mill’s long time on again off again boyfriend.  who is admittedly in south america.  meaning maybe mill is free game?

my friends posted pictures on facebook of a group of them traveling to another city to visit someone.  these are nick’s friends.  the friends i thought liked me too.  i was surprised to see mill in the pictures.  then crushed.  i still feel a twist of disgust in my stomach thinking about it.  they actively didn’t invite me. they actively invited mill.  it felt like i’d been replaced because i was there first and now i was excluded.

i suspected this had something to do with the night i threw myself at nick.

that’s the night i’ve been meaning to write about.  it was a small party to celebrate my birthday.  i suggested shots.  drank many shots.  embarrassed myself.  nick came into my bedroom that night to tell me goodnight and i pulled him into bed.  being drunk and dominant i demanded he fuck me.  he declined because i was too drunk.  he rejected me so i tried all my tricks to get him to fuck me.  tried to take of his clothes which didn’t work that well because of my impaired fine motor skills.  i did get his cock out of his pants though and started to blow him which he moaned in pleasure for a few moments before pushing me away and telling me it was wrong because i didn’t know what i was doing.  it was true.  i don’t remember much of the evening yet somehow the humiliation of throwing myself at nick and being repeatedly rejected was all too vivid.

the ultimate humiliation was when i took off my pants while nick was in the bathroom.  straddled him while he accused me of trying to rape him.  took off my shirt.  took off my bra.  was still rejected.

i actually cried myself to sleep when he left.  probably because i knew i had just lost any dignity i had left.  it was pathetic.

the next day i sent him an apology text.  he replied that it was water under the bridge and said he hoped my hangover wasn’t too bad and that was it.  i didn’t even text him back to let him know how i was.

we didn’t talk once for three weeks.  on thursday i went to lunch with mill and cage.  never told mill that i saw the pictures of her with my friends without me.  i never believe in telling people what they can and can’t do or who they can and can’t see so i never mentioned it.  i was just seriously hurt by it.  after lunch we all went back to school and as i was walking into the building with cage i saw mill was talking to a guy who turned and i realized it was nick who was also on campus.  i waved initially at mill but also somewhat at nick.  nick waved back and mill gave a small wave.

that night nick invited me to happy hour the next day.  it had been three weeks since the event of my shame so i figured it was time to socialize again.  also if this was a gesture of peace or friendship i wanted to accept it.

i suggested a martini bar with free snacks during happy hour and everyone loved my choice.  things seemed awkward with the group a little bit and it was probably because nick is first and foremost their friend.  it’s quite possible they knew nick had been avoiding me.  i kept the martinis coming.  i made some confident eye contact with nick but also couldn’t control my occasionally shifting gaze that avoided his.

it was during happy hour that nick asked me if mill was coming.  i said i didn’t know that i hadn’t talked with her.  that was when one of his buddies made some offhanded comment to nick that made him smile uncomfortably and attempt to deny whatever had been said.  i didn’t actually hear what was said but the subtext involved nick wanting mill and it doesn’t really surprise me because she is so attractive.  i pretended i didn’t hear anything instead of participating in the conversation.  i got the horrible feeling that nick was denying the insinuation because of my presence.  of course he should probably be ashamed since she is his best friend’s ex girlfriend.

i’m not really upset about it just a little uncomfortable.  especially if this dalliance is real because mill knows nick and i slept together.  she asked me point blank a week after it happened and in my shock i didn’t know what else to do but tell the truth.  i didn’t deny it.

sometimes i think about how nick insisted i go home with him when i was so very drunk.

other times i think of riding him the next morning in the dark when i was only a little tipsy and much more sober.  i think of how i woke up in his bed and he cuddled me before suggesting a quickie.  i think about how i could have run away like a true one night stand.

i think about how he called me a day or two later and left me a silly message.

i think about how he has tremendous skill at manipulation and how he probably wanted me to think he liked me.  i didn’t believe it at all at the time.  it’s only the hindsight that makes me wonder.  wren and yukon suggest that nick refused to sleep with me that night because i was in fact too drunk and that he did it because he liked me and respected me.  i emphatically disagreed.

when i apologized to him the next day i also told him my actions were wrong.  that it would never happen again and that i was sorry.  in my mind i meant i would never try to seduce him again but secretly i would accept him seducing me.  although i suspect it was interpreted as we will never be alone in bed again because it is wrong.

i almost think it is wrong to sleep with aiden even though i want to.  what if we just had some fun mutual masturbation?  that would be impossible without wanting to feel him inside of me.

so i’m going to go ahead and publish this post.  it’s a horribly confused mess of men and sexual desire.  i’m going to buy some groceries for the first time in three weeks.  i’ve been buying lattes and clothes instead of food.  it’s late but my stomach hurts and i need some food.

i have a date with alex on saturday.

i am hungover.  again.  you’d think i would stop doing this.

nick kept his distance last night.

i hotboxed with strangers.

nick kept his distance last night except for when i went into the basement and into the room with the keg.  eye contact and smiles all around between the two of us.  then his roommates, the girl roommates, the crazy roommates, started kicking people out.

so i left without saying goodbye.  nick texted me after i’d gotten home and was in bed.  took him long enough to realize i was gone.

i made a mistake last night.  i told mill nick and i slept together.  i’m ashamed that i told her because this is a private matter and is meant to be kept a secret.  she asked me point blank though and i was unprepared.  i struggled and refused to answer until she said “i didn’t realize we didn’t talk about sex?”  that was the secret phrase because then i confessed we’d done it monday when i was hammered.

i want to ask nick if we’re outright denying this.  i would be okay with that.  less drama that way.

however i don’t like lying.  i’m not like nick in that regard.  which now that i think about it he wouldn’t even think twice about denying it so maybe i should too?

so mill asked a direct question and i answered it honestly.  i could and should have told her to mind her own business.

i mocked one of nick’s female roommates last night.  i got into a power struggle with another.  the ugly one.  she doesn’t have much going for her so she has a nasty attitude to make up for it.  i won the power struggle of course.  i started it when i turned down the volume on the awful music she was playing.  she turned it up and kept her hand near the controls after that.  i tried to change the track hoping for a better song and she batted my hand away.  so i unplugged the stereo and walked away.

later that night she tried playing more awful music and turned it up loud and came into the living room where i was and looked at me expecting me to rise to her provocation.  i ignored her.

strange that i start and finish things but i don’t just let other people start them.  that goes against a common saying “i don’t start things i finish them.”  well i have the control to start things.  she didn’t have the power to start anything with me.

so overall last night was not awesome.  i regret telling mill i slept with nick.  may have some backlash for going up against the nasty attitude roommate.  she definitely won’t be liking me.  hopefully nick and the guy roommates defend me when i’m not there.  i have awesome parties.  i serve great food.  i am funny and know how to entertain.  they seem to like me.  i hope they really do.

the truth was i was at nick’s apartment all last night and we didn’t touch.  i am going to have to take the condoms out of my purse today.  makes me nervous for my upcoming birthday party.  i’d kind of like to get laid again although it only happens when i’m not expecting it.  my body was in prime condition last night very soft and smooth and i had on cute underwear.  i knew that meant i probably wasn’t going to be having sex.  i had sex with nick when i hadn’t shaved in two days, hadn’t done any personal grooming for two weeks, and was wearing the most awful plain white cotton panties.

i doubt i’ll be having sex the night of my birthday party.  we’ll see.  i won’t plan on it.

i don’t remember it hurting that much.  my 22 mile bike ride tonight was more challenging than last time.  i think it’s because i was hungover.  also the random three mile walk this morning to clear my head might have worn me out more than usual.

or maybe it was the night of sex with nick.

last night was the beer tour.  instead of the usual three or so it was our dozen which is now our eleven because nick’s brother is now single.

nick was grabbing for my attention.  even from the beginning.  i indulged him with smiles but didn’t really waste my time engaging him.  i planned on not getting drunk because the last few times i’ve been drinking things have gotten wild and i’ve ended up with a hangover.  the trouble is i’ve become friends with the guys on the beer tour.  so i got an extra ticket for two more free beers.  the guys gave me the two free beers without checking off my ticket.  then before i’d even finished my second beer they just poured me a third.  i really liked talking with them.  in fact when my friends left i stayed behind to keep drinking and talking and told my friends i would catch up.  so i didn’t plan on getting drunk but before i’d even left the brewery i’d had a little over six beers.  i walked downtown to the bar where our friends were.  then proceeded to drink.  bought a pitcher too.

so i got quite drunk indeed.  at one point a few of us decided we wanted to smoke.  then strangely enough we all decided to smoke.  all eleven of us none of which would be considered smokers.  i had a cigarette then a cigar.  it was an amusing sight to see all of us sitting outside drinking and smoking.

nick kept talking to me and looking at me and i kind of smiled at him but again didn’t really respond.  i confirmed with cage and her husband key that they would give me a ride home.  then nick announced he was going home however i was going home.  i think we ignored him just because of how random that statement was.  he said it again very clearly that he was riding with me.

fine whatever i thought there was room and he could be dropped off.  i was only naughty once when i walked behind him and trailed my fingers across his back.  it was a flirtatious move but i was quite drunk.  it was relatively innocent and didn’t mean much.

so the group broke up and we began to walk to key’s car.  i was drunk.  very drunk.  i took cage’s arm to steady me and nick’s arm as well.  for the entire walk to the car i was in between my two friends as they kept me from falling down.  i don’t remember much about what we talked about just that i occasionally laughed so hard my legs would go weak and it would only be cage and nick keeping me from going down in a fit of giggles.

we got in key’s car.  i was on one side and nick got close so he was more in the middle.  key and cage asked us where we were going and nick said to drop us off at his house.  i said that cage and key would drop nick off at his house then me at my house.  i insisted on this.  then nick put his hand on my leg.  he was soon rubbing my clit with a slow and steady pressure.  i put my hand on his inner thigh.  one time i gently stroked his hard cock through his pants but i mostly kept my hands off.

i don’t remember when or how we decided i was going to stay at nick’s house.  i was really drunk.  i think we tried to make some excuse.  we lied and said i would sleep on an absent roommate’s bed.  of course this made no sense since i didn’t have my car and my house was over twenty blocks away.  i vaguely remember key and cage being concerned about this decision.  i don’t think they endorsed it.  but when i got out of the car at nick’s house there wasn’t much room for argument.

i don’t really remember much about what happened next.  did we kiss once they left?  did i put my hand on his erection?  i remember walking very quietly into the basement and going to the bathroom.  when i came back to the room he’d taken off his slacks and dress shirt that he had still been wearing from his day at work.  he had on boxers and a t shirt.

i think i kissed him?

i crawled into his bed.  i think we made out then stripped clothes off.  i assume i asked if he had condoms?  i didn’t believe him when he’d said he had already put one on so i checked and could feel that indeed he had.  we had sex.  i do remember thinking about how it felt to finally have a cock in me again after four months.

all the details are blurry.  every time nick asked something challenging or confusing i would comment that i was really drunk.  he expressed a little concern and said if i was really drunk then i’d regret this in the morning.  i don’t remember what i said.

we chatted.  i put on his clothes and went to the bathroom.  i came back.  i think we might have cuddled.  i’m surprised by how little i remember.  we talked about who knew about us.  he said he hadn’t told anybody.  i said sam and jake knew.  i made the comment that it was unfortunate i was too drunk to know better in march and made out with him where our friends could spy on us.  i said that i was pretty sure they thought it was only a one night thing.  which of course it wasn’t.

at some point i started stroking nick again.  then i took off his clothes that i was wearing and told him to fuck me.  he said he didn’t have anymore condoms and i made fun of him.  i ridiculed him.  i called him an idiot and a fool.  then i made the comment that it was lucky i was smart and was on the pill.  i’m pretty sure i asked if he was clean but don’t remember the answer.  i think it might have been no.  so really i was stupid.  although since i consider him to be a liar it wouldn’t have mattered if the answer was yes.

i went down on him.  deep throated him.  i loved listening to him moan.  i can’t remember if he went down on me?  i kind of think he might have but i’m not sure.

while i enjoyed it the first time i don’t remember if i got off.  the second time was a little soon after the first and nick didn’t get off.  at some point i made the mistake of revealing that i liked to be dominated.  the second time we were fucking i was moaning.  i moaned a little louder and a little louder.  instead of telling me what to do instead of telling me to stop he put his hand tight over my mouth to stifle my moans.  i didn’t mind.  his brother was in the room next door and could probably hear us.

afterwards we talked a lot but i don’t remember everything we discussed.  i remember him saying the last time he had sex was in may.  did i ask him that?  maybe.  when i expressed the idiocy of not using condoms he asked if it made it any better that the other two girls had sex with were virgins.  i laughed and called him a liar.  for some random reason he talked about one of his roommates and how awesome she was.  i asked if he wanted to get with her.  he said he wouldn’t mind.  i made a sly comment about him wanting to fuck b.  he responded with hell no that b was ugly.  i was annoyed by his pattern of telling me what he thought i wanted to hear.

for some reason i don’t understand nick brought up last august.  it was almost twelve months ago that he and i watched two anime movies that wouldn’t appeal to most people.  he talked about how much fun he had with me.  i said i didn’t want to talk about last august.  i was starting grad school and had way too much going on to be able to deal with him at the time.  he chimed in with he was starting law school and had ended up trying to get back together with his ex girlfriend that fall.  i wish i had asked if he was talking about the girl all his best friends actively hate.  that would have been more than a little interesting.

we stayed up until 2 talking.  i would have liked to figure out what happened in may when he pissed me off so much it was easy to stop seeing him.  who knows.  nick said he thought i didn’t like him anymore.  i laughed at him and told him he would have to say something interesting if he wanted me to pay attention to him.

a little before 6 in the morning i was woken up by his snoring.  i couldn’t fall back asleep and instead watched the lightning and listened to the thunder.  there was a severe thunderstorm that night.  i thought about how i would slip away.  thought about doing it right then and there.  i just knew my clothes were everywhere and i needed to find them before i would go.  after a while his alarm went off.  i pretended i had just woken up.  he snuggled me then after a few minutes suggested we have a quickie before he had to get in the shower.  i pulled my shorts off and got on top of him.  he grabbed my ass and told me to slow down that he didn’t want to come too soon.  asked where i wanted him to come.  my poor booze and sex addled brain didn’t have a quick response.  normally i would have changed positions or given him clear instructions.  instead i told him i’d rather he didn’t come in me.  that it was okay if he did because i was on the pill but that i preferred he didn’t.  we flipped over and he came on my stomach.

i have mixed feelings.  i hate that i can’t trust him.  although i also appreciate having that knowledge because then i won’t get emotionally involved.  i feel like everything he tells me is a lie and is designed to manipulate.

i know we’ll have sex again.  i wouldn’t mind that.  wouldn’t mind fucking when i’m sober.  i’m worried about when someone better comes along and he drops me again.  as he’s done the last two times.  at least i’m not quite so naïve anymore.

no booty calls.

for some reason my brain still gives me vivid little fantasies when i should be writing a paper for class.

i want to go out to dinner at my favorite restaurant.  i want it to be cool enough to sit outside and drink beer and wine.  i want to go see a movie.  i’m really interested in seeing district 9 although if harry potter is still playing i’d love to see that too.  i want to go back to my place for music and drinks and strangely i want to smoke a little too.  i want to have someone to go to bed with.

i suppose it’s only natural that my desires change but at the moment i want to share a bed with someone.  go to sleep with them.  wake up next to them.  my mind thinks about the men i’ve slept with before.

i want to make love the night of my 23rd birthday.

i’m terrified i might be spending it alone.

i don’t think that will happen and i hope i have friends who care enough to make sure it doesn’t but i’m still afraid.

i’ve sent out invitations for a party that saturday night.  i didn’t want to have it on my actual birthday for some reason although i’m not sure why.  the night of my birthday feels more intimate.  even though these are my closest friends for some reason i thought a party on saturday would be better.  i will have cupcakes, cheeses, crackers, dips, and jalapenos stuffed with cream cheese and wrapped in bacon.  my parties are somewhat epic.

my parties are epic but i might spend my birthday alone.

i’ve actually thought about trying to see aiden or nick the night of my birthday and the fact that i have had that thought is disappointing.  i’ve toyed with the idea of inviting aiden to my city for my birthday.  i think it would be dangerous to have him alone in the house with me at night.  i’ve thought about being cavalier and saying he can sleep in my bed so long as we don’t do anything but i know how that would work out.  i would resent my body and even though i would enjoy every minute of a forbidden encounter i would regret it after he left.

i’ve thought about what if he forced himself upon me.  the fool never really had the dominance to take me whenever he wanted.  i spent the afternoon thinking about the one time he did take me when i didn’t want him to.  it was a good experience if you can believe that.  i was angry at him.  he wanted to fuck me.  he tried to take me.  i pushed him away.  it escalated into wrestling.  we were in bed and i was naked except for my panties.  he ripped them off.  yet i was still too angry.  i didn’t want to satisfy him.  i didn’t want to pleasure him.  we wrestled naked and i kept twisting away from him and turning my hips just so.  he was breathing very hard and fast as he tried to get in a position where he could penetrate me.  eventually he was able to grab my hips while forcing my legs apart.  he entered me and exhaled hard then gasped as he pushed and forced my legs further apart while i fought against him.  i had my hands flat against his chest pushing him away.  my arms were locked and i didn’t want him on me i didn’t want him to kiss me.  i stared him down as he started to fuck me.  i expected him to stop.  i expected him to try and pleasure me.  i expected him to do anything but what he did.  which was to fuck me harder.  i squeezed my eyes shut and stayed perfectly still.  i didn’t move.  the only contact we shared was my hands firm against his chest and his cock pounding my pussy.  he fucked me just like that.  he fucked me until he came inside me.  when he pulled away i turned from him.  i was still angry and a little shocked.  i couldn’t believed he’d just fucked me after i tried to fight him off and that he orgasmed while i lied there motionless, silent, angry, and defiant.  but i was also satisfied with the knowledge that when we had sex again that night he would owe me and he would give me everything i wanted.  i knew i was going to have multiple orgasms that night after he bought me an expensive dinner.  you should see the little grin i have on my face right now thinking of that night.

he would never do that again.  he said the only reason he did it then was because he knew i wouldn’t really let him fuck me if i wasn’t okay with it.  we have a safeword.  i could have stopped him.  if i had said the safeword he would have stopped immediately.  i didn’t stop him.  i was motionless while he finished.  he would only force himself upon me now if he knew without a doubt i really really really wanted it.

some nights i really really want it.

not that we haven’t thought about it.  i’ve tried to talk to him about it.  he misses me.  i miss him.  yet we don’t want to get back together.  i don’t want the complications that would ensue if we tried to have a physical relationship again.  i can’t do that with someone i loved for three years.

if it wasn’t for the three years of history we would probably still seek each other for comfort.  when i say seek each other for comfort i mean fuck like animals.

cage misses aiden.  she tells me that pretty frequently.  it’s been over  a year and she still likes him.  i can’t blame her.  we were good together.

i see pictures of him on facebook and i want him to be mine.  i want his lips and his jaw line and his body to be mine and no one else’s.  i’m not even really jealous just possessive.  they can be very similar i know but it was always the thought that his lips and his cock were mine and mine alone.  i loved that we didn’t have to use condoms with each other.

that has of course changed.

i think of nick on my bed in the moonlight stroking my bare back while i gently and slowly rubbed my body against his.

i think of nick on top of me and his lips kissing mine.

i have to admit i’ve thought of getting back together with nick.  i cannot believe i just confessed that.  it’s rather shameful.

i want to delete those words but it’s true.  i think it’s only because i want something sensual in my life.  he can’t give me what i need unfortunately.  that’s the fatal flaw in that plan.  in regards to being a potential lover nick is an epic failure.

this is just too weird.  i have to post it for the record.  i wonder if i’ll really want to remember this though.

so friday night i got ridiculously hammered.  i hate the thought that pictures were taken of me wasted and sweaty.  i sometimes get really sweaty on the dance floor.  especially at this one place that gets way too hot and when i’m too drunk to keep things moderate and i just go crazy.  i’m sure the pictures are horrific.

saturday night was amazing.  thirteen of my favorite people.  nick and i were the only single people there.  everyone else was a couple.  and last night more than any night before it felt that way.  the boys and the girls kind of split into boys and girls parties.  it’s nice we’re all friends and no one sticks close by their significant other.  the only problem was when the boys and girls would mingle it seemed as though everyone was touching their partner.  in intimate thigh rubbing back stroking neck playing kinds of ways.  there i was single.  not looking at nick.  keeping him in the corner of my eye.  i wondered if nick was still single.  if he ever gets a serious girlfriend how will she be introduced to the group?  will she be added as a friend and then develop into a girlfriend?  i haven’t been around long enough to see how our group handles new relationships.  or break ups for that matter.  i discussed with wren last night that we suspect everyone thinks i kissed nick just that one night.  which is far from the actual case.

due to my crazy friday night and my hang over saturday morning i took it easy saturday night.  i was still able to have an awesome time sober.  it worked out well that i was able to be the designated driver for the birthday boy and cage.  as we were preparing to leave for the after party nick came up to me and asked me about my favorite trilogy.  i was a little annoyed and amused.  he obviously picked a topic that he thought would engage me in conversation.  i’m ashamed to say i might have wandered away from him.  it was just a weird topic.  every time he drops the title of one of my favorite books that is listed on my facebook profile i get suspicious.  last time we were in bed he mentioned east of eden and i called him on it.

it was interesting that it was an active move to talk to me.  nick and i have never been active about anything.  the only thing we were active about was making out when i invited him to my place this spring.  those were nice evenings.  shame it didn’t work.  not my fault though.  i’ve got to be honest about that.

the after party was a lot of fun.  all of the guys took off their shirts.  i don’t know why.  they’re all quite handsome.  it was random and they kept them off for the rest of the night.  the girls had lots of chatting time.  we played some video games.  drank beer and sat on beck’s third story deck.  had long conversations while looking at the stars.  a cop came by to give us a warning that they had received a noise complaint.  it was just the girls on the deck and someone slipped inside to tell the guys to put their shirts on and be quiet.  i was standing by the door inside while beck talked to the cop.  you see we weren’t being excessively loud but the cop said our voices were carrying pretty far and because it was late we needed to go inside.  he was pretty cool about it and said he understood it was a nice night and that we obviously weren’t having a big or wild party.  at which point the guys opened the door and tried to come out until i put my palm out and pushed them back inside.  it would have screwed us over if the small party of six quiet girls on the deck were joined by the six loud drunk boys.  fortunately one of the guys was coherent enough to get my message and got the guys to turn around and close the door.  it was lucky this was just out of view of the cop.  he was nice but insistent that if he had to come back we would be getting a ticket.

inside the boys played more video games and i stretched out with the girls on beck’s bed.

nick came in and asked me why i wasn’t in the other room with the rest of the party.  i said i liked it where i was.  he pointed out that the other room had shirtless guys.  i put on a little flirty pout and pointed out this room had sexy blonde women lying on a bed.  he acknowledged my point.

at three in the morning i drove cage and birthday boy home.  they made me laugh the entire way.  birthday boy did not wear his shirt on the way home.  he also left his wallet and cell in my back seat.  birthday boy was very drunk but he always makes me laugh.

he said something sweet and interesting.  it warmed me and made me feel good.  he said the party seems to follow me.  i questioned this assertion but he insisted he really thought that.  he said that whenever the group hangs out without me it’s never quite as crazy wild fun.  it made me feel better to think that people have a good time in my presence.  i’m not saying i’m responsible for the fun but i like to think i’m a contributing factor.  it also assuages the feelings of exclusion i’ve had on occasion.

cage was drunk and sounded ridiculous last night.  she was trying to have a sober conversation with me.  i was sober and she was drunk and it was obvious but i love her anyway.

nick texted me sweet dreams later that morning.  very random.  sometimes i wonder if i’m attracted to him because of an inherent chemistry or if i’m just lonely.  i suspect both.  i haven’t succumbed yet.  i’m a little nervous for when we go in on a keg together for james’ going away party though …