this isn’t exactly a good feeling July 2, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, party, the man, the men, the sex.add a comment
how did an invitation to happy hour and four invitations (including a date) for friday night result in me feeling lonely?
i’m pretty sure it isn’t supposed to work that way. long day at the grad school. i was super excited for the prospect of happy hour with my friends except cage didn’t answer my call or respond to my text and tonight she’s my invite. i don’t adhere quite so strongly to the invite rule now that i’m so close with everyone but occasionally i need to know i’m wanted before i make an appearance. usually someone from the gang will let me know what and when and where. it always feels good to be wanted by several different individuals in our group.
on occasion nick would be the one doing the inviting. i’ve ignored him since the little “oh we’re naked again” incident. i haven’t avoided just ignored. there’s a difference. i keep imagining him asking why. i think about different answers. trouble is i know he doesn’t really care.
so i suspect the happy hour meet up was tonight. it was left terribly unclear by cage since typically they gather on friday afternoons. i think they might be having fun without me. it would be interesting to see nick. i kind of like having the power to ignore him despite wanting to fuck him. i sure hope he wants to fuck me. that would make it all the better that i’m not going to fuck him.
i hope i didn’t just jinx myself. i hope i don’t end up writing a self loathing and satisfied post about any sex we may have.
i want to look him in the eye and let him know he doesn’t have me. he never did and because of his stupidity and immaturity he never will. i want him to look away from me because i’m the dominant bitch. i don’t avoid him because i’m scared i ignore him because he doesn’t deserve the attention. you can see it in my eyes. a mocking glimmer in my eyes and a smirking grin on my full pink lips. i warned him. a kiss is not a contract. he never had me.
poor pathetic boy thinks he’s a man and in control. i used to think he was a man before i realized how romantically impotent he was. it’s sad he was too blind to realize what we could have had. fantastic sex. geek movie nights. delicious dark beer. no commitment just respect.
it isn’t too much to ask for respect. he was lucky to catch me drunk and frisky that night. that incident helps me to understand his true colors.
i wonder sometimes if it would even be possible for him to return to my favor. however i believe the requirements are beyond him. i’d have to say five expensive dates and a month and a half of perfect behavior. it would take some major convincing. of course if he pulled those things off he’d be rewarded with very passionate sex. frequently. interspersed with blow jobs.
instead he remains someone i despise despite the sexual attraction and chemistry.
i know i’m desirable and i don’t have to waste my time with someone who isn’t going to give me what i want nor meet my expectations.
alex asked me on another date. that would be our fourth. he might be amusing to fool around with but i’m proceeding exceedingly carefully. i sense the drama and don’t want to get involved. the ex and the ex’s son make for a major turn off. doesn’t matter that it isn’t his child he was fool enough to get entangled. that kind of stupidity is not a turn on.
tonight i’ve got an attitude and a splash of arrogance. let’s hope i’m not disappointed. i wonder how much of this is insecurity. probably just boredom.
update: it was in fact a happy hour organized by nick last night. no one went except for cage and her husband. interesting.
i relapsed into bed with nick June 16, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, party, the man, the men.3 comments
it’s true. i got naked in bed with nick again. i’m really disappointed in myself.
we’ve seen quite a lot of each other lately. entirely in a friends only capacity and never alone just the two of us. of course i stopped inviting him over and it is quite telling that he hasn’t bothered to invite me out either. we don’t message each other like we used to. it’s perfectly clear that he isn’t into me.
to be honest i avoid him. i’m friendly and nice and pleasant just somewhat disengaged. even when it looks like he kind of wants to talk with me i quietly slip away without anyone noticing. that’s the beauty of our group of friends being so large. if i don’t want to talk to him i can step into another room and chat with my friends there. i avoid him because i don’t want to be alone with him. i avoid him because i don’t like any intimations about the intimate moments we’ve shared. i avoid him because i know there is no way we will ever have a functioning relationship. i still wonder sometimes how that month in april worked so well for us. we saw each other every weekend. i remember knowing the first night we kissed in 2009 that it was a bad idea.
this weekend was cage’s wedding. of course nick was a groomsmen and i was a bridesmaid. we had the rehearsal dinner the night before. i was both hoping and fearing that i would be escorted out of the church by nick. part of me wanted to touch him and the other part of me was terrified of being with him.
i didn’t walk down the aisle with nick. instead i walked with dan who i’ve mentioned before. i have to say i heart dan. i like to think of us as being pretty good friends. there is no physical attraction there although i think he is a very handsome man maybe even somewhat sexy. i’ve developed a lot of affection for him. i’m good friends with his girlfriend but sometimes i think i almost like him more. however they both have their flaws. dan was happy to walk with me and i was happy to walk with dan. at the reception dan and i slow danced for two songs. it was really very nice.
the wedding was gorgeous. the church was incredibly beautiful and i’m not even really a fan of churches. i thought i might cry but i didn’t. everyone blew bubbles as cage and her new husband exited the church. we all got on a trolly and rode downtown before the reception.
the reception hall was amazing. i can’t emphasize enough that this wedding was the best wedding and reception i’ve ever been to. all of my best friends were there. most of them were in the wedding. the food was good the beer was free the music perfect.
i looked damn fine. an incredibly flattering and sexy black dress. killer black four inch strappy fuck me please heels. my normally straight hair styled into bouncy curls. my skin a perfect golden to compliment my naturally blonde hair. my teeth were white and my skin clear. my make up was dramatic yet appropriate.
nick never asked me to dance. i felt rather sharply the truth that he just isn’t that into me. i danced with some boys. mostly my guy friends. a few strangers. most of the music was excellent group dancing music so the dance floor was buzzing with all my friends and a nice variety of all ages. the reception was well attended just not by many young single men.
at one strange and random moment nick put his arm around my waist and squeezed me tight against him then let go. i danced with him just as i danced with my other guy friends who happen to have significant others. so it wasn’t too serious. i was a little baffled though. not even pleasantly surprised. just confused.
don’t stop believin by journey came on and nick looked ridiculously excited and i shrieked. it’s embarrassing how we get around journey when we’ve been drinking. i grabbed him and shouted a comment in his ear. it was the first time all night i’d actually reached and touched him.
the night ended far too soon. so we worked out an after party. half the group was going to a liquor store while half the group was going to various bars for a drink before last call. i went downtown with another bridesmaid. drank a shot of whiskey. walked to the hotel and found the room where the after party was being held.
everything at the hotel room was a bit strange. some people i didn’t really know were there. nick was there. dan was there. dan isolated himself in the bedroom and cried. i checked on him. he grinned at me through his tears and said i was sweet. apparently he’d gotten into a fight with his girlfriend and his brother that night. never a good feeling.
i wandered out into the hallway over looking the massive atrium. there was a stranger there i thought might have been from the wedding since there were other people there i didn’t know. he wasn’t with our wedding. we chatted for a short while. then we started kissing. then we started making out. i had no idea where nick was at this point in time. he apparently was in a position to watch me make out with this attractive stranger for a short while. which means he watched me.
it got to the point where the attractive stranger was touching me through my black panties. it got to the point where he lifted my leg up onto the railing behind him. it got up to the point where he pulled my hair and grazed his teeth across my bare neck. he pulled my hair a little harder and i whimpered. a sexy whimper but already i knew he was going to be too dominant for a one night stand. i love being dominated in a steady relationship but when it comes to one night stands i like to be in control.
he invited me upstairs for a drink and he said he had crown and it sounded delicious and i hadn’t been laid in three months and i wanted to but a little voice in me knew better. i hadn’t known him for more than 30 minutes i couldn’t fuck him. especially not a stranger that was already aggressive in public. i pulled away and started verbally backpedaling followed soon by physical backpedaling and then followed by abruptly saying goodnight.
i very quickly stepped into the hotel room and locked the door behind me. nick seemed a little shocked. i was grinning. he said he thought i was going to leave with that guy and i smiled a little naughtily and said, “he just didn’t do it for me.” nick made a comment about making that guy all hot and bothered then walking away. i smiled and shrugged and said i could do whatever i wanted and that a kiss was not a contract. there were two other people still in the room. the best man was trying to get with this girl who already had a boyfriend but she was a bit of a slut.
after about five minutes stranger man knocked and i hid behind the door while nick answered for me. attractive stranger asked if kate could i come to the door and i whispered to nick, “NO.” nick made an excuse for me. then stepped outside and began to chat with the gentleman. not sure why. maybe he felt bad about closing the door on him too? then the only other girl left went outside. i watched through the peephole as she put her arm around nick’s waist. i told the best man that he needed to go get his woman because he didn’t have her tied up quite yet. the best man said all he wanted was to kiss her. the best man had wrapped his arms around me earlier so i said i would give him a kiss. it was a short and rather sweet kiss that lasted about 20 seconds. he wasn’t all that attractive but i suppose this is proof that i was feeling frisky. i sent best man to go out and get his woman. i lied down on the couch and got comfy.
before i knew it attractive stranger had pushed the door open and was in the room with his hand on my back and his face next to my pillow asking if he could spend some time with me. i said i was too tired. i was too sleepy. i didn’t like the situation. i then called out “where’s nick?” i think i may have said it with a slight note of desperation. nick walked through the room to get something and i stuck out my foot and waved it frantically. nick kindly told the guy that it was time to call it a night and the guy quietly left. the best man and slut seemed to have disappeared. i was happy for him.
so it was just me and nick. alone again in a hotel room. there was another groomsmen passed out in the bedroom. nick and i agreed we couldn’t drive and decided to stay the night on the pull out sofa. i went into the bathroom and stripped off my dress and my bra and my jewelry and put on a pair of soft gym shorts and a black tank top. when i came back out nick was wearing his undershirt and his boxers and was getting the sofa bed set up. so far i was fine with this and wasn’t concerned. i think at this point i was still treating things as us just being friends and this was just the way things were.
i arranged the sheets and the pillows as he took his turn in the bathroom. he came out and shut the bedroom door so that we wouldn’t disturb the sleeping groomsmen. together we got into bed. under the covers. it seemed kind of personal and intimate. the tv was on and we were watching the last of gladiator. the sofa bed was ridiculously uncomfortable. so with a sigh i gave in and cuddled up to him as he was soft and warm and much more snugglable than my pathetic pillow. he immediately wrapped his arm around me. he was warm. very comfortable. i liked that position immensely.
when the movie was over he turned it off and i rolled away from him onto my side so my back was facing him. he immediately cuddled up behind me. i still thought it was comfortable but i think i already knew things were headed in a certain direction. my back was to him however and my eyes were closed. somehow nick managed to mention he didn’t know if he’d be able to sleep there. i asked why and he made a comment about rarely sleeping in a shirt and he may have mumbled something about boxers. i didn’t care if he was in a shirt or not so i said with disinterest to wear whatever he was most comfortable in.
i think i should have known he would get naked. i kind of thought the boxers comment was him being suggestive i didn’t think it was him being explicit. he cuddled me wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly with his hand on my hip where my soft skin was exposed. i could feel his erection. i asked if had kept his boxers on and as i reached to lightly touch his hip he told me no. i was half turned to him and somehow it was all too easy for me to turn the last bit and kiss him on the lips. i turned around in bed and we kissed more passionately. i told him i wasn’t going to fuck him. we made out. i wasn’t wasted but still a little intoxicated.
i don’t remember my shorts coming off. i remember him trying to get me on top of him but not doing a very good job of it and i made fun of him for it before smoothly climbing on top. he rubbed his cock against my panties as if he was fucking me and i wanted it. he tried to pull my panties off but of course with spread legs that doesn’t work. at some point he flipped me over and i think that’s when my panties came off. i don’t really remember. i had gotten a hold of his cock and he touched my pussy. every time before when he has touched me i’ve never tolerated it for very long. it’s almost as though i’m impatient and don’t even want to bother with the learning curve for a while.
this time however, the alcohol made me stretch back and let him finger me until i was moaning and my body was writhing. i had a hand on his cock. he made me come. he got between my legs and i reiterated that i wasn’t going to fuck him. i kept my hand on his cock. he asked if i was worried and i suppose i trusted him because i took my hand away. he rubbed against my clit then his cock slipped down to my pussy. he pulled away and his cock bounced back up to my clit before sliding down to my pussy again. i stopped moving. he knew something was wrong. he asked if that was too close and i said yes so he adjusted himself so his cock was more at my hip. he then rolled off of me.
we kissed and since i had orgasmed i was now more focused on his cock. i was stroking it and jacking him off when i felt a small pressure on my shoulder. i ignored it. a while later i felt another small pressure. i again ignored it. the third time i felt a small push i told him he was not being subtle and i got that he wanted me to suck his cock. i licked it. i fondled his balls. i ran my tongue up and down then swallowed him whole and did my best to deep throat him. i began to blow him. i’d like to hope with some skill. he seemed to enjoy it. after a while he told me he was coming and i slurped and swallowed and licked his cock. not long after that he offered me a glass of water.
once back in bed we didn’t really touch. i realized with no alarm just clarity that nick cuddles because it gets him physical action. he had no reason to cuddle me after the fact. we chatted in bed for a while. we basically babbled at each other. he actually brought up his ex. at least i think they aren’t dating. i made some comments asked some questions.
after a bit we agreed it would be good to go home. there was no way in hell i was going to be able to sleep on that sofa bed. we got dressed. he put on his boxers i put on my black panties. together we gathered our stuff and grabbed the cooler and left the nice hotel at almost six in the morning. i fell back into our just friends routine only too quickly. i suspect he did too but i wasn’t really paying attention. once we left the room it was like it hadn’t happened. as he drove me to my car i commented that we have an odd friendship. he disagreed. he said it wasn’t peculiar. i don’t remember if he said whether or not it was bad. he made a comment about everybody being sexual beings. it seemed kind of a bull crap answer.
my pussy was a little sore the next day from having him finger fuck me so vigorously. i thought about him talking about another woman while we were naked in bed together was a sure sign he wasn’t interested. i remembered babbling about having sex being a bad idea and him asking why it was a bad idea and basically repeating the question back to each other hoping someone would reveal something interesting. i oversimplified by saying it would complicate things. at one point he repeated it back to me.
i regret it. i suspect i may always be a little attracted to nick for inexplicable reasons but i’ve given him two chances. i can’t give him anymore. he would have to do something damn spectacular to get me back and i know he won’t. i feel like he may have gotten naked with whomever was left at the end of the night. i feel like he consciously wanted some form of sex which is why he got naked so quickly. i remind myself that he stripped naked. that isn’t sexy it’s desperate.
i feel like it has nothing to do with me and i’m just convenient. i feel like i let myself be used by a man that isn’t into me. he doesn’t like me. if he did like me he would show it you know like he would ask me on a date or invite me places. i’ve tried to accept this. sometimes it doesn’t change the fact that i want to fuck him. i work out explanations in my mind why i can’t sleep with him. i think of what i would say to him.
“you’ve made it very clear that you’re not actually into me. you don’t like me as anything more than a friend. i don’t need to waste my time with guys who don’t want to be with me. if i want casual sex i’ll sleep with someone who isn’t best friends with my best friends. i can have meaningless sex with anyone. why would i have it with you?” that’s supposed to be a rhetorical question by the way. i’m convinced he’d be mind blowing in bed.
i never wanted to be his girlfriend. i never wanted him to be my boyfriend. i wanted to date him. i wanted to have a relationship. a relationship built on friendship and affection and great sex. you can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t actually care about you. i thought he did. his actions proved me wrong. i didn’t even want monogamy just trust and honesty. i like to think he missed out on a great opportunity. he could have fucked me on the regular and i would have disappeared when it was time for us to study. grad school keeps me from being serious after all. okay let’s be honest i might even be a little commitment phobic myself.
alex seems to want me. i’m thinking about sleeping with him on our next date this friday. i like to think i wait to have sex with guys i’m really interested in. you can figure out then that i’m not really that interested in alex. i’m looking forward to him buying me dinner at a romantic indian restaurant. then maybe we’ll go home and i’ll get laid for the first time in three months. alex is obviously a little desperate and eager to please.
maybe i’m a little desperate. maybe we’re all a little desperate.
i’m kind of tan so that’s cool May 14, 2009
Posted by skcity in going back, life, the boy, the man, the sex.2 comments
i suppose i could start with nick. i don’t have to but i might as well. fortunately i wasn’t emotionally invested in our relationship. unfortunately i was physically invested and so i’ve been using my vibrator a lot lately. at least i am well grounded in the knowledge that all it took to replace him was a sex toy. i’m disappointed but i’m not upset. i just don’t feel like volunteering for the sting of rejection. let’s be honest. i made it very clear i liked him by inviting him over to my house on multiple occasions and inviting him upstairs. he made it very clear that he doesn’t like me. i’m having a hard time reconciling the fact that he may try to hang out with me again. this is far from guaranteed but it is a real possibility. this has happened twice now. if i let it happen a third time i’m a fool.
i went on a date with aiden tuesday night. good to see him. i expected him to look devastatingly sexy but he only looked like my best friend of five years and lover for three and a half. we went to dinner. we chatted. made each other laugh. i looked at him and thought about the fact that he had slept with someone else. tried to accept the fact that he kisses and caresses and orgasms with other women. i get the feeling he’s had additional causal sexual experiences. part of me doesn’t think he’s that kind of man but another part of me understands that i made sure he was a very sexual individual before i left him. i wondered if he was dating someone. thought it was possible. i thought about me sleeping with someone else and it wasn’t strange.
i’m worried that i might get a little competitive with aiden when it comes to fucking other people. i think that while i wanted to have casual sex in march there was a significant desire to fuck someone else because aiden had fucked someone else. on tuesday i didn’t want to know if he had slept with anymore women because i’m a little afraid that would drive me to get naked with any number of men i’m interested in. i could see myself sleeping with ryan this weekend if i knew aiden was having lots of sex. part of my brain thinks “if aiden, who is a good kind responsible man, can have one night stands and casual sex then why can’t i?”
i’ve been contemplating promiscuity and casual sex a lot lately and in a slightly different light than usual. ryan would fuck me but i’m sure wouldn’t have a relationship with me. i’ve been told by mutual acquaintances that he isn’t looking for a girlfriend. i’ve considered the thought of having him be someone i call when i want to get laid. then that would bring the number of men i’ve slept with to five. the ratio will have tipped from 2 relationships to 3 casual fucks. four seems possibly too few but five seems definitely too many especially considering that i’m ready for some form of relationship that involves affection and intimacy. i don’t know if i’m ready for exclusivity or anything serious but after over a year of being single i’m ready to spend lazy days in bed with someone i deeply care about. i’ve realized that’s what i miss most about aiden. having my best friend naked and laughing in bed with me. i know i can have that with someone else. aiden was special and comfortable and stable and knew every way to please me so when i get lonely i miss him even though it isn’t him i’m missing.
it kind of breaks down into how many men would i be okay having sex with in my lifetime? ten? what if i don’t commit right away? ten before i reach thirty? that doesn’t sound too bad does it? then the other question is WHY does it matter how many men i sleep with? if i am safe (of course always safe that is not even a question) and responsible and enjoy it without getting emotionally hurt then why shouldn’t i sleep with men? can i have sex and not be emotionally involved? what’s interesting about my one night stand from march is that i am completely and utterly detached from him. he called me the other day and i didn’t even care and didn’t even want to talk to him. he’s quite nice i just so don’t give a damn. if i had sex with nick i know i would be involved and it would be messy which has me relieved we never had sex and also wish that i’d had that experience with him. the experience of sex that is not of messy emotional involvement.
aiden and i went to star trek. the movie i was supposed to see with nick. aiden had invited me to go on sunday but it didn’t work out until tuesday. aiden was busy texting during part of the movie and i was pissed. my imagination convinced me that he had a girlfriend that was checking on the situation. i was able to kick my rationale brain into gear and asked him what was wrong. i’d forgotten he had the radio tower at his work set up so that it texts him whenever it goes off air. he was texting to get one of his employees to get it back online. i should mention aiden now has employees beneath him and is considered boss of people. he has the unofficial title of head of operations. of course i’m never satisfied so i said i thought it should be an official title. he isn’t paid much but he has a lot of money saved. how can he still be quite the catch and has great chemistry with me in bed but isn’t the man for me?
after the movie was over we slouched down next to each other and put our heads together to talk. our shoulders and arms touched. my body remembers him. i could feel my body wanting him. i could feel my body wanting to get naked. fortunately it was only my body and not so much my sex drive. i’m really scared that if my libido was on full burn and my body was ready and willing that i would be unable to stop any advances from aiden. i’m afraid that i would gasp and moan and respond with a fierce desire that totally ignores my well being and only seeks pleasure.
i don’t want to have sex with aiden. that behavior is no longer healthy. we had sex in early october 2008 because it had been three months since i’d last had sex and i was lonely. we had sex in late october 2oo8 because we really liked the sex and wanted more. we had sex in january 2009 simply because i wanted to have sex while high. two weeks later he slept with the girl he made out with last fall. two weeks after that he tried to have sex with me but because it wasn’t on my terms i said no. when i found out he tried to fuck me after sleeping with another girl and not telling me about it i didn’t feel like talking to him. i wasn’t angry. i was just tired of the whole thing. i sincerely wished this past weekend that he and i had had a huge fight and screamed at each other and cried and broken up with such intensity there would be no way for us to go back. we never fought. we kept sleeping together for two months after we stopped dating. everything was friendly and comfortable and the same as always. it has been far too easy to slip back into a sexual relationship over the last year. i hope we can put that behind us but i feel as though without a current source of sex and affection i will always be attracted to aiden.
aiden and i went to a bar after the movie and shared a pitcher of beer. we laughed and joked and told stories. it was really comfortable. he kept his distance at the table which was good and bad and appropriate considering i’d put my purse between us and kept my distance as well. he teased me when i spilled beer and when i called him out he said he couldn’t help but hope that it would go between my breasts so he had to watch. we reminisced over a few good stories and aiden avoided glossing over our past and chose to be true to ourselves and in a way honor us by acknowledging “then we had amazing sex.” i smiled and commented on how i sure did break him in. he was a virgin when we met. he was comfortable with bdsm and all manner of positions and activities when i was finished with him. we toasted. aiden said he wanted to get high again. i told him to call me sometime when he was in my city and we would drink a few beers and maybe light up together. i know we would have fun. i know we would have to keep our distance because with all inhibitions gone we would probably make a grab for each other and regret it later. i think with a strong resolve and maybe a new fuck buddy affectionate sexual partner in place i could get intoxicated with aiden and not take off his clothes and lick every inch of his hard …
i drove him to the movie theatre where i thought his car was, forgetting it was at the restaurant. he said he had wondered where i was going and i asked why he didn’t say anything. he said he thought maybe i was driving into the country. whenever we drove into the country in the past it was almost always to have sex. i laughed heartily and then apologized for laughing at him. he asked why i was apologizing and i said because if he was serious and had been hopeful then laughing at him was not very nice but if he was being sarcastic then it was okay. he said somewhat strangely that he was being sarcastic. it didn’t ring true although i don’t think he is much more comfortable with having sex than i am. i think we both realize that despite being intensely pleasurable it is no longer healthy for us. it’s so hard to completely give up the idea because my god is it pleasurable. i wrote a protected post the last time we had sex. we went out with one hell of a bang and definitely on top. that weekend was some of the best sex we’ve ever had together.
we looked at each other when i dropped him off. i looked down. i didn’t move. he watched me carefully. he opened the passenger car door and i put my hand gently on his cheek then dropped it. he stepped out and got into his car. it was an amazing night. i think a step in the right direction despite being a horrible reminder of all the amazing sex i could be having but i’m not.
i really hoped he went home and jacked off thinking about me. maybe looking at the naked pictures he has of me. possibly thinking of the hundreds of times we’ve had incredible sex. he’s a good friend and i’m glad we got together. i looked good but i didn’t look too sexy. i want us to move on but i want him to never forget just how damn good i am.
i’m just sad i didn’t have anybody in my bed when i got home to my city.
everything is fine May 3, 2009
Posted by skcity in life, the man, the men, the program.add a comment
i am confused and hurt. i am scared and nervous. i am serious and impatient.
i want to exile nick from my thoughts. i keep thinking about what we shared. i keep thinking about the hot little body his ex has and my excess of soft curves. she’s short and kind of mongrel looking in not the sexy jessica alba way. she seems strange. i’ve run into her several times while i’ve been studying at the law college. we make eye contact. i don’t think she knows who i am. i know who she is. in january they went to a wedding together. she was his date.
then i began to panic and wonder if he would bring a date to cage’s wedding. in which case my secret desire for us to fall into bed at the end of the night would be rather misguided and if it did happen quite unfortunate for his date. would he bring her? it’s a month away. has he asked her? should i find a date?
i’m scared and feel like crying because i know i can ace all of these finals but i don’t think i can ace five of them in three days. it’s too much. it scares me. i’m terrified that my seven straight hours of studying today was for nothing. that it was like sand through a sieve.
i know i am stressed and i know i can’t make emotional decisions right now. if i can’t make emotionally educated decisions then how am i supposed to do on my exams? i understand that they could be study partners or friends even but i still think about if he would compare her to me.
strange that he said hello to me but didn’t stop to talk. it didn’t bother me until i saw them talking.
i’m a little worried i won’t come back to myself by next weekend. i want to be a normal sane person and i want to go on a date with nick.
state of affairs May 3, 2009
Posted by skcity in the man, the program.add a comment
my resolve is crumbling and even ritalin can’t seem to help.
my mind is filled with doubt. today was a bad day to see nick studying with his ex while she was wearing his sweatshirt.
identifying but not understanding April 28, 2009
Posted by skcity in life, the boy, the man.add a comment
in my purse i have a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and a bottle of ritalin.
i’ve discovered i love andrew bird and sia. i have a wonderful playlist that includes jay brannan and all of my new favorite music. i like using frostwire. i can’t help but wonder if aiden has discovered this open source program yet. he’s been on my mind a disturbing amount lately. i then get angry that he hasn’t contacted me in the last two months. of course i calm down when i remind myself of everything i have going for me. of course when i think of those things i’m omitting all the more negative aspects of my life at the moment. i still think i have a lot going for me though. rather dichotomous but oh well.
one thing that has been troubling me is my surge in mia. i think i can understand that stress can cause a relapse but when i did it three or four times in a single day i realized things were getting really rough for me. especially when i’d done it the day before and the day before that. once i became aware of what was happening i was able to try and break the pattern. only happened once yesterday and not a single time today.
i feel like i’m doing okay yet all the evidence would point to the contrary. how is that possible? how can my body and my behaviors tell me that something is wrong and yet my mind believes things are under control? i wonder if that means that in a few days my mind will have an epiphany and then i’ll pound my head against the wall as i fight a panic attack. i wonder if things get really bad if i would call aiden for support. i wonder if nick will rush to kiss me when we “reunite” after finals are over. i wonder if everything is really going to be okay?
confession April 24, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, life, the man, the sex.add a comment
in theory my life might be a little out of control. there is of course the drinking. usually social with my amazing friends. we aren’t in garages playing beer pong but we do like our martinis, our seven and sevens, and our glasses of wine. i do drink beer occasionally by myself but very rarely do i get drunk by myself.
i bought my first pipe this spring and i’ve smoked more in 2009 than i have ever before in my life.
my psychologist told me i do in fact exhibit many symptoms of attention deficit disorder. yukon gave me adderall. next week i discuss the right medication for me with my doctor. i understand it’s popular in academic circles. i just want to stop struggling so much.
i’ve possibly found my next casual sex partner. he’s a man i’ve fooled around with half a dozen times before and clothes have even been removed before. we were young then and still in high school. i even met with him once while i was dating aiden. i felt no shame or guilt and while i wasn’t surprised i was also very curious about why it didn’t bother me that i technically cheated on my boyfriend. there was a night when i had a party and i kissed this random friend while aiden waited for me upstairs. strangely enough he’s yukon’s brother. apparently when he found out i’d broken up with aiden he told yukon “damn i’ve wanted to fuck kate forever.” he isn’t even close to being someone i would date but obviously due to our past definitely someone i’d hook up with. he’s generally discrete which is much appreciated. also lives in another city so that’s something i like and might take advantage of the next time i go home.
it’s been three weeks since i last kissed nick. we’re still talking almost every day but are too busy to actually meet. i keep fantasizing about when we are finally alone together again. i’m eager to sleep with him but also don’t think i’m quite ready. we need a little more time to develop intimacy and a relationship first. i almost feel as though this month doesn’t even count and may in fact have been a set back considering the pressure we’re both under at the moment.
i’m procrastinating when i have no right to be procrastinating. it’s a sickness i swear.
the past seven days i’ve bought a new lighter and pulled out my pack of cigarettes. i can’t stand to smoke an entire cigarette at one time but i enjoy the brief nicotine rush and the moment when i am ignoring that it is wrong and everything else that is wrong. it is absolutely horrible.
i met mike yesterday at a softball game. it was just the two of us. i wanted to kiss him. i knew i couldn’t. i wondered if he really liked me as much as dan told me he did. i think i only like him when i know i can’t have him. i definitely can’t have him now.
tonight yukon and i went to this american life live. i wanted nick to come but i knew he couldn’t. i’ve been thinking of aiden lately. i think he is truly over me in every possible way. i’m a little sad of that. i think it’s best for us though. obviously i meant it when i broke up with him.
i’m not proud of any of the things i just reported here. except for the waiting to have sex with nick business. i think that’s for the best. i’m a little delighted by the new pipe and occasionally getting high but i’m aware of the dangers associated with that activity.
i think my life always spins a little out of control. eventually i try to pull things back into balance but it doesn’t always work.
a little fantasizing never hurt anyone April 15, 2009
Posted by skcity in life, the man, the program, the sex.add a comment
i survived my allergy attack and didn’t even need steroids. i’m quite pleased considering previously when my allergies congested my lungs i was in such bad shape that i needed prednisone. nobody likes prednisone.
life is uneventful. i’m struggling with apathy. i need to see a psychologist or possibly a psychiatrist. i really want to discuss the possibility of having adult add. it’s been on my to do list forever and yet i never get around to it. i think it’s highly probable that i have adult add.
i check facebook compulsively. mostly hoping nick has written me. things are kind of boring. we chat. i saw him a week ago with our friends but we slightly ignored each other. i feel it’s because the last time we were together with our friends some of them saw us making out. i personally don’t want rumors. i wonder why he doesn’t want people to know. i’m curious.
i want a relationship with nick and yet i don’t. i want the kind of relationship we have now except with more frequency and maybe a tiny bit more affection. i don’t want a public relationship. i don’t want a serious relationship. i don’t want commitment. i tell myself it’s because of grad school and i think that’s true.
i do want him though. i think of us spending time together this summer. watching dvds. going for moonlit bike rides on my favorite country trail. cooking for him. spending lazy saturday afternoons together in bed. i want something real with him. i think this summer i might be okay with dating nick. i wouldn’t really want to announce it to our friends and i would never make it facebook official.
i wonder if we’ll dance together at cage’s wedding. i assume we will. i’ll be very sad if we don’t. i wonder if we’ll each bring dates to the wedding. i can kind of imagine that happening and it being uncomfortable. knowing i’ve seen nick naked and he’s touched my body and we kiss whenever we’re alone and yet we’re still so secretive that we don’t acknowledge it whatsoever at cage’s wedding? that would not be a pleasant scenario. i’m okay with maybe a few whispers about us at the wedding where i will be a bridesmaid in a unique and gorgeous black dress and he will be a groomsmen. we’ll be in pictures together. i’d like it if we were paired together. i’m sure by the end of the night we’ll be tipsy and i hope we go to bed together. not for the first time of course.
i’m looking forward to the star trek premier. i’d really like for that to be an official date. he suggested we go together and i’ll wait until it’s closer but if he doesn’t suggest it i’m going to suggest dinner first. then maybe suggest a drink afterwards. possibly at my house maybe at his.
i keep thinking back to the night when i got on my knees. i really enjoy pleasing a man and take pride in my ability. i think back to what happened afterwards and i draw a bit of a blank. that concerns me. i remember him kissing me on both cheeks. i remember forcing him to kiss me on my lips. i remember getting back on the bed. but then what? i know we talked. did we talk as if nothing happened? it was dark but he was naked. i’m pretty sure i told him what time it was and reminded him he had to study. i don’t remember much else of what we talked about. i don’t think we cuddled. did we even touch? i think we did. maybe we did cuddle but i’m not sure. i would have taken note if we had not been touching because it would have reminded me of when my out of casual friend was in my bed. i do remember being the first to get out of bed and put on my jeans. did i do it suddenly? did i say something before i did it? why did i? was i uncomfortable just lying there with him or did i really think he should leave and study?
we got dressed and downstairs we talked briefly about my grad program.
we went out the garage door. kissed. i remember kissing. deeply. lingering. then one last quick kiss goodbye.
it was good. it was sweet. our time together feels meaningful and based on friendship. it doesn’t feel hollow and superficial.
i usually remember so many details. the fact that so many are missing with him confuses me. i almost think i might be so in the moment that my brain isn’t recording what’s happening. i do vividly remember before i went down on him feeling him so close to me that one slight thrust and he would have been inside of me. there were moments when he was so close that he could have been in me if he hadn’t had the self control. i remember feeling slightly delirious and hyper aware of our bodies touching. it’s amazing i didn’t raise my hips and push against him but i think i knew i didn’t want that to be the way we first had sex together. i want him to slowly push inside of me after we’ve mutually established we’re going to sleep together.
i’m definitely fantasizing.
nick came to visit me at my office this morning but i slept in a little and wasn’t there. he’s stopped by four times in the last month and a half.
i like him and want him and still want to keep this secret. i’ve only told my a few of my closest friends that happen to be his friends as well. some of the grad student girls know but their knowledge of the matter is inconsequential. it’s the “group” that i don’t want to know. at least not yet.
so if he doesn’t want to tell them either is it still possible for him to really like me and really want me? if i can feel that way then he should be able to too. yet somehow i keep wondering if he’s ashamed of me. i think he obviously likes me or he wouldn’t stop by my office or come over when he really should be studying or kiss me sweetly or write to me every single day. his friends are my friends so there’s no fear of them not liking me.
i think part of the fear is what happens if this doesn’t work out. i think that might be the real issue. if it doesn’t work out and no one knows then nothing changes.
except i’ve secretly thought of us having a future.
i’ve also thought of his income if he goes into corporate law which makes me absolutely evil.
except i plan on making my own money. i don’t want children. i want to invest the money and become a millionaire with my dream homes.
i don’t want to clean my house, i don’t want to talk to the faculty, i don’t want to call the psychiatrist, i don’t want to do my tables of evidence for class, i don’t want to face the fact that i’m utterly unprepared for finals, i don’t want to write my end of semester reports, i don’t want to register for fall classes, i don’t want to accept this horrible change in my graduate program that i’m chosing not to discuss.
i want to eat fruit loops and keep losing weight. i want my white teeth and my golden tan. i want my pottery class. i want my bike rides. i want my belly dancing class. i want my weight lifting. i want my art. i want my reading. i want my money.
this is my life. i’m keeping quite the record aren’t i?
