everything is fine May 3, 2009
Posted by skcity in life, the man, the men, the program.add a comment
i am confused and hurt. i am scared and nervous. i am serious and impatient.
i want to exile nick from my thoughts. i keep thinking about what we shared. i keep thinking about the hot little body his ex has and my excess of soft curves. she’s short and kind of mongrel looking in not the sexy jessica alba way. she seems strange. i’ve run into her several times while i’ve been studying at the law college. we make eye contact. i don’t think she knows who i am. i know who she is. in january they went to a wedding together. she was his date.
then i began to panic and wonder if he would bring a date to cage’s wedding. in which case my secret desire for us to fall into bed at the end of the night would be rather misguided and if it did happen quite unfortunate for his date. would he bring her? it’s a month away. has he asked her? should i find a date?
i’m scared and feel like crying because i know i can ace all of these finals but i don’t think i can ace five of them in three days. it’s too much. it scares me. i’m terrified that my seven straight hours of studying today was for nothing. that it was like sand through a sieve.
i know i am stressed and i know i can’t make emotional decisions right now. if i can’t make emotionally educated decisions then how am i supposed to do on my exams? i understand that they could be study partners or friends even but i still think about if he would compare her to me.
strange that he said hello to me but didn’t stop to talk. it didn’t bother me until i saw them talking.
i’m a little worried i won’t come back to myself by next weekend. i want to be a normal sane person and i want to go on a date with nick.
state of affairs May 3, 2009
Posted by skcity in the man, the program.add a comment
my resolve is crumbling and even ritalin can’t seem to help.
my mind is filled with doubt. today was a bad day to see nick studying with his ex while she was wearing his sweatshirt.
a little fantasizing never hurt anyone April 15, 2009
Posted by skcity in life, the man, the program, the sex.add a comment
i survived my allergy attack and didn’t even need steroids. i’m quite pleased considering previously when my allergies congested my lungs i was in such bad shape that i needed prednisone. nobody likes prednisone.
life is uneventful. i’m struggling with apathy. i need to see a psychologist or possibly a psychiatrist. i really want to discuss the possibility of having adult add. it’s been on my to do list forever and yet i never get around to it. i think it’s highly probable that i have adult add.
i check facebook compulsively. mostly hoping nick has written me. things are kind of boring. we chat. i saw him a week ago with our friends but we slightly ignored each other. i feel it’s because the last time we were together with our friends some of them saw us making out. i personally don’t want rumors. i wonder why he doesn’t want people to know. i’m curious.
i want a relationship with nick and yet i don’t. i want the kind of relationship we have now except with more frequency and maybe a tiny bit more affection. i don’t want a public relationship. i don’t want a serious relationship. i don’t want commitment. i tell myself it’s because of grad school and i think that’s true.
i do want him though. i think of us spending time together this summer. watching dvds. going for moonlit bike rides on my favorite country trail. cooking for him. spending lazy saturday afternoons together in bed. i want something real with him. i think this summer i might be okay with dating nick. i wouldn’t really want to announce it to our friends and i would never make it facebook official.
i wonder if we’ll dance together at cage’s wedding. i assume we will. i’ll be very sad if we don’t. i wonder if we’ll each bring dates to the wedding. i can kind of imagine that happening and it being uncomfortable. knowing i’ve seen nick naked and he’s touched my body and we kiss whenever we’re alone and yet we’re still so secretive that we don’t acknowledge it whatsoever at cage’s wedding? that would not be a pleasant scenario. i’m okay with maybe a few whispers about us at the wedding where i will be a bridesmaid in a unique and gorgeous black dress and he will be a groomsmen. we’ll be in pictures together. i’d like it if we were paired together. i’m sure by the end of the night we’ll be tipsy and i hope we go to bed together. not for the first time of course.
i’m looking forward to the star trek premier. i’d really like for that to be an official date. he suggested we go together and i’ll wait until it’s closer but if he doesn’t suggest it i’m going to suggest dinner first. then maybe suggest a drink afterwards. possibly at my house maybe at his.
i keep thinking back to the night when i got on my knees. i really enjoy pleasing a man and take pride in my ability. i think back to what happened afterwards and i draw a bit of a blank. that concerns me. i remember him kissing me on both cheeks. i remember forcing him to kiss me on my lips. i remember getting back on the bed. but then what? i know we talked. did we talk as if nothing happened? it was dark but he was naked. i’m pretty sure i told him what time it was and reminded him he had to study. i don’t remember much else of what we talked about. i don’t think we cuddled. did we even touch? i think we did. maybe we did cuddle but i’m not sure. i would have taken note if we had not been touching because it would have reminded me of when my out of casual friend was in my bed. i do remember being the first to get out of bed and put on my jeans. did i do it suddenly? did i say something before i did it? why did i? was i uncomfortable just lying there with him or did i really think he should leave and study?
we got dressed and downstairs we talked briefly about my grad program.
we went out the garage door. kissed. i remember kissing. deeply. lingering. then one last quick kiss goodbye.
it was good. it was sweet. our time together feels meaningful and based on friendship. it doesn’t feel hollow and superficial.
i usually remember so many details. the fact that so many are missing with him confuses me. i almost think i might be so in the moment that my brain isn’t recording what’s happening. i do vividly remember before i went down on him feeling him so close to me that one slight thrust and he would have been inside of me. there were moments when he was so close that he could have been in me if he hadn’t had the self control. i remember feeling slightly delirious and hyper aware of our bodies touching. it’s amazing i didn’t raise my hips and push against him but i think i knew i didn’t want that to be the way we first had sex together. i want him to slowly push inside of me after we’ve mutually established we’re going to sleep together.
i’m definitely fantasizing.
nick came to visit me at my office this morning but i slept in a little and wasn’t there. he’s stopped by four times in the last month and a half.
i like him and want him and still want to keep this secret. i’ve only told my a few of my closest friends that happen to be his friends as well. some of the grad student girls know but their knowledge of the matter is inconsequential. it’s the “group” that i don’t want to know. at least not yet.
so if he doesn’t want to tell them either is it still possible for him to really like me and really want me? if i can feel that way then he should be able to too. yet somehow i keep wondering if he’s ashamed of me. i think he obviously likes me or he wouldn’t stop by my office or come over when he really should be studying or kiss me sweetly or write to me every single day. his friends are my friends so there’s no fear of them not liking me.
i think part of the fear is what happens if this doesn’t work out. i think that might be the real issue. if it doesn’t work out and no one knows then nothing changes.
except i’ve secretly thought of us having a future.
i’ve also thought of his income if he goes into corporate law which makes me absolutely evil.
except i plan on making my own money. i don’t want children. i want to invest the money and become a millionaire with my dream homes.
i don’t want to clean my house, i don’t want to talk to the faculty, i don’t want to call the psychiatrist, i don’t want to do my tables of evidence for class, i don’t want to face the fact that i’m utterly unprepared for finals, i don’t want to write my end of semester reports, i don’t want to register for fall classes, i don’t want to accept this horrible change in my graduate program that i’m chosing not to discuss.
i want to eat fruit loops and keep losing weight. i want my white teeth and my golden tan. i want my pottery class. i want my bike rides. i want my belly dancing class. i want my weight lifting. i want my art. i want my reading. i want my money.
this is my life. i’m keeping quite the record aren’t i?
can it be true? January 25, 2009
Posted by skcity in friends, life, the bitch, the house, the men, the program.5 comments
i have something strange to announce.
i think i’m happy.
with a few occasions of despair and confusion of course. but really? we’re human. i am well aware that there are millions possibly even billions of people who are more miserable than me. i also know that all of the people who appear happy very rarely are. it’s the human condition isn’t it? suffering? dissatisfaction?
i’m very lucky and i’m becoming more and more grateful for my life. i own a very comfortable condo. i’m getting through grad school just fine. i believe my experiences with grad school are not very different than anyone else’s. grad school isn’t supposed to be easy after all.
i feel like i have a lot of personal issues to resolve that tend to manifest themselves in my day to day life. i keep forgetting to make an appointment with a psychologist. i’m not sure how i feel about the possible outcomes from that meeting. a diagnosis of anxiety, depression, or add would help me understand myself better and possibly provide me with more resources to deal with my issues. most of the time i’m interested in pharmacological solutions but i’m well aware that i am probably over medicated as it is.
i’m losing weight which is also making me happy. not even through mia. it is amazing that i’ve been able to be conscientious and eat healthy. what usually happens is any time i try to go on a diet i become obsessed with food which spins me back into mia. but i don’t want to talk about mia. not at all.
i think one of the reasons i’m happy is because i’m taking five fascinating classes and have a very light clinic load this semester. last semester i had very writing intensive supervisors and a lot of paperwork. this semester shouldn’t be as stressful. i’m trying to avoid putting things off and i’m trying to do things as soon as possible. we’ll see how it goes.
i’ve been feeling more attractive. the invitations have ranged from obvious to outright. i liked having someone buy us drinks from across the bar on a wednesday night. i like that nick is talking to me more than anyone. the truth is it’s only as friends as i believe he’s still seeing his ex. i’m supposed to meet a new man next weekend. a friend’s boyfriend’s roommate who is apparently geeky. doesn’t sound like he has long term potential judging from his current biography but he might be a nice new friend. oh i think i’ll also be going speed dating with cole just for the great conversational fodder it provides. there are some hilarious stories from speed dating. also cole is married so there won’t be a repeat of b dating a man i like.
and aiden … well … aiden. it seems all of my girlfriends were right that his confusion probably isn’t about ceasing our activities but maybe about the emotional impact and possibly having a relationship together. i’m disappointed to say aiden was more attractive when he figuratively pulled away from me. i wanted him because for the first time ever i couldn’t have him. rather ridiculous i think. i believe that also played a large part in my ongoing interest with nick. i couldn’t have him and it kept me interested.
when aiden said he was confused he basically told me he wasn’t sure why we should keep doing what we’re doing and he mentioned he didn’t know if he could handle getting back together with me. i took this as he was thinking about putting a stop to all of the intimate yet casual sex. i thought it meant maybe he wanted a relationship with someone else. so i told him i had been seeing someone in august. i wanted to illustrate that we could keep the status quo and didn’t need to renegotiate whenever we were interested in someone new. all of my friends reminded me he was the one who mentioned thinking about getting back together. that’s made me think a little. i’ve also been reminding myself that nothing has really changed. still living in his parent’s basement and doing the exact same thing he was a year ago …
this song has been playing on my itunes a lot lately. it makes me think of aiden. it expresses a longing but i don’t think it is asking for a second chance. i’m not ready for another try. i want him to be completely blissfully happy. i want him to take a big glorious bite out of the world. i’m worried he won’t. all i can do is hope he will.
i decided to let aiden come to me if he wanted to. i wasn’t going to force a conversation. it’s worked pretty well so far. i sent him an short email that was an invitation to talk but that was it. i thought he was ignoring it. a week later he emailed me. at two in the morning last night.
I’ve thought of you many times this week. I don’t know why I haven’t called you. I’ve wanted to a few times. I guess I always talk myself out of it because I think you are doing something more important like grad school.
I know it’s a lame excuse. I want to talk to you.
Hope all is well
xoxo
Aiden
so he hasn’t forgotten me. that’s good. i’m happy because i have good friends. i’m happy because i truly have a good life. i am fortunate. i have problems of course. my annuity has all but dried up which is wretched considering what it was last summer. if i was still getting that much money i would definitely have an iphone. there’s a problem with my memorandum of courses and i believe my advisor didn’t plan for me to take a required class when it was offered. i’m hoping for a satisfactory resolution.
a friend came over for dinner last night and when i said that b will probably be moving out over the summer for law school my friend expressed an interest in moving in. it would be spectacular if i could have a friend move in right when after b moves out.
i hope this happiness isn’t short lived. i’m relaxed. i have been fantasizing about painting and making pottery though. it would be a dream come true.
last night i baked portobello lasagna and i think i’m going to make cream puffs today. life is good. in the next few days my cute car should be completely repaired. i’m a little scared to drive it again. i’m afraid i’ll somehow end up wrecking it.
i want to kiss him again oh and my first day of grad school which should be way more important August 25, 2008
Posted by skcity in life, the house, the man, the program.4 comments
it has been almost a week since the awkward event that was me moaning and nickel groaning then him laughing. i used to be a little embarrassed thinking about my fingers around his cock and the way he grimaced as he came all over my hand.
the nice thing is he kept in touch. we didn’t talk on wednesday but he contacted me on thursday and friday and saturday. sunday we left each other alone with the big morning of grad school for us both. although i did go to the rec with mill, her boyfriend, and b.
mill has moved in which is pretty cool. it’s a good thing i like her boyfriend because he’s been here almost every night since she moved in. james is a good guy and i don’t mind having him around. the funny thing is he’s nickel’s best friend.
i haven’t really told many people about what happened with nickel. wren and yukon know exactly what happened. b knows i like him and i’ve been spending time with him. but i haven’t felt the need to inform any of our mutual friends.
it’s funny how my house is full of people now. b, mill, and james. he has his own place but i think he’s going to be spending a lot of time here. my house is kind of awesome and mill has most of the basement to herself.
today was my first day of grad school. isn’t that cute? it was also b’s birthday. i gave her a special cookie and baked her a german chocolate cake covered in chocolate ganache. i had a nice time laughing first with b over a beer as i frosted her cake and then with b and mill over a glass of milk as we ate the sinfully rich chocolate and coconut mess.
the social circle is getting together wednesday night for movie night at my place. i’ve invited nickel. i’m wondering who will notice if i invite him upstairs into my bedroom to make out at the end of the night. will mill notice? i wonder if nickel has told james. i don’t know if james would tell mill. i wonder if nickel has told his brother who is part of the movie night group. i don’t think nickel hasn’t told anyone.
when i think of nickel kissing my stomach and then rising to kiss my neck i close my eyes. then i think of him unzipping my jeans and how he touched me. how he pulled my hand to his lips and kissed my palm. it gives me tingles. i want to hear his voice warm against my ear again.
i don’t know though. i think i should get my kicks by myself more these days. grad school is going to get crazy and mill has eagerly agreed to be my personal trainer. she’s an athlete and i always like having someone tell me what to do. so far her first night in charge rocked and i’m ready for more. who knew hard core stationary biking and sprinting could be so fun with your roommates? i was the slowest running but i secretly enjoyed seeing i had the most miles on our stationary bikes.
