lying in bed.  my room is relatively tidy and my bed isn’t the usual mess.  i have christmas lights adorning my headboard.  i’m comfortable.  i finally decided to display a canvas painting of mine on a wall in my home.  it has been hidden in the basement for over two years.  it’s currently at the foot of my bed and i’m surprised to realize i like it.  i plan to hang it in the hall just outside my bedroom.  i’ve got the materials to paint some more.  i’d like to do that later this week.

i took my final tonight.  lots of writing but i like to think i managed.  i procrastinated and only studied the day of which is dangerous.

last friday night i went downtown with my downstairs roommate.  met one of her friends, who was meeting one of his friends, who brought of one his friends.

who was nice and conversational and asked for my number so that he could ask me out the following weekend.

he texted me tonight and asked me if i had plans.  i had to explain that i unfortunately already did have plans.  you see aiden is visiting me this weekend.  i am rather approaching this as the last hurrah of 2009 and of the decade with aiden.  i don’t doubt that we’ll be lovers again in the future.  i’m just thinking about 2010 as the year without sleeping with aiden.  in theory at least.

so the friendly handsome stranger somehow managed to chat me up.  impressive since it was via text.  i can usually shut down a text conversation with my responses pretty quickly but he skillfully kept it going by asking me interesting questions and flattering me.  it was nice.  he wants to take me to dinner in january although i suspect even though he’s nice we won’t end up being compatible.  i could see myself pulling a b and getting liquored up then getting naughty with him though.  he has this warm kind face that combined with very dark hair and slightly scruffy chin make him look friendly and edgy at the same time.  it’s a bit of a delicious look.  he’s slightly shorter than i usually go for then again i just typically like them nice and tall.

a lot has happened in a year.

i was obsessed with nick.  then i was resigned it would never work out between us.  i began a flirtation with a new guy.  almost by accident nick came back into my life.  we had a happy little relationship for a month or two.  it was almost sweet the way we took it slow and kissed on the weekends.  then following finals he failed to meet a reasonable but also rather high expectation of mine.  i rejected him.  i realized after reading back over my posts that he tried many times to get in touch with me over the summer.  i used verbs like “ignore” and “avoid” and words like “attracted” and “terrified.”  i realized that i was even avoiding him when we were still secretly meeting which may have sent mixed messages regarding my hopes and desires.  i saw aiden again and we even went out a few times without any form of inappropriate intimacy at all.  without even hugging let alone kissing.  i kissed lots of people over the summer and then the night of cage and key’s wedding nick and i cuddled in a hotel room and ended up naked.  i was disappointed in myself and resolved to ignore the feelings of attraction more than ever.

reading my posts i can see the increase in my desire and also strangely the increase in nick’s attempts to contact me which i continued to derisively rebuff.  then one night with enough alcohol and a well placed hand i slept with nick.  enjoyed it.  i realize now that i was getting signals of interest from him immediately following the night and morning we had sex.  he called two days later.  met up with me over his lunch hour and it almost seemed like he tried to arrange for a physical encounter which i dismissed as unnecessary and inappropriate.  he texted me with disappointment when i disappeared from his party without saying goodbye.  he demonstrated what i can only assume were good intentions when it was my birthday.  i was the one who sent a conclusive text that said it would never happen again.  i was ashamed and humiliated following a second attempt at intimacy because my drunken dominance and desperation caused me to lose my dignity.  how’s that for alliteration?  i started seeing alex again.  then i had a sudden change of heart and was interested in aiden again.  interested in a relationship of some kind.  preferably physical.  so i alternated alex and aiden each weekend.  sleeping with aiden but denying poor alex who wanted so badly to be with me.  he finally gave up and said he wanted to settle into a real relationship.  i wasn’t able to give that to him so he left.  did leave behind some nice parting gifts for me though.

grad school has continued to march on.  i’ve tried my best to be positive this year.  i’ve tried to be my best this year.  i tried to lightly patch my friendship with nick to avoid more social exclusion or alienation from our group.  turns out he was always the more important friend and when he stopped bothering to invite me no one else did either.  without actually admitting to what we did he seemed to influence my inclusion in the group.  i’m sure it wasn’t malicious.  i’m sure he was avoiding me just like i avoided him.  we did have sex after all.  more than once.  more than twice.  things have gone well in attempting to build civil relations with nick which is helped enormously along by the fact that he appears to have a very nice girlfriend.  they haven’t been together long.  whenever i wonder if i too quickly dismissed nick’s efforts to be with me i remind myself that he is a smart man.  if he wanted to be with me he would have figured out a way to make it work.  i’m wondering right now if i intimidate him?  i’ve also realized recently that my lack of faith and trust in nick may have contributed to things ending.  my belief that everything he says is a manipulative lie doesn’t make being friends with him easy and makes being his lover almost impossible.  i don’t think i’m unjustified although i wonder how accurate i am.  i’ll never know since even if he told me i wouldn’t believe him.  this year i kissed many different people.  i had sex with three men.  one of whom was the love of my life for three years and is my current dear friend of five years.  one of whom i don’t trust but find myself almost painfully sexually attracted to.  the last isn’t much worth mentioning other than he helped me move on from aiden at the time.

i’m not sure what the future holds right now.

i’m going brunette this weekend.  aiden is visting.  i hope we eat sushi.  next week i have surgery.  then it’s nothing but dvds and books while i recover.

we’ll see what develops with this handsome friendly edgy stranger.

i wonder sometimes if i believe other people are manipulative because i’m manipulative.

this wasn’t the most insightful entry but i think it might have described my journey.  i can only hope my growth.  i know my work as a grad student has dramatically improved.  i know i have grown academically and professionally.

this little space is where i’ve catalogued my personal experiences, accomplishments, and failures.  this little space is where i’ve learned that i am stubborn and that despite my direct approach to so many things in life i actually avoid many things that make me even mildly uncomfortable.

i don’t know if i’ve grown but maybe i can pretend that i’ve learned something in the last year.

i am confused and hurt.  i am scared and nervous.  i am serious and impatient.

i want to exile nick from my thoughts.  i keep thinking about what we shared.  i keep thinking about the hot little body his ex has and my excess of soft curves.  she’s short and kind of mongrel looking in not the sexy jessica alba way.  she seems strange.  i’ve run into her several times while i’ve been studying at the law college.  we make eye contact.  i don’t think she knows who i am.  i know who she is.  in january they went to a wedding together.  she was his date.

then i began to panic and wonder if he would bring  a date to cage’s wedding.  in which case my secret desire for us to fall into bed at the end of the night would be rather misguided and if it did happen quite unfortunate for his date.  would he bring her?  it’s a month away.  has he asked her?  should i find a date?

i’m scared and feel like crying because i know i can ace all of these finals but i don’t think i can ace five of them in three days.  it’s too much.  it scares me.  i’m terrified that my seven straight hours of studying today was for nothing.  that it was like sand through a sieve.

i know i am stressed and i know i can’t make emotional decisions right now.  if i can’t make emotionally educated decisions then how am i supposed to do on my exams?  i understand that they could be study partners or friends even but i still think about if he would compare her to me.

strange that he said hello to me but didn’t stop to talk.  it didn’t bother me until i saw them talking.

i’m a little worried i won’t come back to myself by next weekend.  i want to be a normal sane person and i want to go on a date with nick.

my resolve is crumbling and even ritalin can’t seem to help.

my mind is filled with doubt.  today was a bad day to see nick studying with his ex while she was wearing his sweatshirt.

i survived my allergy attack and didn’t even need steroids.  i’m quite pleased considering previously when my allergies congested my lungs i was in such bad shape that i needed prednisone.  nobody likes prednisone.

life is uneventful.  i’m struggling with apathy.  i need to see a psychologist or possibly a psychiatrist.  i really want to discuss the possibility of having adult add.  it’s been on my to do list forever and yet i never get around to it.  i think it’s highly probable that i have adult add.

i check facebook compulsively.  mostly hoping nick has written me.  things are kind of boring.  we chat.  i saw him a week ago with our friends but we slightly ignored each other.  i feel it’s because the last time we were together with our friends some of them saw us making out.  i personally don’t want rumors.  i wonder why he doesn’t want people to know.  i’m curious.

i want a relationship with nick and yet i don’t.  i want the kind of relationship we have now except with more frequency and maybe a tiny bit more affection.  i don’t want a public relationship.  i don’t want a serious relationship.  i don’t want commitment.  i tell myself it’s because of grad school and i think that’s true.

i do want him though.  i think of us spending time together this summer.  watching dvds.  going for moonlit bike rides on my favorite country trail.  cooking for him.  spending lazy saturday afternoons together in bed.  i want something real with him.  i think this summer i might be okay with dating nick.  i wouldn’t really want to announce it to our friends and i would never make it facebook official.

i wonder if we’ll dance together at cage’s wedding.  i assume we will.  i’ll be very sad if we don’t.  i wonder if we’ll each bring dates to the wedding.  i can kind of imagine that happening and it being uncomfortable.  knowing i’ve seen nick naked and he’s touched my body and we kiss whenever we’re alone and yet we’re still so secretive that we don’t acknowledge it whatsoever at cage’s wedding?  that would not be a pleasant scenario.  i’m okay with maybe a few whispers about us at the wedding where i will be a bridesmaid in a unique and gorgeous black dress and he will be a groomsmen.  we’ll be in pictures together.  i’d like it if we were paired together.  i’m sure by the end of the night we’ll be tipsy and i hope we go to bed together.  not for the first time of course.

i’m looking forward to the star trek premier.  i’d really like for that to be an official date.  he suggested we go together and i’ll wait until it’s closer but if he doesn’t suggest it i’m going to suggest dinner first.  then maybe suggest a drink afterwards.  possibly at my house maybe at his.

i keep thinking back to the night when i got on my knees.  i really enjoy pleasing a man and take pride in my ability.  i think back to what happened afterwards and i draw a bit of a blank.  that concerns me.  i remember him kissing me on both cheeks.  i remember forcing him to kiss me on my lips.  i remember getting back on the bed.  but then what?  i know we talked.  did we talk as if nothing happened?  it was dark but he was naked.  i’m pretty sure i told him what time it was and reminded him he had to study.  i don’t remember much else of what we talked about.  i don’t think we cuddled.  did we even touch?  i think we did.  maybe we did cuddle but i’m not sure.  i would have taken note if we had not been touching because it would have reminded me of when my out of casual friend was in my bed.  i do remember being the first to get out of bed and put on my jeans.  did i do it suddenly?  did i say something before i did it?  why did i?  was i uncomfortable just lying there with him or did i really think he should leave and study?

we got dressed and downstairs we talked briefly about my grad program.

we went out the garage door.  kissed.  i remember kissing.  deeply.  lingering.  then one last quick kiss goodbye.

it was good.  it was sweet.  our time together feels meaningful and based on friendship.  it doesn’t feel hollow and superficial.

i usually remember so many details.  the fact that so many are missing with him confuses me.  i almost think i might be so in the moment that my brain isn’t recording what’s happening.  i do vividly remember before i went down on him feeling him so close to me that one slight thrust and he would have been inside of me.  there were moments when he was so close that he could have been in me if he hadn’t had the self control.  i remember feeling slightly delirious and hyper aware of our bodies touching.  it’s amazing i didn’t raise my hips and push against him but i think i knew i didn’t want that to be the way we first had sex together.  i want him to slowly push inside of me after we’ve mutually established we’re going to sleep together.

i’m definitely fantasizing.

nick came to visit me at my office this morning but i slept in a little and wasn’t there.  he’s stopped by four times in the last month and a half.

i like him and want him and still want to keep this secret.  i’ve only told my a few of my closest friends that happen to be his friends as well.  some of the grad student girls know but their knowledge of the matter is inconsequential.  it’s the “group” that i don’t want to know.  at least not yet.

so if he doesn’t want to tell them either is it still possible for him to really like me and really want me?  if i can feel that way then he should be able to too.  yet somehow i keep wondering if he’s ashamed of me.  i think he obviously likes me or he wouldn’t stop by my office or come over when he really should be studying or kiss me sweetly or write to me every single day.  his friends are my friends so there’s no fear of them not liking me.

i think part of the fear is what happens if this doesn’t work out.  i think that might be the real issue.  if it doesn’t work out and no one knows then nothing changes.

except i’ve secretly thought of us having a future.

i’ve also thought of his income if he goes into corporate law which makes me absolutely evil.

except i plan on making my own money.  i don’t want children.  i want to invest the money and become a millionaire with my dream homes.

i don’t want to clean my house, i don’t want to talk to the faculty, i don’t want to call the psychiatrist, i don’t want to do my tables of evidence for class, i don’t want to face the fact that i’m utterly unprepared for finals, i don’t want to write my end of semester reports, i don’t want to register for fall classes, i don’t want to accept this horrible change in my graduate program that i’m chosing not to discuss.

i want to eat fruit loops and keep losing weight.  i want my white teeth and my golden tan.  i want my pottery class.  i want my bike rides.  i want my belly dancing class.  i want my weight lifting.  i want my art.  i want my reading.  i want my money.

this is my life.  i’m keeping quite the record aren’t i?