lying in bed.  my room is relatively tidy and my bed isn’t the usual mess.  i have christmas lights adorning my headboard.  i’m comfortable.  i finally decided to display a canvas painting of mine on a wall in my home.  it has been hidden in the basement for over two years.  it’s currently at the foot of my bed and i’m surprised to realize i like it.  i plan to hang it in the hall just outside my bedroom.  i’ve got the materials to paint some more.  i’d like to do that later this week.

i took my final tonight.  lots of writing but i like to think i managed.  i procrastinated and only studied the day of which is dangerous.

last friday night i went downtown with my downstairs roommate.  met one of her friends, who was meeting one of his friends, who brought of one his friends.

who was nice and conversational and asked for my number so that he could ask me out the following weekend.

he texted me tonight and asked me if i had plans.  i had to explain that i unfortunately already did have plans.  you see aiden is visiting me this weekend.  i am rather approaching this as the last hurrah of 2009 and of the decade with aiden.  i don’t doubt that we’ll be lovers again in the future.  i’m just thinking about 2010 as the year without sleeping with aiden.  in theory at least.

so the friendly handsome stranger somehow managed to chat me up.  impressive since it was via text.  i can usually shut down a text conversation with my responses pretty quickly but he skillfully kept it going by asking me interesting questions and flattering me.  it was nice.  he wants to take me to dinner in january although i suspect even though he’s nice we won’t end up being compatible.  i could see myself pulling a b and getting liquored up then getting naughty with him though.  he has this warm kind face that combined with very dark hair and slightly scruffy chin make him look friendly and edgy at the same time.  it’s a bit of a delicious look.  he’s slightly shorter than i usually go for then again i just typically like them nice and tall.

a lot has happened in a year.

i was obsessed with nick.  then i was resigned it would never work out between us.  i began a flirtation with a new guy.  almost by accident nick came back into my life.  we had a happy little relationship for a month or two.  it was almost sweet the way we took it slow and kissed on the weekends.  then following finals he failed to meet a reasonable but also rather high expectation of mine.  i rejected him.  i realized after reading back over my posts that he tried many times to get in touch with me over the summer.  i used verbs like “ignore” and “avoid” and words like “attracted” and “terrified.”  i realized that i was even avoiding him when we were still secretly meeting which may have sent mixed messages regarding my hopes and desires.  i saw aiden again and we even went out a few times without any form of inappropriate intimacy at all.  without even hugging let alone kissing.  i kissed lots of people over the summer and then the night of cage and key’s wedding nick and i cuddled in a hotel room and ended up naked.  i was disappointed in myself and resolved to ignore the feelings of attraction more than ever.

reading my posts i can see the increase in my desire and also strangely the increase in nick’s attempts to contact me which i continued to derisively rebuff.  then one night with enough alcohol and a well placed hand i slept with nick.  enjoyed it.  i realize now that i was getting signals of interest from him immediately following the night and morning we had sex.  he called two days later.  met up with me over his lunch hour and it almost seemed like he tried to arrange for a physical encounter which i dismissed as unnecessary and inappropriate.  he texted me with disappointment when i disappeared from his party without saying goodbye.  he demonstrated what i can only assume were good intentions when it was my birthday.  i was the one who sent a conclusive text that said it would never happen again.  i was ashamed and humiliated following a second attempt at intimacy because my drunken dominance and desperation caused me to lose my dignity.  how’s that for alliteration?  i started seeing alex again.  then i had a sudden change of heart and was interested in aiden again.  interested in a relationship of some kind.  preferably physical.  so i alternated alex and aiden each weekend.  sleeping with aiden but denying poor alex who wanted so badly to be with me.  he finally gave up and said he wanted to settle into a real relationship.  i wasn’t able to give that to him so he left.  did leave behind some nice parting gifts for me though.

grad school has continued to march on.  i’ve tried my best to be positive this year.  i’ve tried to be my best this year.  i tried to lightly patch my friendship with nick to avoid more social exclusion or alienation from our group.  turns out he was always the more important friend and when he stopped bothering to invite me no one else did either.  without actually admitting to what we did he seemed to influence my inclusion in the group.  i’m sure it wasn’t malicious.  i’m sure he was avoiding me just like i avoided him.  we did have sex after all.  more than once.  more than twice.  things have gone well in attempting to build civil relations with nick which is helped enormously along by the fact that he appears to have a very nice girlfriend.  they haven’t been together long.  whenever i wonder if i too quickly dismissed nick’s efforts to be with me i remind myself that he is a smart man.  if he wanted to be with me he would have figured out a way to make it work.  i’m wondering right now if i intimidate him?  i’ve also realized recently that my lack of faith and trust in nick may have contributed to things ending.  my belief that everything he says is a manipulative lie doesn’t make being friends with him easy and makes being his lover almost impossible.  i don’t think i’m unjustified although i wonder how accurate i am.  i’ll never know since even if he told me i wouldn’t believe him.  this year i kissed many different people.  i had sex with three men.  one of whom was the love of my life for three years and is my current dear friend of five years.  one of whom i don’t trust but find myself almost painfully sexually attracted to.  the last isn’t much worth mentioning other than he helped me move on from aiden at the time.

i’m not sure what the future holds right now.

i’m going brunette this weekend.  aiden is visting.  i hope we eat sushi.  next week i have surgery.  then it’s nothing but dvds and books while i recover.

we’ll see what develops with this handsome friendly edgy stranger.

i wonder sometimes if i believe other people are manipulative because i’m manipulative.

this wasn’t the most insightful entry but i think it might have described my journey.  i can only hope my growth.  i know my work as a grad student has dramatically improved.  i know i have grown academically and professionally.

this little space is where i’ve catalogued my personal experiences, accomplishments, and failures.  this little space is where i’ve learned that i am stubborn and that despite my direct approach to so many things in life i actually avoid many things that make me even mildly uncomfortable.

i don’t know if i’ve grown but maybe i can pretend that i’ve learned something in the last year.

aiden and i had the most perfect date ever on saturday night.

it was almost unbelievable.  i took off his clothes almost immediately after he arrived and we had sex.  at the time it felt like that was what he was there for.

we took a hot shower together in my candle lit bathroom.  we had steamy sex standing up.  our wet skin gleamed in the candle light and it was amazing.

then we went to a very late dinner at one of my favorite restaurants.  ate an incredibly delicious meal and drank two glasses of wine.  afterwards we went to a classy bar and had a cocktail.  then we went to another unique bar in an alley behind an old theatre for a martini.  then we went to a club for dancing.  then we stopped in a new bar that smelled like expensive cigars and had delicious beers and impressive walls of liquor.

with all the drinking i was tipsy and giggly.  i took aiden to places he hadn’t been before and we enjoyed our time together.  we had eyes for no one but each other.  except for the last bar when i hit on a girl and she and i flirted.

then on the drive home i noticed the full moon and decided i wanted to go for a walk in the country on my favorite trail.

it was gorgeous.  aiden gave me his sweater to wear and i shivered in the crisp cold fall air.  there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.  the moon shone so brightly that the trees cast distinct shadows and made a beautiful silver lace pattern on the ground.  we walked to a wooden bridge and listened to the water as he embraced me and we kissed.

we went home and had sweet slow sex.

it was the most incredible evening.  we’re definitely no longer just friends although we like to make jokes about being best friends and awesome exes.  it wasn’t just about sex either.  there was a lot of affection and tenderness.

we spent sunday in bed watching videos on our laptops and having sex.  we went grocery shopping together and i cooked a delicious frittata for dinner.  aiden loved it.  then we went upstairs and we were rubbing against each other with our underwear on.  he took his underwear off and rubbed his cock against my panties.  i liked it.  eventually i took off my panties and he continued to rub his cock against my pussy.

i’d asked him earlier that afternoon if he wore condoms to protect himself or to protect me and he gave the expected answer which was “both.”

i told him i thought it was good we were using condoms.  it was responsible.  i said “i’m not going to volunteer any information but if you ask i’ll tell you the truth.”  aiden joked that could have been about anything then i clarified by saying, “i’m referring to that which you aren’t curious about.”  ”oh.” he said, “why did you have to bring that up?”  i didn’t want to tell him i was covering my ass because that sounds suspicious.

it’s especially complex now that when aiden was rubbing his cock against my pussy he asked if i wanted to play.  i asked what he meant and he put the tip of his cock barely inside of me before he told me, “this is what i mean.”  i asked if that was what he wanted.  he asked if that was what i wanted.  then he fucked me.  slowly.  very slowly.

it had been 9 months since the last time we had sex without a condom.

it felt pretty damn good.  aiden gasped and said he’d forgotten how good it felt.  he took everything slow because apparently it felt too good.  i was ridiculously wet.  i played with my clit.  then he came inside of me.

that flat out spells chemical bonding.

i suppose that says i really trust aiden.  i got tested for stds two weeks ago and they came back negative.  so i know i’m clean.

i should make brief note that nick and mill are together practically 24/7 these days.  awkward since she is james’ ex and he is james’ best friend.  mill has a boyfriend whom she isn’t fucking.  friday night i was invited by another friend to nick’s house and had a great time playing fooseball and drinking.  later that night mill and nick disappeared for 20 minutes.  everyone was suspicious but didn’t want to go check.  eventually mill’s boyfriend went downstairs to nick’s bedroom to find out what was going on.  i din’t know what was going on.  i figured they were either having sex, making out, or maybe even talking about me.

i got tired of the scene and decided to go home.  a mistake because i’d been drinking.  i looked around and couldn’t find my shoes.  then i realized they were in the basement.  i was going to have to go downstairs and enter the awkward zone.  i slipped downstairs quickly and as i passed the open doorway where mill’s boyfriend was standing talking to mill and nick in his bedroom i pleasantly said, “just getting my shoes.”  i quickly found them in a corner of a different room and was about to make my escape when the lights came on and nick was suddenly in the room with me.  he asked if i found my shoes and i said i had and i stepped towards the door to leave.  he stepped in front of me and blocked my path.  held out his arms and said he wanted to read my shirt.  i held it away from my body and quickly pointed out a few things of interest on my threadless tee.  he was too close for comfort and i said, “excuse me” and moved to step by.  he moved aside and as i walked away i told him without looking, “goodnight.”

there was tentative talk of hanging out with mill saturday night but my date with aiden made it too easy to postpone.  later that night mill texted me a question.  i didn’t know the answer but i was also naked and drunk.  she responded with that was okay nick explained it to her.

today on campus mill seemed a little awkward around me.  not surprising.  mill is awkward.

me?  i think i’m almost dating my ex boyfriend again.  we’ve had sex on three completely different occasions in the last month alone.  all occasions involved a lot of really good sex.  aiden put it so well when i asked him about it and he said it was like we were in purgatory.  we aren’t here and we aren’t there.

we’re going to have to talk about it.  this can’t go on forever.  nothing has really changed in our lives so it would be pointless to get back together.  i’m interested in the concept of open relationships.  i’m beginning to slowly formulate more of a plan of action.  finally.

i want to casually see aiden more often.  the plan is to talk with him about what we are doing.  where this is going.

i will continue to see alex infrequently.  the plan is to establish quite clearly that i cannot be in a relationship with him.  however, i’d still like to see him.

i will adamantly try to stop thinking about nick.

it’s more complicated than that but at least i’ve stopped thinking of them equally.  that was unbelievably difficult for me.  now there is a hierarchy and i think i can work with that.

lately every time i’ve thought of alex’s arms wrapped around me i quickly think of how much better aiden’s arms feel.

damn it i’ve gotten myself into some trouble.

why is it that my solution is to meet someone new?  why do i think someone else will help?  obviously i can’t let go of the damn lot that i’ve got you’d think i wouldn’t need to add another.  considering i still think about my night with nick i’m pretty much just asking for a fucking pentagon.  not a love triangle a fucking pentagon.  because i want another man to change things for me i want another man to satisfy me so completely i stop collecting little bits and pieces from all the others.

aiden is the comfort and the good sex.

alex is the nice charming sweet guy.

nick is the asshole with the big cock.

aiden picked me up a little earlier than planned.  i was wearing cute destroyed jeans that happened to be two sizes smaller than i was wearing when i broke up with him a year and a half ago.  i had on a cute and casual shirt layered over a soft tank top.  i had considered dressing sexy for aiden but decided to go with cute.  he had on khaki shorts and a black polo.  we both looked good.

we ate at a relatively good restaurant that happened to be the first restaurant we ate at together in my city.  stopped by a bar for a quick beer before going to the movie.  we saw inglorious basterds which i liked mostly because it was quentin tarantino.  of course it was ridiculously violent.  during dinner and the movie i thought about touching aiden casually yet intimately.

that afternoon i had put a bottle of good dry reisling in the fridge.  on the drive back to my place i asked if he was interested.  he said “yes please” and smiled.  when we got to my place i gave him the bottle to open and got out the wine glasses.  he poured and then i said “let’s be scandalous shall we and go upstairs?”  i wasn’t planning on introducing him to my roommates because they would disapprove if they knew about aiden/alex/nick.  it’s unfortunate that i can’t be honest with my roommate because she believes all of my favorite activities are sinful.

so aiden and i slipped upstairs into my bedroom with two wine glasses and a bottle of delicious dry reisling.  we sat on my bed and talked and surfed the web.  eventually i mentioned lighting up and he agreed.  we smoked and watched fantastic planet which is animated and a total trip.  aiden focused on the movie while i was preoccupied with the man in my bed.

we talked about random things.  i’d reach out across the space between us and touch him occasionally to emphasize a point.  with the wine and the weed in my system i eventually took his hand and gently kissed his fingers.  i stroked his hand and lightly pressed his fingers to my skin so that he would touch me.  his thumb began stroking the curve of my breast.  he was tortuously slow at caressing my breast before he lightly teased my nipple.  i gasped and arched my back slightly.

i vaguely remember pressing his other hand to my stomach.  all of his actions were slow and deliberate.  he took forever to actually get in my jeans.  i hoped he would fuck me but instead he began playing with my clit.

it took a long time before i grabbed him and pulled him close to me.  he’d maintained a bit of safe distance.  i remember feeling his warm body finally come into full contact with mine and pushing against him.  i could feel he was aroused but i hesitated to touch him.

aiden began kissing my neck and my breasts and my chest.  it didn’t take long for me to realize he was avoiding my lips and as he touched my body my mind was in a state of arousal and confused anxiety.  with a gasp i cried “why won’t you kiss me?!”  he ignored me for a moment then hesitated before his lips finally came into contact with mine.  i kissed him with a furious passion.

my hips pushed against him and one hand gripped his arm tightly while the other was wrapped around his shoulders and neck.  i didn’t realize it at the time but i hesitated too.  i instigated the physical contact and i demanded he kiss me but i didn’t touch his cock.  i carefully and lightly touched him through his shorts.  he was ridiculously hard.

a part of me hoped he would fuck me but i wasn’t about to insist upon sex.  especially after my previous experience with rejection by nick and the whole “we haven’t had sex with each other in eight months while we’ve been having sex with other people” issue.  so i kept stroking his cock faster and faster as he brought me closer to a rough and quick orgasm.  his breath began to sound harsh and our speed increased.  he gasped then groaned and i felt his hot semen cover his cock, my fingers, and both of our stomachs.  i kept stroking his hard hot cock as my back arched and a mediocre orgasm washed over me.

it was late.  maybe a little before three.  we finally got in my bed and under my covers.  he wrapped his arms tight around me.  we talked.  i don’t really remember what we talked about.  i wasn’t high anymore but it seems so easy to forget things when i’ve been smoking.  i have no idea who started the final round but knowing the two participants i can assume it was probably me.  i remember him touching me..

i remember he whispered something to me but i don’t know what he said.

somehow i had become naked except for my panties and the black fuck me stilettos i had put on in bed because aiden found them sexy.  aiden was completely dressed.  the vulnerability of being almost completely naked and him completely clothed was kind of hot.

it was sudden when aiden quickly unbuckled his belt, unbuttoned his shorts, and pulled down his zipper.  he stood next to the bed watching me as he pulled down his shorts and yanked off his shirt before pressing his body on top of mine.  i knew we were going to fuck then.  he pulled my panties off but kept my sexy black stilettos on.  he left his boxers on for a minute but kept his cock away from my pussy before standing up to get a condom.

did i look him in the eyes as he slowly penetrated me for the first time in eight months?  aiden was both familiar and foreign to me.

it was after three in the morning and we fucked almost desperately.

my stilettos were on his shoulders at one point.  we orgasmed and it was the most satisfying orgasm i’d had in a long time.  he collapsed on top of me breathing hard.  we fell asleep naked.

i woke up the next morning to his vibrating cell phone and it wasn’t even strange that he was there.  he checked his phone and it was an automatic email notifying him of some easily corrected malfunction at work.  i grabbed some clothes and went to the bathroom while he got on his computer to fix the problem remotely.  we ate breakfast together in bed.

then we spent the rest of the day in bed fucking.  the first few times were missionary and pretty basic.  later he fucked me hard from behind.  fucked me with my knees pressed to my chest and my feet above my head.  he fucked me standing at the edge of the bed with my legs around his waist and later with my ankles on his shoulders.  i rode him.

i wonder if our mutual friend yukon informed him i’d had unprotected sex with another man.  i thought about telling aiden the facts about my increased number of sexual partners but he had told me previously that he wasn’t curious and wasn’t interested.  i rationalized that my sexual history was relevant if we were going to have sex but i finally decided that i should respect his decision.  if he asked i would answer honestly and tell him the truth.  otherwise if he didn’t want to know the details i wasn’t going to tell him.  besides i think he was pretty confident in the assumption that i’d fucked a few other men.  we used condoms every time.  that’s the first time we’ve done that in years.  even in january we abandoned condoms within 24 hours for our preferred no condoms.

i could never fuck him again in good conscience without having been tested.  which i plan to be tested again very soon.  i trust nick so very little indeed.

around lunch time we took a nap.  that afternoon we woke up and aiden fucked me proper.  for the first time in many many many months i experienced multiple orgasms.  i don’t actually remember the last time i had multiple orgasms.  something about the way we fit together that afternoon kept pushing me over the edge again and again.  when i realized what was happening i giggled with surprise and pleasure.  followed of course by more moaning.  it was some of the best sex i’ve had in a long time.

we talked in bed and cuddled and it wasn’t long before aiden was hard again.  that man always demonstrated impressive stamina to keep me satisfied on our weekend long sex binges.  i told aiden to fuck me slowly.  he asked if i was sore and i told him no that i just wanted it slow.  my god was it good.  i was moaning and pushing my body against him.  i got going so strong that eventually i was begging him to fuck me hard and he obliged giving me another round of excellent orgasms.

we decided to shower and leave the house for a bit.  i got a latte and we went to a restaurant for dinner.  we were going to stuff ourselves with carbs at a pizza buffet but found it closed for the holiday.  we chose the steakhouse next door.  i ate a salad and drank a cocktail but by the time my rib eye steak arrived i wasn’t hungry anymore and had a bit of an upset stomach.  i picked at my food and was glad when it was time to leave.

by the time we got home and i lied down i was feeling a little better.  i started on some homework while aiden worked on his computer.  we spent most of our time together listening to pandora or thesixtyone.  i decided i was done with homework and surprised aiden by straddling him.  began dancing for him.  my body undulated as i rolled my back and hips to the music.  after a song i stood up on the bed and stripped my jeans off as i looked down at him.  then i continued grinding against him.

he pulled off my shirt.  took off my bra.  kissed me and flipped me over.  took off my panties.  then he began kissing my body.  he began kissing down my stomach and kissed my thighs.  previously i didn’t tolerate his pathetic attempts at cunninglingus for very long.  he didn’t know how to give and i suppose really i didn’t know how to receive.  my most recent sexual partners helped me learn to accept the pleasures of oral sex.  mostly because they were actually good at it.  it was kind of my fault for not letting aiden practice but there had been some unpleasant experiences.

when he finally began licking my clit i’m sure he was surprised i didn’t push him away as i previously did with his fumbling attempts.  instead i stretched my legs and then let my thighs relax with him between them.  i covered my face with a pillow and laughed and thought to myself “someone finally taught you some manners.”  i should apologize for it not being me after our three years of sex together.  that was probably as much a disservice to him as it was to me.

i half expected him to lick at me for a few minutes then get a condom and fuck me.  instead he dedicated himself to the task.  i got really close to dying of pleasure a few times but his technique wasn’t quite spot on enough to make me orgasm.  still felt freaking amazing though.  after a rather long amount of time passed with him between my legs i eventually gave a bit of a shudder and had him slow down.  when i was as content as i was going to be i had him stop.

i told him i wanted to taste him.  he straddled my chest and i began to suck his cock.  i gave his ass a gentle push and he began fucking my mouth the way i indicated.  aiden was sighing deeply and moaning quietly which considering he doesn’t usually make much sound until he comes was a very good sign.  his moaning got louder and his hips began to move just a little faster.  i took this as my cue and increased the speed so that he stopped moving his hips.  i had his balls cradled in my hand and my fingers stroked him continuously.  he began to mutter “oh god oh god oh god” over and over.  soon he was moaning loudly as his orgasm took him.  i swallowed it all eagerly as he continued to moan and groan loudly.  he took in deep gasping breaths trying to steady his breathing.  he would laugh and shudder whenever i hit a sensitive sweet spot.  eventually once his cock had been completely caressed by my tongue and my lips had finished kissing him i let him escape my grasp.

he collapsed next to me and said his whole body was still tingling.  he looked at me and laughed and said “i love the way you look right now.  you have this amazing smile like you know exactly what you just did and you loved every minute of it.  that is so fucking sexy.”  i licked my lips and nodded.  ”that may have been the best blow job of my life” he told me.  i was happy and content.  i really do enjoy a job well done.

aiden embraced me in a tight hug and told me he loved spending time with me.  he couldn’t see but i looked away when he used the word love.  strangely despite all of the sex and laughter and happiness there wasn’t any love.  it wasn’t surprising really just kind of a different experience.  i’ve never been with aiden without feeling love for him so this was new for me.  i adored the sex we had.  i’d even consider doing it again.  yet there was no love.  we talked about how right we were for each other but also that we accepted we were not right for each other right now.  i made a joke or two about the woman/women aiden has slept with (e.g., “for some reason i always imagine you having sex with women as dominant as me”) and i unintentionally made statements or answered questions with clues that i had been with other men.  neither of these seemed to bother him.  so we accept our relationship as friends.  i worry about when he asks me if i’m seeing anyone though.  i think i’ll have to tell him the truth and explain i’m seeing someone but it isn’t serious at all.  i hope he doesn’t decide to be righteous and say i can’t see someone else and still fuck him at the same time.

i guess i’m kind of operating on the assumption alex and i will have sex at some point.  we’ve got another date this weekend and i’ve got my outfit picked out.  i went killer sexy last time and i’m going comfortable, cute, and casual this time.  we’re doing an afternoon date with dinner to follow.  i suppose we might meet some of my friends later that evening.  yikes is that like introducing him to my friends?  awkward.  the girls want to meet him.

interesting enough alex is going out of his way to share things with me he knows i’ll like.  he actually ordered an entire anime series because i said i liked the first four episodes.  we’ll see how this goes.  what the hell is wrong with me?  aiden and alex are both geeks.  alex and nick both love sci fi and anime.  yikes.

tales of my sexual exploits with aiden.  not the ones from when we were dating.  the sexual exploits from this weekend.

it became obvious that i needed to write again when in my typical search for information i actually googled “why isn’t there any easy answer?”

the question on my mind is embarrassing.  it’s paranoid.  it’s plausible and unlikely.

i seem to have convinced myself in the last 24 hours that nick wants to get with mill.

i am disturbed that i would actually think this.  disturbed it would actually be suggested by one of the guys.  disturbed that nick looked embarrassed and avoided the subject when it was brought up in front of me.

i’m ashamed that nick hasn’t told any of his friends about me.  i’m ashamed because that makes me think he is ashamed of me.  i’m ashamed because i think i’m not sexy.

i’m sad i don’t like alex as much as he likes me.  i’m sad that i feel like i’m settling a little for a companion.  i’m sad that i could break his heart when he finds out that i don’t really want him.  i’m only slightly concerned that he’ll want to make our relationship official.  i get the impression that he doesn’t have the courage to make such demands.

i’m concerned by my strong desire to see and sleep with aiden.  didn’t really see that one coming did you?  he’s taking me to a movie and dinner tomorrow night.  if he picks me up then i’ll probably invite him in.  i want to kiss him.  i want to touch him.  i want to straddle him and have him run his hands all over my skin.  i want to see his cock again.  i want to touch him.  i want to taste him.  i want to taste his mouth.  taste his skin.  lavish his body with kisses.

lately every time i think of aiden i feel this intense arousal.  especially when i’m around him.  we had a late night conversation and i discovered that he has only had sex with someone else once.  i’m depressed i’ve only had sex with someone else five times since i was last with aiden.  i discovered that we both still find each other ridiculously sexually attractive.

which immediately brings me back to thoughts of nick.

thoughts of how eventually i’ll fuck alex.

thoughts of how i wanted to fuck nick when we had our sick little psuedo relationship.

thoughts of whether or not sex with alex will be any good.

thoughts of how nick wants to sleep with mill.

that last one isn’t a fact but it was briefly implied by one of his friends at happy hour.  this is disturbing because nick is best friends with mill’s long time on again off again boyfriend.  who is admittedly in south america.  meaning maybe mill is free game?

my friends posted pictures on facebook of a group of them traveling to another city to visit someone.  these are nick’s friends.  the friends i thought liked me too.  i was surprised to see mill in the pictures.  then crushed.  i still feel a twist of disgust in my stomach thinking about it.  they actively didn’t invite me. they actively invited mill.  it felt like i’d been replaced because i was there first and now i was excluded.

i suspected this had something to do with the night i threw myself at nick.

that’s the night i’ve been meaning to write about.  it was a small party to celebrate my birthday.  i suggested shots.  drank many shots.  embarrassed myself.  nick came into my bedroom that night to tell me goodnight and i pulled him into bed.  being drunk and dominant i demanded he fuck me.  he declined because i was too drunk.  he rejected me so i tried all my tricks to get him to fuck me.  tried to take of his clothes which didn’t work that well because of my impaired fine motor skills.  i did get his cock out of his pants though and started to blow him which he moaned in pleasure for a few moments before pushing me away and telling me it was wrong because i didn’t know what i was doing.  it was true.  i don’t remember much of the evening yet somehow the humiliation of throwing myself at nick and being repeatedly rejected was all too vivid.

the ultimate humiliation was when i took off my pants while nick was in the bathroom.  straddled him while he accused me of trying to rape him.  took off my shirt.  took off my bra.  was still rejected.

i actually cried myself to sleep when he left.  probably because i knew i had just lost any dignity i had left.  it was pathetic.

the next day i sent him an apology text.  he replied that it was water under the bridge and said he hoped my hangover wasn’t too bad and that was it.  i didn’t even text him back to let him know how i was.

we didn’t talk once for three weeks.  on thursday i went to lunch with mill and cage.  never told mill that i saw the pictures of her with my friends without me.  i never believe in telling people what they can and can’t do or who they can and can’t see so i never mentioned it.  i was just seriously hurt by it.  after lunch we all went back to school and as i was walking into the building with cage i saw mill was talking to a guy who turned and i realized it was nick who was also on campus.  i waved initially at mill but also somewhat at nick.  nick waved back and mill gave a small wave.

that night nick invited me to happy hour the next day.  it had been three weeks since the event of my shame so i figured it was time to socialize again.  also if this was a gesture of peace or friendship i wanted to accept it.

i suggested a martini bar with free snacks during happy hour and everyone loved my choice.  things seemed awkward with the group a little bit and it was probably because nick is first and foremost their friend.  it’s quite possible they knew nick had been avoiding me.  i kept the martinis coming.  i made some confident eye contact with nick but also couldn’t control my occasionally shifting gaze that avoided his.

it was during happy hour that nick asked me if mill was coming.  i said i didn’t know that i hadn’t talked with her.  that was when one of his buddies made some offhanded comment to nick that made him smile uncomfortably and attempt to deny whatever had been said.  i didn’t actually hear what was said but the subtext involved nick wanting mill and it doesn’t really surprise me because she is so attractive.  i pretended i didn’t hear anything instead of participating in the conversation.  i got the horrible feeling that nick was denying the insinuation because of my presence.  of course he should probably be ashamed since she is his best friend’s ex girlfriend.

i’m not really upset about it just a little uncomfortable.  especially if this dalliance is real because mill knows nick and i slept together.  she asked me point blank a week after it happened and in my shock i didn’t know what else to do but tell the truth.  i didn’t deny it.

sometimes i think about how nick insisted i go home with him when i was so very drunk.

other times i think of riding him the next morning in the dark when i was only a little tipsy and much more sober.  i think of how i woke up in his bed and he cuddled me before suggesting a quickie.  i think about how i could have run away like a true one night stand.

i think about how he called me a day or two later and left me a silly message.

i think about how he has tremendous skill at manipulation and how he probably wanted me to think he liked me.  i didn’t believe it at all at the time.  it’s only the hindsight that makes me wonder.  wren and yukon suggest that nick refused to sleep with me that night because i was in fact too drunk and that he did it because he liked me and respected me.  i emphatically disagreed.

when i apologized to him the next day i also told him my actions were wrong.  that it would never happen again and that i was sorry.  in my mind i meant i would never try to seduce him again but secretly i would accept him seducing me.  although i suspect it was interpreted as we will never be alone in bed again because it is wrong.

i almost think it is wrong to sleep with aiden even though i want to.  what if we just had some fun mutual masturbation?  that would be impossible without wanting to feel him inside of me.

so i’m going to go ahead and publish this post.  it’s a horribly confused mess of men and sexual desire.  i’m going to buy some groceries for the first time in three weeks.  i’ve been buying lattes and clothes instead of food.  it’s late but my stomach hurts and i need some food.

i have a date with alex on saturday.

i am hungover.  again.  you’d think i would stop doing this.

nick kept his distance last night.

i hotboxed with strangers.

nick kept his distance last night except for when i went into the basement and into the room with the keg.  eye contact and smiles all around between the two of us.  then his roommates, the girl roommates, the crazy roommates, started kicking people out.

so i left without saying goodbye.  nick texted me after i’d gotten home and was in bed.  took him long enough to realize i was gone.

i made a mistake last night.  i told mill nick and i slept together.  i’m ashamed that i told her because this is a private matter and is meant to be kept a secret.  she asked me point blank though and i was unprepared.  i struggled and refused to answer until she said “i didn’t realize we didn’t talk about sex?”  that was the secret phrase because then i confessed we’d done it monday when i was hammered.

i want to ask nick if we’re outright denying this.  i would be okay with that.  less drama that way.

however i don’t like lying.  i’m not like nick in that regard.  which now that i think about it he wouldn’t even think twice about denying it so maybe i should too?

so mill asked a direct question and i answered it honestly.  i could and should have told her to mind her own business.

i mocked one of nick’s female roommates last night.  i got into a power struggle with another.  the ugly one.  she doesn’t have much going for her so she has a nasty attitude to make up for it.  i won the power struggle of course.  i started it when i turned down the volume on the awful music she was playing.  she turned it up and kept her hand near the controls after that.  i tried to change the track hoping for a better song and she batted my hand away.  so i unplugged the stereo and walked away.

later that night she tried playing more awful music and turned it up loud and came into the living room where i was and looked at me expecting me to rise to her provocation.  i ignored her.

strange that i start and finish things but i don’t just let other people start them.  that goes against a common saying “i don’t start things i finish them.”  well i have the control to start things.  she didn’t have the power to start anything with me.

so overall last night was not awesome.  i regret telling mill i slept with nick.  may have some backlash for going up against the nasty attitude roommate.  she definitely won’t be liking me.  hopefully nick and the guy roommates defend me when i’m not there.  i have awesome parties.  i serve great food.  i am funny and know how to entertain.  they seem to like me.  i hope they really do.

the truth was i was at nick’s apartment all last night and we didn’t touch.  i am going to have to take the condoms out of my purse today.  makes me nervous for my upcoming birthday party.  i’d kind of like to get laid again although it only happens when i’m not expecting it.  my body was in prime condition last night very soft and smooth and i had on cute underwear.  i knew that meant i probably wasn’t going to be having sex.  i had sex with nick when i hadn’t shaved in two days, hadn’t done any personal grooming for two weeks, and was wearing the most awful plain white cotton panties.

i doubt i’ll be having sex the night of my birthday party.  we’ll see.  i won’t plan on it.

for some reason my brain still gives me vivid little fantasies when i should be writing a paper for class.

i want to go out to dinner at my favorite restaurant.  i want it to be cool enough to sit outside and drink beer and wine.  i want to go see a movie.  i’m really interested in seeing district 9 although if harry potter is still playing i’d love to see that too.  i want to go back to my place for music and drinks and strangely i want to smoke a little too.  i want to have someone to go to bed with.

i suppose it’s only natural that my desires change but at the moment i want to share a bed with someone.  go to sleep with them.  wake up next to them.  my mind thinks about the men i’ve slept with before.

i want to make love the night of my 23rd birthday.

i’m terrified i might be spending it alone.

i don’t think that will happen and i hope i have friends who care enough to make sure it doesn’t but i’m still afraid.

i’ve sent out invitations for a party that saturday night.  i didn’t want to have it on my actual birthday for some reason although i’m not sure why.  the night of my birthday feels more intimate.  even though these are my closest friends for some reason i thought a party on saturday would be better.  i will have cupcakes, cheeses, crackers, dips, and jalapenos stuffed with cream cheese and wrapped in bacon.  my parties are somewhat epic.

my parties are epic but i might spend my birthday alone.

i’ve actually thought about trying to see aiden or nick the night of my birthday and the fact that i have had that thought is disappointing.  i’ve toyed with the idea of inviting aiden to my city for my birthday.  i think it would be dangerous to have him alone in the house with me at night.  i’ve thought about being cavalier and saying he can sleep in my bed so long as we don’t do anything but i know how that would work out.  i would resent my body and even though i would enjoy every minute of a forbidden encounter i would regret it after he left.

i’ve thought about what if he forced himself upon me.  the fool never really had the dominance to take me whenever he wanted.  i spent the afternoon thinking about the one time he did take me when i didn’t want him to.  it was a good experience if you can believe that.  i was angry at him.  he wanted to fuck me.  he tried to take me.  i pushed him away.  it escalated into wrestling.  we were in bed and i was naked except for my panties.  he ripped them off.  yet i was still too angry.  i didn’t want to satisfy him.  i didn’t want to pleasure him.  we wrestled naked and i kept twisting away from him and turning my hips just so.  he was breathing very hard and fast as he tried to get in a position where he could penetrate me.  eventually he was able to grab my hips while forcing my legs apart.  he entered me and exhaled hard then gasped as he pushed and forced my legs further apart while i fought against him.  i had my hands flat against his chest pushing him away.  my arms were locked and i didn’t want him on me i didn’t want him to kiss me.  i stared him down as he started to fuck me.  i expected him to stop.  i expected him to try and pleasure me.  i expected him to do anything but what he did.  which was to fuck me harder.  i squeezed my eyes shut and stayed perfectly still.  i didn’t move.  the only contact we shared was my hands firm against his chest and his cock pounding my pussy.  he fucked me just like that.  he fucked me until he came inside me.  when he pulled away i turned from him.  i was still angry and a little shocked.  i couldn’t believed he’d just fucked me after i tried to fight him off and that he orgasmed while i lied there motionless, silent, angry, and defiant.  but i was also satisfied with the knowledge that when we had sex again that night he would owe me and he would give me everything i wanted.  i knew i was going to have multiple orgasms that night after he bought me an expensive dinner.  you should see the little grin i have on my face right now thinking of that night.

he would never do that again.  he said the only reason he did it then was because he knew i wouldn’t really let him fuck me if i wasn’t okay with it.  we have a safeword.  i could have stopped him.  if i had said the safeword he would have stopped immediately.  i didn’t stop him.  i was motionless while he finished.  he would only force himself upon me now if he knew without a doubt i really really really wanted it.

some nights i really really want it.

not that we haven’t thought about it.  i’ve tried to talk to him about it.  he misses me.  i miss him.  yet we don’t want to get back together.  i don’t want the complications that would ensue if we tried to have a physical relationship again.  i can’t do that with someone i loved for three years.

if it wasn’t for the three years of history we would probably still seek each other for comfort.  when i say seek each other for comfort i mean fuck like animals.

cage misses aiden.  she tells me that pretty frequently.  it’s been over  a year and she still likes him.  i can’t blame her.  we were good together.

i see pictures of him on facebook and i want him to be mine.  i want his lips and his jaw line and his body to be mine and no one else’s.  i’m not even really jealous just possessive.  they can be very similar i know but it was always the thought that his lips and his cock were mine and mine alone.  i loved that we didn’t have to use condoms with each other.

that has of course changed.

i think of nick on my bed in the moonlight stroking my bare back while i gently and slowly rubbed my body against his.

i think of nick on top of me and his lips kissing mine.

i have to admit i’ve thought of getting back together with nick.  i cannot believe i just confessed that.  it’s rather shameful.

i want to delete those words but it’s true.  i think it’s only because i want something sensual in my life.  he can’t give me what i need unfortunately.  that’s the fatal flaw in that plan.  in regards to being a potential lover nick is an epic failure.

this is just too weird.  i have to post it for the record.  i wonder if i’ll really want to remember this though.

how did an invitation to happy hour and four invitations (including a date) for friday night result in me feeling lonely?

i’m pretty sure it isn’t supposed to work that way.  long day at the grad school.  i was super excited for the prospect of happy hour with my friends except cage didn’t answer my call or respond to my text and tonight she’s my invite.  i don’t adhere quite so strongly to the invite rule now that i’m so close with everyone but occasionally i need to know i’m wanted before i make an appearance.  usually someone from the gang will let me know what and when and where.  it always feels good to be wanted by several different individuals in our group.

on occasion nick would be the one doing the inviting.  i’ve ignored him since the little “oh we’re naked again” incident.  i haven’t avoided just ignored.  there’s a difference.  i keep imagining him asking why.  i think about different answers.  trouble is i know he doesn’t really care.

so i suspect the happy hour meet up was tonight.  it was left terribly unclear by cage since typically they gather on friday afternoons.  i think they might be having fun without me.  it would be interesting to see nick.  i kind of like having the power to ignore him despite wanting to fuck him.  i sure hope he wants to fuck me.  that would make it all the better that i’m not going to fuck him.

i hope i didn’t just jinx myself.  i hope i don’t end up writing a self loathing and satisfied post about any sex we may have.

i want to look him in the eye and let him know he doesn’t have me.  he never did and because of his stupidity and immaturity he never will.  i want him to look away from me because i’m the dominant bitch.  i don’t avoid him because i’m scared i ignore him because he doesn’t deserve the attention.  you can see it in my eyes.  a mocking glimmer in my eyes and a smirking grin on my full pink lips.  i warned him.  a kiss is not a contract.  he never had me.

poor pathetic boy thinks he’s a man and in control.  i used to think he was a man before i realized how romantically impotent he was.  it’s sad he was too blind to realize what we could have had.  fantastic sex.  geek movie nights.  delicious dark beer.   no commitment just respect.

it isn’t too much to ask for respect.  he was lucky to catch me drunk and frisky that night.  that incident helps me to understand his true colors.

i wonder sometimes if it would even be possible for him to return to my favor.  however i believe the requirements are beyond him.  i’d have to say five expensive dates and a month and a half of perfect behavior.  it would take some major convincing.  of course if he pulled those things off he’d be rewarded with very passionate sex.  frequently.  interspersed with blow jobs.

instead he remains someone i despise despite the sexual attraction and chemistry.

i know i’m desirable and i don’t have to waste my time with someone who isn’t going to give me what i want nor meet my expectations.

alex asked me on another date.  that would be our fourth.  he might be amusing to fool around with but i’m proceeding exceedingly carefully.  i sense the drama and don’t want to get involved.  the ex and the ex’s son make for a major turn off.  doesn’t matter that it isn’t his child he was fool enough to get entangled.  that kind of stupidity is not a turn on.

tonight i’ve got an attitude and a splash of arrogance.  let’s hope i’m not disappointed.  i wonder how much of this is insecurity.  probably just boredom.

update:  it was in fact a happy hour organized by nick last night.  no one went except for cage and her husband.  interesting.

i suppose i could start with nick.  i don’t have to but i might as well.  fortunately i wasn’t emotionally invested in our relationship.  unfortunately i was physically invested and so i’ve been using my vibrator a lot lately.  at least i am well grounded in the knowledge that all it took to replace him was a sex toy.  i’m disappointed but i’m not upset.  i just don’t feel like volunteering for the sting of rejection.  let’s be honest.  i made it very clear i liked him by inviting him over to my house on multiple occasions and inviting him upstairs.  he made it very clear that he doesn’t like me.  i’m having a hard time reconciling the fact that he may try to hang out with me again.  this is far from guaranteed but it is a real possibility.  this has happened twice now.  if i let it happen a third time i’m a fool.

i went on a date with aiden tuesday night.  good to see him.  i expected him to look devastatingly sexy but he only looked like my best friend of five years and lover for three and a half.  we went to dinner.  we chatted.  made each other laugh.  i looked at him and thought about the fact that he had slept with someone else.  tried to accept the fact that he kisses and caresses and orgasms with other women.  i get the feeling he’s had additional causal sexual experiences.  part of me doesn’t think he’s that kind of man but another part of me understands that i made sure he was a very sexual individual before i left him.  i wondered if he was dating someone.  thought it was possible.  i thought about me sleeping with someone else and it wasn’t strange.

i’m worried that i might get a little competitive with aiden when it comes to fucking other people.  i think that while i wanted to have casual sex in march there was a significant desire to fuck someone else because aiden had fucked someone else.  on tuesday i didn’t want to know if he had slept with anymore women because i’m a little afraid that would drive me to get naked with any number of men i’m interested in.  i could see myself sleeping with ryan this weekend if i knew aiden was having lots of sex.  part of my brain thinks “if aiden, who is a good kind responsible man, can have one night stands and casual sex then why can’t i?”

i’ve been contemplating promiscuity and casual sex a lot lately and in a slightly different light than usual.  ryan would fuck me but i’m sure wouldn’t have a relationship with me.  i’ve been told by mutual acquaintances that he isn’t looking for a girlfriend.  i’ve considered the thought of having him be someone i call when i want to get laid.  then that would bring the number of men i’ve slept with to five.  the ratio will have tipped from 2 relationships to 3 casual fucks.  four seems possibly too few but five seems definitely too many especially considering that i’m ready for some form of relationship that involves affection and intimacy.  i don’t know if i’m ready for exclusivity or anything serious but after over a year of being single i’m ready to spend lazy days in bed with someone i deeply care about.  i’ve realized that’s what i miss most about aiden.  having my best friend naked and laughing in bed with me.  i know i can have that with someone else.  aiden was special and comfortable and stable and knew every way to please me so when i get lonely i miss him even though it isn’t him i’m missing.

it kind of breaks down into how many men would i be okay having sex with in my lifetime?  ten?  what if i don’t commit right away?  ten before i reach thirty?  that doesn’t sound too bad does it?  then the other question is WHY does it matter how many men i sleep with?  if i am safe (of course always safe that is not even a question) and responsible and enjoy it without getting emotionally hurt then why shouldn’t i sleep with men?  can i have sex and not be emotionally involved?  what’s interesting about my one night stand from march is that i am completely and utterly detached from him.  he called me the other day and i didn’t even care and didn’t even want to talk to him.  he’s quite nice i just so don’t give a damn.  if i had sex with nick i know i would be involved and it would be messy which has me relieved we never had sex and also wish that i’d had that experience with him.  the experience of sex that is not of messy emotional involvement.

aiden and i went to star trek.  the movie i was supposed to see with nick.  aiden had invited me to go on sunday but it didn’t work out until tuesday.  aiden was busy texting during part of the movie and i was pissed.  my imagination convinced me that he had a girlfriend that was checking on the situation.  i was able to kick my rationale brain into gear and asked him what was wrong.  i’d forgotten he had the radio tower at his work set up so that it texts him whenever it goes off air.  he was texting to get one of his employees to get it back online.  i should mention aiden now has employees beneath him and is considered boss of people.  he has the unofficial title of head of operations.  of course i’m never satisfied so i said i thought it should be an official title.  he isn’t paid much but he has a lot of money saved.  how can he still be quite the catch and has great chemistry with me in bed but isn’t the man for me?

after the movie was over we slouched down next to each other and put our heads together to talk.  our shoulders and arms touched.  my body remembers him.  i could feel my body wanting him.  i could feel my body wanting to get naked.  fortunately it was only my body and not so much my sex drive.  i’m really scared that if my libido was on full burn and my body was ready and willing that i would be unable to stop any advances from aiden.  i’m afraid that i would gasp and moan and respond with a fierce desire that totally ignores my well being and only seeks pleasure.

i don’t want to have sex with aiden.  that behavior is no longer healthy.  we had sex in early october 2008 because it had been three months since i’d last had sex and i was lonely.  we had sex in late october 2oo8 because we really liked the sex and wanted more.  we had sex in january 2009 simply because i wanted to have sex while high.  two weeks later he slept with the girl he made out with last fall.  two weeks after that he tried to have sex with me but because it wasn’t on my terms i said no.  when i found out he tried to fuck me after sleeping with another girl and not telling me about it i didn’t feel like talking to him.  i wasn’t angry.  i was just tired of the whole thing.  i sincerely wished this past weekend that he and i had had a huge fight and screamed at each other and cried and broken up with such intensity there would be no way for us to go back.  we never fought.  we kept sleeping together for two months after we stopped dating.  everything was friendly and comfortable and the same as always.  it has been far too easy to slip back into a sexual relationship over the last year.  i hope we can put that behind us but i feel as though without a current source of sex and affection i will always be attracted to aiden.

aiden and i went to a bar after the movie and shared a pitcher of beer.  we laughed and joked and told stories.  it was really comfortable.  he kept his distance at the table which was good and bad and appropriate considering i’d put my purse between us and kept my distance as well.  he teased me when i spilled beer and when i called him out he said he couldn’t help but hope that it would go between my breasts so he had to watch.  we reminisced over a few good stories and aiden avoided glossing over our past and chose to be true to ourselves and in a way honor us by acknowledging “then we had amazing sex.”  i smiled and commented on how i sure did break him in.  he was a virgin when we met.  he was comfortable with bdsm and all manner of positions and activities when i was finished with him.  we toasted.  aiden said he wanted to get high again.  i told him to call me sometime when he was in my city and we would drink a few beers and maybe light up together.  i know we would have fun.  i know we would have to keep our distance because with all inhibitions gone we would probably make a grab for each other and regret it later.  i think with a strong resolve and maybe a new fuck buddy affectionate sexual partner in place i could get intoxicated with aiden and not take off his clothes and lick every inch of his hard …

i drove him to the movie theatre where i thought his car was, forgetting it was at the restaurant.  he said he had wondered where i was going and i asked why he didn’t say anything.  he said he thought maybe i was driving into the country.  whenever we drove into the country in the past it was almost always to have sex.  i laughed heartily and then apologized for laughing at him.  he asked why i was apologizing and i said because if he was serious and had been hopeful then laughing at him was not very nice but if he was being sarcastic then it was okay.  he said somewhat strangely that he was being sarcastic.  it didn’t ring true although i don’t think he is much more comfortable with having sex than i am.  i think we both realize that despite being intensely pleasurable it is no longer healthy for us.  it’s so hard to completely give up the idea because my god is it pleasurable.  i wrote  a protected post the last time we had sex.  we went out with one hell of a bang and definitely on top.  that weekend was some of the best sex we’ve ever had together.

we looked at each other when i dropped him off.  i looked down.  i didn’t move.  he watched me carefully.  he opened the passenger car door and i put my hand gently on his cheek then dropped it.  he stepped out and got into his car.  it was an amazing night.  i think a step in the right direction despite being a horrible reminder of all the amazing sex i could be having but i’m not.

i really hoped he went home and jacked off thinking about me.  maybe looking at the naked pictures he has of me.  possibly thinking of the hundreds of times we’ve had incredible sex.  he’s a good friend and i’m glad we got together.  i looked good but i didn’t look too sexy.  i want us to move on but i want him to never forget just how damn good i am.

i’m just sad i didn’t have anybody in my bed when i got home to my city.