Perfectly Flawed

i’m sad.  it feels different than depressed.  i’m just sad.

i hate everyone.  i hated aiden a little less than anyone else for a while.  i trust no one.

this makes my life pretty sad and pathetic right now.  i worry about my ability to trust someone.  because i don’t trust anyone right now not even my best friends.  i find flaws in everyone.  it doesn’t even matter that i have more than my fair share of flaws.

i judge people based on their actions and their words.  i’m beginning to realize that means i’m judging everyone all the time.  i wonder if they are judging me?

i might have a party next week.  hopefully it’s epic.  i don’t think i have any friends any more but at least i have people who sometimes show up.

i’ve been meaning to write really i have.  i even have a draft started that was maybe too hard to write.  shame and humiliation usually are difficult.  i’ll tell that story soon i promise because it needs to be told.

so where am i right now?  feeling a bit low energy from my allergies, my extreme calorie restriction, and my apathy.

i went on a date with alex last night.  it was really nice and i mean that really nice.  we saw district 9 a movie i really wanted to see and loved.  afterwards we ate sushi at a very hip and popular sushi and sake place.  went back to his place and listened to some of his records.  stood on his balcony admiring his view.

i would have kissed him.  thought about kissing him.  had i been tipsy i might have kissed him.  instead my rationale mind asked a valid question.  why would i kiss him if i don’t want to have a serious relationship with him?  not to say that i can’t kiss him but why would i initiate the intimacy of something i don’t want?

so i decided if he wanted to kiss me he could kiss me.  i would give him opportunities but i wouldn’t kiss him.  well.  he didn’t kiss me.

he did however give me a very nice expensive hard back book for my birthday.  a graphic novel in fact which lets you know we are kindred geek spirits.  he also gave me an extra router he had since mine has been on the fritz.  he loaned me his david sedaris audio book cds.  bought my movie ticket and tried to buy me dinner as well but i insisted on splitting the bill.

talking with him is so easy.  there are always lots of laughs.  a little innuendo and mild flirting but mostly just enjoying each other’s company.

he wants to see me again which would be i think date number five but i’m beginning to lose count.  if i sleep with him he would be the sixth guy i’ve had sex with.  i’m okay with that.  i’m okay with that?  i think i’m okay with that.

i know it’s the alcohol.  rather i should say the delicious bottle of red wine i drank with my incredibly flavorful steak.

i flirted with first alex.

then the pathetic ryan.

messaged nick with no response.  sad.  then later tonight i got a message that said “lo ciento. i put on my facebook and then went to the grocery store. i wasn’t ignoring you, i promise. and yes, hooray for apollo! i can’t wait for dollhouse to start again.”  something about the “i wasn’t ignoring you, i promise” makes me strangely hot and i’m pretty sure it’s the phrase “i promise.”  whenever i hear the phrase “i promise” it’s usually some claim of affection and innocence and ends in exciting rough sex so unfortunately saying “i promise” almost turns me on a little bit.

i swear it’s behavioral conditioning and not voluntary.

did i mention i drank a full bottle of wine?  i am highly suspect of the fact that my interest in nick is increasing again.  this is dangerous.

time to get a job.  i think cocktail waitress one or two nights a week might be appropriate.  fortunately the new roommate is moving in so i won’t be completely broke.  just almost completely broke.

tonight life feels like it’s coming together.

except i’m pretty sure that’s just the adderall.

which is kind of amazing.

just so i mention one positive thing tonight …

i went on a bike ride saturday with a girlfriend that was amazing.  we rode our bikes out to a small rural town.  we went to pretty much the only restaurant in the place and ordered a pitcher of beer and nachos and tasty fried mushrooms and jalapenos.  it was glorious.  we made good time back home and after taking  a quick shower i met her at her place to play with her adorable kitten and watch battlestar galactica while drinking a nice dark chocolate porter.  we did about 22 miles total.  if that is not the definition of an awesome day and night i don’t know what is.  next time we’re bringing our swimming suits and going swimming at the local pool before the beer and nachos!

it makes me happy.

i feel … weird.

not bad.  not awesome but okay pretty good.

yesterday i obtained and filled a prescription for adderall.  a serious prescription stimulant.  it says amphetamine on my drug bottle.  it’s pretty valued by college students.

i’m adjusting to the side effects today.  i know when students abuse adderall they usually take it right before a big test or the night they write a research paper.  i plan on taking it every day to help me deal with my attention deficit.  right now i feel weird.  i feel like my writing is incomplete.

then again my writing has been incomplete for many days now.  i’ve started a handful of drafts and deemed them all too pathetic to even bother posting.  so many random things to talk about or mention.  nothing terribly important.

i was going to mention how last night i stayed awake thinking about sex.  about how long it’s been since i’ve had it.  how much i want to have it.  who i want to have it with.  then i realized the negative consequences associated with any of the men i want to sleep with.  for example i really want to sleep with ryan and i think we could develop a nice little purely physical relationship.  however he is very close friends with a couple whose friendship i’ve come to really value.  i really like the wife but i’ve come to value the husband in a special way as well.  i don’t like the idea of them finding out i slept with one of their closest friends they introduced me to.  however, we’re all adults and sometimes isn’t that what adults do?

i thought about texting aiden last night and telling him how much i loved being single but also how much i missed him.

i thought about alex and our date last friday and how i shook his hand goodnight to try and avoid any awkward moments.  i tried to imagine fucking him.

it was getting so frustrating.  eventually i got out my dildo and fucked myself.  i usually watch a little porn when i get off but this time i relaxed in the dark and let my mind think of all the possibilities.  as i orgasmed with a shuddering gasp i was thinking about me on my back with aiden above me and him orgasming and ejaculating all over my chest then gently pinching my slippery nipples while behind him nick fucked me as i played with my clit and then we simultaneously orgasmed as he ejaculated deep inside of me.  that is kind of a doozy of a dirty fantasy.

as i was leaving the psychiatrists office yesterday i realized i’m a bit of a liar.  i drink occasionally to excess, i’ve smoke weed on more than a few occasions, i’ve hurt myself in the past, and i sometimes make myself throw up.  instead of telling the truth i just report the attention problems.

i’m a little sore today.  i played sand volleyball last night.  i have no skill whatsoever.  i did do some dives and got in the sand a bit so i tried my best.

nick tried to contact me again by sending me a message.  it’s always friendly geek related stuff.  i just don’t even feel like playing that game anymore.

funny how i took a stimulant and now i think i might take a nap.  i feel good in bed.  i don’t feel sore and my pulse slows a bit.

alex is hitting on me now that he’s broken up with his girlfriend.

ryan is hitting on me.

i went to a local brewery tour with james, dan, nick, and nick’s brother.  usually i go with james and nick’s brother but this time dan and nick accompanied us.

four glasses of free delicious beer.

i got a free glass of beer and showed off for the guys.

i happened to be wearing a sexy low cut shirt.  not overtly sexy but definitely sexy.  loose and flowing but with a deep v neck.

had a pretty good night with the boys.

nick then basically invited me back to his place.  very subtle but fairly obvious none the less.  as in the other guys would have noticed us leaving together.

i declined.

i chatted with aiden today.

i feel fat yet i seem to be doing pretty good with the men at the moment.  this is good.  also i got someone else’s number.

i can’t wait for b to move out.