I think sometimes it’s a good idea to step back and look at your blog and see how far you have come and what you have gone through. I started mine in 2006 and am surprised to even think about what I was like four years ago or so… Mine I started as a means to write about what I was going through… and it was the sole place that I was honest. I only let a select few friends have accessed so they knew what was happening so I didn’t have to say a thing. What I wrote, they never commented on unless something struck them. They never complained about what I said. It was liberating and soon I didn’t hide everything in my writing.

Your friends would be surprised to see what you have written, it would do either or both: anger them to not know what you truly felt and also give them a window or clarity about what you went/are going through.

Making mistakes… fuck that’s life. Every mistake leads to more mistakes or sometimes… to something better…Its good that you extended a friendly hand to Nick and even better that you looked at why you were doing it. I think its normal (and I have done this) where someone huts you and you want a bit of revenge. Is it wrong…

sometimes it is but other times it’s a necessity to move on and make sure that that person understands how they can and can’t treat people. I think Nick wants everything his ways… yes friends hug but both people have to agree with what constitutes being a friend. He really wasn’t a friend since many of his actions were a means to serve his means and not yours.

With Adian, be careful… do things that you want to do. My rule and you can ignore it, but everything needs to be equal…therefore if you do something for him, he better be willing do to something for you. If this isn’t possible, don’t allow yourself to get used up. God… can you just tell that I am bitter about the opposite sex?! Chocolate will cure that!

Poor Alex… you can see where he is coming from… but should you settle, or worst yet… he is settling for someone else just because she is ‘willing’ to be his girlfriend. Makes a girl cringe thinking about that. I can sympathizes with this. Happened to me a couple times… The guy should be impressed that you don’t want to lie, but instead, pride gets in the way and he settles… oh well.

I too had to change something… got my hair cut… which was interesting. Felt liberated. Went from red to brown. Of course it had a strange effect on the males I know. Some liked it cause it reminded them of me as a teen, while the guy who broke my heart complained that he hated it. I advised him that the change was for me… I don’t dress or do my hair to attract him. I could give a flying fuck.

And believe me skcity gal,

Y
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A
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Stella

There is no need to say thank you! I just know what its like. And I wish nothing but the best for you.

Everyone feels this… I’ve had my bouts with it myself. Just keep moving forward, put your head high and show everyone that you are the best and that no one can replace/compare to you. Its a bitch to do when you don’t feel like it…

I see you posted a new entry, time to head over and read that.

Stella

I hope you are feeling better… That things are sorting themselves out.
That you are being appreciated and cherished.

Stella.

thanks for commenting i really like your occasional comments.

i think you’re right that the season has a lot to do with it.

we’ll see how this thing works itself out.

Sorry it took me a couple days to respond to your post. For some reason my computer didn’t notify me of your latest post, or your response to my comments on this post. How bizarre.

Sometimes… or perhaps more often then we care to admit, we purposefully ask questions or have conversations which we would should stay a 100 miles away from. I always ask questions where/when I know the answers will have a devastating effect on me. It’s like the pain is needed so we have a reminder about why a relationship can’t work… Perhaps I’m just more destructive… but I learn so much more and then try not to make the same mistakes again. But there is always that one person (male/female/friend/lover) that no matter how many lessons have been learned, you still ignore your better judgement because you are hoping that things will be different.

You seem to be putting distance between Nick and yourself. That’s the hardest thing to do… because although you say you don’t trust him… you don’t cut him out completely. You have closed maybed the door, but left an open window for him to come by and see you. Were you happy when he texted you? Because if he hadn’t texted, it would have meant he didn’t care or hadn’t noticed that you left. What type of relationship do you want from him and do you think he can provide it? Sex has a way of screwing up friendships… but a bigger deal breaker? Is not being honest with someone. Could you have a relationships with him that was purely physical? Is that satisfying for the both of you though?

Are you settling for Alex? And Aiden is your ex right? Are you really missing him or the idea/notion of him since he was a person who loved you? You will be fine today on the beer tour… nothing confuses a guy more when a girl is calm, cool and collective. I don’t know why!
And how many men have I been with?! I have never been asked that by a stranger… but all I can tell you is that I had my heart broken by three men, and had three guys come around when I was dealing with those heart aches hoping to catch me on the rebound, and they all failed miserably. I don’t have normal relationships with guys. But how many is too big a number? I don’t think there is a number skcity girl. I don’t believe in one love… I believe that people come in and out of our lives and nothing is concrete. I think this helps me when things go wrong.

I can’t remember what I said last about my ‘nick.’ I think I wrote to you… in June? Being friends with him is difficult at times. I sometimes get fed up, but I don’t love him anymore… he opened my eyes and I see his flaws so clearly now. I don’t bring up what happened… although he will make a comment here and there… I reminded him he is lucky that I’m a lady… cause other girls would make him miserable and make sure he never forgot how fucking cruel he was. He sometimes refers to me as a toy… even after I told him not to. He pushes my boundaries and I grow quiet. We were out at a bar, and he was looking at me attentively when I got quiet… He asked me what was wrong, and I said ‘you can look deep into my eyes all you want, but you killed whatever spark I had.’ And its true… he wants our friendship the way it was (because he had said that if we dated it would go sour, and he would lose the best friendship he has ever had… and I retorted he would lose me regardless). He looked into his beer… I think I shock him with how honest I am… because I feel like he has hurt me beyond repair (which is really a melodramatic thought!) I don’t want him in any way anymore. I just want him to be decent to me. If I’m honest, there can be no confusion. He doesn’t see what he is doing wrong. I told him he is a flirt, and he said he wasn’t. I think he just wants me to be single, so he doesn’t have to compete with anyone for my loyalty or affection. So that I am always there when he needs a chat. I don’t want or need that. We hang out… and at the end of the night I walk away from him realizing that falling for him was a mistake, because he is more damaged then I am… and he doesn’t know what he wants.

There are days when he is decent… but those are few and far between. If only he could be the type of friend I am to him. I think he is nicer to our friends because… there is no drama there… and he doesn’t know what to do with our friendship.

And that guy who comforted me when ‘nick’ broke my heart… even after I told him for… six months that I wasn’t interested in him, he thought that he could get with me. He would try to make me feel guilty about not wanting to date him and that friendship had to end because I didn’t want to be pushed into a relationship against my will.

So I think I’ve got you all caught up… well as much as I’m will to write on such an open forum.

Enjoy your beer tour… you will get this all sorted.

Stella

thank you for your comment and especially your encouragement. you had an excellent point about talking after sex. in all honesty i feel like it should have been shake hands and fall asleep or go our separate ways. instead we talked all night. i was too drunk to remember about what. some of it was as you pointed out maybe inappropriate or irrelevant. talking about the past and other people and how we feel about them is an excellent example.

i’m terribly afraid i get more honest when i’ve been drinking. i confessed i like being dominated to him that night which i wish i hadn’t. i also vaguely remember telling him i wanted to fuck him which didn’t really need to be said either since you know i took my pants off. i’ve thought about telling him i’m a liar when i’ve been drinking but i’m afraid of the reverse psychology effect making him more interested in what i said than he already was.

like i said i don’t trust him and i don’t think i ever will.

we’ve seen each other three times since then. once when it seemed uncomfortably like he wanted to fuck me over his lunch break except i stayed away from his bedroom. then another night when he had a party and i slipped away at the end of the night only to get a text message from him asking where i’d gone and why i left without saying goodbye. then again at a party at my house when he came into my bedroom to say goodnight. that’s an evening i’m not particularly proud of and i will be writing about soon.

i sent him one text message after that and he sent me one in response and i haven’t heard from him since. of course i haven’t contacted him since then either.

i just knew this would mess up our friendship. i don’t want to contact him for fear of him thinking i want to fuck him and i kind of do find a physical relationship with him attractive. so i’m in limbo with that friendship. grad and law school is effective at perpetuating that.

until then i guess i’m seeing alex. have plans to see aiden. i get mad at him because i miss him so much. if aiden goes with me to the beer tour next monday and nick shows up i’ll be spending the evening drinking with two men i’ve fucked. that should be interesting.

stella how many men have you been with? how many is too many? what’s the update on you and your nick?