only i, in my morbidity, would decide to watch multiple episodes of nip/tuck less than a week before i’m going in for plastic surgery.  i find it amusing really.  then again if i was someone who didn’t realize how bloody, painful, and messy plastic surgery was, well then maybe i wouldn’t be a good candidate.

i’m very realistic about what the process is going to be like and the recovery.  i just hope they give me some good pain medication.  maybe that will make the holidays with my family better this year.

lying in bed.  my room is relatively tidy and my bed isn’t the usual mess.  i have christmas lights adorning my headboard.  i’m comfortable.  i finally decided to display a canvas painting of mine on a wall in my home.  it has been hidden in the basement for over two years.  it’s currently at the foot of my bed and i’m surprised to realize i like it.  i plan to hang it in the hall just outside my bedroom.  i’ve got the materials to paint some more.  i’d like to do that later this week.

i took my final tonight.  lots of writing but i like to think i managed.  i procrastinated and only studied the day of which is dangerous.

last friday night i went downtown with my downstairs roommate.  met one of her friends, who was meeting one of his friends, who brought of one his friends.

who was nice and conversational and asked for my number so that he could ask me out the following weekend.

he texted me tonight and asked me if i had plans.  i had to explain that i unfortunately already did have plans.  you see aiden is visiting me this weekend.  i am rather approaching this as the last hurrah of 2009 and of the decade with aiden.  i don’t doubt that we’ll be lovers again in the future.  i’m just thinking about 2010 as the year without sleeping with aiden.  in theory at least.

so the friendly handsome stranger somehow managed to chat me up.  impressive since it was via text.  i can usually shut down a text conversation with my responses pretty quickly but he skillfully kept it going by asking me interesting questions and flattering me.  it was nice.  he wants to take me to dinner in january although i suspect even though he’s nice we won’t end up being compatible.  i could see myself pulling a b and getting liquored up then getting naughty with him though.  he has this warm kind face that combined with very dark hair and slightly scruffy chin make him look friendly and edgy at the same time.  it’s a bit of a delicious look.  he’s slightly shorter than i usually go for then again i just typically like them nice and tall.

a lot has happened in a year.

i was obsessed with nick.  then i was resigned it would never work out between us.  i began a flirtation with a new guy.  almost by accident nick came back into my life.  we had a happy little relationship for a month or two.  it was almost sweet the way we took it slow and kissed on the weekends.  then following finals he failed to meet a reasonable but also rather high expectation of mine.  i rejected him.  i realized after reading back over my posts that he tried many times to get in touch with me over the summer.  i used verbs like “ignore” and “avoid” and words like “attracted” and “terrified.”  i realized that i was even avoiding him when we were still secretly meeting which may have sent mixed messages regarding my hopes and desires.  i saw aiden again and we even went out a few times without any form of inappropriate intimacy at all.  without even hugging let alone kissing.  i kissed lots of people over the summer and then the night of cage and key’s wedding nick and i cuddled in a hotel room and ended up naked.  i was disappointed in myself and resolved to ignore the feelings of attraction more than ever.

reading my posts i can see the increase in my desire and also strangely the increase in nick’s attempts to contact me which i continued to derisively rebuff.  then one night with enough alcohol and a well placed hand i slept with nick.  enjoyed it.  i realize now that i was getting signals of interest from him immediately following the night and morning we had sex.  he called two days later.  met up with me over his lunch hour and it almost seemed like he tried to arrange for a physical encounter which i dismissed as unnecessary and inappropriate.  he texted me with disappointment when i disappeared from his party without saying goodbye.  he demonstrated what i can only assume were good intentions when it was my birthday.  i was the one who sent a conclusive text that said it would never happen again.  i was ashamed and humiliated following a second attempt at intimacy because my drunken dominance and desperation caused me to lose my dignity.  how’s that for alliteration?  i started seeing alex again.  then i had a sudden change of heart and was interested in aiden again.  interested in a relationship of some kind.  preferably physical.  so i alternated alex and aiden each weekend.  sleeping with aiden but denying poor alex who wanted so badly to be with me.  he finally gave up and said he wanted to settle into a real relationship.  i wasn’t able to give that to him so he left.  did leave behind some nice parting gifts for me though.

grad school has continued to march on.  i’ve tried my best to be positive this year.  i’ve tried to be my best this year.  i tried to lightly patch my friendship with nick to avoid more social exclusion or alienation from our group.  turns out he was always the more important friend and when he stopped bothering to invite me no one else did either.  without actually admitting to what we did he seemed to influence my inclusion in the group.  i’m sure it wasn’t malicious.  i’m sure he was avoiding me just like i avoided him.  we did have sex after all.  more than once.  more than twice.  things have gone well in attempting to build civil relations with nick which is helped enormously along by the fact that he appears to have a very nice girlfriend.  they haven’t been together long.  whenever i wonder if i too quickly dismissed nick’s efforts to be with me i remind myself that he is a smart man.  if he wanted to be with me he would have figured out a way to make it work.  i’m wondering right now if i intimidate him?  i’ve also realized recently that my lack of faith and trust in nick may have contributed to things ending.  my belief that everything he says is a manipulative lie doesn’t make being friends with him easy and makes being his lover almost impossible.  i don’t think i’m unjustified although i wonder how accurate i am.  i’ll never know since even if he told me i wouldn’t believe him.  this year i kissed many different people.  i had sex with three men.  one of whom was the love of my life for three years and is my current dear friend of five years.  one of whom i don’t trust but find myself almost painfully sexually attracted to.  the last isn’t much worth mentioning other than he helped me move on from aiden at the time.

i’m not sure what the future holds right now.

i’m going brunette this weekend.  aiden is visting.  i hope we eat sushi.  next week i have surgery.  then it’s nothing but dvds and books while i recover.

we’ll see what develops with this handsome friendly edgy stranger.

i wonder sometimes if i believe other people are manipulative because i’m manipulative.

this wasn’t the most insightful entry but i think it might have described my journey.  i can only hope my growth.  i know my work as a grad student has dramatically improved.  i know i have grown academically and professionally.

this little space is where i’ve catalogued my personal experiences, accomplishments, and failures.  this little space is where i’ve learned that i am stubborn and that despite my direct approach to so many things in life i actually avoid many things that make me even mildly uncomfortable.

i don’t know if i’ve grown but maybe i can pretend that i’ve learned something in the last year.

i don’t even really know what to say anymore.

this summer i was on top of the world.

now it’s like i’m constantly underneath something or someone.

it amazes me how much this blog has catalogued my depression through out the years.  it has been two years of blogging on wordpress.  i’ve been blogging for five years and have accumulated hundreds of pages of my thoughts in a word document.  would it entertain or horrify?  i often think of publishing a copy or two just for myself.  i doubt anyone else would be interested in it.

i try to learn from my mistakes.  i realized today that my book where i write the lessons i learn is really just a book of mistakes.

i extended  a friendly comment to nick.  i was afraid of my own actions.  i was afraid of my subconscious.  i was afraid of ulterior motives i wasn’t aware of.  i thought that being a little bit friendly to nick might make social situations easier and hopefully more frequent.

i was right and had a nice night out with the gang last weekend.  nick was friendly and didn’t avoid me.  we had a few superficial conversations.  when a friend and i left and i announced to the group we were going to a sandwich shop nick immediately said he was going with us.  we walked arm in arm briefly the three of us but it wasn’t awkward.  i teased nick for becoming a vegetarian and told him the only reason a man would do so would be to get laid.  i laughed playfully and the banter was friendly.  when we were saying goodnight i turned to go in the opposite direction and he put a hand in front of me.  i began to put my hand out to shake his hand or give him a high five or something but realized that wasn’t what he wanted and that pulling off a handshake would be awkward.  so i gave him a hug.  he squeezed me tight and said, “that’s right friends hug each other” while i thought about how in his world friends fuck each other too.  he kissed my head and let me go.

a lot of my sadness a few weeks ago had to do with aiden.  he unintentionally hurt me.  i decided to talk it out with him one night and somehow it ended with me saying it was strange  how whenever he made  me dislike him i thought about doing unusual and naughty things with him.  yeah basically i willingly agreed to try something new with him.  so for a week or so we sent each other dirty texts and had phone sex once and set a date for when he would visit.

in the meantime i had scheduled another date with alex.

that fell through once alex told me he was uncomfortable with me.  basically he was attracted to me.  wanted to be with me.  felt like he was with me.  then when i confessed i was never going to give him anything more he decided that a casual relationship was not what he wanted.  so he went on a date with another woman who was willing to be his girlfriend.  a few days later he told me he couldn’t go on our date because he didn’t want to be with me feeling attracted to me when i wasn’t attracted enough to him and someone else was.  yeah that’s one way of putting it.

basically it means i have another failed relationship.  admittedly one i didn’t want but one that i had and one that i lost.  not really a bad thing.  i’m keeping the router and the box set of dvds he gave me.  that actually makes the whole experience better.

now i’m having doubts about aiden visiting.  it just doesn’t seem like a good idea despite my anticipation of trying something very new.  we’ll see how i feel about it when i’m well rested.  i went almost 38 hours without sleep this week and am still having trouble getting back into a normal sleep pattern.

so this is my life.  i feel dull.  i feel average.

i’m going brunette in a month so i do have that to look forward to.  i need a drastic change.  i want people to be surprised when they see how good i look new years eve.

i’m sad.  it feels different than depressed.  i’m just sad.

i hate everyone.  i hated aiden a little less than anyone else for a while.  i trust no one.

this makes my life pretty sad and pathetic right now.  i worry about my ability to trust someone.  because i don’t trust anyone right now not even my best friends.  i find flaws in everyone.  it doesn’t even matter that i have more than my fair share of flaws.

i judge people based on their actions and their words.  i’m beginning to realize that means i’m judging everyone all the time.  i wonder if they are judging me?

i might have a party next week.  hopefully it’s epic.  i don’t think i have any friends any more but at least i have people who sometimes show up.

this season always gets me down.  the reduced sunlight makes me want to stay in bed all day.  i do it when i can.  i lose my motivation and find myself filled with apathy.

aiden rejected an invitation to spend a weekend with me.  the way it went down was all wrong.  or more accurately it was all too familiar.  aiden took my invitation for granted and chose something else over me.  aiden didn’t apologize for his rejection.  didn’t make any offers to try and appease me.  didn’t suggest we schedule another weekend to spend together.

the illusion shattered.

i was reminded that nothing had changed and he was still the same man i broke up with a year and a half ago.  he’s still the same man who did NOT fight to keep me when i left him.  he’s still the same man who seems to think that happiness doesn’t require any effort.  it drives me insane that his presence gives me a chemical euphoria yet he himself won’t make any attempt to please me or make me happy.

so i was let down.  we had been in contact almost every day and i stopped.  he called me and i was calm and disengaged.

i feel relief when i think of how he was there when my grandpa died a few weeks ago.  except i can’t give him too much credit because providing comfort meant sex.  we had a great time together when he visited.  i thought he’d be more eager to keep me contented.

i have to confess something now.  i’ve become fairly certain that keeping me contented is impossible.  let’s take alex for example.  i haven’t gotten around to explaining to him that we can’t be serious.  instead we made out for 45 minutes before i left his apartment late one saturday night.  i think about having sex with him and then i think about not having sex with him.

here’s the confession:  he is doing what i want aiden to do.  alex contacts me regularly.  sends me messages.  asks to see me.  wants to know what i want to do.  gives me little gifts and presents.  yet instead of being happy i feel oppressed.  i want my space.

yet when someone like nick or aiden gives me my space i get angry that they don’t care enough to give me attention.

speaking of nick i’m doing good about forcing him far from my thoughts.  i’ve realized i will always be sexually attracted to him.  i find myself regularly hoping he finds a really nice sweet normal girlfriend that i like and everyone else likes so that i can be friends with them as a couple and stop wanting to fuck him.  i chose to believe that is possible.  he’s spending a lot of time with mill still.  i have no idea what would happen if she were to become his girlfriend.  interestingly enough mill has her own boyfriend who seems a little wary of her relationship with nick.

i suspect if mill and nick end up together that will be awkward.  especially because when mill forced a direct question on me i confessed that nick and i had sex.  she knows we had sex and that i used to like him.  i think about that sometimes.  how much nick and i used to like each other or at least how much i liked him and how much he pretended to like me.  i was doubtful and wary and cautious but i liked it.  i should know by now that it has been over a year since our first kiss.  if it hasn’t worked by now it WILL NEVER WORK.  i’m afraid of the sexual attraction when we’re alone and horny.

except funny thing that i’m not really invited to any of our mutual friend’s events anymore.  interesting.  mill is there however.  i feel a little bit replaced.  i was incredibly hurt for a while.  talked about it with aiden but of course i left out the reason why there were problems in the social circle.  i don’t suspect any of the group knows other than that i’m no longer a cool friend.

i want to have a party and invite all of them and prove one last time that i am a cool friend.  not to get back into their good graces but just so they remember what they’re missing.  i’m expanding my social circle as best i can and trying to make new friends.  i don’t feel like i’ve lost all connection to those people i just feel like being with nick somehow subtly poisoned things.  i admit to having thought that since everything is fucked already he and i could fuck but i know better than that.  the situation is unsatisfying but stable.  having sex again would make the situation go critical.

i sure as hell hope though he thinks of me sucking his cock and how i slowly rode him the morning after we had sex.  i don’t care if he thinks i’m crazy maybe i am.  he should just remember that i am sexually fierce.

you know i occasionally think about what i did wrong this last time.  i have to remind myself that i didn’t do anything wrong and that it was all him.  so i would have to say that two months after we slept together i’m finally able to remember that sex with him is a terrible idea.  i won’t willingly engage in it with him again.  at least i hope not.

so that’s where things stand.  school and clinic suck because of my apathy.  back to looking at thinspo regularly.  still have my men.  got hit on at a party.  played video games which was fun.  not much else beyond that other than my fading personality.

aiden and i had the most perfect date ever on saturday night.

it was almost unbelievable.  i took off his clothes almost immediately after he arrived and we had sex.  at the time it felt like that was what he was there for.

we took a hot shower together in my candle lit bathroom.  we had steamy sex standing up.  our wet skin gleamed in the candle light and it was amazing.

then we went to a very late dinner at one of my favorite restaurants.  ate an incredibly delicious meal and drank two glasses of wine.  afterwards we went to a classy bar and had a cocktail.  then we went to another unique bar in an alley behind an old theatre for a martini.  then we went to a club for dancing.  then we stopped in a new bar that smelled like expensive cigars and had delicious beers and impressive walls of liquor.

with all the drinking i was tipsy and giggly.  i took aiden to places he hadn’t been before and we enjoyed our time together.  we had eyes for no one but each other.  except for the last bar when i hit on a girl and she and i flirted.

then on the drive home i noticed the full moon and decided i wanted to go for a walk in the country on my favorite trail.

it was gorgeous.  aiden gave me his sweater to wear and i shivered in the crisp cold fall air.  there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.  the moon shone so brightly that the trees cast distinct shadows and made a beautiful silver lace pattern on the ground.  we walked to a wooden bridge and listened to the water as he embraced me and we kissed.

we went home and had sweet slow sex.

it was the most incredible evening.  we’re definitely no longer just friends although we like to make jokes about being best friends and awesome exes.  it wasn’t just about sex either.  there was a lot of affection and tenderness.

we spent sunday in bed watching videos on our laptops and having sex.  we went grocery shopping together and i cooked a delicious frittata for dinner.  aiden loved it.  then we went upstairs and we were rubbing against each other with our underwear on.  he took his underwear off and rubbed his cock against my panties.  i liked it.  eventually i took off my panties and he continued to rub his cock against my pussy.

i’d asked him earlier that afternoon if he wore condoms to protect himself or to protect me and he gave the expected answer which was “both.”

i told him i thought it was good we were using condoms.  it was responsible.  i said “i’m not going to volunteer any information but if you ask i’ll tell you the truth.”  aiden joked that could have been about anything then i clarified by saying, “i’m referring to that which you aren’t curious about.”  ”oh.” he said, “why did you have to bring that up?”  i didn’t want to tell him i was covering my ass because that sounds suspicious.

it’s especially complex now that when aiden was rubbing his cock against my pussy he asked if i wanted to play.  i asked what he meant and he put the tip of his cock barely inside of me before he told me, “this is what i mean.”  i asked if that was what he wanted.  he asked if that was what i wanted.  then he fucked me.  slowly.  very slowly.

it had been 9 months since the last time we had sex without a condom.

it felt pretty damn good.  aiden gasped and said he’d forgotten how good it felt.  he took everything slow because apparently it felt too good.  i was ridiculously wet.  i played with my clit.  then he came inside of me.

that flat out spells chemical bonding.

i suppose that says i really trust aiden.  i got tested for stds two weeks ago and they came back negative.  so i know i’m clean.

i should make brief note that nick and mill are together practically 24/7 these days.  awkward since she is james’ ex and he is james’ best friend.  mill has a boyfriend whom she isn’t fucking.  friday night i was invited by another friend to nick’s house and had a great time playing fooseball and drinking.  later that night mill and nick disappeared for 20 minutes.  everyone was suspicious but didn’t want to go check.  eventually mill’s boyfriend went downstairs to nick’s bedroom to find out what was going on.  i din’t know what was going on.  i figured they were either having sex, making out, or maybe even talking about me.

i got tired of the scene and decided to go home.  a mistake because i’d been drinking.  i looked around and couldn’t find my shoes.  then i realized they were in the basement.  i was going to have to go downstairs and enter the awkward zone.  i slipped downstairs quickly and as i passed the open doorway where mill’s boyfriend was standing talking to mill and nick in his bedroom i pleasantly said, “just getting my shoes.”  i quickly found them in a corner of a different room and was about to make my escape when the lights came on and nick was suddenly in the room with me.  he asked if i found my shoes and i said i had and i stepped towards the door to leave.  he stepped in front of me and blocked my path.  held out his arms and said he wanted to read my shirt.  i held it away from my body and quickly pointed out a few things of interest on my threadless tee.  he was too close for comfort and i said, “excuse me” and moved to step by.  he moved aside and as i walked away i told him without looking, “goodnight.”

there was tentative talk of hanging out with mill saturday night but my date with aiden made it too easy to postpone.  later that night mill texted me a question.  i didn’t know the answer but i was also naked and drunk.  she responded with that was okay nick explained it to her.

today on campus mill seemed a little awkward around me.  not surprising.  mill is awkward.

me?  i think i’m almost dating my ex boyfriend again.  we’ve had sex on three completely different occasions in the last month alone.  all occasions involved a lot of really good sex.  aiden put it so well when i asked him about it and he said it was like we were in purgatory.  we aren’t here and we aren’t there.

we’re going to have to talk about it.  this can’t go on forever.  nothing has really changed in our lives so it would be pointless to get back together.  i’m interested in the concept of open relationships.  i’m beginning to slowly formulate more of a plan of action.  finally.

i want to casually see aiden more often.  the plan is to talk with him about what we are doing.  where this is going.

i will continue to see alex infrequently.  the plan is to establish quite clearly that i cannot be in a relationship with him.  however, i’d still like to see him.

i will adamantly try to stop thinking about nick.

it’s more complicated than that but at least i’ve stopped thinking of them equally.  that was unbelievably difficult for me.  now there is a hierarchy and i think i can work with that.

lately every time i’ve thought of alex’s arms wrapped around me i quickly think of how much better aiden’s arms feel.

damn it i’ve gotten myself into some trouble.

why is it that my solution is to meet someone new?  why do i think someone else will help?  obviously i can’t let go of the damn lot that i’ve got you’d think i wouldn’t need to add another.  considering i still think about my night with nick i’m pretty much just asking for a fucking pentagon.  not a love triangle a fucking pentagon.  because i want another man to change things for me i want another man to satisfy me so completely i stop collecting little bits and pieces from all the others.

aiden is the comfort and the good sex.

alex is the nice charming sweet guy.

nick is the asshole with the big cock.

i’ve been wanting to write.  it’s so strange when i start a post with that.  i feel like saying it though because it’s true.  it conveys that i’ve had thoughts i’ve been unable to clearly articulate.

i went on my date with alex.  nice.  he made a move and kissed me before we went to dinner.  it was nice enough and i was already tipsy.  he paid for a delicious dinner at one of my favorite restaurants.  we cuddled at my house for half an hour before going to mill’s new apartment to play board games.  i was still a little drunk.  nick was there.  i was friendly.  it was weird that alex and i were there together.

i was a bit of a tease to alex.  i only vaguely remember this but mill told me i kept saying to her over and over “i don’t want to fuck him.”  which was true.  i teased the poor boy relentlessly on the way home and then when he asked to come upstairs i said no and threw a pillow down from the loft before locking my bedroom door.  the next morning was a little dull.  he obviously enjoyed my company and i was getting bored.  i told him i was meeting someone for lunch and had to get ready.  he reluctantly left.  once he was gone i made myself a sandwich for lunch and watched a movie on my laptop.  i was just trying to get rid of him.  doesn’t speak well for future dates in my opinion.

i can tell he’s getting attached and it doesn’t do it for me.  i’ve been meaning to tell him i’m not into relationships but that i enjoy his company.  after all he bought a series on dvd that i want to watch.  i don’t plan on seeing him for three weeks.  i’m too busy.  one of those weekends i can’t see alex i’m seeing aiden.

i get the tiniest sense that aiden and i are rekindling something.  it feels a little like an affair which probably has something to do with alex.  i’m not sure at what point i considered nick back in the game though.  as in i would probably sleep with him again if given the opportunity.  my shame must have worn off by now.  i’ve thought about that a lot.  wanting to fuck aiden from one city, wanting to fuck nick in my city, grudgingly considering fucking alex in another city.  after all he does have the series i really want to watch.

there have been many sleepless nights lately.  i suspect my unusual/inconsistent doses of adderall and wellbutrin have been partly to blame.  except i also spend my nights thinking about how comfortable i feel with aiden and how uncomfortable i feel with alex.  i’ve also thought of a certain attractive feature of nick’s and it isn’t his personality.

i’ve thought about grad school.  i suspect that’s due to the wellbutrin disruption considering grad school is going fine.  i’ve thought about my grandfather who is dying.  there have been many nights lately when i’m awake until after 4:30 in the morning.  i’ve been crashing one day a week with fitful sleep.

i again blame the prescription medications and also my own actions.  i feel personally comfortable with my own personal interpretation of “polyamory” which isn’t really polyamory because i don’t love any of these men.  maybe aiden a very small amount.

how is it that we’re seeing each other again?  how is it we’re okay with fucking other people?  how is it he is still the best person i’ve been with?  i’m not sure i can even speculate where this is going.  right now i feel comfortable with aiden but it still feels a little wrong like an affair.  i don’t understand why i feel that way.  i wonder if i’ll discuss it with him.

we’ve made plans.  to see each other again in two weeks.  another dinner.  another movie.  likely another smoking session.  probably more sex.

i’ll be fucking aiden again before i go on my next date with alex in three weeks.

when b did this i was a little perturbed but i didn’t think it was really wrong.  now i’m the slut of the household.  i don’t think my roommates even knew aiden stayed in my bed.

so i have a lot on my mind.

mostly sex.  also that bit about my medications being out of whack.  also my grandfather slowly dying.